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 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 162
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!Page 3 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
wondering, I think you've got a response that not only sees things from both, in fact all three peoples' perspectives (assuming the friend would still want to stay - but now it's all hypothetical anyway)..., but I love that in your common sense, you give a working solution to the situation too. well done!

...i would never let a close male friend stay at my place without my man being there too out of respect for him same as i expect him to never let a woman stay over unless i'm there...i do have trust issues so it be a deal or no deal with me.....no matter how close you are to your friend you man doersn't know him and if you care for him you will respect his wishes...don't let the friend stay there just chill with your friend in the day .

There is just one technicality, but T-A already made a suggestion to clear that part up - if it's important enough to her fiance', then perhaps he could try and swap those two nights he has to work around to be able to be with the others.

And, if for some reason he really can't, then I would suggest the OP arrange her friend's visit for when her fiance' is free too. The fact that she is suggesting this at this time is a little suspect in fact....but I don't want to complicate things any more. I'm just happy to hear something finally that really makes sense and shows respect for everybody.
 SomethingManly
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 163
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 2:36:10 PM

A man shouldn’t cow tail to her insecurities…she didn’t seem to have any did she? Or am I missing something… why do you insist on throwing things back at me that don’t exist… the question isn’t about her its about her boyfriend.


In the very first post she mentions that she would not like it if thing were reversed. So if HE is considered "insecure" for not being comfortable with it, then SHE is as well.

A lot of people seem to be taking the "man vs woman" approach here....but i see it more as "single vs not single".

She's not a single woman in university anymore....she's an engaged to be married woman who's trying to build a solid relationship. Is she free, of course, can she do what she wants, of course....but her choices are what make her relationship material or not.

Given a choice, i think most people would prefer not having this go on....even though some would tolerate it.

I didn't see the OP mention the fiancee telling her she can't have male friends anymore, or talk to guys, etc. What he said was "i don't feel comfortable with a dude sleeping over at your place".

I mean wtf? lol
 Wildman46
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 166
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 2:59:50 PM
"I didn't see where the Op mention the fiancees telling her she can't have male friends anymore, or talk to guys,etc. What he said was " I don't feel comfortable with a dude sleeping over at your house"."

Actually what he said was the Op was "Not allowed" to have this guy spend the weekend at her house. Even Ray Charles would see that as a red flag, and he is not only blind but also happens to be dead.

If these two people get married with all these issues, The marriage would have as much chance of success as i do of becoming King of England.

" And quite frankly why do you feel the need to have a "friend" visit anyway don't you have a boyfriend to spend time with"

Without a doubt one of the most rediculous statements i ever read here on pof( and there has been many). I wonder if the above poster truly read that statement before she hit the post button?.
 SomethingManly
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 170
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 3:48:22 PM
"not allowed" were her words in this forum i think....is this what HE really said? Based on the rest of her original message, i doubt those would be his exact words, but what do i know.

If he DID say those words, at most it's a bad choice of words to convey his feelings towards his new fiancee's ridiculous request.

She should not have asked him the question, she should have made alternative arrangements beforehand.
 flpr206
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 185
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/18/2008 12:03:53 AM
Come on people... isn't this a common sense issue? It isn't about trust or jealousy. It's about making good decisions that do NOT invite scrutiny or insecurity. Being engaged you should be building trust and confidence in your realationship. Married couples don't put themselves in questionable situations... atleast not the less than 50% who actually stay together!

If you and your bloke are that close, he wouldn't want to put you in an awkward spot with your fiance. Unless of course he is a creep artist waiting for the right opportunity to pounce!
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 187
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/18/2008 3:35:58 AM
I didn't read the entire thread, but couldn't your boyfriend offer up his couch for the guy? That way he doesn't have to feel uncomfortable with the guy being with you overnight, but then your friend still has a place to stay. If your boyfriend is just somewhat uncomfortable with the situation, and realizes it's about his insecurities, then this should not pose a problem, as this is a way that he can make up for it, and still feel that you are respecting his feelings. If he trusts your judgement enough, then a good friend of yours should be someone that could potentially be a good friend of his. And if you trust this friend, then he should be able to trust the guy at his place. If you suggest this, and he is unwilling to do this, then I would say he is being unreasonable. Also, be sure to include your boyfriend in any potential plans (invite him along even if you know he's going to busy). That will help him feel included, and that there is nothing to worry about.
 SomethingManly
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 195
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/18/2008 11:03:36 AM
If they are really good friend's, she shouldn't force him to sleep on the couch. Assuming she has a big enough bed, why make the dude get a back ache....if they are really only friends, there shouldn't be a problem right ;)
 SomethingManly
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 198
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/18/2008 10:49:49 PM
Lol...funny how nobody replied to my last post ;)

For those of you labeling this dude as insecure....how many of you would be comfortable with them sharing a bed? ....shouldn't be a problem if they truly are only friends!
 Barry446
Joined: 10/5/2007
Msg: 200
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/19/2008 1:27:48 AM
Hi Holly,

I do not normally reply to posts but the following may help you.

I was in the Royal Air Force for many years and have been well looked after by residents of various countries and never ever had the opportunity to repay their hospitality.

I befriended 2 spanish girls Julia & Ma Carmen who were over here, England, for an English course for 2 months or so I think it was, it was nearly 30 years ago! I took them all over the place and was invited to Madrid for 10 days with them as friends when they returned home, late 70's.

I have just returned, July 08, from Madrid after spending 8 days in Julias apartment, Julia was there and I slept in a spare room and was superbly hosted during my whole stay. It was in impromtu visit and was only confirmed 3 days before I flew out.

Julia has just met a great chap, Jose, and we all got along great. Trips around Madrid and to Avila for a very long day. My Spanish is abysmal and their English is quite good but we all communicated very well. Jose did not object at all. He knew I was an old (should not say that) friend and he accepted that.

He trusted Julia as he trusted me. I did ask Julia to be fully open with him before I went so as to avoid any possible clash but there was no need, we were all mature adults.

Introduce your fiancee to him. Go out for a drink together, perhaps even a meal. Trust is very important in a relationship and quite honestly if you have never given your fiancee any reason to doubt you before why should he now!

Ma Carmen is married with 2 children. I have been invited to go to Luxembourg to stay with them, her husband is fully aware of the circumstances and our long standing friendship.

Show your post and replies to your fiancee. It will show him your concern about your relationship but most importantly your long standing friendship with someone who is a good mate.

Never lose a good friend/friendship even if you have to fight for it. Real genuine friends a very very hard to find. When you lose one who you considered was, it can be very upsetting... I hope I have helped... Stand Firm....
 Alex.Brown
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 201
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/19/2008 2:14:24 AM
Hi. Relationships are always a constant wave of compromise- that's why they're not easy to maintain. People who feel that it's always my way or the highway are not giving you constructive advice about solving a boundaries issue with mutual respect, but on the other hand, if you and your partner are constantly at odds on what you both consider boundaries, you're probably going to have a really tough time as a couple. That's really the main reason people break up, other than boredom.
Picks and chooses your battles and let the rest be a peaceful time for your relationship. Since you say you would feel the same way if the situation were reversed, it seems pointless to pick this as a battle when your heart isn't really in it anyway. Someday, you will feel very passionate about another disagreement. It seems like that's something you'll want to pick as a battle, don't you think?
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 202
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/20/2008 9:24:31 PM

I think that this particular time you might consider either arranging somewhere else for your friend to stay or asking him to postpone the visit this time. You should avoid saying that your fiancé is uncomfortable with the idea of the visit occurring when he's not present because it makes your fiancé look bad


hey rune3. I think postponing the visit until the fiance can be home is a great idea. Or maybe the fiancee can take the first night as vacation time so he can spend some time getting to know his future wife's friend.

Nutt
 MSII
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 215
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 8/29/2008 11:58:59 PM
THIS is why he wont have it.
http://laddertheory.com/
Why are you wanting to do something that is offending and upsetting him?
Your male friend WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, I dont care if you throw yourself naked on him and he doesnt have sex with you, HE STILL WANTS TO.

From the site:
Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing...You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.

Sounds like you dont really care what he thinks, anyways...so why are you asking? Just do it. If this is something you need so badly, then dump your boyfriend and get someone who will accept it.

I was in a similar situation, but my friend who is a girl came from Japan, and she stayed with me for financial reasons (She was here 2 months, hotel would make that impossible)
I made activities with my girlfriend AND my friend. We had a great time. She even colored my JP friend's hair.
 zofromatl
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 244
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/2/2008 7:06:07 PM
This is a tricky question and I will be clear about the opinion.
The thoughts of your boyfriend should be considered and it is important not to create undo stress on the relationship.
Your friend would clearly come second and offer a hotel as an option (considering finances not issue) and notice his reaction.
You also stated that you WANT to see your friend. Could you meet him for lunch during the day?
The problems arise because we only know your side and we do not know the character of your friend. Read POSSIBLE scenario below.
You could allow the uni friend to stay at your house then you have a few drinks and he all of a sudden tells you how he has loved you and never been able to express it to you..LOL

I say it creates too many thoughts and could have a bad effect on too many things. its not worth it in my opinion.
 zofromatl
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 245
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/2/2008 7:09:06 PM
good point because the TRUE FRIENDS are always around long after the lovers are gone.
But a True Friend WOULD consider the trouble this could cause between his friend and lifes partner.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 246
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/3/2008 8:57:09 AM

But a True Friend WOULD consider the trouble this could cause between his friend and lifes partner.


That's what I thought too. A true friend would not do something that may put me in an awkward position. None of mine would.

And this is not even a matter of trust issue in the case of the OP. It is a matter of respect. If I had a fiancee, I would at the very least take her feelings into consideration and stay clear of anything that may upset her. Likewise, I would hope that she does the same for me.
 lil red corvette
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 253
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/4/2008 4:29:08 AM
"not allowed" ... first step in a slippery slope !
If you have friends and actually would be intimate with them .. you will.... (perhaps your fiance doesn't realize this)
If they are mates .... you are being told what you can and cannot do with your friends.

It all boils down to a question of "trust" ... and perhaps that other little issue of "control".
Years ago a best female friend met and started dating a fellow who actually told her that she and I were not "allowed" to communicate in any way for a year ( email, phone , etc) she didn't like this but conceded and agreed.
I have not heard from my friend in three years now... no idea if she is safe or happy...and the phone number has changed to an unlisted one.

I would suggest looking at "demands" like this one very closely.... it could be the opening salvo of a controling personality on your life as you know it !

I think a "talk " is in order with your guy .. make him understand that your friends are important to you and there is no reason for him to feel challenged.
If he doesn't understand .... let him go....

Good luck
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 265
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/4/2008 2:02:55 PM

So you've never told a boyfriend that he can't go to a strip club, go out drinking with his buddies, but something you didn't like, or do something else you didn't like? If so, you're the only woman I've ever known who hasn't. And "if you do we're through" counts as saying "you can't."


This is the mistake people make.... I don't tell my partners they CANT do something. I may express an opinion that I do not like certain behaviors (ie.coming home sh1tfaced or not letting me know you going to be late) but the last time I checked, we were both adults.

And as several posters have said: If you are gonna cheat, you will find a way. No amount of my attempting to control someone's behavior will alter that fact.
Bottom line is the OP's fiancee doesn't trust her.
And I've seen enough controlling behavior between couples to know that if she looks at the relationship, there are probably more signs of this type of control.

Relationships end, friends are forever.
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 279
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/5/2008 9:04:35 AM

If you have such a casual attitude towards relationships, rather than realizing that they require, you know, actual work and effort, then no wonder you think they "end".


Death, divorce, or otherwise, all relationships end, Arlo.
If I'm gonna cheat, I'm gonna cheat. Nothing my bf does will alter that.
When you are in a GOOD relationship, the work and effort boils down to "what nice thing can I do for my partner today?".

Once we, as a society begin to recognize that when we want to control someone's behavior, its NOT a good relationship, when we sacrifice pieces of who we are for "the good of the relationship", those pieces will surface later, and cause our partner to believe that "we've changed".

I have an AMAZING relationship, and it REALLY doesn't require that much "work". The "work" was finding the RIGHT man.

I have male friends, many of them, some as long as 20 year friendships (guys I served with) and NONE of those friendships threaten my relationship, in any way. And if my bf can't deal with those friendships, he's not the RIGHT guy for me.

Those friendships have outlasted ALL of my relationships. And I think the relationship I'm in will be my last. It was about making the right choice in a guy, finding the one that truly fits. I found him. It just took a while, and it took me having the ability to say "this isn't right for me" to a few people, and walking away.

Life is not a prison sentence, you don't get credit for time served.

sydneyleigh
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 282
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/5/2008 10:35:22 AM

Nobody likes a smart-@$$.

Why is that being a smarta$$, its TRUE.


Yeah... nice things like, asking your Significant Other about opposite sex-friends sleeping over BEFORE arranging it. That'd be "nice", doncha think?


if my friends come to visit and stay in my home before I'm in a relationship with someone, why on earth would I change my behavior after I'm in a relationship? Its MY house. If I wanted to be in a relationship with one of my friends, I'd be in it! And it will actually be a cold day in h#ll before I ASK my SO if ANYTHING is ok. We don't ask permission of each other. When the relationship is good on all levels, that sort of "control" doesn't even enter into the equation.

In fact, my SO informed me this morning that he will be taking a trip to Cancun in the spring with some business associates. He didn't ASK me, he simply told me. Because I don't have the RIGHT to say "you can't go". If he's going to step out, he doesn't need to go to Cancun to do it. Why would I get a say in how he spends his time, if our relationship is in no way altered? He has the right to spend time with whomever he chooses. I've already said, "That's a great time for me to go visit with my friends ". We trust that neither of us will do anything to damage what we have, and if we do well, it wasn't the right relationship, now, was it.

I just don't get where we have the right to b!tch about someone's choices just because we are in some sort of relationship. The OP's fiancee says "you can't do this", she resents him for it, oh, yeah, that's a GREAT way to start a marriage.
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 284
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/5/2008 12:22:31 PM

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHIN CEPT FRIENDS

and it says NOT SINGLE/NOT LOOKING

sheesh guys. my profile says something similar. (and until recently also continued with what I was looking for WHEN i was looking!)

give the girl a break on this one. its not HER fault some folks didn't read her ENTIRE profile.
 livinglife719
Joined: 7/2/2006
Msg: 285
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/5/2008 12:29:35 PM
these scenerios come up when your relationship is itself on shakey ground.... it looks like your boyfriend needs to feel more secure with you......work on that and visits from male friends won't matter
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 287
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/5/2008 1:41:22 PM
nope you won't see that post from me.
why?
its simple.

if he sleeps with another person without my knowledge, he doesn't want to be with me.
there's no whining involved.
it means he isn't the person he tells me he is, and I don't want to be with him unless he's the person he presents to me every day.

there are MANY signs someone might step out if they intend to do so.
we just have to pay attention, and address those issues before they reach a destructive point.
(mostly, "my partner is ignoring my needs" (emotional, physical or otherwise))

damn, amazing how it works when we treat each other as adults.
 Bobbe Magge
Joined: 9/1/2008
Msg: 293
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/6/2008 7:52:22 AM
AngelFire... I think I know why yer alone.
 SomethingManly
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 299
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/7/2008 6:47:06 PM
I ran this scenario by my mom the other day...for what it's worth, she said "stop exagerrating, that would never happen"....lol. I thought it was funny, but it goes to show how times have changed.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 304
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/8/2008 4:42:01 PM
Toots: no one said she needs to cut her male friends out of her life. The problem is that her boyfriend is uncomfortable with the male friend staying with her overnight. Don't exaggerate.

Nutt
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