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 grkboy
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 17
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I agree that it all comes down to the person and how they see the "never marred" person over the "divorced" person.

I think HansenChris said it himself that the never married person generally won't have the baggage of an ex and possibly children, thus making for possibly a more smooth relationship. However, some might see the never married male or female as "something is wrong with him/her" because they never tied the knot with someone.

I personally think the answer is to get to know the person and stop worrying. If the never married woman or male suddenly shows a lot of fears and insecurities, or they are commitment-phobic or something, then you know. Maybe that person really didn't make a lot of time in the past for a SO and now wants to, so you get a good catch then.

Maybe the divorced person will have a bunch of kids and a psycho ex. Maybe it was just a clean break and he/she is no different from a never married person.

You can't just lump people into stereotypes. You have to get to know them.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 24
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:41:35 PM
I would think that a person in their 30's that had been married and divorced was more desireable to date, because it shows they are willing to try and that they aren't overly judgemental. I feel that if you have reached the age of 30 and aren't married it is because you overthink everything, and overly judgemental about the people you date. The only people that never fail at anything are the people that never try anything. So if you are in your 30's, never married, and you come back with the fact you haven't been divorced. I say big deal. Of course you haven't. Since you never tried, you never failed.

 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 26
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 5/30/2008 2:54:54 AM

Never tried, never failed^^^^^^^^.....Raising a good family is the Ultimate Reward but if done wrong, is the Ultimate Failure! Quite possibly for the next generation too so which is better BCSOFNC and others?????

In the first place you don't raise a family, you raise children. Your family starts when you marry. I have four adult children(Two are married, one will most likely get married in about a year(they have been living together for three years, and I see them as a family too), and the other is single.) I am still hoping to one day have a real family of my own, and I don't mean more children. Since I was 10 years old I always saw the husband and wife as the family, and that their job was to raise the children to be ready to start their own family. I am very pleased with how my children have turned out. Three out of the four will have a family(two of them also have children) and the last one, I am not sure she will ever have a family or children of her own, but she has problems that I had rather not go into. Problems she was born with.

Yes it is better to have tried and failed, than never have tried at all. As to other relatives such as parents, aunts, cousins, etc. my being divorced had no effect on them one way or the other. Other than the fact my parents had 4 grandchildren that they loved and adored.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 27
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 5/30/2008 3:13:05 AM

Hmmm "new car" vs "used car"

So hard to decide....

Sometimes it is hard to decide. A new Kia or a 5 year old full loaded Toyota Camry(or any other real car that is 5 years old) for the same price.
 bellazingara
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 30
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History
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 5/30/2008 11:39:48 AM
I have dated both and can't say that one is better than the other. It would seem on the surface that never married would be preferable but I have learned that it really does depend on the individual's circumstances. I have found through my own experiences that generally the never married have less "baggage" in their lives, but this doesn't necessarily make them better partners . What is desireable to me is that we are both on the same page with respect to what we want from the relationship.
 josh_fleming411
Joined: 4/25/2008
Msg: 31
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 5/30/2008 12:39:48 PM
I think you’re right about that it seems that most women who already have a kid expect someone else to do something they won’t do themselves. It’s really common from my experience.
 bellazingara
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 35
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History
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 5/31/2008 9:58:32 AM
I'd go for the divorced woman first. She knows how tough it is to have your heart and finances torn to shreads.


This happens to single people as well. One doesn't necessarily have to experience a divorce to appreciate a loss like this.


If you do eventually take the leap and tie the knot I'd hope she wouldn't want to go through all that again.


Knowing what to expect can make it easier to go through something the second time around. Many of my clients who are divorced and remarry set up their finances differently in the next marriage to protect themselves because they learned their lesson in the first divorce. While they may not want to go through another divorce, they are entering the next marriage with a different mentality and prior arrangements to prepare for the worst.


On the other hand a woman who has been single through her 30's to my age is more likely to just toss a good thing to the curb 'cause she has a fit about socks on the floor or something equally stupid.


Perhaps, perhaps not. That has more to do with maturity then age or marital status.

Sorry OP, but I still stand by my original post. One of the above labels may seem more desireable over the other on the surface but it doesn't tell the whole story. Good people get tossed to the curb regulary because of them. I think people tend to stick to the labels that they identify with but it does not always make for a good match.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 51
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:23:18 AM


Chris said"Very witty comeback to the new car used car...

To your point that "Since you never tried, you never failed" So you might as well try and if you fail who cares?!? Quick question...have you ever considered taking up sky diving?!?

The point I make above...is a simple one. Certain mistakes are simply to great to make, other are not as critical. Your logic on the matter disheartens me to some degree, since it suggests you candidly believe that to fail a marriage clearly a better alternative then to never have enter a marriage doomed to fail in the first place. Perhaps you see marriage like bankruptcy, if it fails, well society has some handy "get out of jail free cards" that give you the chance to break your word, walk away from your legal and spiritual commitments, wipe the table clean, and heck...if the mood strikes you...why not try again?!?

This philosophy is a sophistry. On the outside it sounds good....but when you bite into it, you find the core of the argument is rotten. You can try to polish the outside of this and it might sparkle...but I'd suggest you dig a little deeper into this point and see the core of the matter.

One final point. I admire that you have a point and you stick to it. Your post has generated the most reflection on the matter...so in that, I tip my hat to you.

Chris "


No skydiving for me, to big of a chicken and hate heights. Not something I care about.
Fail at skydiving you are dead. Fail at marriage, you can try again.
Of course I don't think someone should enter a marriage that is doomed from the start as that would be stupid. I don't think many would do that. However if you are to cautious you never get anywhere. You can never be 100% sure a marriage to anyone will work.

Yes if I feel I am right, I will not back down. However if I someone can show me I am wrong, I will admit it.

I like your reply to my post. You didn't agree with me, but you were very nice about it!!! Brenda
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 53
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:14:58 PM
It would depend on the reasons why a person has never been married or is divorced.
 yooperbrat03
Joined: 7/19/2006
Msg: 61
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History
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 6/8/2008 12:05:54 AM
You ask "which is better" but how are you to know unless you have experienced either one?

Honestly, it should not matter. If there is a connection between two people then there's a connection. Hopefully there's an openness to listen and learn as to why a person is either divorced or has stayed single. Each of us has our own likes/dislikes but to determine which is "better" possible should be phrased as which is prefered.


Brat
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 65
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History
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 8/20/2008 6:01:21 PM
My two cents:

Single/No kids/30+ -- depends. Basically, IMHO she's ok so far. If she has a fascinating profile and not full of angst or hate -- wonderful! I'm hitting the "message her" button.

Divorced with kids -- depends. If her profile suggests she hasn't learned anything from her last relationship -- forget it. There's plenty of clues if you look.
if her profile is full of substance and is a good read, then you have something.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 75
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/10/2008 8:23:42 AM
Depends on the reasons for never being married vs. the quality of a past marriage.

I'd rather date a never been married guy than a man who's been married and broken financially, emotionally, etc by a terrible marriage.

On the other hand, I'd date a previously married guy who had a great marriage and a mutual breakup who is on pleasant terms with the ex than a guy who's never been married because of some personal issue.

It totally depends on the person and the circumstances.
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 77
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History
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/12/2008 1:03:36 AM

If the perfect person was to walk into your life and be open to dating you and you had your choice between whether he or she was divorced or never married. What camp would you fall into? Remember, they are "perfect" for you in the sense they have NO/ZERO deficiencies...be it alimony, bitterness, lack of enough experience in long term relationships, etc. Behind the door on the left is Ms Right with no marriage in her past, on the right is Ms Right with a divorce in her past; which door to do open to chat with Ms Right?


When you put it that way, what will make me choose a divorced person over a never married one? Of course I would go for unmarried.

Many people have long meaningful relationships even if they stayed single. Some even cohabit even without marriage. They're just smart enough to avoid signing away their lives too easily.

Also, personally, I would love to discover married life and raising kids together with both of us learning at the same time.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 79
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/18/2008 11:52:57 AM

Personally I would have to say the best rule is to judge on a case by case basis.

Exactly. I've known guys in both camps... some have their shyt together and others don't...I will always choose the one who does.
 merelymortal
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 81
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 5/18/2010 1:03:00 AM
People who get married young are losers... its pretty statistical. They settle, take religion to seriously, let their family boss them around, they tend to be less educated, they make less money, they also have to have children... hahaha... I'm not sure what the minuses are for us never been married people?

That we don't settle? We aren't tied down? We take care of our health? We like to go out?...

I can never be with a lady who has kids... not anything serious anyway... thats just too much BS.

That crap on women's profiles "my kid is my life" MAJOR turn off... because, we don't care... we don't want to hear it.

I mean, I hope you care about your kid... but if its all you do is take a check from the baby daddy and care for the kid... get off the high horse... lol, thats a sign that you have bad taste in men anyway and to STF away. hehe
 merelymortal
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 82
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 5/18/2010 1:14:04 AM

I would have to say DIVORCED. You learn in a marriage what it takes for real, to make one work. Learn what not to do the next time.


this one made me literally lol...

Failed at marriage... so obviously... they know how to work with a relationship... hehehe

Like someone can't learn about relationships without some formal legal agreement and a clergyman being involved... lol

its seems pretty absurd
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 84
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History
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 5/18/2010 6:25:17 AM
Basically, it comes down to your own opinion, and my opinion - like pretty much everyone's! - is probably worthless.

Why? Because few people really understand much about relationship psychology, and few bother to make the effort to actually learn from the past except perhaps to avoid the one problem that ruined the previous relationship.

Statistically, second or third marriages fail at a higher rate than first marriages, so on that basis somone who's never married should be a safer prospect. However, we all know that so many factors influence success of a relationship and so few unmarried people exist past your 20's, that you essentially have to select from whoever is available. That means figuring out how to evaluate an individual based on many, many factors, and of course knowing just what factors should be used!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 86
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 5/18/2010 6:28:17 PM

I am more attracted to a man who is divorced. It shows he isn't afraid to make the committment. I am divorced also, so I would assume we would have more in common.


What a load of crap and double talk. Sure, the guy wasn't afraid to make a commitment, but the guy wasn't afraid of breaking that commitment also. Do you want a guy who will kick you to the curb when things go wrong? Afterall, he and the ex have experience in breaking commitment. Most married guys end up breeding, so there will always be that life-long connection with the ex, which can be a lot of baggage because of kids. Is that better than someone who doesn't have that baggage and is not forced to deal with an ex forever?

WTF is with the statement " I am divorced also, so I would assume we would have more in common." That may be the one and only thing you have in common with that someone. Shouldn't you have more in common than that to make a relationship work? Duh!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 92
Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 5/31/2010 6:09:51 PM

Never married- less baggage

I wouldn't necessarily say that. There are several scenarios either way that can bring baggage. People who ARE STILL married can bring baggage (even when not on the market).

Never married = "Why haven't they married? What's wrong with them?"
Was married = "Why did they get a divorce? What's wrong with them?"

It's a lose-lose situation. :) If you're over 30 and out in the dating market, you're going to assume to have 'baggage'. Like one poster said, you judge it based on getting to know their story and them some (to see if it seems to be accurate).

In the end, everyone has "issues" or "baggage" that's notable to SOMEONE. As the years go on, less people have a low amount that isn't that notable.
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