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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?      Home login  
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 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 26
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?Page 2 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
^^I think so too....in a way I see it as my sensing another great love is on my path this lifetime...but I'm aware it's probably not going to come in the form I imagine, or when I imagine......nor is it going to be what I imagine either :) .....

I think your last thoughts are part of the great mystery of just how powerful can our thoughts and intentions really be? And do those very thoughts come as messages from the ether, or do our thoughts send the messages into the ether....to manifest when and how they are meant to?.....Hmmm, one of life's mysteries for sure and perhaps that's what keeps us all here, writing about it, talking about it, something in all of us gave us this impulse to join this site.

It is that impulse, sometimes unconscious of why exactly we did it, that I think is what forms this natural bond here (and for those who are presently single, especially, addressing this thread.....and please know i am really content in my singledom - it's the coupledom that throws me off balance! :) So, why am I here if I know this?

Because I believe romantic relationships that are truly compatible on all the levels of mental, emotional, physical and spiritual are the greatest tool we have for raising our levels of consciousness and love for ourselves and each other. What holds us back? Truly I suspect it's fear, as some have said here....and disillusionment with love, which makes me very sad.....for many wise ones say we are love, truly to the depths of our being that is what and who we are and I just wish we had not been all so brainwashed to believe our love for ourselves or each other has been 'damaged' through our painful experiences, for I don't think it really can be - I think love is our rock - the only real rock, actually.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 27
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:59:35 AM
Fear.

We get in our own way a lot. LOL, arguably we are standing in our own way more than we're not.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 28
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:22:44 AM
^^meaning we have to step aside to let Us through?

one point about fear - some say unless it is life threatening and our fight or flight response is activated, all other fears are imagined and not real.....just goes to show just how powerful our imaginations really are! i think often we create much of our lives based on our imagination...which extends into expectations, projections and fear of loss....all that destructive stuff......thankfully we are just as capable of creating positive outcomes too!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 29
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:27:14 AM
I am going to say this in the past tense since I am in an awesome relationship right now.

The problem in the past was very simple. Me. First, after my split with the ex, I wanted to play around, did not want anything serious. I did that and had a great time. Then when I began getting more serious with women, I for some reason tended to sabotage the relationships within 3 months. Again, me. Then I was in an open relationship with a very conflicted woman that lasted 9 months. In that relationship I found incredible depth and they type of feelings that you then want to take into a longer lasting relationship. But it was not to be with her. Then I went out with my current girlfriend, and low and behold I didn't sabotage the relationship at 3 months. Instead I did that at 9, when things got more serious and the commitment ferry starts lurking in the shadows. So we did commit to each other, and we are going to try to make it work, and we see things long term, but realize that while all the reasons people list here that are why they are not in a relationship, guess what? You are not going to find that perfect person. NONE OF YOU. That person you need to find it within your self and then realize that you work at making everything else work.

The interesting thing is that I was not looking for this. It just simply found me and hit me with a 2x4 across the eyes and I love it.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 30
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:39:04 AM
ok thank you outmind- like serenity said too - it's a major part of the essence for everybody, it seems -

".....but realize that while all the reasons people list here that are why they are not in a relationship, guess what? You are not going to find that perfect person. NONE OF YOU. That person you need to find is within your self and then realize that you work at making everything else work. ...."

it reminds of what eazk said on another thread- that it's not a matter of finding the right person, but of bringing the right person to a relationship. and that really is the truth.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 31
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:10:38 AM

The interesting thing is that I was not looking for this. It just simply found me and hit me with a 2x4 across the eyes and I love it.

I'm a believer in this - if you think it's missing, you search for it to the extent where it eludes you. If you're happy anyway, and getting out there and enjoying life it will find you anyway. It's SUPPOSED to be a pleasant surprise in an already content life, not a business plan or life project...ick who wants to live like that?
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 32
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:22:41 AM
What's stopping me from having a successful (if you mean long term/forever) relationship is that I like SO MANY men. There are a BUNCH of guys that I feel both compatible with and attracted to. I don't mean I'm a nympho, I mean that I see "good guys" everywhere, and can see myself with many of them. (This is also why I do not believe in "The One"--I think there are "The Many".)

And a side note: I see many, many people bemoaning their "failed" relationships. Define "failed". You had ten years together and two wonderful children--in what way did you "fail"?! Or you had six fun, exciting months--is that a "failure"? This reminds me of something my mom said to me once. My best friend from high school married a guy I didn't particularly like. They divorced after 17 years of marriage, and my mom said, "Well, I guess you were right about him." HUH--to me, 17 years is a SUCCESSFUL marriage. Just not an eternal one.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 33
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:28:55 AM
^^ Oh DJ, I've been noticing your posts, without really noticing you... and constantly thinking, WoW, this new woman sounds so much like UglyBetty, they should meet. Just took a closer look at your pic... LMAO.


^^meaning we have to step aside to let Us through?

More like use both hands and give a really hard shove is my experience, lol.

Strip it all down and what's always left laying there is my fear.
Ego protects fear, so to say it is Ego doesn't quite go far enough, at least, that's the way it looks to me.
 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 34
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 2:00:50 PM


I will have to second phishiee's comment. ...they just don't get it.


What is that they don't get?
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 35
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:41:35 PM
^^i know, indigo - poor captain, dear captain. i think there are a few here who have given up......or perhaps are just taking a break....he might be thinking he's in the 'other' category, but what if another 'other' comes along......

and vinceranok - i think you've got a very astute grasp on your self at your age....i'm impressed with this line and really think many could relate to it -

What I think is stopping me is my inability to ask for what I want, look for what I need or to be able to display my true desires.
 YearoftheCat
Joined: 9/26/2007
Msg: 36
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:53:55 PM
I want to be PURSUED, by the right guy of course.

Sounds easy, right?

Except you read all the trauma and drama out there on these forums and you realize the male pursuit only exists in that wonderful, young naive state.

So I guess what's REALLY stopping me is my jaded age group!
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 38
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 5:03:56 AM
Hey you guys. Thanks for really trying to answer my question. It seems (theoretically and in an ideal world) that if we can each find what's holding us back, what's bringing us back to this place of looking again, and understanding truly what our previous relationships have taught us - where they were great and where they were not so great - where you were great and where you were not so great in them - what else in others was great for you and what was not so great - if we can actually put our attention into figuring this stuff out as much as we advise others here (and I know how guilty I am of that!!), then I think we will realize we truly hold the keys to unlock the door ourselves into finding what we are looking for.

Quicksilver - you ask, as others have here also

I want to know what this definition of a successful relationship could possibly mean

and I do see how that was the wrong word in many ways when I started this post, as several have had the same issue with this thread. (course that might just be a defense mechanism not to get into really doing some self reflection :).....and I did explain it somewhere earlier that I absolutely feel all my relationships have been utterly successful in what I and the other person were meant to go through - for I really believe our lives are exactly the journeys we are meant to be on - or we would not be on them! (even the most painful and puzzling stuff seem to be such amazing teachers and lessons for us).

I also totally believe there are times we are meant to be in relationship and times we are not meant to be, and those times are when we are meant to be in relationship with ourselves especially - and that's why no one else is there to distract us from doing some self work - perhaps healing, forgiving, strengthening, studying, resting, grieving - whatever it might be that you need - being single is the time to focus on that so that we have truly assimilated our lessons from the past before entering another relationship, or the next step of our journey. And often we are in transition too moving through space like stepping stones from the past through the present preparing for the future.

Are we all meant to be in and find relationships that are truly loving? I don't know. But to me that is what I would define as a successful relationship. It does not mean long term, necessarily, unless that is a factor you need to feel success. But for me it does have to generate love - more love than each person individually can. And to do that, of course, both people need to bring to the relationship lots of love - for themselves, for others and for the place we live (the planet).

And, for me, with love comes respect and empathy. So, I guess the essence of a successful relationship for me is based on love, respect and empathy.
But it's quite an individual thing - so it's not for me to say what a successful relationship would be for you - that's part of the work for you to do and figure out.

My hope is if we can really start defining and finding in ourselves what we really want to bring, what we really want to find, and what we have done in the past that helped our relationships, as well as hindered - my hope is we will all be more aware of how each of us can fulfill what we really wish - that each of us will feel really content, really loving and loved, and really be at peace within our selves, and then we can offer all of that to others.

My hope is we can bring to our relationships something that seems so rare these days - and that is honor and reverence and utter respect and gratitude for them - so much so we won't give up on them so easily - we won't give up on each other so easily - and we won't give up on ourselves either -for it's always us who makes or breaks something with our attitude, or so it seems to me.
 outlawtomboy
Joined: 12/19/2007
Msg: 39
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 6:19:02 AM
waiting on my evil twin

 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 40
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 6:59:37 PM

^^i know, indigo - poor captain, dear captain.


Geez... put like that it makes me sound like a whiny looooooooser-boy.

I am many things and have been even more, like weinie-head, pooper-head, shit-head, lout, and even a swine on occasion, but I've NEVER been a loser.


 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 41
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 7:18:45 PM


My darling indigo.... believe that if I ever get to a place where I trust myself to (The L word) a woman, I'd be storming the fortress walls despite the Killer Kitties and all the other defences.

Should that day come, I'm the guy NOT wearing the over-sized sports jersey or bandana (red, blue, black) and my boxers do NOT show above the belt loops of my pants.

 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 42
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 10:22:24 PM
Maybe I don't really want one all that badly, but I know for sure I've never met anyone that I've wanted to live the rest of my life with.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 43
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/25/2008 4:29:27 AM
Solarpanel, thank you for your honest and detailed post. The part that especially stood out for me in it was this -
"....I would say the number one thing for people to realise is that no-one fully shares another's reality - every single one of us actually lives on a completely different planet - so we have two realities coming together and what they need to create is a jointly shared third reality....."


Only slight difference is I believe we're definitely on the same planet, made up of the same stuff in different proportions, and that is what creates this illusion that we are so different with quite different realities....though I agree it exists and seems to cause much challenge to remember how you see things is definitely not automatically going to be the way the other sees things and both perspectives are valid.

Also, the idea that together we create a third reality - yes - it reminds me of the other thread that got into that idea asking do we complement or complete each other....the visual of two whole individuals (circles overlapping) and together creating a third 'wholeness'.

I also understand your ideas that we might have far less control over our relationships than we imagine...but I also think we can learn to act and react with more consciousness (rather than being unconscious) - so more awareness than less - to pay attention to our own mechanisms and take responsibility, knowing we have the ability to truly support each other and our relationships by being more understanding and loving....as well as recognize our equal ability to destroy them by withdrawing our love, our understanding, and our respect for the other person and the relationship. So, it may be unconscious in some ways, and yet if we do not take responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, actions, reactions, who will?
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 44
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/25/2008 6:35:00 AM
^^laughing - ya mean because we're talking about it here instead of doing it 'out there'?
(i imagine others are talking too, but just not here for the whole world to see !)
we are really analytical, aren't we - my excuse is i'm trying to clarify and learn from others too, so when and if the time comes i find another i am attracted to and miraculously am compatible with too! - that I might actually not .....that one up.
 simpleman20188
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 45
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:00:38 PM
"What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?"
It never even entered my mind that I wouldn't find the woman I was compatable with or wanted to be with and she would want to be with me.

When my ex left for the last time I put that part of my life in a box (As much as I could) and started working on my new life.

I had a few shaky first dates while I figured out who I was and what I wanted.
I re made my profile a few times to make it interesting to only those I would find interesting.

Then I set out with determination and enthusiasm to meet her.
I dated several women but quickly found they were not what I wanted so I moved on.
I didn't get all hung up and emotional when it didn't work I just moved on, looking for her.

Funny thing was she found me. The way she found me was soooo unlikely we still marvel at it.

Any how I believe the biggest part was I never doubted, I entered every new relationship with the mind set that it was the one until I found it wasn't. I was never afraid of letting my self be vulnerable, I didn't try to protect my self by being suspicious or cynical. And it worked.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 46
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/26/2008 12:42:53 AM

My question was, "Well, what is stopping us all from having successful relationships?!"


I guess that depends on how you define successful.

(1) If you define successful as a relationship with the person who has everything I want, then it's unlikely I'll ever have a successful relationship, since I want a lot;

(2) If you define successful as a relationship with someone who meets enough criteria that I can be involved with her for a while, then once I had the epiphany spelled out in (1), I've had lots of successful relationships. Those relationships never got as far as marriage, but were successful for as long as they lasted.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 47
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What's really stopping you from having a FULFILLING relationship?
Posted: 5/26/2008 1:26:10 AM
Hmmm....seems several people are getting hung up on the word successful.

I know I've tried to explain my meaning of it here and got it down to 'a truly loving relationship' is my definition of a successful relationship.

But perhaps part of finding your answers to the question requires your defining what the word successful means for you because my beliefs might be very different than yours......

So, if I were to start this thread again, realizing now that word would be an issue -
perhaps try these questions instead -

What's stopping you from having a really loving relationship?
or
What's stopping you from having a really fulfilling relationship?
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 48
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What's really stopping you from having a FULFILLING relationship?
Posted: 5/26/2008 10:28:19 AM
It's been said that there's someone for everyone in this world. But I have no idea how to find her. I was sexually abused as a kid, and after years of psych found out that there are some things we can't change, we just have to live with it. I crossdress; not all the time, and only in private (it's not a hobby, it's a result of psychological trauma during my development; it isn't something that will ever go away. Suppressing it just causes outbreaks of other abnormal behavior). That alone limits me to less than 1 % of the female population. And, fat turns me off, that eliminates oh, about 80% of the previous 1%, obesity being the norm in America. So, lets say that I'm searching for one of approximately 260,000 women. Sounds decent, right? Not really. That's about 3 out of every 1000 women. That being difficult enough, I've been blackmailed over the CD'ing so I won't post a face picture so it won't happen again, leaving online chances slim, as most women won't talk to anyone without a picture. Now, add to all that finding someone even the least bit compatible. So, despite having a good job, not having any substance abuse issues, being disease free, having all other social skills, having learned to overcome all the downsides of being brought up to be a 'nice guy', my chances are still virtually nil.
 sbnt
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 49
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:33:17 PM
The only thing stopping me at the moment is something called distance. If that hurdle is somehow overcome, then we will figure out if it will be successful.

Beyond that, my situation has for the most part has limited my options for having a successful relationship. Although not all dates have to necessarily involve spending money, there is almost the expectation from women that eventually a date has to involve spending money.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 50
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/28/2008 3:12:05 PM
hey juno-first - i hear you about your shyness. i know i get very nervous leading up to that first meeting if it's with someone from the site, so virtually a blind meet. and yet, i've learned to hide it by taking lots of deep breaths and realizing it's always awkward those first few minutes until everyone starts to calm down. anyway, it sounds like you're a bit more extreme, so i wonder if some form of behavioral counselling, or something like that, might be just the thing to help you get past this on a more predicatable level.... so i'm sure there is help to overcome your fears - as a great book i've had for years says - 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway'.

and mwg - i agree it's really hard to find what we think we're looking for. i know i have friends and family that say to stop looking - not realizing this site has so much more to it than just profiles, (unlike traditional dating sites). and really i'm taking a back seat, but once in a while, someone here on the forums just immediately has my attention by something they've written - and i can't help but explore who they are then. perhaps you might get a glimpse of something in someone here in the forums too, and i know it's often distance then becomes a factor, but i still try and stay open-minded just in case that person is meant to be with me in some capacity. plus i don't think you ever really get a true sense of someone unless you meet and see who they really are in person.....course then 9 times out of 10, there's no attraction then! :)

EDIT to add - from below - awwww, i don't know whether to laugh or cry at your post!
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