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 mystery2me
Joined: 4/15/2008
Msg: 62
SettlingPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
What a good question to consider. I would rather find my best friend, someone who has my back. Settling for less than someone who is true, kind, stable, loyal, generous, etc. - no I won't settle for less than that. Why settle for less than that? Less than that would detract from my life rather than compliment it.If I'm going to let someone in my life, he's going to be quality. It takes a long time to find out if the person has those qualities. It's funny to me when people list them on their profile - it's no guarantee that they are what they say ...Physical qualities don't inspire passion in me anymore. Yet physical attributes are a consideration, but it's more about how the person presents himself, his healthy appearance, hygiene, style, than if he's got an unattractive feature. A dramatic, constantly passionate romance isn't what I dream of anymore. That actually sounds like stress. I see myself with someone who I laugh with , is good at compromise, has financial responsibility, ... these things will make me relaxed. Relaxed=happy=sexy So, to me, your real question should be, what is a 10?
 rentahusband
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 63
view profile
History
Settling
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:38:40 PM
LOL mystery lady, I was going to pm you a compliment on your post but I am restricted by your criteria lol......kind of funny when we're talking about settling aka criteria eh? (that's the Canadian in me coming out.....).....

Anyhow, kudos, nice post........
 mystery2me
Joined: 4/15/2008
Msg: 64
Settling
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:45:32 PM
Oh I have to look at my criteria - Maybe it's because of the distance? Thanks for the compliment.
 bsg789
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 66
Settling
Posted: 6/30/2008 11:21:41 AM
I'm not suggesting that people should settle or lower their standards. But there is nothing wrong with having more flexible standards and dating someone who isn't exactly your ideal type.
 bsg789
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 68
Settling
Posted: 6/30/2008 12:31:16 PM

The trick is to figure out just how much you can be flexible and where you draw the line. Most people I know are not willing to date people that they do not feel physically attracted to.


I agree. I never suggested that people should date someone that they aren't attracted to. However I don't think a woman being a little bit taller or heavier than a man's ideal type would suddenly make her unattractive.
 bsg789
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 70
Settling
Posted: 6/30/2008 3:39:32 PM
That should also go towards the women as well.


That is true. I've seen plenty of women reject a man that matches most of the things that she is looking for just because he is 1-2 inches shorter than her ideal height range.
 rentahusband
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 71
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Settling
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:17:19 PM

That is true. I've seen plenty of women reject a man that matches most of the things that she is looking for just because he is 1-2 inches shorter than her ideal height range.


Might I add: or be totally unreasonable in their "ideal" height. For eg: a woman (or man) who unequivocally wants a man 6 foot or taller and she's only 5' nothing.....Sorry, if I ever saw that in real life my first reaction is she wants a father figure and he has daughter issues......

I just found Sextv on rogers and just saw a program on chemistry. Funny, women (and some men) talk about all this "chemistry" that must happen for them to feel the attraction and if there's no chemistry, then no date. I for one can call B*llsh*t on the chemistry issue because every one of my long term (5 + yrs) relationships took a lot of work to make it through to the first date then we were inseperable for 5 + yrs.

My point is: some of us don't exude pheromones constantly and that's all this chemistry is.

See, I equate a relationship to either a rose garden or a redwood forest. Both are truly beautiful but the rose garden dies in a few months (at least here in Canada) but a redwood forest is no less beautiful but will last for a thousand years.......

My question to many is: do you want a rose garden for a few years or a redwood forest for the rest of your life? Most women want the rose garden.....(hoping that it will last as long as a forest).....
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 72
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Settling
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:20:00 PM
I really don't think women out there are being too picky. Just look at all the threads out there about women in FWB relationships hoping that the man will change his mind and develop feelings for her. The men are treating them like crap, they may not have that much in common, but the women are just clinging on because they have developed an attraction and an emotional connection. If anything, these women aren't being picky enough. I think a huge part of this whole thing comes down to attraction. Guys who aren't attracting women can complain all they want about women being too "picky" but the truth is, that they just don't find them attractive enough. I don't think it's too much to ask to be actually attracted to the person that you are in a romantic relationship with. That's what makes it a romantic relationship, as opposed to a friendship.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 74
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Settling
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:38:21 PM
I don't see looking for attraction (or in your terms "5 minute chemistry") a problem. I think it's important. And I don't think it's too much to ask. Why do you see this as a problem? Aren't the women you find attractive, attractive to you in the first five minutes? Why would it be a problem for a woman to want the same? It happens. And it should happen. That was my whole point. That's why I used the FWB situations to illustrate my answer to the original question. The question is: Are we too picky, and therefore leading people to not find their partners? I say no, women generally are not being picky - the most obvious empirical evidence for this is all of the fwb threads. All they need is attraction. I wasn't talking about FWB relationships to judge against them, I was using it to illustrate that we are obviously not being picky enough in some cases, and I believe we generally not really being that picky. In even plainer language, it boils down to this: Just because a woman is not attracted to you, doesn't mean she's too picky. You might just be really unattractive and trying to make yourself feel better by saying she's too picky.

 rentahusband
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 75
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Settling
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:55:59 AM
I may be dumb but what's a FWB thread?

As for a 5 minute attraction, yes, it is unreasonable to make a decision based on 5 minutes when the result could be 5 10 or 20 yrs with someone.

Don't you think it's a little ludicrous to only give 5 minutes to someone who could possibly be the best thing that ever happened to you?

If you think it's fine to base the rest of your life on 5 minutes.......well, that says a LOT about your priorities.

Again, I will use my rose garden/redwood forest analogy: Sure roses look great in the vase for a week and then poof, they're dead. Look at a redwood forest and you'll find all kinds of amazing things to discover, animals living in the forest, a whole eco system of amazing things. If you won't take the time to discover these amazing things and are only interested in what looks good to you right now, then why expect more than that?

I mean, there are obvous differences that might not be overcome, like if she's a librarian and he's a biker with Hell's Angels but for that matter, look at Jessie James and Sandra Bullock. Two people with extremely different styles and they seem to be perfectedly happy...........

For the record, I have yet to meet a guy who, when faced with the prospect of possibly getting some, will only give a woman 5 minutes. That just isn't in our nature.

And please, don't use online dating sites as an example. This is NOT reality in the least. I bet 99% of the guys who reject women on here wouldn't do so should she approach him in real life.......
 ml456
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 76
Settling
Posted: 7/1/2008 7:44:48 AM
I don't see looking for attraction (or in your terms "5 minute chemistry") a problem. I think it's important. And I don't think it's too much to ask. Why do you see this as a problem? Aren't the women you find attractive, attractive to you in the first five minutes? Why would it be a problem for a woman to want the same? It happens. And it should happen.


Forum.Skulker agreed with you that physical attraction can be determined quickly. But not necessary chemistry. Physical attraction and chemistry aren't the same thing. I think physical attraction might play in role in having chemistry. But there is usually more to chemistry that just looks. Things such as personality, intelligence, common interests, values, and beliefs etc can also be factors. I have heard plenty of women mention that a man was attractive, but there wasn't any chemistry.


I believe we generally not really being that picky. In even plainer language, it boils down to this: Just because a woman is not attracted to you, doesn't mean she's too picky. You might just be really unattractive and trying to make yourself feel better by saying she's too picky.


IMO many women and men on internet dating sites are too picky. They have a long list of requirements and would reject someone that could be a good fit for them just because he is 5' 11" instead of 6 ft or because she is 10 lbs overweight or because their ideal age range is 30-39 and the other person is 40 yrs old.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 77
Settling
Posted: 7/1/2008 7:52:59 AM

If you think it's fine to base the rest of your life on 5 minutes.......well, that says a LOT about your priorities.

You don't base 10 or 20 years on 5 minutes, you start with 5 minutes and unless you're psychic, you don't know if it will end up being 20 years, you only know if you want the next date. If there's no physical attraction, where else can it go?

However, if you DO have attraction in that 5 minutes - unless you're a moron, you'd walk away if there was nothing more than JUST attraction (well unless you just want the physical to begin with).

Attraction is just like anything else, the only difference is that attraction is the first thing you experience face to face. Intellect or common interests are important too, but aren't seen at first glance. Being that you need the combination of a lot of things for it to be what you want, and being that (for most, anyway) attraction must be present in order to continue, once you know there is no attraction - what's the point in learning the rest (romantically speaking)?
 SpecialEd1974
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 78
Settling
Posted: 7/1/2008 8:56:39 AM
Perri, this is really good insight for a gal your age and one of the few intelligent postings I've seen. I agree with this article's bottom line: life is full of disappointments and you had better get used to it. The author points out that women will start realizing that they aren't such hot commodities by the time their 40s roll around. I can't wait until the table has turned...
 rentahusband
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 80
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Settling
Posted: 7/1/2008 5:27:29 PM
See, the thing is chickie, attractiveness fades.....but I'm not saying go for guys you aren't physically attracted to, just don't have a mental picture in your mind of "mr perfect" and dismiss anyone who isn't "perfect". I think that is what the writer of the article is alluding to. I know we've had this discussion before but I never tire of it. But yes, you ARE making a decision that could affect the rest of your life, in 5 minutes. Put it this way: As stated, a guy 5-11" approaches you in a club. You want 6 ft or more. You blow him off. You don't know however (and this is just hypothesis) that: he is an excellant father, has a business that earns 100M a year, only works 40 yrs a week, has an iq of 180, understands women and listens when they need to vent, doesn't leave the toilet seat up (a real deal breaker), loves his parents, takes his niece and nephew every chance he gets, loves all kinds of music, and is your perfect match, except for that damn 1 inch.......yeah, you've decided in 2 seconds that he isn't for you but had you taken 2 dates to get to know him, you'd have found out all the other stuff that WOULD affect you for the rest of your life......

As for compromising about things, ie: Hygiene, manners, respect, the way they treat people, etc. Personality is important," what I'm getting at is that you cannot tell all that in 5 minutes and believe me, WOMEN make those determinations in 5 minutes (and often much less). For eg: if a woman sees me in homo depot, I'll most likely be covered in dust, have grunge under my fingernails, have torn jeans, need a shave, and probably smell a little ripe (especially in the summer). Sure, I'm a bum. BUT, what you don't know is that I own a Alfred Sung suit, have 10 different colognes, have 6 pairs of dress shoes, own my own business (and am successful), do my own accounting, have travelled extensively for business, closed multi-million dollar deals, give to charity, and am immaculate when I go out on a date. I'm not saying I'd be perfect for everyone but passing me up because you "know you're not attracted to me" because of how you saw me, well, you saw me at the lowest possible situation.....

With that being said I will say this: I will NEVER meet someone online. I can say this with absolute certainty because of all the relationships I've ever had, all but 1 were cases of me looking more and more attractive to her after she got to know me. I had one be perfectedly honest and say: when she first met me, she thought I wasn't that attractive, but after a couple of dates, she started seeing me differently and at that time, thought I was positively gorgeous and couldn't keep her hands off me.....

As for Rosa's " I'm fed up of guys who get talking to me, they ask me to describe myself, and their next question is my bra size", I"m assuming that you're describing what happens online? Well, you have to realize that all that info would be readily apparant if this was real life. Why is it that women are so sensitive (online) about guys asking about their physical properties? I mean, women are obesessed with their appearance but when a guy brings it up, he's somehow bad. Why is that? Oh I guess that goes along with the women who wear low cut tops, with push up bras, then complain because men are staring......

Yes, people are too picky. People who have gone through a divorce are even pickier because of all the horrible mistakes they made in the past. You know, I've never been married so I don't know about it but I've been in some relationships that lasted longer than most marriages so I have an idea. And IMO the things that ended those relationships took months and often years to come up and that cannot be determined in 5 minutes or less. Sorry, women have intuition but they do not have ESP.......

See, what I guess I'm getting at is my old theory that many people (in my experience women) go out on dates looking for reasons to bail on the guy. The first sign of anything that makes him less than perfect, he's toast. I think if you go through life like that, that is what you'll get.......
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 81
Settling
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:00:26 PM
^^^Rentahusband - I totally get what you're saying. I really don't judge on stats when I meet a guy face to face - I just go with my reaction to him. If I'm just into him, then I go with it - I don't try to determine why I am. If I don't feel any reaction or interest to him, I don't go with it - and I don't try to figure that out either. I don't break it down to a list in person - I go with the reaction my hormones have to the men in close proximity.

I either want to know more, or I don't. I don't think, I just react. Once I want to know more, then I start using my head and common sense.

I don't care if the white heat fades over time, as long as it was once there - that's what keeps you around long enough to know what else someone's about.

Online it's a bit more text oriented and stat driven, which is the way dating sites are built, so naturally people filter by the stats that subscribers are asked to provide - but in person, if I think a guy's hot, I investigate until I either learn there's a dealbreaker or he learns there's one. If I don't, well I probably don't notice him...

But of course it's not a loss to me (or him, honestly) if things don't pan out, it's just not a match. Why drive yourself crazy about what might have been? Life's too short - and being half of a couple isn't the only reason for living.
 rentahusband
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 82
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Settling
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:16:19 PM
I go with the reaction my hormones have to the men in close proximity......But of course it's not a loss to me (or him, honestly) if things don't pan out, it's just not a match. Why drive yourself crazy about what might have been? Life's too short


Just a couple of points:

I think that's it in a nutshell: you let your hormones decide for you. You are really basing your whole possible future on a chemical reaction. Heck, if that's all it is I can get a couple of pills, have you drop them when we meet, and you'll be in hormone heaven. I mean seriously, if that's what you're using to determine your future, heck, you could be in heaven with just about anyone.

Do you think it's ...I don't know...wise? (for lack of a better word) to let a chemical reaction determine your future? I mean, they're working on colognes for men that will cause that sort of reaction is that cool with you? As long as you get that chemical rush, then cool?

As for your last statement: sure, there is nothing wrong with forgetting about the past or what might have been, but I have found that one never learns that way. What's that saying? If one never examines the past, they are doomed to repeat it......

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but if you only live for the present, that's all you'll ever have.....

But hey, if everyone is totally cool with dying cold and alone with no one to wipe your drool off your chin or to get you some oj when you're incapacitated, then more power to you. I for one would hate to live the rest of my life thinking that when I die, not one person will be there to say goodbye......

I have been restricted to 5 posts per day, so I probably won't be able to respond until midnight tonight, just don't take it personally if I don't.......
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 83
Settling
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:30:25 PM

I think that's it in a nutshell: you let your hormones decide for you. You are really basing your whole possible future on a chemical reaction. Heck, if that's all it is I can get a couple of pills, have you drop them when we meet, and you'll be in hormone heaven. I mean seriously, if that's what you're using to determine your future, heck, you could be in heaven with just about anyone.

I let my hormones decide who I am attracted to, yes - well I don't let them, they sort of give me no choice - from there (as I said earlier) I look into a person further to find out if there's anything else worth looking into. Basically, as you said earlier - you wouldn't expect me to date someone I wasn't attracted to. Different way of saying the same thing. I can be attracted and still walk away, I am not that much of a slave to my sex drive.

Do you think it's ...I don't know...wise? (for lack of a better word) to let a chemical reaction determine your future? I mean, they're working on colognes for men that will cause that sort of reaction is that cool with you? As long as you get that chemical rush, then cool?

I don't walk around looking for a future, for one thing. I do live in the moment - that's not to say that I don't use common sense. Just as there are men out there for me that match me personality wise but aren't a match for me because there's no attraction, there are also men out there for me that are not a personality match that I may have attraction to. In both cases half the picture's missing, so there's no point in going any further. If I do not find both attraction and common ground, then I will wait it out until I either do, or never do. I'm prepared for both.

As for your last statement: sure, there is nothing wrong with forgetting about the past or what might have been, but I have found that one never learns that way. What's that saying? If one never examines the past, they are doomed to repeat it......

Depends on the lesson - you can't repeat the past if you only get involed where it suits your lifestyle. Unless you're looking to repeat/prolong your single life, which is fine for a lot of people if the alternative is dating someone they're lukewarm about (and that's not fair to the other person, especially).

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but if you only live for the present, that's all you'll ever have.....

IMO, that's all any of us really ever have is the here and now.

But hey, if everyone is totally cool with dying cold and alone with no one to wipe your drool off your chin or to get you some oj when you're incapacitated, then more power to you. I for one would hate to live the rest of my life thinking that when I die, not one person will be there to say goodbye......

That whole "not wanting to die alone" thing always cracked me up. You can die in a room full of people, you're still gonna go alone - you can't take em with ya. In the end your own resources/preparation and family are the only thing you can count on....well, typically. Meeting someone and spending 20 years with them doesn't guarantee you won't be alone when you die...or that anyone's gonna be there to see you off. But hey, I'm a realist. It'd be nice, but there's really no way to guarantee it. So plan it as if no one's gonna be there, and consider it a bonus if someone is. You can't overthink it.

Hopefully I'll be so out of it I won't know what's going on, or I'll go quickly anyway.

I have been restricted to 5 posts per day, so I probably won't be able to respond until midnight tonight, just don't take it personally if I don't.....

No worries.
 Traveling Man MS
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 84
Settling
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:02:03 PM
I can't wait to settle. It's going to be so mediocre! It could only be topped by the fact that I'll be the subject of someone else settling. I'm just aiming for about 6/10. Anything higher would be a bonus and bordering on not just settling. I only dare to dream.
 rentahusband
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 85
view profile
History
Settling
Posted: 7/1/2008 10:08:19 PM
LOL good one Travelling Man, like that saying goes: if you're going to aim, aim HI...oops I mean aim low lol.....

Heck, there's so many people vying for first place, I'll be perfectly happy with second or third......


...IMO, that's all any of us really ever have is the here and now.
...


Thinking like that is why we have air that you can cut with a knife, global warming, crop failures, mass starvation etc etc.....

One of the reasons I think that the writer of the article in question is on to something because I know from my past, I've used a stupid excuse like the fact that she never wanted to get married as a reason to end a relationship. That wasn't the only reason but when I found that out the wind went out of me because that was something I always wanted. It took a while for me to realize that I gave up on something really good, and if we spent our whole lives together what did a piece of paper mean? Not a thing in the big picture, it's been 15 yrs and I'm still not married so did I do the right thing? stand up for my "goals"?? lol....looks like I blew it......DOH

I guess what I am trying (in vain) to say is: sure, it's nice to have dreams, but they are just that, dreams, maybe the "dream" is unrealistic......
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 86
Settling
Posted: 7/2/2008 4:57:30 AM
Thinking like that is why we have air that you can cut with a knife, global warming, crop failures, mass starvation etc etc.....

That's not what I mean....what I mean is that I can fret constantly over whether I have enough coffee in my house, or I can just stand next to the coffee machine and enjoy the smell of the coffee I have now. There should be balance, sure - but sometimes preoccupying yourself with where you'll be totally distracts you from enjoying where you are.

I have had many friends who spent a whole good healthy relationship wondering where it was going, and totally missed each stage of it as it happened for worrying IF or WHEN the next stage was coming. To me, marriage and all that shouldn't be a goal from the outset so much as a natual next step should you get that far and should you both agree that's what you want. It's good to have common mindsets, but no one enjoys the journey anymore - it seems to be that it now has to be all about where everyone ends up. Any of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow and then it won't matter.

I might miss someone who's good for me if I'm not attracted to them, but I seriously doubt it - I like attraction to be a part of dating for me, and if it's not there in the first 5 minutes or so, it's never going to be. Unless there's mutual attraction in a relationship for me, it's not a match. If there is mutual attraction, then there are other things that may not match and end a relationship - but attraction is one of the first things you establish in order to consider dating someone, and I refuse to believe that wanting attraction along with a few other things is an unattainable dream. It's not that much to ask.

It's either that or advocate that people just go ahead and date people they're not into just to say they're dating someone, and that's not fair to anyone.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 88
Settling
Posted: 7/2/2008 7:04:56 AM
For some people, attraction can develop as you get to know the other person.

I never said it wasn't possible, it's just not possible for me - and I should know, I've tried it more than once - and without fail, it ends up with me wasting someone elses time. I might have a slight attraction, and that can grow into more over time as I learn about someone - but if it's not there at all, it never will be.
 waterviewtoo
Joined: 7/5/2008
Msg: 89
Settling
Posted: 9/29/2008 9:08:14 PM
Well, Rentahusband, if it's any comfort this fellow Canadian thinks you're right on the money. I've been pondering if I was the only one who wondered about this while reading the posts on the forums and everything you've said has resonated with me. Thanks.

Oh, sawdust, ripped jeans, AND you give to charity? Be still my heart. The Armani et al...oh well, sigh, as you say, no one's perfect.
 SimplyComplicatedMind
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 90
Settling
Posted: 10/2/2008 12:01:12 AM
Good points life of leisure, rentahusband, and Dj, this has been one of the more interesting and worthwhile threads I've seen. Which is why I say "bump".
 jcrew617
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 91
Settling
Posted: 7/19/2009 12:12:53 PM
If someone wants a long-term marriage, then settling and making compromises on some things is essential, even within the marriage you need to compromise. That is if you want to stay together for 10-20 years.

I think most men have short attention spans and are more likely to want relationships to last 1-5 years at most. It just depends on if you want children and think they would be a good mother/father to that child and a good co-parent.

I think many people would settle for a "right now" person for the short term, and then see if that will be something for the long-term, but maybe there is no such thing as "long term" because we don't know how much longer we will be here , so it might be sufficient to just live and plan for the near future without thinking about the long-term future.
 summer of searching
Joined: 7/6/2009
Msg: 92
Settling
Posted: 7/19/2009 12:44:30 PM
Karrpilot don't ever think you don't have the money. Dates do not have to cost a thing if a woman is truely looking for a long term relationship. Espically in the summer, spring and fall months. A walk, sitting on a lake shore, bike ride, camping, watching the sun set and most infamously there is the red box movie rentals only $1. Be creative. You might be surprised. Non superficial woman are touched by pure simplicity.
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