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 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 31
Dumped, devastated and don't know whyPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
You seem like a nice guy but come on. Can we be honest; its just another classic internet hook up; do you think this is her first rodeo? come on.

Why do people think they have this incredible magic when they meet someone online. Almost all people feel a connection because its a shallow one. Then they jump into bed and try to figure out if it will work. Thats dysfunctional I think.

I think its also on you too; I got the vibes just reading this post.

Look at it; EXTREMELY long; expecting people to read every word; high maintenance. You could have said the same thing with 1/3 of the words. She text you and you say,"where are my kisses". OMG. thats not romantic thats wimpy.

This is why you can't move so dang fast on the internet. You talk to someone a short time, screw them and play house for a couple of days, and then look at the train wreck. It happens all the time.

I dont get where people think they can know someone after chatting for a month on the internet. Slow down and smell the coffee.

You wax poetically like this is romeo and juliet; if it was so amazing she wouldnt' have bolted. Again, GO SLOW. You moved way too fast. This is just another internet hookup.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 34
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History
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:20:33 AM
Three weeks is a pretty typical time frame to date someone and be initially interested, get to know someone a bit and then either see something that makes it look like things won't work out, or just not develop stronger feelings for someone. I don't think there's any big mystery (though something in particular could have bothered her about you, but if it's just a part of your personality, do you really want to know? Sometimes, I think these things are better left unsaid). I am surprised that you cut off contact so quickly after a text message that just said that there wasn't a spark. I like to have a conversation in person (or at least on the phone) to get some closure and say goodbye. It seems like a particularly abrupt ending. No need to "play it cool." You can express emotion when someone breaks up with you. I think you are entitled to that. Maybe she wasn't even breaking up, but just telling you how she felt. Do you really have to block her?
 Pandora05
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 37
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:48:28 AM
Read your posting, it struck me that there was a little bit of a rush to have this great connection. I think it takes time to be honest. She did seem interested, from what you said, but perhaps it was moving a little too rapidly. First impressions are important, but lasting ones are going to make the relationship stick. It's hard because you liked her, and felt a really good connection. Yet, there is something not quite right about the situation, i.e. why did she suddenly become so distant. Was something said, or implied? Did you push her too much into what you had in mind, rather than her idea of what a relationship should be? You sound like a caring and very nice individual, and perhaps it just about putting it behind you and to keep on looking. I think potential relationships are like new clothes, we try them on and see if they fit, and if they are not what we want, well we take them back to the store. Harsh, but it seems to be the norm these days. Perhaps, she was trying you on, or it may be there is another person in the picture. Anyway, good luck and definitely move on.
 cooldude
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 38
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:00:32 AM

With all due respect, you just had a very sensible, intelligent MAN give you some really good advice and you immediately threw up this big defensive wall


Some of it was good advice, but when you start making condescending remarks people tend to get defensive, I know I would.



Look at it; EXTREMELY long; expecting people to read every word; high maintenance. You could have said the same thing with 1/3 of the words. She text you and you say,"where are my kisses". OMG. thats not romantic thats wimpy.


What does that have to do with anything?

When you say something like that, your not giving out good advice, you are making fun of him.

Anyway chock it up to lessons learned.
 cooldude
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 42
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:42:16 AM
Too bad some people don't read into it very well. I've had people tell me I said one thing when I actually said something quite different. Thanks for correcting us, even I didn't realize you did not say that.



So the guy decided to give it to him straight. We all need that sometimes when we're blinded by our own distorted version of events.


True, but to give it to him straight you have to get your facts straight first. Since we confirmed he misquoted him already.

There is a right way to do it and a wrong way to do it.

You should be supportive, not condescending. But still be truthful.
 cricket99999
Joined: 6/18/2008
Msg: 44
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:11:08 PM

You should be supportive, not condescending. But still be truthful.


It is easier to be supportive than to be truthful. But it's truthful advice that is most valuable. The posters offering the best advice walk a fine line, and it's a thankless job. It wasn't condescending, IMO, to say what was said. The point was that both parties seemed caught up in all these romantic magical moments. But it was like a house of cards, and when the wind changed direction it didn't hold up.
 MusicChef
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 49
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:02:35 AM
Dood... Listen man...: These dating sites, while nice to meet people if you have the charm to further to a real life meeting, pose a problem in a few serious ways:
1. With SOOOOO many options out there, women -and I do mean WOMEN ESPECIALLY because men are ALL OVER THEM- have tons of men to choose from. We are all options not commitments.
2. It also puts alot of the wrong people in the place to foster 24-72hr romances. That is to say that people want a shot of high intensity romance and when the 'vibe' goes away they have no intention of staying. SOOOO... BACK TO THE POF POND for another new fix.
3. Dood... You hit it. What's the problem? You had some great sex with no consequences and you got to walk out with your freedom! You got a great memory & a masterbation fantasy for a while anyway...? Mission accomplished!
4. Dewder, if she didn't feel you after a while and didn't appreciate your advances to become a couple & give it back to you then why would you want to invest more time and emotion into something that is not paying back for you? Love is just like business man in that:
A. It doesn't matter how much you love someone, if they don't give it back it's kind of like giving away free product. The product is 2 things Your love & your lifetime. 1 will take you time to find someone to give it too and the other can never be bought back again or made up -it's lost forever. There is no reliving lost time.
B. No matter how you love someone, if they are an phuk up and just constantly are in turmoil emotionally, financially, their kids are undisciplined havoc wreakers that she never does a thing about while you stand there in constant aggravation of watching her do the proverbial Downward Spiral I think maybe love is not enough in that situation and it's time to cut your losses and find a new business partner.
C. All of you need to let go of hope. You cannot base your happiness upon the deeds of others, for what is given can be taken away. Don't ever buy into 'love' love just enough to feel & make them feel wonderful. But, no one can complete you or make you feel whole. You have your own life to live & you were an independant sovergn being before you met them and fell inlove. Don't give up or modify your life. Don't expect anything from anyone. Give them just enough but keep more then they know you have. You will never again be feeling they way you do right now if you at least just try what I am saying.
 OhWhatsInaName
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 53
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/5/2008 11:38:38 AM
smff73 - "are you sad, hurt, even exasperated and hence need some better understanding here?"

I say this by way of example of a more natural (yet uncommon) way of being, living, speaking, and understanding our world, and in particular relationships, and ultimately I believe is a more direct and effective way of achieving total fulfillment. (see cnvc.org)

Its about becoming aware of and focusing on feelings and needs - everybody's feelings and needs, and getting out of 'figuring it out' - something I've done for way too long with negligible benefit. Its about getting out of our culture's dominant judgmental habit, even the most subtle kind like "he/she shouldn't have done...", or labeling her problem like," she has the commitment jitters', all of which just disconnects us from each other - the total opposite of what we all need. Its about taking full responsibility for all aspects of our being - kinda that Jungian self actualization thing. And its much more... yet it is child-like simplicity (the nvc method) suggests great wisdom.

Here's an nvc axiom that I hope may shed some light and inspiration:
' In all communications we are essentially saying only 1 of 2 basic things - either 1) Please, or 2) Thankyou'.

So when your date says "sorry, theres no spark and I'm devastated...", she's effectively saying, "Please help me, I'm feeling devastated because I'm not feeling the deep connection I had before and really need to understand..?" (Of course asking directly is a must to get clarity and build a meaningful connection.)

This reframing in terms of her feeling and needs, automatically enables me to realize its all about her pain, her stuff. And only she can take responsibility for her needs. Yet from there arises my natural need to help. Does that arise for you?

If it does, imagine the possibilities if you had a direct empathetic discussion with her about her feelings and needs. And its doing 'empathy' that counts.

And, I hope you also get the idea of staying out of 'figuring it out/ fixing it'. When you go there, your essentially taking responsibility for her stuff, and hence interfering with her other need for autonomy.. a big one. But you knew that, right?

The aim is to take full responsibility for all your own needs while at the same time being aware and seeking ways that fulfill both your needs and everyone else involved. Sales people know this as achieving the Win-Win. Sales people are also learning that a Win-Lose, ie I get my needs at the expense of someone else, always degenerates into a Lose-Lose...just another version of karma.

So "Can I get her back?" - well that will always be up to her and how she chooses to fulfill her needs. But imagine living and speaking in a way that is much more likely to get all your needs met. Isn't that the goal?

I've focused on her feeling and needs. The same method (nvc) works well for managing your own. My guess is that you have a need to contribute to her. So why not start the conversation by simply stating your feelings and needs on this, and asking for a discussion? But don't take my word on this. Check out the nvc way (cnvc.org).
 Jar61
Joined: 6/30/2006
Msg: 54
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:20:21 PM
Am I ever glad that I stumbled upon this Post. I think that EVERYONE has given great advice also.

Smff. I am in pretty much the exact same situation as you. I've dated lots of women over hte past 12 years and this one had "special" written ALL over it from the moment I saw her smile when we met for the first time. We dated for two months ,had a great night one sunday, I sent her a nice email the next morning (monday) which she didnt respond to. Tuesday I sent another one asking if she would like to get together wednesday or thursday. She finally reponded on wednesday and said she was tired and would be tired the next day. :( Sensing something was wrong, I called her on Thursday and got the "I need a break speech", but said she was not dumping me. This was over two weeks ago. We swapped a couple of emails last week but nothing major. I did ask her if I could see her before shen went to columbia for 5 weeks. I was pretty much told that she would be to busy.

I don't remember if your post said how long the girl had been out of her previous relationship? The girl I am with had been divorced for a year but I was the first person she went out with. I believe (AM HOPING and PRAYING) that she got scared and it can be salvaged.

She told me early on that she didn't think she could meet the perfect guy the first time and that she was scared of making a mistake. (i've told her the whole time that I understood that if she met other people, as long as I was in the game, I figured my personality and traits would win out (certanily not my looks) Chuckle chuckle :)

I do think that when some people get scared that their internal "Fight or Flight" mechanisms kick in and some Run and some stay and fight so to speak.

In one of last emails I got, she said that I liked her to much and she told me not to. :( I can't imagine a woman complaining that a guy liked her to much.

I say since you like her, then GO for it (although try to do it with the least amount of pressure as you can). But definitely let her know that you have not gone anywhere. I am Mailing some bubble bath and lotion and a beattles CD tommorrow. HOPING it will give her something to think about in Colombia. This will be my last attempt though. If nothing positive comes of it, I'll be giving up and moving on to a woman who appreciates my attention and affection.

I Hope this thread keeps going. LOTS of good information in here.

Sorry that this was so Long ALL.
 Jar61
Joined: 6/30/2006
Msg: 56
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 8/5/2008 1:20:21 PM
I say, since you like her and liked her a lot, you should respond and just see what happens. Maybe she realized she made a mistake and is just trying to get her foot back in the door by feeling you out a little bit.

I had a woman basicaly dump me one day, then the next send me a text saying she thinks she made a mistake and could we talk. Of course, I got dumped again about a month later. :)

You said you felt something wtih this girl that you haven't felt before. You should give it a chance. I believe that she might have just gotten scared and bolted and has now had time to sort things out in her mind.

I've been praying for a little "hey you" email. .
 missgenie
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 68
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 8/5/2008 5:50:28 PM
maybe she is sorry and wants to make up...we all say foolish things from time to time that later we regret... take the high road and unblock her, at least for a conversation or two and see what happens.
 Jar61
Joined: 6/30/2006
Msg: 69
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 8/5/2008 5:59:01 PM
Sorry about your deal Blondechef.

Sounds like a lot of us are in this same predicament. He says he wants to be friends, so I would try to just leave it in his court. Hopefully he will clear his head, realize what a great catch you are and you can get back on tract.

How long has it been since youve heard from him?
 lil red corvette
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 71
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History
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 8/5/2008 6:18:23 PM
Apologies , if it sounds rough... but welcome to reality.
You felt a wonderful connection.
Obviously she did not.
She played along .... even sleeping with you... which says a lot about her lack of character.
Here's a great definition of Life .. " It's what happens while we are busy making other plans"
Get over it.. move on.... You won't get her back ... simply because you never had her .

Next time... try to realize that great sex ... soon in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that you actually "have" a relationship.
 princej3822
Joined: 11/18/2006
Msg: 72
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History
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 8/5/2008 6:19:31 PM
You seem like a great guy...the type women always by pass until they realize they have been wasting time on dead end relationships. I don't think you will find problems finding someone who appreciates you. Biggest thing is don't enter your next relationship with any hard feelings, keep your cool and be yourself. Karma is a nice thing, do well by the next girl who chersihes you and this one that broke your heart will quickly fade. Above all, keep your dignity and even if she is trying to make peace, don't jump into anything too fast. If you respect yoursefl, you will attract people who are of high calibre. Keep fishing and until you are in a committed relationship, always keep your options open by going out with other people.....doesn't mean you have to make out with each of them. Good luck!
 Race25
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 77
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History
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:00:56 AM
Could it be your poor language skills?
 whatsallthis
Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 79
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:30:18 AM
I have often in life met women and thought we clocked just fine only to have them turn cold on me. I feel your pain, buddy.
 whatsallthis
Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 80
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:30:41 AM
I have often in life met women and thought we clocked just fine only to have them turn cold on me. I feel your pain, buddy. I have almost completely lost hope.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 84
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 9/13/2008 11:40:13 AM
This kind of sorry is just sad.

The OP seems to be a nice young man - and she seems to be a nice young lady.

It is just sad.
 smileee4u
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 86
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 9/13/2008 8:33:02 PM
The candle that burns the brightest, burns out the quickest. She is disappointed that she has a new found F**U**C**K Buddy. She did not intend on this relationship getting started so fast on the wrong foot She was taken away from the romance and fling thing, and now she feels there is a "settling down" into the slavery of belonging to a man, who has little intention of commitment. In essence, she has acted like a S*L*U*T, and she getting the royal treatment as such. She does not like this. What is her role now that she has gotten into this mess of a free F*U*C*K.... and you will expect her to give out all the time! This is every woman's nightmare. Now she is stuck in trying to figure out where all of this is going.! You don't even know each other. You haven't really had a long-term attraction that will last. There is no substance here. Too bad you jumped her bones so soon. Sex always changes the entire equation.
 repair-guy
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 88
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:28:39 PM
Don't you get it OP, she said there's no sparks because your a fireman,
you put the fire out.
Maybe I'm missing something here, but after reading your posts it's obvious to me that there is no foundation to this relationship you speak of.
If it was a blaze - it was arson, and you were playing with the matches.
You went from great looking couple to 'no spark' because you rushed in.
Do you approach fire-fighting in that manner? Run right in to a burning building, hose in hand?
Or do you consider if the building can support your intentions?
What were your intentions anyway... didn't you have a good time?
Can't have your cake and eat it too.
 Sceves
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 95
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 9/14/2008 11:13:35 PM
No you can't have her back. She has something going on with someone else or other guys. Listen, girls always have a plethora of guys in the waiting to get with them. They get all this attention and it makes them very arrogant and they feel they can get away with anything therefore the coldness. Just let it go and find some other girl.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 99
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History
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 11/29/2008 7:22:04 AM
I think maybe she suddenly had doubts and totally backed off. She reacted quite definitely, saying there's no spark, but you felt there was and she seemed to behave as if there was. No wonder you are confused. I think she's probably given herself time to reflect but in a rather clumsy way. I suspect she is interested but thinks you are more interested and then panicked at how involved she thought you were getting. You could try keeping cool, keeping a little distance between you and then seeing how things pan out. I think she needs to know you have self control and aren't going to freak out and start pressuring her. It sounds like you've shown that already instinctively. It doesn't sound to me like you want to give up on her yet, but I'd still be wary if you get talking to her again in case this is a pattern for her - making approaches and then backing off dramatically - it could get hurtful for you and you'd have to decide at some point if it's worth it.
 comforyou
Joined: 11/20/2008
Msg: 100
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 11/30/2008 7:06:55 AM
i think that you should keep the lines of communication open just test a hey once a month see if theres a response. dont push for a convo . let her. and if you do talk dont ask. let her feel comforrtable. maybe shes one of those people who likes her freedom and doesnt want to be pressured. i do think somthinig happened where she lost interest before your trip. maybe she met someone she thought she'd be interested in and realized later it was a no. ive had men do that to me and then try to come back later because they dont want to totally say no but, leave the may be still open. its takes 3 months to really think relationship thou. i really believe she may have felt you were becoming to clingy and she wanted to back off. again sometimes well will never know. if you want her, be a friend .be cool just a hey. nothing more.see what happens. if she cares she'll come back around dont chase her. she'll miss you. meantime keep busy and date . you may pine over her and lose out on someone really special . another women in your heart is a big turn off to another.
 That Handy Man
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 108
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 5/27/2010 8:03:13 PM
Too bad, we rarely get any updates on threads like this.

People MUST learn to take things slow! Always counting their chickens before they hatch! Men seem to fall in love too damn quickly! Women on the other hand, seem more offended if you go to bed with them and leave them, but it's not love, or how men think of it! You need to get time in with a woman, before anything means anything.

Not only that, but men become blinded and STOP paying atttention to the signs that are usually there!

All too often, women are attracted to a man for specific reasons. Then they become involved and he quickly stops being that, which she was attracted to. Or, she just finds out, what he is really like and the attraction fades! At that point, nothing he can say or do, will change her feelings for him! The FACT that most men don;t have a clue as to what sparks and keeps attraction in women, certainly doesn't help!
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