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 Yankee again
Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 130
sexless marriagePage 3 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
It was grounds for my divorce. And that was over 25 years ago.
 4ced2register
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 131
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/2/2014 5:16:28 AM
I know this is an old thread and you may be gone, but I read this article a few weeks ago and it may address what you went through.

[url=http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html?_r=0]Equal Marriage Means Less Sex[/url]


Instead, it found that when men did certain kinds of chores around the house, couples had less sex. Specifically, if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming — the kinds of things many women say they want their husbands to do — then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car.


http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html?_r=0

I posted the link twice just in case the first one didn't take.

As you posted, you would everything you did to support your wife's goals would make you more appealing, when actually you may have been turning her off by appearing less manly which would make her feel less sexual toward you.
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 132
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/2/2014 9:45:11 AM
When I was married, all the farting in bed was a huge deterrent. He always wanted fried onions & mushrooms w/ a huge ooey-gooey steak for dinner. By one a.m., I'd wake up gasping for air & my eyes would be stinging. So I started sleeping in the spare bedroom.

One night, I finally had it...I decided to get even, so that night, I too ate the fried onions... after he was sound asleep, I positioned myself so that I was all but sitting on his face... & let it rip.

He woke up & started to scream, but trust me, he didn't want to open his mouth...


So what is a guy with appetites to do?

Nix the fried onions & mushrooms!
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 133
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/2/2014 10:32:07 AM

When I was married, all the farting in bed was a huge deterrent. He always wanted fried onions & mushrooms w/ a huge ooey-gooey steak for dinner. By one a.m., I'd wake up gasping for air & my eyes would be stinging. So I started sleeping in the spare bedroom.



Countless marriages have been saved by the invention of beano.



You don't sh!t where you eat.


When I was young with a small studio apartment, I would always drive to the nearest gas station.

When you are in a restaurant, do you ever use their bathroom? I have given thought to depends to avoid this unpleasant situation.
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 134
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/2/2014 11:50:21 AM

Instead, it found that when men did certain kinds of chores around the house, couples had less sex. Specifically, if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming — the kinds of things many women say they want their husbands to do — then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car.



As you posted, you would everything you did to support your wife's goals would make you more appealing, when actually you may have been turning her off by appearing less manly which would make her feel less sexual toward you.


Sometimes it is taken for granted that women are good housekeepers, and sometimes even enjoy those tasks. Same with the assumption that men feel comfortable changing oil, doing handyman tasks, etc around the house. I never did understand the 'guys take out the garbage thing...???'

Any easy fix is, find some extra bucks in the budget, give up a latte or two, and hire someone else to do those tasks. Render them gender neutral , at last as for as the couple is concerned. No man with an apron and duster in view, no woman in overalls wiping her hands on an oily rag<

Unless the man likes the apron role and the woman like the oily rags, time is freed up for activities, hobbies, studies, etc that make each one feel happy ,supported and fulfilled.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 135
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/2/2014 2:25:22 PM
Yes make everything gender neutral , then you will have men in the states sitting out in the park eating grass like the herbivore men in Japan are doing . Wouldn't that be nice . Then you ladies can continue to complain where did all the good men go . Seems that is the problem these days , women want something that looks like a man but acts like their pet dog .
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 136
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/2/2014 3:17:10 PM
To me a sexless marriage or relationship is a friendship.

Quite right ^^^^^ Like a friendship with your dog. Pats on the head, great conversation, undying loyalty, long walks, great at keeping secrets, always pleased to see you etc etc etc.

Speaking or typing as a woman who has a high sex drive - higher than most of the men who have been in my life- especially now I am more mature.....

I wish I knew how to keep the sex alive longer term.
In my experience after a while some more mature men would rather watch TV than have a sexy romp.
Certainly for the last few years I was doing all the initiating in my marriage.

My last long term - live in relationship - after 18 months- the sex stopped, conversation stopped, going out stopped...
When I asked him why - his answer this is what happens in relationships.

Well not for me.
No point supporting a man and having him live in my house when all he does is come home, put his feet up and watch TV.

There are good men out there.
Hence I am still looking.

Perhaps the solution is to never let them move in.....


Or
Change your lover every 18 months whether you needeth to or not........ lol

Oh and Angel6218........ We women like to do the choosing.
And jumping into the sack with a faceless stranger from the internet is rarely what women choose. - At least not this woman.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 137
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/2/2014 3:25:01 PM
From OP:

Now picture this, ladies. Your husband, from the time you are married, supports your full-time career choice, takes care of domestic chores, cares for the children when they come along, remembers all the important dates and even does wonderful things for you for no reason at all. On top of all of this, he always puts your enjoyment first in the bedroom. Despite all of this, you shut down sexually almost from the beginning, seldom if ever initiate sexual liaisons and never enjoying pleasuring your man.


If this occurred "almost from the beginning" then I think the husband should have done something about it sooner than later. I would think many sexless marriages could have happened due to resentment issues about one partner or the other not pulling his/her weight (so to speak) in the marriage. Personally, I think many sexless marriages result from one or both partners not making the other feel attractive, not setting aside time for one/one bedroom interaction, not having some type of foreplay throughout the day, basically sexless marriages could result from one or both partners taking each other for granted......or it's a health issue. In any case, a sexless marriage is not a good thing unless both partners are fine with it, but personally, I would not be accepting of a sexless marriage.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 138
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/2/2014 4:23:57 PM
Besides we already have the west's version of it , I believe its call MGTOW , which is much more effective than eating grass .
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 139
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/3/2014 6:49:10 AM
Herbivores? Men eating grass/ I don't get it, guess google will be my friend.

My point was instead of having men share in the onerous household chores, and feel or be seen as emasculated by doing such things as cleaning, folding laundry, etc, hire some of them out, get a housekeeper to come in a couple of times a month, use a towel more than once, wear your jeans a few times, etc. before laundering. In other words, don't make anyone a house slave or an unwilling handyman. Allow each partner to do things that need to be done around the place that they enjoy, or at least do not hate. It's not that women say they 'want the guys to do half the housework' so much as the women don't want to have to do it all, but still want to live in a relatively clean space and keep the cars on the road---hence the hiring of household help and 'quickie oil change' places.

Render the 'chores' gender neutral, not the would-be sex partners!
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 140
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/3/2014 7:10:42 AM
Now picture this, ladies. Your husband, from the time you are married, supports your full-time career choice, takes care of domestic chores, cares for the children when they come along, remembers all the important dates and even does wonderful things for you for no reason at all. On top of all of this, he always puts your enjoyment first in the bedroom. Despite all of this, you shut down sexually almost from the beginning, seldom if ever initiate sexual liaisons and never enjoying pleasuring your man.

Where would one find a mythical man such as this?
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 141
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/3/2014 5:00:17 PM
What is interesting is what no one has brought up at all. Women who have been raped or sexually abused, there are lots out there who for good reasons fear sex and the memories that come with it.
My first long term relationship as an adult was with a woman who had that happening to her. It was almost impossible for her to experience any pleasure and I gave up trying. Lot of years ago, we lacked the maturity and life experience to help her so we stopped altogether.
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 142
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/4/2014 4:53:34 AM
I believe it was Ben Franklin who said: "Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage"

AND IMO, justifiably so!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 143
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/4/2014 2:24:18 PM
I think a lot of marriages have stretches of being sexless-particularly couples who have kids or start having kids. After a woman gives birth, her body is messed up and the last thing she wants is sex. Caring for a baby 24/7, and being up ungodly hours is draining and that will kill desire for sex. I know at least two couples where their kid slept in the same bed with their parents or had a child's bed in the parents bedroom when they were toddlers because the kid was too afraid to sleep in their own room. I can't think of anything that kills the desire to get intimate with a spouse more than having a kid/kids in the same bed or bedroom. On top of that, many parents feel there's no need to try to be sexy or look sexy anymore since their new role is now full time parent instead of spouse and sex partner, and they end up looking and dressing for the role, which is totally unflattering.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 144
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/4/2014 5:51:41 PM

many parents feel there's no need to try to be sexy or look sexy anymore since their new role is now full time parent instead of spouse and sex partner, and they end up looking and dressing for the role, which is totally unflattering.


Definitely some truth to the above. Plus, when both parents work full time, raising kids, taking care of all the stuff around the house, etc....sex slides to the back burner spot, which is SOOOOOO sad.
====


I don't think people are anywhere near as sexual as they say they are.


I disagree with the above blanket statement. However, I would agree to some degree. Most of my married friends don't engage in much sexual activity, especially those who have been married over 10-15 years, again....SOOOOOOO sad! However, based on what I know, many peeps who are single, dating, in early stages of relationships are having lots of sex. And remember, you don't have to have sex with someone else to be sexual......plenty of opportunities with or without a partner. From what I have been reading in recent internet articles, sex in the older generation is on the rise (60's plus.)
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 145
view profile
History
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/4/2014 6:16:09 PM
I have found, through having a sexless life, that there is nothing a lover can do for me that I cannot do for myself.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 146
view profile
History
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/4/2014 7:19:24 PM

I have found, through having a sexless life, that there is nothing a lover can do for me that I cannot do for myself.

and that point of view will fly right out the window if you ever do get laid!!

Sex is so much more than just intercourse and orgasms.....
the touching, the connection of 2 people, the sensuality of the act, there is so much that goes with it all that I refuse to live without it.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 147
view profile
History
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/5/2014 5:28:03 PM

MsMicki wrote:

and that point of view will fly right out the window if you ever do get laid!!

Sex is so much more than just intercourse and orgasms.....
the touching, the connection of 2 people, the sensuality of the act, there is so much that goes with it all that I refuse to live without it.


Quite possible, however, since my getting laid is about as possible as being hit in the head by a meteor, the point is moot.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 148
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/7/2014 2:23:00 PM

zauberummichherum:
People stop having sex after having children because it is natural for them to. Young people are quite literally driven to reproduce, but once the babies come that part of the job is over. Part two of the reproduction job is that people need to see to the survival of the babies... sex isn't a very big part of that so it gets dropped.


So people stop having sex after having children. So that's why everyone has only one child. Look at the size of family's before Birth Control easy to get/use. My late Wife's Grandfather was a Widower 4 times over & had children with each of his wives.....


Quite possible, however, since my getting laid is about as possible as being hit in the head by a meteor, the point is moot.


Why don't you just go to Nevada to an upscale Brothel and get it over with. Maybe after the first time it would get easier.
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 149
view profile
History
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/7/2014 5:06:59 PM
I have friends in sexless marriages. Three are heterosexual marriages and one is a same sex marriage.

If they accept it, ok but I could not accept this.

Some sort of touching seems binding and important to mental and physical health. In the four cases I listed, one partner is not too happy with the situation, but they stay. In one case the husband drinks all the time. All three are married better than 30 years.

My most recent ex bf became mean to me (accusatory, conflictive, belittling) and eventually this meanness created an environment that made being touched by him unpleasant. I would never have continued living with him but if for some strange reason I had, I think it would have been touchfree relationship.
 margareta08
Joined: 2/28/2014
Msg: 150
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/8/2014 1:20:59 AM
Yes like that saying of Benjamin Franklin!!! It is true that some people let themselves go after marriage and kids and wonder why the partner wants to look elsewhere.
 margareta08
Joined: 2/28/2014
Msg: 151
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/8/2014 1:23:42 AM

sigungg
I think you are having us on about not having sex of any kind. Either that or you are incredibly fussy or unlucky.

I would change my height stats though if I were you. Are you trying to hide your real height? You dont look all that short to me or all that tall either.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 152
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/9/2014 12:44:10 PM

I want a long term commitment with the right person but actual marriage doesn't have to be on the table. I think for the most part actual marriage is where passion & good sex goes to die.


I agree ^^^ but I don't think marriage puts unnecessary pressure on people, actually the opposite. After years of marriage, I think both parties get complacent and take the marriage for granted. Many married people forget the romance, the sex, taking care of yourself to be attractive for the other person and yourself, spending quality time with each other - on a physical level. It's much more than sex, it's intimacy. For me, I could not imagine being in relationship without a strong physical connection (sex) and an emotional connection (intimacy.)
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 153
sexless marriage
Posted: 3/9/2014 1:15:17 PM

my cousin was in a fulfilling, fun and happy common-law marriage for (7 years!) and then they finally they decided to make it official. Well it all fell to crap within a year.


^^^Totally sucks. But, my gut tells me their fulfilling, fun and happy common-law marriage may not have been as what it appeared? I lived with my ex for 4 years prior to getting married. When we got married, nothing changed except for my last name. Of course, the marriage changed years down the road. It makes me wonder if your cousin's marriage was at the tip of the 7 year itch and kind of went downhill from there....marriage or not? Regardless, it sucks.
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