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 veloise
Joined: 1/24/2008
Msg: 7
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Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
How long has he been single? If it's two minutes, of course he's still ramping down from the previous r'ship.

When I was in your shoes (with a guy who was only separated, ye gods!), I'd try to switch the topic, going gradually from his conversational tack towards a more general one. Finally I simply stated, "it bothers me when we keep talking about YourEx all the time." He replied, "but you're always talking about her!" Um, noooo...listening was another issue.

You could always try a more blatant approach.
Him: Myex yadda yadda.
You: How about them Tigers?

I agree, it's time to cut bait.
 bellazingara
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 11
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Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:58:37 AM
Hi OP,

I would be VERY careful about investing too much time in this guy as there are definitely unresolved issues there. It doesn't seem like he is ready to date again yet.

I started seeing a guy like this last summer. There were days when he didn't mention the ex at all and days when he talked about her every five minutes. He even brought her up the night I took him out for his 40th birthday which I found particularly annoying not to mention in very poor taste on his part. They broke up on good terms and kept in contact every few months which didn't bother me as I am also still friends with one of my ex's.

However, deep down I always felt he wasn't really over her (she left him when he thought they had a great thing going) even though he repeatedly said he was done with her and not interested in getting back together. He told me she had major issues and needed some serious therapy. Well wouldn't you know it the minute she calls and wants to discuss getting back together he goes running back to her. At that point he finally came clean and admitted he still had feelings for her. Basically, he was just killing time with me for nine months while he waited for her to get her issues resolved.

If this guy continues to disrespect your wishes to stop discussing the ex I would have a serious conversation with him to find out why. Something keeps triggering him to go back there.

Good luck!

H.A.
 clearandbright1
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 14
Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:14:47 AM
i dated a guy like this, he bad mouthed all of his exs, and when we broke up, he then bad mouthed me, he still does 2 years later.. When we were together he did realize it was a problem, and we would have code words,like " the needle is on the record" or ixsnay (sometimes trying to remember the code word to change the subject was enough to forget the talking about the ex.. )

One thing I did notice though, with his bad mouthing, was not that he wanted them back, but he did still have anger and dissapointment towards them and I felt that he was letting me know in a indirect way behaviours he felt were unexeptable and he wouldnt put up with..
 hearttwoheart
Joined: 12/11/2007
Msg: 15
Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:16:06 AM
Tell the idiot he owes you $5 bucks everytime he breaks the "talking about the ex still" rule. If that doesnt shut him up then kick him to the curb so he can talk about you all day and night to the next woman. Better, yet... cut him off and start talking about your ex's too. If he doesnt get it now, he never will. Got yourself a whinner.
 opnmydm
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 18
Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:49:37 AM
wow, just tell him, enough is enough, please stop this or i cannnot continue to see you any longer. move on already, lets start something new together..if he refusus, you have to walk away
 blue70
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 20
Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:05:51 AM
tell him you just want him as a fvck buddy- and NO TALKING!!

 veloise
Joined: 1/24/2008
Msg: 22
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Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:15:02 AM
Frau Blücher: It was, like, she became, like, aware of, like, every time she, like, said the word “like”.

Ooooh, hilarious. (Dare I say I really like this??) Will have to, like, try this on my, like, teenage nieces. Love the code word, too. "If it's not Scottish, it's CRAP!"
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 23
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Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:17:27 AM
The only way to deal with it, is to kick his butt to the curb. Sorry, but he's not over his ex. You're putting way too much effort into this, and you're probably hoping he'll change. He has to want to change his behavior. When you've told him time and time again, to quit talking about the ex, and he doesn't. He's the one with the problem. Time to let him go and start fishing again.
 veloise
Joined: 1/24/2008
Msg: 24
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Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:32:17 AM
^^Why, it sounds like Dr Joy Browne and "the one-year rule"!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 26
Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:45:03 AM

Thank you ALL so much, you are all so spot on with your advice and Im certainly taking it on board, you have given me much food for thought and now I will have more tools available to me in how to manage this. Thanks for your time


Girl, can you tell us some good reasons you are continuing to see this guy?

My personal feeling is that there are TONS of decent,even GREAT guys out there who've dealt with their "ex" issues, or at least have compartmentalized their previous relationship,and are making healthy progress in detaching. Why not find one of them?

That being said, if you know in your heart of hearts that this guy is very likely the love of your life, and you can deal with his "ex obsession" then by all means grit your teeth and hang in there!
But set some boundaries...you are NOT a psychiatrist, or a lawyer, or Ann Landers/Dear Abby, therefore the time you spend with him WILL BE spent in activities and conversations about something(anything!) that has nothing whatsoever to do with his "ex issues".

It does sound like he could do with some trained assistance with his unresolved anger and grief,and that much I would wholeheartedly advise you to encourage.
Cindy O
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 27
Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:50:52 AM
~OP~ I had the misfortune of a str with someone who was obsessed with putting his wife on a pedestal. Oh dear me ~ that ran it's course with me very quickly. "She is an amazing person" "she was a great wife" "she is the BEST mother" blah blah blah....why the hell aren't you still with her? This woman allowed him to cheat repeatedly (and yes she knew,) the house was a holy filthy mess, she was a mess and they routinely had knock-down-drag-out battles. WTF???? Finally, I just stated the obvious, "You need to go back to *****. This is over." And then it began ~ phone calls, texts, "but I love you" yada yada yada. I left and never ever once spoke to him again. It was the only time I have been with someone romantically and not remained friendly. It simply wore me out hearing about her constantly and it was pure bs. You deserve better ~ and it most likely won't get better! JMO
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 28
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Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:07:12 AM
Tell him you are not his therapist and unless he learns to keep his baggage to himself you are gone.
 STH III
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 31
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Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:20:34 PM
That would drive me crazy, dump him baby!!!!!!
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 33
Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/10/2008 12:15:40 PM
What are you doing staying in the relationship with him for this long??? He is dis-respecting you when he doesn't listen to you when you ask him to stop talking about his exes. You should of had to only tell him once to stop. Told him many times to stop and hasn't... so sad reality is he won't change. You dealt with this longer then should have.... just leave him cause you deserve better and clearly he has unresolved issues and isn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone right now... I would suggest to him if he doesn't want to remain single for the rest of his life that he shouldn't talk about his exes all the time...

I think eventually into a relationship it is ok to tell about your expierences with exes and why broke up but just a short version... only continue if he or she ask you questions about it.
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