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 grapevine
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 101
A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the painPage 8 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
Oh, another armchair psychologist. Wonderful. Well, I don't know where you see any pain in that post. But ...oh well. If you feel it justifies your opinion, have at it.

I didn't consider myself an alcoholic because I was not an alcoholic. I didn't fit the definition of an alcoholic. I simply came to a decision that drinking and smoking were unhealthy behaviors. As far as smoking goes, the ONLY time I smoked was when I drank . Granted, I smoked a lot, sometimes, when I drank. But the last thing I wanted to see the next morning (or any other time unless I was drinking) was a cigarette. Now, how many people with "addictive personalities" do you know who can control their nicotine cravings on a whim?

What I was trying to convey is that this whole labeling people is pure BULLSHIT and serves no useful purpose whatsover. Alchoholism itself is not a disease; it is a term coined to represent the group of diseases (or potential diseases) it can cause. A disease is not a character flaw. Alcoholism is not even a mental disorder. Alcohol can cause physical ailments and mental disorders, sure. I was never affected physically or mentally by drinking, in the classic way that alcoholics are affected. (Nothing wrong with my liver, lungs or heart; my circulation is good, my blood pressure is perfect and is even on the low end of normal.)

And to appease your concern, I'll let you know that not only am I completely seeing the full picture I am, in fact, PAINTING the picture for you, but you refuse to see it. You're one of the "blind following the blind" who seeks to slap a label on people for life no matter what obstacles they have overcome -- and all without help from you or anyone else. It's like "How DARE you come up with a solution to this all by yourself!" No, you can't possibly be someone who once drank and who now no longer drinks; you have an "addictive" personality."

WTF??? WhatEVER. What the hell is an "addictive personality," anyway? LOL

I don't have to justify a damn thing to you or anyone else here. I was merely presenting a bold-faced point of view for you, that people don't have to accept the brainwashing bullshit propagated by AA ...a cult which only encourages people to continue drinking or to think that, even if they do stop, they're still always going to be "flawed," they're always going to be weak and, without them, you're doomed to destruction and eventual death.

What a load of absolute crap. And on top of that, post something blatantly insulting to me, then have the gall to state I have anger issues or am not a happy person.

Maybe the full picture is that you have an addictive personality yourself and are pissed as hell at me because I was able to overcome the adversities in my life, because I'm a VERY strong woman, and you aren't. Maybe you are weak of will and spirit. Just speculating, mind you. Maybe I'm full of crap. LOL.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 103
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 8/10/2008 10:15:20 PM
if you "plan" to help her, i suggest you go to al anon. this is not a way to start a relationship. if she had already sought help and was helping herself, that would be another story.

ps i see you have the aa debate going on. this is something that each person has to decide for themselves. 12 step says: take what you want and leave the rest. al anon has helped me tremendously. others, apparently "not". decide for yourself.
 gizmosellschickens
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 109
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:52:09 PM
Alcoholics that are violent mean one thing, Leave at all costs because it wont get better unless they are off the booze. Certian people can drink beer and alcohol each day and are fine, but others there genetic makeup tends to make them carve alcohol because of aniexty or emotional problems. Personally, experience with heavy drinkers they tend to have conginitive impairments that are similar to 70 year old in thier 30s and 40s because of heavy drinking.

One person I myself drove home was so mentally impaired could not figure out where he lived, and if the person had a bad mood swing; the alcoholics complex reasoning is imparied. Therfore, the primitive parts of the brain take over and that leads to emotional outbursts or possibly physical abuse. Heavy drinkers tend to think about getting the next drink instead of something more intellecutal talk about. Alcoholics are not bad people just they have addition that impairs them facing feelings all people have from time to time. A person that off alcohol will think a lot more rationally over time, and the warp presecptives will be indulged upon since the person has control of the rational part of the brain. Relationship with drinkers I just say leave them because it never gets better unless the person is completely dry of booze.
 GbBengi
Joined: 11/23/2007
Msg: 110
A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 8/11/2008 9:34:25 PM
I didnt read this whole thing, so if this has been covered, forgive me.

Define alcohol issues? She drinks it? Whats the issue? Does she go to bars, get into drunken fist fights, and hump every man that can walk straighter than her at that particular moment?

Does she get hammered and become abusive towards humans or animals? Or talk about hurting them?

Does she get hammered off of communion and laugh hysterically?

Does she use it as a relaxer and sleep aid because she is anti drug (including prescriptions?)

My question is why did half the people reading this get to the word alcohol and tell you to run? Guilty feelings about their own use maybe?
 kibro5
Joined: 8/28/2008
Msg: 115
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/8/2008 7:03:52 PM
Your kidding me right? All I hear are your excuses for her. She has a problem, she needs to WANT to seek help. There is no excuse for this disease except that this person chooses to let it beat them. Ever here of a co-depentent? Pick up a book and start reading if you are serious about a relationship with this person. Don't think you can fix her because you can't. Sorry.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 120
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/9/2008 10:16:18 AM
as someone who lived with an alcoholic, for over 7 years, i will warn you, untile she gets help, and some sober time, you will only ever be number two, it is a terrible terrible illness
chances are, she is the one that used and abused, oh, and one more thing, no matter how much you love her you can not help her, only she can help herself......
 Flowerrss
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 126
A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/9/2008 1:48:59 PM
You know by now it is a disease. The alcoholic is addicted to the alcohol, & their partner is addicted to them. You will lose years out of your life and pain. If you think she drank 3 or 4 days of the week, it was really 5 or 6 or 7. She'll hide precious booze around the place. She'll be a few steps ahead of you so she can do it.

An alcoholic might work on their problem if they hit their 'bottom'.....ie lose their job, lose their relationship, home or all. Some never do. My dad was alcoholic & caused much pain, my Alcoholic/cocaine sister died last Nov at 48 leaving 3 kids in their 20's & their pain, my brother lost it all a long time ago, he has his pain, still drinking. If I were in yr shoes I know I would be doing you both a favour by splitting. You need a sober girlfriend and she needs to hit bottom, dry out then go to A.A. & find Prof. Counselling. Do it as soon as possible. You are free to attend a al-anon meeting and/or A.A. Open meeting. Meet a few alcoholics who have sobered up by working the program. I worked the al-anon program at one time & am a co-dependant in recovery. Don't let her talk you our of it. Take care of yr life!
 PureLogic
Joined: 12/22/2007
Msg: 127
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/9/2008 2:10:30 PM
If she's not over her last relationship, then all the alcohol is doing is temporarily making her feel better. She has yet to address the real issue and try to actually GET OVER what is hurting her. She's just using alcohol as an ESCAPE rather than trying to fix what's wrong.

Does she trust YOU? You mentioned that her trust level is at an all-time low, so I'm wondering, are you two "talking" (in that way) or what?
 trevilady
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 145
A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/16/2008 3:53:40 AM
Do not go there. My last rel was with someone with addiction to alcohol. I fell in love with him and so hoped he would change. But he couldn't, he was not rready to, and people with addictions can only change when THEY are ready to, however much they love you. You will embark, perhaps, on years of hoping, disappointment, frustration, anger and ultimately wasted time, if you try to change this woman and 'help' her. Well, maybe it will be fine, and I hope whatever choice you make, whether to leave or stay, is the correct choice for you. But in my experience, being with an alcoholic was impossible. I could not be one of these martyr-type people who stay through it with them through thick and thin, who help them, who are the drinking buddy, who hope and pray it will stop, who try to get them to go to AA, who love them when they are sober and rage at them when they are blind drunk for 48 hours until it's over and you can have a day of doing something nice and normal til the drinking starts again....seriously, it is a nightmare illness and for anybody who just wants an equal, non-rescuing, mature and honest relationship, I say, stay away from anyone with addiction problems. I am nOT callous, far from it: I'm the first person to be compassionate to anyones' problems, hurts, pain etc. But I got completely brought down by the illness of alcoholism and I'd suggest to anyone that is a generous and compassionate person, to stay away from anyone with alcohol problems cos you will be brought down into their hell and the best help you can give them is to walk away, say:get some help, and when yr sober, I will be there for you. They use you as a crutch if you stay and 'help' them, you staying with them can in fact make the problem worse. Good luck, and look for the relationship you deserve and that will make you properly happy. x
 trevilady
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 146
A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/16/2008 3:59:47 AM
and ohhh yes, binge drinking is definitely alcoholism, my ex constantly tried to say, look, I only get drunk at the week ends, look how i can control my drinking..ok so it's ok to spend the entire 60 hours of the week end blind drunk is it?? that's controlling yr problem is it?! and spoiling yr partner's entire week end too? good grief...stay away from these selfish addicts, people, and get the life and partner you deserve xx
 Chester K
Joined: 9/13/2008
Msg: 151
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/16/2008 8:41:05 PM
If you think a potential partner has a substance abuse problem but they don’t the discussion is over. There’s nothing you can do about it. If they decide to seek help they can go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings or even a nice recovery facility called Maplegrove in West Bloomfield, MI.

If you’re on a rescue mission to help fix or change someone then you may also need help and those are called Al-Anon meetings.
I have 18 ½ years of sobriety; there are plenty of fish out there.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
 trevilady
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 153
A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/17/2008 4:26:21 AM
It's a shame, the person who asked the original question on this topic, does not have a profile any more! so all these wise words :) will have fallen on deaf ears for him...still, hopefully other people who are potentially embarking on a relationship with someone with alcoholism, will get help from the advice on here.

It's really heartening to read other peoples' experiences about being with someone with this illness. Such strength of character and love and hope, just shines out of peoples' stories. Even if a lot of us may have broken up with the alcoholic, I believe that the effort to help them, was not in vain. It takes a lot of belief and trust to try and hope that love will help change someone's addiction. But love can't change it, they have got to want to change for themselves, when they are ready, howver much they love you.

.I know now, Looking back, at my relationship with my ex, that it wasn't a waste of my time, those 3 years...there were plenty of good times too but ultimately like a former post said, he was having more of a love affair with the drink than with me so I got out. I have learnt that I deserve someone who will not take advantage of my overly giving nature, and also that I must love and rescue MYSELF, not someone else! Only then will I find someone properly functional, and who is not addicted to anything. Best of luck to everyone out there who is grappling with such a challenging relationship. If it is wearing you out, mentally and physically, then it is not healthy, you must get out. Let the person go, with love, and wish them well. You never know, they may come back to you, after really quitting the problem. But if you don't get back with them, you will have some good memories, and make the space in your life to attract someone who will not drain and exhaust you with this illness. You want a girlfriend/boyfriend, not a child who needs looking after, a patient who needs caring for.x
 Janie579
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 157
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/17/2008 1:27:53 PM
I was in a 4 year relationship with a man who had a drinking problem. After losing 2 jobs, money, and friends, he finally went to AA. By the time he finally found the help he needed, I was going insane myself an I went to Al-Anon. This is a support group for anyone that has someone in their life who;s drinking concerns them. If you want to try to build a relationship with this woman, I suggust you find a meeting in your area, there is help there. It won't be easy, but you have to decied if she is worth it. Take care of yourself.
 Deepgreeneyes04
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 166
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/18/2008 12:02:21 PM
Don't do it....it is not worth the financial or emotional pain that would come with the whole relationship...been there done that!
 dayahao
Joined: 9/7/2008
Msg: 167
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/18/2008 6:15:28 PM
........supposedly the way to forget a breakup...an alcoholic most always gives
themselves or others an reason(excuse) to why there drinking..oh I've had
a hard day,hey i work hard I deserve a drink,just a bit to help me sleep,oh it's the weekend...and I'm sure there will always be a reason if that persons an alcoholic.
A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/18/2008 6:19:25 PM
If your budget can not support a hooker now and then, a dysfunctional relationship may be your best option!
 trevilady
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 170
A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/19/2008 3:53:52 AM
heels, I really got a lot from your post, thank you. So well said and it really has helped me to see I went the right way in choosing to leave my drinking ex bf. This thread is so valuable. Thanks to all and good luck x
 iduj50
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 179
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/22/2008 7:01:28 PM
Believe me it is not worth it. Remember alcohol is a progressive disease and it only gets worse. Just about had my whole life ruined from a relationship of his alcohol abuse. I think it is the biggest sign of weakness especially if they don't get help.
 SapphirePoet
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 184
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/29/2008 12:08:34 PM
My father and ex-husband were both alcoholics.
It literally killed my father at 49. He died in my arms from a heart attack (from smoking and drinking heavily all his short life) when I was a mere 19 year old girl. Words cannot describe it.

My ex is sober and has not drank in 9 years. It can be done.
It took his own near death experience after we divorced to make him stop.

My Dad was the happy drunk and handed out cash.
My ex was the mean drunk and was verbally abusive.

Was it worth the pain?
For my Dad, YES!
For my ex, Never!
 phishkev
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 186
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/29/2008 1:30:16 PM
Alcohol is very touchy-each type brings unique problems-if it's liquor it's hard core, beer and such is a bit easier to tame...TALKING is essential...
 brownie360
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 189
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 9/29/2008 7:09:00 PM
Not worth it at all, having a alcohol problem is a automatic deal breaker for me. Excessive alcohol use is a MAJOR negative that will not mesh with anything positive as it is a MAJOR HEADACHE.
 mart new2this
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 190
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 11/20/2008 7:50:11 PM
Gary,
I know and understand how you feel. Was there myself and tried to help. Then thought I could somehow stop her. Was hurt and confused. My children were suffering and continued to suffer for many years. I had to let go in the end. My own health suffered. I eventually found Al Anon and I would recommend it to anyone looking for help and answers. But that little niggling guilt feeling is never far away. We divorced 5 years ago. We were married for 18 years and together 26yrs. It has all stopped now. I wont say why on here but I think you are right in what you say.

Martin
 INWITHTHENEW
Joined: 10/14/2008
Msg: 194
A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 11/22/2008 10:02:29 PM
I guess it would depend on how much you want to be with her/can tolerate. My dad was an alcoholic, and my mom knew it-she even bought him beer. My dad got to the point where he would miss days from work because he was hung over...my mom stayed with him. Then my mom's health started going down and she was diagnosed with a mental illness so gradually she needed more attention. Toward the end my dad not only stopped drinking but took an early retirement to stay home and take care of my mom. He loves her from life to beyond death. It just so happened that she picked "the right man" for her. Any other guy would have left her a long time ago. So it just depends on you it can be an uphill battle for naught. Or it can work. Are you willing to take that chance?
 originalstarfish
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 198
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A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 4/15/2009 6:31:56 AM
Get help and help the person if you want- but when there is Alcohol there are ALWAYS PROBLEMS-
Also ask yourself- is she using the past as and excuse- it could be that it is the way it is- and alcohlic!!!!!!! OPEN YOUR EYES- and really look at it- listen!
 TOMic bomb
Joined: 10/5/2008
Msg: 200
A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 4/26/2009 7:45:18 AM
there are a couple of addictions that they say never go away once your body had adhered to them. drinking, gambling, drugs and smoking come to mind.

it's a constant struggle for these folks and so i say if you can live without them find someone else.
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