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 arcticdude
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 483
The instant chemistry demandPage 24 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)

What they state they want on their profile.. is usually Dating or LTR.

But.. once met with them.. what they say they want then is.. FWB.


Well, that would not be my M.O., but let me venture a guess that, perhaps they are indeed looking for a LTR, but after getting to know you, they've decided that, for them, you are not LTR material (as far as their desires go). They obviously find you attractive enough to try for FWB...Not 'Miss Right', but 'Miss Right Now"...kind of a superficial compliment at best...but I can see how this could easily seem shallow or repulsive or annoying at worst if you didn't feel the same way towards them.

Personally, if a woman is not "Miss Right" I just move on...not looking for "Miss Right Now".

All this to say what you describe is not necessarily 'deceit' on their profiles...
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 485
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History
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 3/17/2009 8:53:59 PM
Perhaps it's how one defines (instant) chemistry. While defining it as sexual attraction causes some folks to get their panties in a knot it's basically a first impression, a REALLY GOOD first impression.

It's sexual attraction but that means it's the "things" that cause the attraction. We probably wouldn't be attracted to a person with body odour so we can say we're attracted to the individual's personal hygiene. We probably wouldn't be attracted to a foul-mouthed individual so we're attracted to the way a person expresses themselves.

We probably wouldn't be attracted to person who wore clothes with holes in them so we can say we're attracted to how they dress. We probably wouldn't be attracted to a person who was rude to wait staff so we can say we're attracted to one who treats people with respect.

Those things and a host of others can be determined within the time it takes to order a drink. When all those things come together that, IMO, is what instant chemistry is all about. "Everything" is perfect. The speech, the body language, the dress, the mannerisms, the first topic of conversation........it's sexual in the sense all the things that are conducive to sexuality are present but that is different than saying it's just about sex.
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 488
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History
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 3/18/2009 1:29:45 PM
DEMAND is not on my cards in the chemistry department but hey, maybe your wish could be my command

As per INSTANT ... hmm ... slowly brewing up engulfs senses, lasts longer and potentials are greater
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 490
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 3/19/2009 3:14:12 PM
^^^You can thank Sex And The City writers and Sarah Jessica Parker's character in particular for that phrase. : )
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 492
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 3/21/2009 6:08:07 PM
I think that women are actually MORE likely to spend time on a person when the instant click is not there, than men are.


Not necessary. There have been several times when a first date or second date was okay. But not great. I was willing to go out on another date to see if any chemistry would develop with more time. Yet these women weren't interested in another date.
 Avocado_Peaches
Joined: 11/29/2006
Msg: 493
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 3/28/2009 8:39:43 AM
You are so right REDARCANGEL, I coudn't have said it better my self.
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 504
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/22/2009 9:15:21 AM
Sure Chemistry is a bonus but love can grow with the right mix but in the end something has to be there for it to work.
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 505
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/22/2009 9:22:33 AM
I have experienced what you would call love at first sight once. We were so twitterpated with each other on our first date that the waitress asked us if we were newlyweds. I still get that same feeling whenever this man comes into my line of sight or whenver I see a picture or whenever he is online. He needed to grow up and realize that I am no less important then his business or we probably would have been married by now. I'm not naive enough to expect that with every person. I could have been with a number of people who my feelings grew for as time went on and were no less strong then the ones I had for him. In most cases the people I meet are not from online, I meet them while I am out and it is your normal I like you lets chat and get to know each other and a relationship blossoms from there. The fireworks are not normal. Of course i rarely get to that point. My sole problem is I need my mind stimulated. I won't continue to email or im or talk to someone who doesn't make me think, or who doesn't intrigue me in some way. So we never get to the first meet/date where there could potentially be fireworks. Men also need to not be afriad to ask me to coffee. I'm not going to chat with you forever. If you get a few responses then ask me to coffee. I'm interested.
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 507
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/23/2009 7:00:37 AM
:~) Thanks.

I didn't say I was stupid about things. I checked him out prior to even agreeing to meet him. And no.. I don't mean only what you wrote above. What I mean, is couldn't get him off my mind, thought about him constantly, could see the stars in his eyes when he looked at me, butterflies in my belly, I got goosebumps everytime he touched me, just seeing that he was calling me made me instantly happier and feeling like we were in a bubble, like noone else was there but us when we were together. It was crazy.

That, my friend, is what I am referring to. Instant physical attraction.. yea..I've expirenced that before too..but it is entirely different. Love at first sight.. is something I never expect. I much prefer the slower route to get to know someone.
 cw35
Joined: 4/8/2005
Msg: 508
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/23/2009 8:17:59 AM
What people call "chemistry" does just boil down to fleeting physical lust or else there wouldn't be these dumb statements about "love at first sight" or "instant attraction". These two statements that people use when describing "chemistry" proves how fleeting and jeuvenille it really is. Personally I believe that choosing a mate based on being "twitterpated" shows a complete lack of maturity. I remember that feeling when I was a naive teenager but I don't think an adult mind should be attracted to someone this way. I've kissed, dated and been in love but never had "butterflies" or whatever you want to call it. My mind just doesn't work that way when deciding who I want to be with.
 Call Me Sugar
Joined: 10/7/2008
Msg: 509
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/23/2009 9:12:48 AM
4 days after i joined POF i met someone who totally blew me away from the very first message... we continued messaging all day..
for both of us, there was definitely some sort of chemistry, connection, or whatever you want to call it... i cant even explain it....
we're still together..
i never thought it was possible or believed in instant chemistry, but it happened to me...
its very very rare, but it does happen....
 itsthemoops
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 510
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/23/2009 11:02:23 AM
I agree that "chemistry" is a whole package...but you people are funny who claim to not be too concerned about instant chemistry....I have not looked at your profiles but I am willing to bet money that a majority of you have a requirement on your profile for the responder to have a picture posted ;)
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 511
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/23/2009 11:15:32 AM
Absoulty! I want to see a picture! I want to know that you have the confidence in yourself to post a picture and I want to see if you are somewhat physically attractive to me. I am not concerend with instant chemistry, but I also want to date a man who takes care of himself, looks halfway decent (to me) and isn't so ashamed of his looks that he won't post a picture. (yes yes i know,..that's not always the reason, but it's how I perceive it, you can't change my view..don't bother to try). I have dated men with all kinds of looks, but all them have one thing in common. They were all physically and mentally (since braun without brains is totally unattractive) attractive to me.
 cw35
Joined: 4/8/2005
Msg: 512
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/23/2009 11:55:24 AM
itsthemoops: What you say doesn't make sense. Physical attraction is a part of attraction. I don't think anyone disputes that. The problem is that needing there to be this "instant chemistry" means that looks are the ONLY thing that's important. If you are looking for any depth in a relationship, you can't base it on something as silly as needing to feel something in the first 5 minutes. It's just stupid to think that.
 itsthemoops
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 513
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/23/2009 12:33:54 PM

The problem is that needing there to be this "instant chemistry" means that looks are the ONLY thing that's important.


sorry...didn't make myself clear...I was just drawing a tangent from lack of traffic due to the demand of a picture on here and tying that to the demand for instant chemistry...it's the same mindset

I agree...attraction is necessary in chemistry...but chemistry is a MUCH bigger thing than simply looks or a picture...and real chemistry cannot be determined in 5 minutes...maybe 10...haha...just kidding....hope I explained it better this time...LOL
 Lobo_Corazon
Joined: 2/6/2009
Msg: 514
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/24/2009 9:16:29 AM
While it's true that chemistry can kindle over time... You have to actually spend that time together for it to get that chance. And the chance is, honestly, very low. Sure, it happens - But think of all the friends and acquaintances you've dealt with over the years - How many of those grew unexpectedly into romantic relationships?

So does it make any sense to devote yourself to someone for months or years when your gut tells you that there could never be any attraction beyond a friendship? Of course not. A relationship takes time and effort, and it doesn't make any sense to put that much of yourself into a stranger when there's no likelihood of it working out.
If I have free time, I'd rather spend it with my family and friends than seek out unattractive strangers on the off chance that I might change my mind down the road and suddenly find this person compelling.
Now an attractive stranger - That's a whole different ballgame! Even if it doesn't work out, hanging out with them is going to be fun simply because I'm attracted (that's how it works for me anyway.)
If romance is going to "bloom unexpectedly" with a friend, it's going to be with someone who was already in my life as a friend. But looking for "friends first" with the intent that it's going to end up with romance, is not likely to get you anywhere fast.

For the few who made that approach work - Good for you, of course!
I'll stick with pursuing people for whom I feel some attraction to get things started in the right direction.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 516
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/24/2009 10:53:43 AM
If the quote had read "we'll both know in the first five minutes if we aren't attracted at all", there would be a whole lot more people agreeing with it. I believe most people who use the words originally quoted actually mean what I just wrote.

It may not be fair and it may not be right, but for the most part, if we're being honest, we have to admit that the initial decision to give someone a chance to be involved with us does happen in the first few minutes after meeting in person. Usually a snap judgement based solely on our physical attraction to their appearance or presence.


I agree with your point. But unless a woman is butt ugly and / or dishonest about her appearance, I wouldn't lose interest in her only after 5 minutes.
 Lobo_Corazon
Joined: 2/6/2009
Msg: 517
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/24/2009 10:55:54 AM
Yeah, that's an important clarification. There's a HUGE difference between "I just didn't feel butterflies the first time I saw her" and "The sight of him made me want to throw up in my mouth a little."
 cw35
Joined: 4/8/2005
Msg: 518
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/24/2009 11:10:01 AM
rheard: You may have to admit that you judge people in 3 minutes but I sure as hell don't do that. If I was that arrogant and fickle I'd be alone for a very long time. All of this foolishness is a result of living in the ADD society we've created. If people aren't instantly entertained or gratified they move on to the next shiny thing. It's all so immature and stupid. I can't see how we can even survive as a species the way our species gets dumbed down with each passing generation.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 520
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/24/2009 4:27:47 PM

(Msg 582) itsthemoops: What you say doesn't make sense. Physical attraction is a part of attraction. I don't think anyone disputes that. The problem is that needing there to be this "instant chemistry" means that looks are the ONLY thing that's important. If you are looking for any depth in a relationship, you can't base it on something as silly as needing to feel something in the first 5 minutes. It's just stupid to think that.


Looks aren't the only thing one can determine in five or ten minutes.

Let's use "chemistry" in another example. Let's say you're looking for a business partner with whom to open a widget factory. You place an AD on the net saying you're seeking a business partner and you receive a number of replies. You decide to meet one of the applicants for lunch.

You're sitting at the table and the man walks in. Immediately you see he's tall and well dressed. He makes "an entrance", for lack of a better expression.

Upon reaching your table he introduces himself with a deep, clear voice. You acknowledge who you are and he sits down. The first thing he does is look at his watch and comment about being thankful he arrived on time due to a traffic snarl and tells an anecdote about a young boy walking a dog and the dog had come free of the leash and was running around the stopped cars at the intersection and how people were laughing in their cars even though they were stuck in traffic.

The waitress arrives at the table and you both order. While you're waiting for the drinks he asks about your favorite sports team and when you reply he asks for your thoughts about a specific player as he's a fan of that team, as well. As soon as the waitress returns with the drinks he already has the money in his hand to pay for them. You thank him and remark you'll get the next round.

All that could happen in less than 10 minutes. Wouldn't you say you and him had chemistry? He'd be excellent with clients. He can put people at ease. He's definately presentable. Cheerful. (Anyone who can find humor in a traffic tie-up certainly wins points!)

That's basically what chemistry is. It's a super, first impression but it's not just how a person looks and it's not just sexual. The chemistry with the man is related to you and him being in business together. It's a business chemistry.

When it comes to dating the chemistry will be of a romantic nature but that includes more than just sex. It the person presentable? Cheerful? Do they put you at ease?

IMO, that's the purpose of the "coffee meet" or having lunch with a potential business partner. That's chemistry and quite often it can be determined within a few minutes.


(Msg 590) Second, I think a lot of people who are so adamantly opposed to relying on chemistry forget that the whole dating paradigm is turned upside-down when it's initiated online. In the last 2 million years of "dating", chemistry came first. You wouldn't even consider approaching someone who didn't initially spark your interest.


Exactly! Our sense of sight was the original sense we used for millions of years. It's just plain silly for people to denigrate it. There isn't anything shallow or superficial about it, at all. It's common sense even if it's not all that common.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 521
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 4/27/2009 6:20:29 AM

That's chemistry and quite often it can be determined within a few minutes.


I would have to disagree with your example. IMO a brief conversation or icebreaker question about sports, movies, or any other subject doesn't necessary mean that we have chemistry. If we had a good conversation about various subjects and values, then I might say that we have chemistry. Besides many people could be somewhat nervous or shy at the begining of a first date / meeting.
 day off pilot
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 525
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:14:03 AM
I agree with you. I have said that chemistry is the combining of elements and it takes time for them to bond and become cohesive. I think you are on the money with the physical attraction part..it does change.
I also believe that hollywood and media have told us for so long that the beautiful and thin are what we should want...and we bought into thier theories and made lawyers rich in divorce court.
If we all set aside this 5 minute fireworks thing and take the time to get to know one another and realize that we all have flaws and perfections...we might find the relationship we have always pictured for ourselves. Yes we have our ideal body types and being open instead of ridged in what we like opens up our possibilities. My ex was a size 3 and still is...I was used to this and thought that was what I wanted till I met someone who wasn't a size 3 but a 12 and looked like a 7...even though it didn't go anywhere she opened my mind to more. It was a valuable lesson and taught me a lot about chemistry and about myself.
Quit looking for that instant spark. It's merely a distraction from what we truly want for a longterm relationship.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 528
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 8/5/2009 4:20:47 AM
I agree, but so many people say they cannot do that as it a waste of time. I am attracted to so many different types of men that I cannot imagine meeting 20 men and finding 18 of them not appealing enough to want to see again, people say they are just that way and cannot help it. I wonder about the differences in people regarding this topic.
 mcwr
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 531
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:40:47 AM
I wouldn't date a girl that I didn't think was cute. And I wouldn't want to date someone that didn't think I was cute. Dating for any other reason is a waste of time, IMO. If a woman wants money, she can get a job.
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