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 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 56
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?Page 2 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)

However, I'll concede that frequency isn't the most important trait.
Variety is!


If both partners are satisfied it is cause they have WORKED at making the relationship be about THEM vs one party. It is the communication, the things you say and do, that makes this part of being with someone so untouchable the idea of being in a sexless relationship is something most of us wont consider.

Personally I agree with quality over quanity...well actually a bit of both /wink.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 57
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/24/2008 3:57:07 PM

It is a well known social science observation that the more stable and committed a relationship is, the less frequent the sexual interactions within the relationship.

Think quality not quantity.

Its just not true that a deep loving caring relationship implies an active sex life, at least not in the average case.
If one partner is deeply dissatisfied with the quantity and/or quality of the sex life...the 'deep loving caring' relationship is gonna sustain damage. The exception would be,of course, illness or disability of one ot the relationship partners. Even then sometimes that love gets rather frayed around the edges.(Right or wrong, the non ill partner is only HUMAN)

It would seem to me that some of the referenced "threats" to the relationship would result in decrease or even cessation of sexual activity provided that the partner who was being cheated on or treated with violence had any backbone whatsoever.
Cindy O
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 59
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/24/2008 4:53:24 PM

a) men looking for women who like sex
b) women looking for men who want something other than sex


Women do like sex, I love sex....but sexual chemisty is only part of a relationship. You have to be compatible outside of the bedroom to.. oh wait!

Actually in the world today compatible in the bedroom seems hard to find!...maybe the men are on to something /snicker ...just kidding Ladies!!!!!!!!!

I have talked to men who say they want to be appreciated for who they were to outside of the bedroom, I dont think it is a matter of Men and Women wanting different things...it is finding the one person who wants what you want....then the sky is the limit!
However the fishing pond is so big that while you are unhooking the last fish that you caught and then realized wasnt a keeper...the one you want might have just gotten hooked by someone else and now you have to wait for them to release it...so you cast again and hope /sigh...maybe you can munch on some chips and salsa while you wait :P

I want a man to treat me right, who has the ability to stimulate my brain, can carry on a conversation about basically anything/everything, GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR required, who while may have had things happen before in his life hasnt allowed them to close him off from a real connection....Give me that and I guarantee the man will always be smiling :P
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 60
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/24/2008 5:14:33 PM

women looking for men who want something other than sex

No, that's not a correct assessment. We are looking for men who want sex within the context of caring and stable relationships. But that takes a man with a BACKbone. Apparently a significant portion of 45+ males lost theirs in the divorce.
Anyway, the premise of the OT was exactly the opposite. The question was posed that since a fair number of mature singles may have not had much in the way of sex for awhile, why is it still a required element of the "good" relationship we all seek. The question was not directed to either gender, and believe it or not, it is NOT just women looking for a "sexless relationship".
To me,sexless relationship=opposite gender roommate.
And I can concede that "sex" doesn't need to be standard garden variety if there are obstacles. But to be with someone and not have that outlet for expression,of giving one another pleasure,(whatever way you can get it done),just doesn't make much sense to me.
Cindy O
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 61
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/24/2008 5:28:21 PM
If there are men out there who think the majority of women don't like or want sex, then they must not be doing it very well. Most the women I talk to want a great sex life, and no not all of them want it within a marriage, they just want a good relationship, some only want casual sex, but they all want sex with a man that is good sex for both of them. I realize there are women out there that don't like sex, as well as men who don't like sex, and there are those of both genders who like to use sex so they can have control, but that is not the majority of the people and I really really have to wonder what kind of bad sex is going on to make someone think that most people don't want it. I mean if every man or woman you are with hates having sex with you, you are the common thread.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 63
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/24/2008 5:53:40 PM

I mean if every man or woman you are with hates having sex with you, you are the common thread.

AMEN, sister!!
Cindy O
 sandalz
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 65
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/25/2008 4:47:18 AM
Just curious...if your sex life was so great and the love and emotional part kept it great....why are you anyone's ex???
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 66
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/25/2008 6:53:07 AM
Oldsoul? What a wonderful post that was and one that I could most definately relate to.
Do NOT pay attention to the poster above me. His immaturity/mental capabilities are out here for all to see!
I was much like your second relationship with my ex husband. Exactly the same to be honest. Sex is not , like some of the tards here like to insist, the be all and end all darlin. If there is nothing else, the relationship will in fact disolve. I for one would like to thank you for your honesty and thoughts in your post. It was much appreciated darlin!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 67
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/25/2008 8:52:09 AM
Oldsoul, I concur with your statements. If sex was the be all and end all, then most of the planet would be in unhappy relationships. If I thought for a minute that the only glue in my relationships was sex, I would not be there at all.

That said, I think there is a difference between what happens in an established relationship, and what happens at the beginning of a relationship. In the early times people explore all aspects of the other, and sexual exploration is something that I think has to happen before any long term decisions are taken. There are, of course, lots of people who are in relationships that do not involve sex, even in the early stages, but to me these are unusual cases in one way or another. Your basic boy meets girl situation, in most cases where it is possible, should lead to sex.
 sandalz
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 69
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/25/2008 2:00:53 PM
since I am divorced...what do I know lol...

I think sex is a barometer...

I cannot even begin to imagine being in an intimate relationship where the sexual connection is not present.

It is such a trusting vulnerable position...you really know me and love me and accept me!
 sedusa
Joined: 6/13/2008
Msg: 70
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/25/2008 4:22:16 PM
I dont think its as the top of the list at least not for everyone, but if it is something one wants then they should have it.

Sex to me is just that, sex. Now lovemaking is a different thing I would want it in a solid relationship, but I could live without it if it wasnt feasible for some reason.

I think sex should be a bonus not a requirement. A bonus is something you normally get after doing something well and good for a period of time, hence I think sex should be categorized the same. A requirement is a rule for something and something about that just doesnt sit well with me. I dont have a problem with anyone who says they have to have it, but at the same time I dont think its bad for those who dont have to have it either.
 classic-man
Joined: 9/9/2006
Msg: 71
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/26/2008 5:04:36 AM
Point well said message 123!!!


Intimacy is for a life time in a relationship and or marriage!-- sex is momentarly!


both can last for the moment or a lifetime if applied correctly!!!
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 74
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/26/2008 8:54:01 PM

I can remember Wayne being so nervous on one of our first dates that he dropped a can of cocoa all over himself and the kitchen floor and just knowing that he cared enough about me to BE nervous aroused my affections for him.........

Ladies, can you identify with things like that or is it just me? It's all the other moments that happen between me and my guy that arouse my desire to express my affection and love for him in the bedroom hours later...........


...My daughter has an expression that I have come to use often...."It makes my heart feel warm"...so no, its not just you, I find that sort of stuff endearing.


...maeflowers
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 77
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/30/2008 3:16:22 AM

So why not put it down the list… as a bonus, not a requirement?
Ummmm, because some of us DON'T LIE.
Because some of us want a COMPLETE relationship.
Because some of us don't DELUDE ourselves.
Because some of us ENJOY GIVING.
Because some of us don't like being INSULTED.

The telling lies should speak for itself. The "Complete" relationship....I know...I know....a LOT of you are going to disagree....and for those who DO disagree....that's fine.....if YOU can have a "complete" relationship WITHOUT sex....then.....more power to ya. I, and many others however.....CANNOT. To me....sex is what differentiates the difference between "friendship"....and "relationship".

To those who believe that sex should not be a "requirement", no doubt you also ASSUME that those of us who consider it a requirement are pigs who would screw anything that moves for the sake of "sex". I'm sure there is no changing your minds; HOWEVER, to those of us who consider sex in a relationship as a "requirement"....we can tell you that the reason we can go for long periods of time without sex BECAUSE "no sex" is better than sex with someone you can't stand, don't care about, don't respect, and don't want to share with.

Your mind may delude you into believing that you truly love someone, but your body will SCREAM out the truth. Your mind may say....hey, this is a decent person, we get along ok, they're considerate, blah, blah, blah....but your body (sexual desire) will repeatedly and consistently debunk all those logical arguments about why you SHOULD "love" someone.....by informing you through your lack of desire to "complete the relationship" with the ultimate gift of total intimacy. (sex)

"Sex" for the sake of "sex" is taking something you need....hopefully you had permission LOL! The other person is also taking something they needed.....no harm, no foul.....you both got what you needed....you go your separate ways.
The kind of sex had by people in a solid relationship is about GIVING (each to the other), not taking. It's also about accepting the GIFT of pleasure and intimacy....and not trying to dictate how it's wrapped and what's inside; but rather the joy of seeing what the other person WANTS to give you of themselves.

Lastly, some of us don't like being insulted by essentially being told that we're not worthy or deserving of a WHOLE relationship. I can't imagine any insult bigger than being "told" (even if not verbally, but by implication) that we're good enough to pay the bills, do the laundry, cooking, mow the grass, fix the car....but we're not good enough or worth the effort of knowing us in a very intimate way.

Many will agrue that "Friends" are very intimate. I suggest to you.....are those friends people that you want to study every line in their face, or that you want to smell their odors still clinging to you for 2 hrs after they've left for work? Does thinking about those things "excite" you to the point that you don't know if you can wait until they come back home....and you wonder why the hell you traded the van in on a car....LOL! because you could have gone to pick they up at work in the parking lot!

These are SOME of the reasons why those who list sex as a "requirement" in a relationship ALSO say
They would rather abstain than get involved with ‘flings’.
"Flings" are for people who truly DON'T enjoy sex...it's just something that they physically need to do occassionally. To people who do enjoy sex.....the fling seekers are like.......playing Scrabble with a 5 yr old. They just don't get it.....but you feel so sorry for them that you want to make them thing they were actually in the game.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 79
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:08:48 AM

Gosh GrandmaBooBoo, that was quite a biting post.
If it was any way directed at the original poster (me) or original post, I don't see how the overall total tone of my posts should have brought out such a ... response.
LOL! NO, not at all directed at you OP; just at the silly men who think that 55 yr old women are looking for NOTHING but a bingo partner and someone to bake cookies for the grandkids! LOL! If any of the "bites" got anyone personally, so sorry....but I was addressing the aspects of the "platonic", "roommate"....surely "old people" must want a TV watching partner more than they do an intimate relationship theories.

These theories do seem to be a recurring pattern of thought in the forums of late. I see one suggesting that in view of the bad economy we should settle for "pretending to have an intimate relationship" because doing so would at least help with the rent. Naturally there are always those who predict doom and gloom in the future of anyone who doesn't "lower their standards" enough to let the one doing the predicting slip under the bar! LOL!

I do absolutely agree with you however that having gone "THIS long without sex"....I'm certainly not going to settle with NO sex....or LOUSY sex.....just for the sake of an incomplete relationship. LOL! that would just be a total insult to the great sex that I have had. The idea being that as we get older our relationships should get BETTER....not worse.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 80
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/30/2008 11:07:45 AM

I do absolutely agree with you however that having gone "THIS long without sex"....I'm certainly not going to settle with NO sex....or LOUSY sex.....just for the sake of an incomplete relationship. LOL! that would just be a total insult to the great sex that I have had.


....You have no idea just "how long" SOME of us have gone without With that being said, I agree with the above. To me, sex plays an important part in maintaining a healthy, happy relationship. I need, crave and want that sort of intimacy with my partner.....so yes, sex is important, great sex is even better.

...maeflowers
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 83
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 7/1/2008 7:54:21 AM

I don't believe the "sex is important" claim.
I think what's important is the ego attached with not having sex.
That's clearly more important than sex.



THE ID (“It”): functions in the irrational and emotional part of the mind. At birth a baby’s mind is all Id - want want want. The Id is the primitive mind. It contains all the basic needs and feelings. It is the source for libido (psychic energy). And it has only one rule --> the “pleasure principle”: “I want it and I want it all now”. In transactional analysis, Id equates to "Child".
THE EGO: (“I”): functions with the rational part of the mind. The Ego develops out of growing awareness that you can’t always get what you want. The Ego relates to the real world and operates via the “reality principle”. The Ego realises the need for compromise and negotiates between the Id and the Superego. The Ego's job is to get the Id's pleasures but to be reasonable and bear the long-term consequences in mind. The Ego denies both instant gratification and pious delaying of gratification. The term ego-strength is the term used to refer to how well the ego copes with these conflicting forces. To undertake its work of planning, thinking and controlling the Id, the Ego uses some of the Id's libidinal energy. In transactional analysis, Ego equates to "Adult". Ego too strong = extremely rational and efficient, but cold, boring and distant
THE SUPEREGO (“Over-I”): The Superego is the last part of the mind to develop. It might be called the moral part of the mind. The Superego becomes an embodiment of parental and societal values. It stores and enforces rules. It constantly strives for perfection, even though this perfection ideal may be quite far from reality or possibility. Its power to enforce rules comes from its ability to create anxiety. Superego too strong = feels guilty all the time, may even have an insufferably saintly personality.


I fail to see how the denial of ones basic human "need" or "desire" can be attributed to a healthy "ego" either by logic or maturity. Perhaps you are referring to the over-inflated (unhealthy ego). It is the "mature" healthy ego that allows us to accept that we have needs, but don't expect them to be instantly met without consequences.
It is the UNHEALTHY ego that goes to the extremes of DENYING those needs or ELEVATING those needs above all consequence.

I have not seen anyone here post that "sex" was MORE important than any other aspect of a healthy relationship....but of equal importance. I have however seen many state that sex is of 0 (zero) importance....which in my mind kinda screams of a defeatist attitude; ie....I can't have what I want, so I'll just tell myself it's not important anyhow. Not being a psychologist I could well be wrong...but that attitude seems to be more in line with the
Superego too strong = feels guilty all the time, may even have an insufferably saintly personality.
 bostonkev
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 84
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:09:01 AM
all this talk of sex makes me so horny
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 85
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 7/3/2008 6:32:06 AM

There is something to be said for a howling woman tied to a chair.
YES.....it's says that you forgot the gag! LOL!


Now us older people have been there and done that, now our hormones have been reduced dramatically, but we still enjoy intimacy as the young do, our lives now are filled with many more things than spending 99% of the day thinking of sex as some of the young do.
NO....you're describing older MEN......NOT older women! LOL! Nature's cruel trick.....we're now in our prime....and the men's left them about 20 years ago!
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 86
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 7/3/2008 4:40:54 PM

the love is FAR MORE important.........
Agreed......but a sense of humor is right up there in the top 3. Sad that so many also lose that ability to laugh at themselves, and the ironies in life.
 Green Sangha
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 87
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:36:21 PM
First, I agree that love is essential to a successful relationship. As to whether, when, how much and what kind of sex is necessary there are as many answers as there are people. And a person's answer may change over time and more than once in a lifetime. I know that I've taken space without sex or an intimate relationship at times in order to focus on my own needs and growth. During those times I can take care of my own physical needs and there are moments when I miss sexual intimacy with another person and moments when I don't. However, for me, I can't imagine entering an ongoing emotionally intimate relationship where it is understood that there isn't going to be sexual touching and expression. That may change depending on who I meet and how we negotiate meeting one another's changing needs.

On the other hand I have a friend who is 63 and single who says she is quite happy with her life and can't imagine wanting an intimate relationship. She is focused on her spiritual growth (Buddhist), her volunteer projects (environmental) and her intellectual pursuits (psychology and more). She not only can't imagine wanting sex, but feels turned off thinking about it.

I don't think there is one right answer. I think that what we say is a snapshot of what is important to us and where we are at the moment. I'd like to think, if I fall in love with a man we will both be desirous of sexual touching of some form throughout the duration of our relationship. That is, however, only one of the things that is important to me in a relationship and while it is quite important it is not the only important aspect of relating to my beloved.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 90
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:10:15 PM
Well, I've been living without a bicycle in my life for a good long time. But I promise you that if a bicycle DID come into my life, it damn well better have wheels. . . .


 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 91
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 7/7/2008 3:47:49 PM
Life without sex, or should I say lovemaking would be quite boring. There are different degrees of love making. Sometimes it's so damn intense that it simply leaves you breathless, you don't know if you can have another go-around so soon. There are other times, it's like a meal that you've enjoyed but you don't quite have your belly full, so you crave more. Between 2 people, it's the joy of being connected, even if it is for a brief second. It's incredible to hear the happy heartbeat of your partner. Too, if cuddling is on the menu for the evening, it's being in the arms of someone that you find special, and holds you in the same regard.
 Sharon4JC
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 92
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:15:09 AM
You know sex is VERY important but putting it as a 'bonus' would be a foolish gesture, I would think. I believe that finding that one person first; getting to know that person; then getting married is much more important than just having sex for the sake of having sex. As my mom used to say, anything worth anything is worth waiting for. Sex is a very personal and a very intimate thing in a person's life and it has to be at the top of the list as it goes along with all of the rest of what a person would seek in another person.
 seeker1997
Joined: 5/8/2006
Msg: 93
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:30:04 AM
sex is only 10% of a relationship but if it isnt there it very quickly beomes 90% of the problem
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