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Joined: 11/15/2007
Msg: 55
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capricorn,yes it's a horrible situation and it reallly scares me especially at my age!!i don't want to take that risk , so i'm quite happy to have my own little home at least for now.i don't have to worry if a relationship will last or if i will be kicked out the next day.

i know we say well i wouldn't do it unless i was in love..but that's exactly what we are if we give it all up for love just to be dumped shortly after... yes capricorn, it is amazing what we do in the name of love!!
Joined: 12/5/2007
Msg: 56
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Posted: 7/11/2008 5:10:34 AM

I think the forest is full of lemon trees...people are just so bitter and I doubt many could have gone thru as much as what I did...tis truly sad...without love in your life it is like living half dead.

I've shaken the lemon trees in the forest for almost 60 yrs. and I have lemonade. I've added sugar along the way and as a result I'm living comfortably in my lemonade stand.
No bitterness resides here.
Not from the death of my late husband or other crappy events during the past 6 decades. Nor am I living half-dead just because I'm single and without the love of a man in my life.
I'm not playing the role of the martyr or arrogant enough to think that I'm the only human being on the planet that has known heartache.
I would think that moving in with a partner would be a huge life decision for most people over 45.
When or if I finally meet "the one" I want to spend the rest of my life with, I'll have no problem sharing my lemonade laced with love. It will certainly be part of the equation. But so will REALISM. Anyone with a grip on reality will ensure that their own "lemonade stand" will be left intact if the relationship fails.
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 57
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Posted: 7/11/2008 5:45:47 AM

I would think that moving in with a partner would be a huge life decision for most people over 45.
When or if I finally meet "the one" I want to spend the rest of my life with, I'll have no problem sharing my lemonade laced with love. It will certainly be part of the equation. But so will REALISM. Anyone with a grip on reality will ensure that their own "lemonade stand" will be left intact if the relationship fails.

Very well said my Phoebes! I know exactly where you are coming from as I have the same thoughts! Hm...wonder if that is why we are such good buds?
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 58
Moving in
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:54:05 AM
I'm currently renting...with my 28 yr-old Son...
I'd JUMP at a chance ... if I found a Terrific Lady..!!!
* ~ Do N O T let 'Distance' interfere with your 'considerations'....
I'd be More than happy to DO the moving...I have very few bulky material things...!!!
Great chemistry will tell you that finding a True Soul-Mate negates ANY Obstacles...!!!
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 59
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Posted: 7/29/2009 5:06:31 PM

wow the condition so many people are in justblows me and possession are more valueabla than love.. and no trust ..just wow

It is hard to live with out money and possession ( house) ...... most people were ripped for trusting some one that they think love is the only thing that can sustain their livihood...:
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 60
Moving in
Posted: 7/29/2009 5:16:45 PM
I must agree with you, Capricorn40, I would have a very difficult time leaving my home for someone else's nest. If we were making the decision to move in together, I would prefer a fresh start (neither of us is moving into the other's "space" and we both get to chose the decor for the new place).
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 61
Moving in
Posted: 7/30/2009 5:24:56 PM
Don't know if I could.....but I will never say, "never..."
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 62
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Moving in
Posted: 7/30/2009 5:32:39 PM

What would make someone of our age group leave our homes and move in with someone else.

umm, love? Is that such a hard concept over 45?
At the core of it, all the stuff is just stuff. Finding someone you want to deeply share your life with can't possibly compare with 'stuff'.
And, yeah, sign a co-hab or pre-nup, because we don't need to be stupid at our ages... as long as we keep in mind 'stupid' has two extreme ends of the continuum: those who leap without using their heads, and those whose heads won't let them leap.
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 63
Moving in
Posted: 7/30/2009 5:49:46 PM
I would love to share a home with a SO. Someone to play with when the mood strikes, someone to talk to or not. Just having a great guy around whether we are together or at opposite ends of the property. And for my part it would not be for financial reasons, but just because ... we want to be together.

I'm quite content coming to an empty apartment every night (when not heading to the boat), but it would be nice to curl up next to a special guy every night knowing that he'll be there in the morning.

Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 64
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Posted: 7/31/2009 5:40:14 AM
Ffs, who'd have thought that so many of the over 45's don't understand by now what's freaking truly important by this time in their life???!

Whenever it is we all leave this mortal coil...hopefully your hand will be held in love by someone who's known the breadth and extent of you from sharing life with you...and is changed immeasurably for the better for having known you in this way...and that you’re not lying there alone full up of the 'stuff' of life and little else of true import to be inevitably picked over sorted by your next of know the kind-hearted, well-meaning sort who will likely 'guess' as to your wishes, furrow their brow as to your somewhat idiosyncratic yet purposeful way of having arranged for something----not 'knowing' you as they might have or -ought-to-have-had' ...that will be the best that they can, and ought to be expected to do.

You know the oh-so-important mortgage papers, your bank account, apartment and toy leases, 401k docs, safe deposit keys, the vehicles, the old family summer homes, and iron-clad prenup arrangements, all to be protected and guarded at all costs...means squat when you're toe-to-toe with something in flesh…breathing, feeling and wanting you with every dimension of their the extent that living apart is something that reads ‘alien’ to them...

Some of you have unwittingly put one mighty moat around what it’ll take to reach your heart and crack your particular code; just know this---not everybody is up to pole jumping to that extent any more. Ease up will ya? Love is worth it. One can still be responsible, pragmatic, mature and adult about protecting oneself financially yet still be open---ease up.

Hopefully at 45 plus, we can all find ourselves confronted again with something so real and insistent and that it literally propels us out of our complacency, urges us to be known and revealed to another. We all want someone to see us and know us during our time here…That ‘knowing’ and wanting to be known moves us to be with another…to think past the current myopic fixation with ‘stuff’ to exploring the simple joys of being together sharing your life with someone who, even in the more mundane and niggling aspects…makes you shake your head and wonder how you could ever have mistaken what was really important in the first place.

Peace good people.
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 66
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Moving in
Posted: 9/11/2009 7:06:08 PM

So I advocate getting a place together.

I agree with that 100% and I will also add, get a new bed....
no need to be sleeping where other people have been.... fresh start... no problems....
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 67
Moving in
Posted: 9/11/2009 10:14:16 PM
I think it depends if you prefer being alone nightly or with someone.

I look at the home and furnishings (btw I sold furniture for over 10 years so I have nice stuff) as unimportant and replaceable. Finding someone who I want to spend the night in their arms is priceless...if it means I move..Ill move.
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 68
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Moving in
Posted: 9/12/2009 2:23:59 AM
if you can't see it, you never will.

i'd rather be snuggled up to a man i love in a small house, than roam around a big one by myself. in the interim, i am getting a housemate!

what drives me? only child, extrovert, passion, lonely for intimate partner versus f buddy. the deeper levels of a true love affair and longstanding partnership do not require a mortage--AND the value will only go up. yes. call me a romantic. but, i'm also street smart. so, call me eclectic instead.

ps they say it is best to get a totally new house if you couple. the other option is that if one doesn't mind moving into the other's home, to empy it halfway and let that person make it his/hers as well. this includes repaint and whatever else to make it "theirs". however, that has financial and trust implications. i imagine that may blur your visual as well.
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 69
Moving in
Posted: 9/12/2009 3:28:11 AM
it would take a lot for me to move in with someone....
he would have to be mighty special.

the last ltr i had....i was always making excuses to leave and return home. i wasn't comfortable sleeping all night in his bed and i missed my own space.

if the time does come for me to cohabit with a lover it would have to be our place....otherwise it wouldn't work for me.
Joined: 12/5/2007
Msg: 70
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Posted: 9/12/2009 4:55:00 AM

and I will also add, get a new bed..........
no need to be sleeping where other people have been...fresh start... no problems....

Well, I'm all set then! I've just bought a new bed.......It's the "bowling ball" mattress, that advertises that a person's sleep isn't disturbed if the other turns over. But, I haven't had the chance to test it out, to see if it works.........
Dating is only one dimension of a relationship. Living together would add a whole 'nuther element.
So, I think the decision to move in with someone should be made after careful consideration and communication (between the couple) about all the pros and cons of living together. I just think it's better to do this before renting the U-Haul. It's probably because I hate packing & moving, only to find out afterward, that we're incompatible living together. Then having to pack up and move again.
It's the practical Virgo in me..............
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 71
Moving in
Posted: 9/12/2009 5:14:18 AM

If there came a time when we really wanted to move in, I'd rent mine out, she'd rent her's out, and we'd get a place that would be OURS.

I think that would be my idea as well.. No reason to sell just rent them out..

Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 73
Moving in
Posted: 9/12/2009 5:57:45 AM
I'd move in IF and only IF there was enough room for my books and DVD collection..... I am not attached to my home, this area, too many things other than my books and movies.... I'd gladly move in a minute even if it meant companionship.... Last year I was part of an on-line writers group and three of us were actually thinking of buying a house in New Mexico and living communally, but we lived in different states, one person had a severe family emergency, we just never got the right time to hash this out and get together. Yeah, I'd do it just to save on the expenses, have the companionship and hopefully have a bit more fun - in this case it was one guy and us two girls..... definitely positively there was some fun to be had.
 Twisted Sister
Joined: 6/5/2007
Msg: 74
Moving in
Posted: 9/12/2009 10:47:47 AM
I've been reading this thread again and can't believe the short-sightedness of those who still believe that love conquers all. Still hung up on the fairy tale at our ages is a bit ridiculous, don't you think? Ah, the arrogance which stems from never having been left homeless and penniless. If you don't cover your assets (pun intended), some day you may end up a dime short to pay for that loaf of bread you need. People need money to buy sustenance for one's body and, unless you want to take government handouts, a certain amount of money is required to stay alive. The reason I am financially independent of any partner today is because I was smart enough not to throw caution to the winds for "love". It's a hell of a responsibility to place on your partner to expect them to look after you until you cack it , is it not?

People "move in" for various reasons, but the BIGGEST reason I've seen - is money (i.e. shared expenses). So don't be naive enough to say that l-o-v-e is the basis for the "move in" when that little calculator up in your brain is working overtime. One must also take heed of the old adage "familiarity breeds contempt". True personalities start coming to the fore the minute the last item is moved in. I'd say that honeymoon lasts about a month and then the nitpicking starts.

If you want to call me bitter and jaded then, by all means, fill yer boots. I'll still be nice and cozy when you're sitting on the sidewalk in the pouring rain with no money for a hotel room. Illusions sometimes die hard.
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 75
Moving in
Posted: 9/12/2009 12:56:02 PM
I don't think you are are sounding bitter or jaded....just realistic and pragmatic....I've been seeing this practically homeless guy for a couple of weeks now... nice guy.... this is festival time, seems like every town has some kind of little art show or craft show or festival going on..... i'm a cheap date and we keep it to stuff he isn't going to feel uncomfortable about because he has no job...he is losing his house at the end of September..... so we walk around, we take rides, we go to readings, free concerts, go down to the shore, go up to the mountains, go to the library and get a DVD, whatever.... but it's only been two weeks....

there is a part of me that is already waiting to be asked for him to move in with me.... I'm actually dreading it...not that I wouldn't let someone stay for a few weeks, but I think it is still too soon to just carte blanche let this almost total stranger move in and yeah, call me untrusting and paranoid, but I don't think I'd do this guy a favor like that after knowing him only two weeks...heck, how you guys can have sex with people after two or three dates still amazes me... I can't even cross the line of my apprehensions over doing a kindness for someone who is on track right now to being potentially a great friend, if not, down the line a few months.... a lover? I dunno..... and this might be the deal breaker for our continuing the am I untrusting and paranoid or again, like I see twisted sister, not twisted and bitter, but am I being pragmatic and realistic???
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 76
Moving in
Posted: 9/12/2009 1:15:23 PM

People "move in" for various reasons, but the BIGGEST reason I've seen - is money (i.e. shared expenses).

Now that is a scary thought. I certainly would not consider moving in with someone that was not financially stable and fully able to support himself in a comfortable manner.

 Runs With Wolves
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 78
Moving in
Posted: 9/12/2009 2:51:41 PM

By the time most of use reach the magic age of "over 45" we pretty much have our own home and space and way of life. What would make someone of our age group leave our homes and move in with someone else. I personally can't see myself giving up my large home to move into someone elses. I'm curious to why anyone would move out of their place to live with someone else. Ladies? Guys?

Security in all aspects of the word! With reference to love and how it is personified…if that makes sense.

I was in collaboration with someone that made it clear that before the relationship was to become serious as in moving in together that I was to know his home would be going to his after his death. It wasn’t the question of what he projected to me but the inconsistencies that came about as a result of our planning our lives together.

My thinking, if I was moving in with him, I would be sacrificing my home and what I have become accustomed to; I would also be sacrificing the freedom of design in my new home as well as what involvement and limits I would have as to expenditures while living there, which I assume would be inevitable; would only be existing in the new living arrangement without expressing a huge part of myself (pole dancing – kidding).

At the same time, when and if he dies before me, I would pick up my belongings and move out. Ummmm…there is something wrong with this picture…lol I found no joy of the thought of moving in with him and did not speak of the imbalance. I am sure I put only a part of me into this relationship, as a result, I did not work at keeping the relationship strong and found it easy to let go. It eventually ended.

The reality? I think it would be extremely difficult to make drastic moves at my age without knowing what resources you will be left with in the end, especially if you as a partner sacrifice much of your security to be left with nothing.

I agree with SunnyTexas, I would rather have a prenup even if it’s living together.

Never again will I live with a man in a house he built. It wasn't pleasant making a home, working hard on decorating and improvements, cleaning and caring for home for 22 years, then having to leave it, cuz the law said so. It was just too devastating, even though I was paid for my half of it. I couldn't endure it again. I'll know better next go 'round.

I’ve had experiences where I had given 150% financially in relationships with the belief the relationship was a happily ever after scenario. Never again! lol


I am really in shock with the answers here....I love being with someone, the soft touches as they go by...going to the grocery store and finding something you know they will love, if one person gets up they just know if the other one wants a drink without having to asking. Having them walk thru the door and it was a line to met them, the kids, the pets and then I would get the biggest kiss...he said no matter what kind of day he had having that many in line to tell him hello when he got home was priceless! The spooning in bed at night, the cuddling on the sofa during a movie, the nonstop foreplay where heated looks turn you on as much as a touch. I guess some of us where meant to share lives and others live alone. Maybe POF need to have this as a category...LTR with separate housing?

I agree, there needs o be another category….

Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 79
Moving in
Posted: 9/12/2009 3:19:52 PM

there is a part of me that is already waiting to be asked for him to move in with me.... I'm actually dreading it...not that I wouldn't let someone stay for a few weeks, but I think it is still too soon to just carte blanche let this almost total stranger move in and yeah, call me untrusting and paranoid, but I don't think I'd do this guy a favor like that after knowing him only two weeks.

Burpie I do think this will be the deal breaker for you. He is already unloading his problems on you after knowing him for just 2 weeks? I would get my roller skates on now!!

Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 80
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Moving in
Posted: 9/12/2009 5:04:36 PM
burpie: "a lover? I dunno..... and this might be the deal breaker for our continuing the am I untrusting and paranoid or"

that can be so hard, if it's someone you like and have a lot in common with...

but if the radar has gone up, and it sure sounds like it has, i'd say listen to that inner voice...

if it's meant to be, it might be after he's back on his feet? edges of worry and and even of resentment, seem already to be creeping into your post...
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 81
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Posted: 9/12/2009 7:02:15 PM
I've been on all three sides: 1) our new apartment, 2) I moved in with him, 3) he moved in with me. The living arrangements were never the problem. The first I won't go into, it was bad enough I'd rather not think about it. The second, he decided it was time to move on, but he moved out and left me in his house - he'd have given me his half of it, if I'd wanted to take out a loan to pay off his ex wife's half. The third, well, that ended with him being sick and dying, and us losing the house because of an inept realtor.

Now. I'm not in love with my house, though I hold the mortgage, and I'd have no problem moving in with someone. BUT - all the houses I've seen lovely photos of just waiting for the one and only, are so full and finished and decorated, there's no room for anyone else. I don't have much in the way of furniture I'd like to keep, but there are a few pieces, more for sentiment than value. And I do have stuff. Lots of stuff. Mementos, craft supplies, etc. And my animals. There has to be room to at least store it, and hopefully a spare bedroom that could become an office/crafts room.

Back again to my house. I wouldn't sell it, I'd rent or lease it. And at this point, I would have some kind of contract. My property, such as it is, is my children's inheritance.

With those caveats, I like living with someone, I like waking up next to someone, I like going to sleep with someone. I like having someone to give me an excuse to cook, and I like having someone cook for me sometimes. I like the daily humdrum of life with someone.

What I don't get is where all the intelligent, thoughtful, literate men who can actually write more than one coherent sentence at a time are hiding. Every single one I've come across either lives in a city [nope, can't do that even if I didn't have the animals] or so far away they might as well be on the moon. Wherever they are, they sure aren't around here.
Joined: 10/31/2009
Msg: 82
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Moving in
Posted: 1/1/2010 6:31:34 AM
In the time before we moved in together, we seemed to spend more time and energy taking care of two households and deciding which place we would go to that night, that it took away from our time together. Now, his son lives at his place, we live at what was mine, and we don't have to worry about maintaining two separate residences. (That energy is better spent in other pursuits!) We chose mine because 1) my place was bigger; 2) my elderly dad was next door; and 3) my son was still in and out while in college. Just seemed logical to us.

And it is WONDERFUL.
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