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 blue70
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 50
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortlessPage 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Gawd, don't tell me I'm going to type this....they're work and sometimes need a little pushing- just like a fart!

 kenny1979
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 57
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Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/9/2008 10:01:02 PM
Relationships definitely take lots of effort and give and take, and sacrifices, they say you get what you put in, well I don't know how true that is because you can put in alot and not get nothing in return. but I do know that you will never get more than what you are willing to put in.........
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 59
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/10/2008 12:53:54 AM
Thats the reason he should shut down. Its easy to be by yourself but relationships take a lot of work.

Time doesn't just make things happen. Effort does. Anyone that says it should just fall in place is not willing to sacrifice anything of themselves to make it work.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 60
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/10/2008 1:42:50 AM
This is my first posting ever on POF, but here goes...

It would be my opinion, that there's some difference between the "getting to know someone" phase of relating, to the "dating exclusively" phase of relating to the..."we're in a relationship" phase and then... hopefully, followed by the "happily ever after" and then the last end "the not happy ever again" portion.

Each has it's own inherent issues, clearly or we wouldn't so many of us be 1. divorced and 2 single and 3. on an internet dating site.

For me, I don't believe that the dating relationship should require a great deal of effort or duress to maintain it. To me the dating relationship SHOULD in fact be easy and effortless.

If it isn't. I think that's a significant indicator that the likelihood of this altering and becoming a valued and cherished relationship in the end is slim or none.

I think it's entirely possible that people can successfully have lasting relationships with each other that ARE effortless.

I also think it's entirely necessary that once in a committed, long-term relationship both people acknowledge - life's not always going to be rosey and bliss filled. Work and effort will be mandatory from BOTH parties. Hopefully, they will love each other deeply and value their companion enough to choose to want to put forth the effort.

When we love someone we WANT and desire to do for them what makes them happy.

Would that this feeling did indeed remain through out all, on both parties count.
We wouldn't have many divorces nor unhappy children wondering where their Mommy or Daddy went.
 giggleparts
Joined: 10/23/2004
Msg: 62
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/10/2008 10:28:21 PM
::This is me, shrugging my shoulders::

the giggleparts - Living the dream... if the dream involved being hit in the face with a dirty sock full of irony.
 imsickofthegame
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 67
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/11/2008 10:19:44 AM
Everything takes effort. The best relationships are ones that find both partners happily MAKING the effort and not realizing it just because they care about each other.
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 68
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/11/2008 10:42:19 AM
I agree with alot of what people have been saying here. All kinds of relationships take some kind of effort. Yes, some things can just fall into place but once there have to work to keep it there. No such thing as a effortless relationship. If you don't know what you want or don't want in a relationship, let the person your dating from the start your unsure, so gives them a chance to prepare themselves if it doesn't work out. Even thought all relationships take effort to work but if it takes to much effort or its one sided, then neither accept it even though deserve better or leave the reltionship and move on.
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 73
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Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/13/2008 5:38:51 PM
I think there is flux in long term relationships... couples who have been married for a long time report that sometimes it is hard and difficult you feel that you are trudging uphill and carrying your partner at that!!! Then at times you coast.. and relax.. and enjoy the journey.

I believe it is unrealistic to not expect conflict in a marriage.. even a close friendship has conflict from time to time.. after all you are melding two sepearate invidivudals into one in a marriage.. that in itself is cause for conflict.

But it is in learning how to work together.. love in spite of the hardships.. and perserverance that our characters are developed and we are transformed along this journey.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 79
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 9:59:20 AM

I'll bet you have to look "foreplay" up in the dictionary!!


Why would I even bother spending time looking it up? Who cares?


you're a pig!!


Thanks, but name calling is one of those no-nos in the fora.

And, WHAT exactly did I say that caused such a vitriolic attack?



 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 80
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Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 10:36:03 AM
Wow....how amazing to just happen to look here and see a quote of mine from my good friend above......
I would like to add, as that quote was from last year - regarding effort and effortlessness.....as in all things in life (and death perhaps), my thoughts these days are
balance is the key to everything.....
So there will be times that will seem effortless when things just flow and everyone flows in harmony.....
And then there will be times when it seems effort is required - perhaps to work through aspects of each person or the relationship itself when things are appearing not to flow, or when we are questioning ourselves or a part of lives, each other, etc.
I know of nothing in life that is effortless all the time, nor anything that takes effort all the time.....
I also think most of our perspective on the degree of effort or not we put into something has a great deal to do with our beliefs.....if we believe something is effortless, it usually is....and if we believe something will be hard work, it very often is.....
So balance and personal perspective and belief in each moment seem to be what tells me if something is taking effort, or not.
I am starting to think we have the choice in how we view something as we become more conscious - allowing for understanding there might be a gap between our actions and our realization and awareness about those actions, words, feelings, etc.
A couple more thoughts - (sorry this got so long)....
Many compare relationships to a garden....flowers need water to grow (and sun and love).....
Well, perhaps it depends on if you consider watering your garden something that takes effort, or do you just do it joyfully and not think of it as work?
I guess it might come down to another question - do you believe love is effortless, or does it take effort for you to love and receive love?
Me - loving is not what takes effort - it's when I don't feel loving that seems to take time and extra care to understand...and more love.
 painter0070
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 81
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Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 10:46:31 AM
From my experience.....everything takes a little give and take.....
 Cogie36
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 83
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Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 4:24:27 PM
If relationships were so easy then none of us would have to ever work at finding the right person....and then you wouldnt have to put forth an effort to communicate, or appreciate each other or do things for each other.......right???? heck everything worth having in life takes work and thats not a bad thing it makes the prize that much more rewarding......and finding the right person is definitely a prize .....keeping them is the effort......
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 84
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Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 4:53:17 PM
(...enters thread laughing softly to self at how my good friend Capitano invariably gets 'em riled up)

The thing about threads like these, is they are revealing about people's attitudes to what is 'work' or 'energy'... because some interpret effort as hard work and others as energy and attention.

I do not believe relating with a compatible person requires work... by its nature, if you need to work at it that hard, you're not really very compatible. At the same time, as with all "labour's of love" you certainly aren't going to get very far down life's path if you are not fully invested in it... and that requires investing time and attention.

Being in a relationship with another holds a mirror up to show you who you are... and peeling away the onion skin layers of our psyche and becoming a better person also takes attention and energy.

I'm all for effort but not much interested in work.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 85
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 5:13:00 PM
I had a friendship, or so I thought where I put effort into it, but it was not a two way street. While he was outspoken, if things do not go right in his world, he becomes a mute to all of his friends.

Sorry, I cannot consider someone who will go months on end, not even looking or talking to his own friends about what is troubling him. I know now I did nothing to him and he is playing mute everytime I see him. He will not talk to me but about me (no I never had sex with mama's boy).

He was one sided anyway. I could not talk to any guy, but he had a right to talk to anyone he wanted cause he was not married to me. The last get together we all had as a group, he was laughing and flirting with a barmaid.

It did not sit well with him when I left with the rest of the group, including his best friend. No double standards for me.
 aliveone1
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 87
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Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 6:15:24 PM
I'm glad that you reminded me with your thread! I really should get off the computer now and try to pick up the house a little before my guy gets home from work. I really don't feel like it, and I'm sure that he would never complain if I didn't....but after all is almost only my stuff everywhere! LOL I'm such a slob! LOL I better go do something about that.... Adios!
 tkuchcik
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 88
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Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 6:17:40 PM
Relationships should be natural.

 Alittlebratty
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 89
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 8:46:35 PM
You get what you give.
 jm0405
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 91
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 2/3/2009 9:37:09 PM
Lack of work or effort in a relationship would be indicative of lack of desire and/or commitment. If someone didn't "work" on it - didn't work towards an "us" mode, I would question what his intentions are and would probably leave ASAP. One-sided relationships are no fun because the other half, in all high likelihood, left his "unworked side" open for adultery, stealing money out of the accounts, etc. His underlying agenda could be very destructive and simply, his lack of effort pretty much boils down to me being used, nothing less - nothing more. That's unattractive!
 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 93
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 2/3/2009 10:00:47 PM

Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless


I'm not sure it is an "either or" question, but I've noticed that good relationships seem to be effortless.

Relationship that require a lot of effort are usually not as pleasant for the obvious reason - they require a lot of effort. If a relationship feels like work, rather than play, there is something wrong.
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 96
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 3/16/2009 9:34:08 AM
Some things when comes to a relationship you just have to let fall into place but with all aspects of a relationship you need to make the effort to maintain it, to keep each other happy and what not... If you think a relationship takes no work then 1) no wonder your single or unhappy 2) that it eventually the relationship doesn't work out anymore.
 YearoftheCat
Joined: 9/26/2007
Msg: 98
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 3/16/2009 10:41:19 AM
Definitely takes effort. I think anyone who values relationships understands that. Even friendships and family relationships require effort.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 102
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Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 3/16/2009 3:16:02 PM
Everything worth doing, takes some effort. But if you enjoy it, it feels effortless.
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 3/20/2009 6:53:31 PM
I think that when two people experience a strong chemistry and they share the same values and want the same kind of relationship, the relationship comes to them very easily. After the relationship is started, then they must work at keeping the relationship they have. However, when both persons truly love each other, it's easy to show loving behavior towards them. I think that the loving behavior is what allows the happy life time relationships. I've seen people that have a strong chemistry and one or the other will slam on the brakes and not pursue the relationship. It appears that the one slamming on the brakes is afraid to love the other and it is doing both persons a great injustice as it could be the exact kind of relationship they are wanting.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 106
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 3/22/2009 1:26:37 AM
I believe the only work that needs to be done on a continuous basis is for each individual to work on themselves, happy people make happy couples..
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 107
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Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 3/22/2009 1:47:45 AM
this is an interesting and very opportune thread for me. i am having problems with communication of late. once the relationship issues are understood and the intent is made known, the question becomes are we back on the same page, is all forgiven (let go) and do we trust/ believe the other person's story or explanation of intent?

it doesn't matter if we think the same, but do we believe his/her intention, once explained to us. are we listening to the partner's feelings or projecting our own? if we can listen to and believe the other person, we can then explain our preferences or problems with the "way" the other person communicates and/or their choice of language.

the person on the receiving end of this request, in turn, needs to assess if s/he is capable or willing to address the other person's needs and chooses to better understand, rather than assume what is meant--agreeing to first "check in" with the person for clarification. if that's a" no go" or if there is no willingness to even attempt a compromise, then it becomes unenjoyable work. if a solution is reached, then the work was well worth it.

i would hope it would be smoother sailing from that point. unless we do not accept the intention or the story or, worse yet, that we don't like to let go of things. i'd rather be happy than right, but i'd rather to be understood eventually and once "language" is clarified.
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