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Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 2
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If kids come first, are you willing to come second?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I think if a parent is dating another single parent, it would be fair that both sides are understanding and realize that their kids are their first priority, yet I also would think that they'll work it out so that both will get some attention if any when the kids are around. I would think that when the kids are busy with an activy or sleeping, that could be time for quality time for the couple.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 3
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If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/11/2008 3:39:33 PM
If the other person allowed his kids to monopolize his time when it was unnecessary and made no room for me in his life, no I am not willing to do that but reasonable logistics issues yes, the kids do come first some of the time, something I understand because it happens to me.
Joined: 12/1/2005
Msg: 4
If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:14:06 PM
I will, on occasion, come the man's children, to his job, and to his other family members and responsibilties....and I expect that same graciousness and flexibility...HOWEVER, if I feel that I am coming LAST...and this is on a consistent basis, then we need to talk, and if it doesn't improve, I need to walk.

Also, as a single mother, who was raised by a single mother...I think there comes a time when the relationship between the man and woman should take priority, provided it is not at the expense of the children. Because ultimately, your children grow up, move on, and have their own lives and families, and what better way to teach them than to show them the workings of a healthy, nurturing, relationship? That point is well into the relationship, though, and not when things are (or should still be) still only casual.

My kids aren't casual toys , to be tossed aside on a whim-they are important responsibilities, and should be placed well above my having a nightcap after a first, (or even a fourth or seventh!) date.
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 5
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If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:22:36 PM
I guess it depends. And this is just how I see it and understand and my opinion on it.

kids come first, yes, but not always. This is my reasoning. In relationships, everyone knows that in order for it to work both must work on it to make the relationship grow into something maybe long term. So it is important. Now add kids to this circumstance. Which ever person has the kids their life will have to balance the best interest of the kids and the relationship they want. Now I think this also all depends on the age of the child. Of course younger children, you need to be careful.

This is the way I will always do it (tends to work better for those families that have the mom, dad, and kids together, but can work in a single parent type of family). Everyone and everything would and will come first before me. HOWEVER, if my lack of happiness is making my life miserable and so on and so forth, and if being with someone makes me feel happy (don't get me wrong, my boys, I love them to death, but really, if everything is taken care of for them, what about me? So in this case, yes I come first and will make the person I date important too and numbe 1. And again, if my kids need something, they will then return back to top priority.

Do ya kinda understand? Like, the kids won't always be first 24/7, however whoever you are with should know that there will be times that he/she will come second and your child/ren first. But there can be times where your partner is first and other priorities afterwards.

Then again, I guess it is based on frame of mine. My life is everyone comes first including my boyfriend and kids, I just don't say "okay, Boys are 1, boyfriend comes 2, and my parents come 3, etc" My boyfriend and boys are both first, but if something serious came up with my boys, they take top priority

Sorry if this was so long, I wanted to explain it in a way that I guess needed lots of words. LOL
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 10
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If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 4:49:26 AM
Singleperson, the balancing comes in when people allow the children to run their lives. I dated a guy whose 16-year-old son asked his father to take him to buy shoes on Sunday. This discussion happened on Friday I think, allowing him three other days to take his son shopping for the shoes before he needed them. He cancelled going to a basketball game with me and my kids to accomodate his son merely because he did not want to tell him I have plans I need to do it another day.

In other cases, children don't want to share mom or dad so they manufacture reasons for mom or dad to stay at home or whatever. Mine acted goofy the first time I dated someone and I had to figure out when to cut a date short or something and when to tell the kids listen, you don't sit there and worry about my mental health when you are out skateboarding or sleeping over at your friend's houses, mommy has friends too and I am going to go have a good time with my friends.

The flipside again is if I dated someone who didn't understand that I need to be here in the evenings during the week when the kids are in school to make sure they have eaten, done homework, bathed and get into bed on time, or that I won't be seeing them unless they want to come along to the football game or choir concert I don't suspect he would stick around for very long and that would be his loss.
Joined: 5/6/2008
Msg: 12
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If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:30:26 AM
Maybe we should put it another way instead of (kids come first).
Like some other posters have said, If my kids are sick, or a function at the school and things of the such arrise then yes the kids are first. But If it is just , mommy or daddy i wanted you to stay here with me and play something tonight orjust the natural wanting of a child to be around their parents, then yes you can go ahead and do what you were going to do.
Call it keeping you ducks in line if you will. Somethings are important and take priority above others. It doesn't matter if it is a work, home or in a relationship you still have things that are more important.
Just for example, your at work and the school calls and says your kid has fallen and broken their arm. Are you gonna stay at work untill time to get off or are you gonna go take your kid to eh ER?
But, Then again your school calls and says your kids had come to the office with a belly ache, and the school nurse has check them and there is no temperture, no vomiting but they just wanted to let you know.
Now we all got to have our jobs or we don't eat, lose our cars houses and anything else we are paying for. But in the first case I am going to get my kid and work has took 2nd place behind my child.
But in the 2nd case I will stay at work and ask the school to let them stay and to call me if it gets to the point they needs to come home or see a doctor.
Common since goes along way with raising a child and also in a relationship.
Joined: 1/10/2008
Msg: 13
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If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:08:48 AM
If kids come first, are you willing to come second?

Sure, 100% when it's in the child's BEST interest...Being spoiled or a controller/manipulator is NOT in the child's best interest..

My child always comes first when they NEED to come first.

Remember a child is only a child for a little while..and your child is a part of you .

IMHO... I think that MOST people who say..."My child/ren come first" , make the statement to let others know that they serious about their parental responsiblity. Especially on a dating site, for I don't hear this term thrown around in the real world much...

Joined: 7/19/2006
Msg: 19
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If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/13/2008 11:29:08 PM
I've dated a man who had two little girls, and yes they came first, but I knew this going into the relationship. SO I guess I did come second but I never felt as if I was second. It was all about balance in the relationship. We would have our "date" nights were it would just be the two of us and then we would have "kids choice" where the girls would choose where the four of us went and did something together but there would also be times when I would be at home with one of the girls and he would take the other girl out to do something.

Am I willing to come second? I don't think there is a need to come second.....

Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 23
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If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:09:00 PM
I try to schedule any dates around my daughters schedule. So in that case yes she comes first. I havent been in a committed relationship since my divorce. I hope that when it happens we will be able to work things out with everyone.
Also while I am just starting to date someone, I dont care if they are dating others. After all this is just a time to get to know each other, but once we a relationship starts even if it is only seeing each other once a week there should be no one else for either of us.
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 26
If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/16/2008 5:06:12 PM
I'm a single mom and I have a relationship with a man whose very busy with his hobbies. In regard to his 'hobbies' I know I come in second. Conversely, he has always been second to the needs of my children-whose needs will always supercede his anyway. He has no children nor does he desire any-but he's always been wonderful to my kids.

I try to balance my family life with my career and him-but often times my family and job tend to come first, but at the same time, he has a lot of interests that take away any possible time that we could spend together. The thing is-it's not the amount of time I spend with him that matters as the quality time we share. I am not ready to commit to him or anyone else, but I do like adult companionship-which he provides for me. Perhaps it's not an ideal scenario for some people but it works for US.

I've tried dating single dads but our schedules conflicted so badly we had no time to see each other. Not to say if a single dad wanted to date me I'd say no, but I'm pretty smitten with my man friend, even when there are times weeks go by before we get to see each other. I've always put my kids needs first-hubby ( when we were a couple) came second-then I came third. Even saying that, I've had to do juggling acts with the priorities of the moment-but I've always tried to balance my time and attention evenly to everyone.

My younger kids still need me and if I have to pass up a date with the man-so be it. He does get pissy when he wants me to see him and I can't just drop and go, and there are times I wish I could, but I love both my kids and him and try to make things work as smoothly as possible, even if his pride gets a little ruffled. My older kids have shown me that I won't always be needed, but so long as my children do-their needs will always come first, but that doesn't mean I don't make time for me.

It's all a matter of importance-and that changes on a daily basis. I am not in an exclusive relationship because it's my choice-but I choose only to see the man I'm with and I've told him so. I know, for the most part, he's just seeing me, but I couldn't fault him if he wanted to be with a woman who had more flexibility....but I'm glad he cares enough about me to show it....and I'm happy that I think enough about myself to make the time for him-and for my kids too. It's not easy, but nothing worthwhile is.
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 28
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If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/16/2008 9:23:07 PM
Another point that has not been addressed is the age of the child. It stands to reason that the younger the child, the more they will need their parent. Of course your children always need you but the needs change as they grow older. Parenting teens takes a lot of time in a different way. I like what was said you meet your child's needs first!
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 30
If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/17/2008 11:21:55 PM
The thing is it really doesn't matter where you 'come in'-but it does matter if you are happy with the relationship that you are in. Everyone has needs-and I certainly make sure mine are met-cuz if mommy ain't happy than no one else will be I do understand that we all want to feel important and significant in our relationships but that is only going to happen if we communicate our needs. I will not defend my need to look out for the interests of my children with anyone-it's a moot point as far as I'm concerned.

I just came back from a wonderful evening with the man friend. It had been a couple of weeks since I saw him and I have to say we had a great evening together. Yes, his work and hobbies limit the time we get to spend together-but he MADE the time to see me tonight-took me out to dinner-donned me with a lot of affection and before I left he gave me money for the babysitter. To be honest-his actions showed me that I matter to him and I'm a significant person in his life-so in that respect-I don't much care where I 'come in'. He makes me happy and I know I make him happy and that's all anyone can hope for at the end of the day.

I am a lucky woman to have him in my life and even when there are times I do feel like second fiddle-his actions always remind me I'm the number one lady in his life...and that suits me just fine.
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 33
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If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/18/2008 12:08:09 PM
If I see "my kids come first" on a profile that is about as insightful to me as if they had stated "I have a pulse" or "my head is attached to my body." Of course kids come first, but one thing I have an issue is people who constantly drive the point home to those they date. My kid comes first, but I never say that, and I would never want my significant other to feel unimportant with such simple-minded, useless statements. I make time for my gf all the time, and let her know she plays a hugely important role in my life, and I still spend lots of time with my lil girl.
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 34
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If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/18/2008 2:02:00 PM
If I'm constantly coming in a distant second or on the bottom of the heap, then pardon the cliche' but he's just not that into me, and it's time for me to make a graceful exit.

Agreed...children's needs should always come first but it's not generally a 24/7 situation (especially when custody is shared). If it starts to feel like a "convenient" way out of spending time with you then it's time to re-evaluate things and move on.
Joined: 12/16/2005
Msg: 38
If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/20/2008 9:43:29 AM
i just ended a relationship with someone who was near and dear to me, but was very jealous of other things in my life. And when my kids came to stay with me for the summer that trend carried over. Now of course she would never admit or probably doesn't even feel as though she's jealous of my kids, but I could tell, and I wasn't okay with that. In fact it was deal breaker when she said "I don't think you can do both" meaning her and my kids like somehow I was supposed to choose. Loved her to death, but I'm sorry I don't roll like that. My kids will ALWAYS come first in my life.

I have no problem coming second to someones kids, because I know how it is!
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 42
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If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/22/2008 1:41:37 PM
I just finished dating a guy who had 3 boys.. They did not live with him.. but were with him weekends and basically when ever they wanted.. he and ex shared joint custody. I knew that he would not have a lot of time for me.. but the time we did spend together was great.. I went into it with the understanding that I was not a priority in his life because his children are still young.. one of the things that made him most attractive to me was that he was such a dedicated father. It just comes with the territory.
Joined: 6/23/2007
Msg: 50
If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:46:33 PM
I have joint custody and my residence makes his attending the local school possible. I was in a long term relationship which ended badly, some of it due to her feeling she had no input in raising my son. When the bological parents seperate, we all tend to try and compensate but we can never replace the other. The "other" person no matter how hard they try can never take away a parents love and in this way the kids always stay #1. Since I have every other weekend free, I generally visited my girlfriend and stayed with her. When my son is with me no one stays over night, that time is reserved for being the parent and time for family things. However in a few short years hes off to college and I am going to be alone. So I reconcile that since we broke up I focus on raising my son and am not really interested in chasing anyone. I date and go out, hoping I will find my soul mate, but realize I must remain focused on improving me. I go to the health club mon-fri, listen to my sermons on radio, attend church, work and raise my kid and have become detached from looking and searching. I believe the right 1 will come along eventually either now or later and my experiences have been pretty good following this train of thought. My "new" girlfriend is #1 in my heart but my son is # 1 in my program, if she moves onto a new "friend" and kicks me to the curb the program is in place and no disruptions occur. I know with Gods help I will endure the heart ache but to throw your kid to the sideline and pursue a woman exclusively at the expense of my son is not going to happen.
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 64
If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 8/12/2008 1:15:28 PM
Here is my personal opinion. We are looking at 2 different situations.

1) Some parents let their children manipulate them so the child comes between the two dating and the one they are seeing feels of no value in that person's life. For example, the man makes plans for a date and the daughter, who is suppose to be at her mom's, calls dad to come get her because he told her he was going on a date. Dad cancels date because he has to go get daughter.

2) Childs basic needs of health, saftey, emotional security, education and morales/values every once in a while impact dating experience. This isn't that big of an issue as long as he doesn't make the person feel like you are last on his list and has no value in his life. Let her know she has value and keep the commitments that need to be kept and the exceptions to the rule will seem like no big deal.
Joined: 8/12/2008
Msg: 66
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If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 8/19/2008 5:38:59 AM
You know, that saying always bothered me. Of course our kids come first, but when you have to start over with someone knew and the relationship works out well... then things should be able to fall into place where everyone in one's life is important.

Our hearts adjust to change... measuring it up it silly... just make time for everyone in your life and things should make more sense. Quality time should be made for both kids and partners. And equal time all together is always impt.
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 67
If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 8/19/2008 8:48:09 PM

I think its pretty simple for me, its about balance.

That's right! People who can't balance life between children and dating, shouldn't be dating in the first place.
If they want to, it means they are gonna sacrifice something...could they? After I read last few posts, I doubt it.
I never even go further into the profiles stated "My children is my first priority". It just means we are on the different life stages with this person.

let them rise the children and then they will be back to dating They might date someone who have children and is devoted to them as much as they are to theirs. They would make a great family. My children are grown, and even while they are still very important for me, my life is more important.

My children have their life and they are not willing to be mommy's babies....and I think it's good for them. At least it shows some maturity
Joined: 7/21/2007
Msg: 68
If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 8/21/2008 11:07:11 AM
The woman I'm dating is raising her 6yo son on her own and she's of the mindset that she comes first. She never neglects him and provides for him, but she believes if she's not happy how can she make sure her son is happy? Her son may be 6, but he's a very independent little guy.

She never introduces a guy to him too soon, which I agree is very important.
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 79
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If kids come first, are you willing to come second?
Posted: 9/14/2008 8:42:57 PM
Kids come first in a profile is really the most dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's a comment that doesn't even need to be said, really, unless there is some other implication tied to it.

"kids come first", what does that mean? Do I have to deal with your brats? Care for them? Support them? Babysit? Feed them? What?

I have a daughter, she is a priority in my life, but I don't ever say to anyone I'm with that my daughter comes first. My daughter is my responsibillity, not my girlfriends, and I don't have any expectations when it comes to a girlfriend and my daughter.

They are exclusive relationships as far as I'm concerned. But, I don't think women percieve things the same way. I've always said "if a man wants the woman, he must take the children as part of the deal, but not the other way around." A woman doesn't have to deal (most of the time) with the children, because usually they are with the mother and only see the fathers on a temporary basis.
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