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 roger lee
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 26
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The Baby ConundrumPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I know just what you mean. I've met someone here whose mentioned that she wants other children, but 1) sinc I have never had children myself, I am afraid of what kind of a father I might be. I have not had the best relationship with my father as I grew up & I fear I might be just as poor of one; and 2) I'm 47 & I'm concerned if I would have the energy & ability to play etc. with them as they grow older-besides I don't want to be in a nursing home when they graduate from college!
 woterlily
Joined: 12/31/2007
Msg: 27
The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:12:03 AM
well, I don't have any but if I had them, I want my kids to have a financially and emotionally stable home to live in. Having kids, ie, becoming pregnant may be 'easy' but bringing them up in the proper way is hard, this needs 2 parents.

some guys won't have kids after a certain age, may be, becuz they just want to enjoy life. Having kids can take a lot of time, efforts and finances. And selecting a much older partner, he may not want to be running after kids at 55 when he was planning for retirement.

well, I grew up in a big family, I always wanted/want kids, but to find the right person is the trickiest part. So, for me, it's easy, if the profile says 'do not want kids', I move on.

the options that I see you have :
- you don't want kids of your own,
- you don't want kids at all
- you don't mind other people's kids
- you prefer your own
 DietCoke┬«Guy
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 28
The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:59:34 AM
You have to be very careful with baby conundrums. They grow up to be teenage conundrums, and then you are really screwed.
 ^^Batgirl^^
Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 29
The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:08:45 AM
They just happened. Mind you, I had been married for about three years so what a surprise.

If I were to meet a man who wanted children, I would consider adopting.....even at my age.

^^BG^^
 Eddie2704
Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 30
The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:31:11 AM
burnleybabe, If you met a guy here that you thought you might like just be honest with him from the start. Just tell him that as far as kids go right now your not sure if you want kids or not. If the guy is really into you he will take it that way. (Maybe) What is you cutoff age? 30 to 45 maybe? Most of the guys you will meet already have kids. By the time he hits 45 he is done with having kids and looking forward to getting them raised and on there way to there own life. Unless your lucky enough to meet a man your age or younger (35 down) that has never had kids. In one sense of the word another poster is right. At 35 you should already have your mind made up about what you want. Sorry but it is stuff like this that drives most guys crazy. Most all guys want a woman that knows what she wants in every area of her life. Especially if she is already in her 30's
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 31
The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:41:19 AM
Yes Welder; I will only date someone that wants children for sure; I dont know how more clear you need it to be;

if you have no destination in your life, then you will just be driving around in circles.
 Eric48
Joined: 2/7/2007
Msg: 32
The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:53:01 AM

They just happened. Mind you, I had been married for about three years so what a surprise.



Yeah, I hear that ^^Batgirl^^ ... never mind all the guano they make.

 rivereye
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 33
The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/3/2008 12:21:49 PM
OP,
Do you spend any time around children right now? Do you have any experience with them? I'm sticking to the advice in my original reply, you really want to wade into this slowly, it's a lot better than jumping head-first into the deep end and risking everything, when faced with the 24/7 reality of constant child care.
 Gypsygirl29
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 34
The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/3/2008 12:48:35 PM
When the time is right for you to make the decision, you will know. Obviously the time is not now. As for me personally, my boyfriend has declared from the beginning he's not interested in having kids. My lifestyle choices, as a musician who eventually wants to tour, I can't see my children ever having a normal life. There are other issues too, medical backgrounds, family medical histories. We've decided not to have kids, and enjoy life with each other, concentrate on careers, family and friends. And this works for us both.

It's important that once you've made your decision to find someone who is compatible with you. If you want kids, your partner has to want kids. This is a decision you can't force upon your partner. If you're not sure, make friends with a single dad. Don't get romantically involved, but make a point to spend time with him and his children. You may realize after some time that motherhood is in the cards for you.

Be patient, take your time. If you decide later on you want children, but can't physically have them, there's always adoption.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 35
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The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/3/2008 4:28:00 PM
OP, this is something I learned from being a parent. When I was hearing my biological clock a million years ago, I was talking with some of the gals at work, all older I think. One said well if you want a kid, why don't you just have one by yourself. I told her that I didn't have a problem doing the single mom thing but I didn't want to start out that way. Find the guy, then the babies.

In your situation, your comment about maybe you would get a maternal hair if you were with somebody really kind of frightens me because once you take that plunge, you have to be ready to be a mom no matter what kind of mess your life is in. It is your responsibility to provide a loving, stable home for that child and if you don't know that you want the child now, you might be making a decision that is wrong for you if you are with a guy who wants a family and you decide to have one when things are rosy because there is no guarantee they will stay that way.

You said your relationship with your mom makes you think about it, do you have any relationships with kids? If you are not around kids, you need to create that in your life so that you have more knowledge of what it is like. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything but it is really in addition to one of the most rewarding, one of the toughest things you will ever do. I didn't sleep really much at all for ten years, you become a different person, sometimes you lose who you are, you have no clue whether you are doing a good job because no matter how much you read or how many moms you talk to most of the time you are flying by the seat of your pants.

It is scary, but here's the thing. Nature, God, whatever you believe in, has given us the tools naturally to be good parents but you have to really want a child, whether biological or adopted, and it is a decision that once made, cannot be changed, and it is not just 18 years, your children will always need you in some capacity just as you are close to your mother. If I could do it over again I would pick the right guy, yada, yada, but even given three difficult pregnancies and everythign remaining the same, I would do it again. If you are not prepared to sign on for whatever hardships come with the joy, then yes, I would leave the guys alone that say they want kids until you know in your mind whether it is something you really want to do.
 Wolfhead
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 36
The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/3/2008 5:34:36 PM
In the end whether we like it or not our only reason for existing is to reproduce, it is our only aim, our only destiny. The individuality of the human race which we claim is all , only hides the facts that we try to escape are basic instincts. All those who claim individuality tend to dress the same punks, goths etc.
I watched my son born fifteen years ago, nothing else can better this moment, nothing more precious has ever come into my life.
You saytime is ticking, it always has and always will. Fear is what you hide behind, an excuse for failure. Fear is excepted, failure is not.
Basically we were meant to reproduce, you can and are just procastinating.

Shed a tear for the millions of couples who want to but are prevented from by fate. You are just being shallow, do or don't. Your choice only. Don't bring in an audience of people all with opinion tainted by their own experience for the good or the bad.

Do you want children..............If you still thinking, just do not bother.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 37
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The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:01:45 PM
First, don't make any rash decisions. I know that every month you get reminded that you're not pregnant yet; but remember, that is only part of the most primitive biological drive to get you that way. First, prepare for some of the down side of having kids, and if you don't relish having it all happen, then you're probably better off not having them. Having children will change EVERYTHING about your life. Every moment of every day will revolve around that child, including when and if you get any sleep. And it will stay that way for, oh, yeah, the rest of your life. Yes, it can be 'rewarding', but it can be very draining as well. Doing things on impulse won't happen anymore, and for the most part, neither will sex as much of the time you are going to be exhausted. Sleep will become a luxury, often interrupted by various child related things. Their hobbies will become your hobbies, little adult activity anymore. A trip to the movies will be for the latest cartoon. Oh, and your figure will probably never be the same, and many women wind up having stress incontinence after childbirth (although most will never mention that of course). Your focusing so much time on the child may cause your partner to look elsewhere for affection, but you'll have to endure that if you want your child to have anything like a normal family life. Financially, everything you do will become about the child as well. You will have to plan on additional costs in travel, what car, whoops, no, now it's a minivan for the next 18 years, food and housing. Clothing. Private school if you really want your child to have a chance to excel in life. Oh and don't forget college tuition. Pretty much just plan on putting as much into a savings account for your child equal to your monthly housing costs (so just imagine doubling your rent or mortgage permanently and consider if you want to change your lifestyle to that). Now add in the concept that as that little bundle of charm grows, each day he/she will grow further away from you, move out, until eventually they only call you to say hello about once or twice a month for some superficial chat about random family stuff. By that time you'll be closing on retirement, and having that child will be your major accomplishment in life, with nothing tangible to show for it, because you surely won't be living with or near them. You'll still die alone in bed eventually, the idea of having a throng of loving family around holding your hand as you breath your last breath only happens once in a million times.
Now of course you will have unconditional love from that infant, which will diminish slowly as that child grow up, until they only show up for family functions due to feeling obligated to do so. He/she will not be perfect; you will have to deal with illness, erratic behavior, possibly lying and deception, and giving up ever having privacy again.
Of course if you view all that as a good thing, then go ahead. Millions of parents will tell you of the tremendous enjoyment, as they screw their faces up into expressions that will remind you of the folks on the show 'Married with Children'. Those expressions have said it all. And, of course, there's a greater than 50% chance you will get divorced and wind up being a single parent anyway.
If all that sounds great to you, go forward and have children.
You get to grow old alone anyway. Young people don't exactly look forward to spending hours and hours with the elderly. Exactly how much time do you spend with your parents or grandparents? Most likely less than 1%.
 ^^Batgirl^^
Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 38
The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:20:56 PM

Yeah, I hear that ^^Batgirl^^ ... never mind all the guano they make.




And not a diaper made that would hold it.



^^BG^^
 kayliecat
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 39
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The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/4/2008 7:30:39 AM
You know, you are getting a lot of flak from folk who think you have to have baby lust to have kids.

The thing is, in a way, it's kind of refreshing to see someone w/doubts. Doubts are good - they force you to actually think something thru. A kneejerk "I want kids" (which is what I had) doesn't always mean someone has thought it through. I think there are a lot of men and women who have a very romantic view of childrearing. Well, childrearing is HARD work. It's not romantic. It's not all cooing and rocking them in a rocking chair.

I think you are smart to be unsure. Because when you do make the decision, whatever it is, you'll be at peace with it, perhaps moreso than someone else who didn't think about it a lot.

Also some of us just go thru decision-making differently. And having this clock ticking behind you plus being mateless makes it SO much worse. I don't envy you.

Lastly, there really is nothing wrong with not having kids. There is a lot of societal pressure for women to be mommies. You are just as female if you don't procreate. Perhaps some of us mommies are actually a bit envious of your freedom to travel, spend money on yourself instead of the kids all the time, etc. Not that we aren't happy w/our choice to have kids...but you know, you gain and lose something when you become a mother, even if most moms won't admit it.

I have a friend whose married and 35 and she does not yet know if she wants kids. My almost-ex said recently that my friend sees marriage as a business decision b/c she doesn't want kids. How stupid is that? There's nothing wrong w/her and her spouse having a great fulfilling life without kids. And maybe they will have a kid sometime. Either decision will be right for them.

Try to "let go and let God". I figure, things usually work out the way they were meant to. We fight it and fight it trying to figure out where the future is headed...but sometimes it's better to relax and know that things will work out ok in the end.

Kaylie
 LadySalster
Joined: 7/15/2006
Msg: 40
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The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/4/2008 8:45:02 AM
I've read most of the posts on this one and I'm shocked that some of you are saying you wouldn't date someone who hasn't decided if they want kids or not.

I think its more shocking that some of you say you will only date people who have made their minds up, surely this is worse?? If you are dead set on having or not having kids, then this doesn't leave much up for negotiation with and future partners??

OP, I think if you find the right guy and are happy and stable, you will probably lean more towards wanting children. OK, so your clock is ticking, but this doesn't mean you have to choose right now, there are alot of other factors to consider (as mentioned by other posters).

I like to think that one day I'll have children, but I'm not dead set one way or the other, despite currently going through a cervical cancer scare and possibly having the choice taken away from me, it doesn't mean I'm going to rush out and get myself pregnant, but it is scary as hell thinking I might not be able to make the decision myself. I've already been married and chosen not to have children with that person, so I do wonder if I'll find someone who I'll be happy enough with to start a family.... anyway, enough of my ramblings.

OP, its not too late, you do have the choice, you may not feel maternal right now if you're not in a long, stable relationship, but maybe in time things will change and you'll decide with a partner, one way or the other.
 burnleybabe
Joined: 4/29/2005
Msg: 41
The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/4/2008 10:00:56 AM
@wolfhead

"our only reason for existing is to reproduce" omg....you can't be serious. So basically as soon as a woman can have children, she should have them? No thought to whether you can afford them or even want them....just pop them into this world cuz we can! Big 'ole baby factory! That's a little psycho. Animals reproduce without thought...I think the human race is a little more evolved than that.

*****
To the majority that responded, thank you for your thoughts. Wasn't really looking for straight advice as to what I should do but more just people's input and thoughts on the topic. My life will follow the course that it is intended to take, kids or not. But it is good to see different sides of the story.
 DietCoke┬«Guy
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 42
The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/4/2008 10:23:58 AM

it's kind of refreshing to see someone w/doubts. Doubts are good - they force you to actually think something thru.

Reminds me of a quote I agree with, attributed to Bertrand Russell:

" The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."
 MrVitamix
Joined: 8/26/2007
Msg: 43
The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/4/2008 10:24:56 AM
If your not sure and ready to make a commitment for the next 18 years...

don't do it.
 Artistee
Joined: 7/24/2006
Msg: 44
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The Baby Conundrum
Posted: 6/4/2008 11:24:45 AM
Hey! I'm male, never been married...and I don't ever want kids....

Ah, but I'm older, broke, and psychopathic...I guess that makes me inelligible...

Oh well...back to the trodden path!
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