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 SomethingManly
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 198
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!Page 9 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
Lol...funny how nobody replied to my last post ;)

For those of you labeling this dude as insecure....how many of you would be comfortable with them sharing a bed? ....shouldn't be a problem if they truly are only friends!
 Barry446
Joined: 10/5/2007
Msg: 200
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/19/2008 1:27:48 AM
Hi Holly,

I do not normally reply to posts but the following may help you.

I was in the Royal Air Force for many years and have been well looked after by residents of various countries and never ever had the opportunity to repay their hospitality.

I befriended 2 spanish girls Julia & Ma Carmen who were over here, England, for an English course for 2 months or so I think it was, it was nearly 30 years ago! I took them all over the place and was invited to Madrid for 10 days with them as friends when they returned home, late 70's.

I have just returned, July 08, from Madrid after spending 8 days in Julias apartment, Julia was there and I slept in a spare room and was superbly hosted during my whole stay. It was in impromtu visit and was only confirmed 3 days before I flew out.

Julia has just met a great chap, Jose, and we all got along great. Trips around Madrid and to Avila for a very long day. My Spanish is abysmal and their English is quite good but we all communicated very well. Jose did not object at all. He knew I was an old (should not say that) friend and he accepted that.

He trusted Julia as he trusted me. I did ask Julia to be fully open with him before I went so as to avoid any possible clash but there was no need, we were all mature adults.

Introduce your fiancee to him. Go out for a drink together, perhaps even a meal. Trust is very important in a relationship and quite honestly if you have never given your fiancee any reason to doubt you before why should he now!

Ma Carmen is married with 2 children. I have been invited to go to Luxembourg to stay with them, her husband is fully aware of the circumstances and our long standing friendship.

Show your post and replies to your fiancee. It will show him your concern about your relationship but most importantly your long standing friendship with someone who is a good mate.

Never lose a good friend/friendship even if you have to fight for it. Real genuine friends a very very hard to find. When you lose one who you considered was, it can be very upsetting... I hope I have helped... Stand Firm....
 Alex.Brown
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 201
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/19/2008 2:14:24 AM
Hi. Relationships are always a constant wave of compromise- that's why they're not easy to maintain. People who feel that it's always my way or the highway are not giving you constructive advice about solving a boundaries issue with mutual respect, but on the other hand, if you and your partner are constantly at odds on what you both consider boundaries, you're probably going to have a really tough time as a couple. That's really the main reason people break up, other than boredom.
Picks and chooses your battles and let the rest be a peaceful time for your relationship. Since you say you would feel the same way if the situation were reversed, it seems pointless to pick this as a battle when your heart isn't really in it anyway. Someday, you will feel very passionate about another disagreement. It seems like that's something you'll want to pick as a battle, don't you think?
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 202
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/20/2008 9:24:31 PM

I think that this particular time you might consider either arranging somewhere else for your friend to stay or asking him to postpone the visit this time. You should avoid saying that your fiancé is uncomfortable with the idea of the visit occurring when he's not present because it makes your fiancé look bad


hey rune3. I think postponing the visit until the fiance can be home is a great idea. Or maybe the fiancee can take the first night as vacation time so he can spend some time getting to know his future wife's friend.

Nutt
 MSII
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 215
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 8/29/2008 11:58:59 PM
THIS is why he wont have it.
http://laddertheory.com/
Why are you wanting to do something that is offending and upsetting him?
Your male friend WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, I dont care if you throw yourself naked on him and he doesnt have sex with you, HE STILL WANTS TO.

From the site:
Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing...You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.

Sounds like you dont really care what he thinks, anyways...so why are you asking? Just do it. If this is something you need so badly, then dump your boyfriend and get someone who will accept it.

I was in a similar situation, but my friend who is a girl came from Japan, and she stayed with me for financial reasons (She was here 2 months, hotel would make that impossible)
I made activities with my girlfriend AND my friend. We had a great time. She even colored my JP friend's hair.
 zofromatl
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 244
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/2/2008 7:06:07 PM
This is a tricky question and I will be clear about the opinion.
The thoughts of your boyfriend should be considered and it is important not to create undo stress on the relationship.
Your friend would clearly come second and offer a hotel as an option (considering finances not issue) and notice his reaction.
You also stated that you WANT to see your friend. Could you meet him for lunch during the day?
The problems arise because we only know your side and we do not know the character of your friend. Read POSSIBLE scenario below.
You could allow the uni friend to stay at your house then you have a few drinks and he all of a sudden tells you how he has loved you and never been able to express it to you..LOL

I say it creates too many thoughts and could have a bad effect on too many things. its not worth it in my opinion.
 zofromatl
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 245
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/2/2008 7:09:06 PM
good point because the TRUE FRIENDS are always around long after the lovers are gone.
But a True Friend WOULD consider the trouble this could cause between his friend and lifes partner.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 246
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/3/2008 8:57:09 AM

But a True Friend WOULD consider the trouble this could cause between his friend and lifes partner.


That's what I thought too. A true friend would not do something that may put me in an awkward position. None of mine would.

And this is not even a matter of trust issue in the case of the OP. It is a matter of respect. If I had a fiancee, I would at the very least take her feelings into consideration and stay clear of anything that may upset her. Likewise, I would hope that she does the same for me.
 lil red corvette
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 253
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/4/2008 4:29:08 AM
"not allowed" ... first step in a slippery slope !
If you have friends and actually would be intimate with them .. you will.... (perhaps your fiance doesn't realize this)
If they are mates .... you are being told what you can and cannot do with your friends.

It all boils down to a question of "trust" ... and perhaps that other little issue of "control".
Years ago a best female friend met and started dating a fellow who actually told her that she and I were not "allowed" to communicate in any way for a year ( email, phone , etc) she didn't like this but conceded and agreed.
I have not heard from my friend in three years now... no idea if she is safe or happy...and the phone number has changed to an unlisted one.

I would suggest looking at "demands" like this one very closely.... it could be the opening salvo of a controling personality on your life as you know it !

I think a "talk " is in order with your guy .. make him understand that your friends are important to you and there is no reason for him to feel challenged.
If he doesn't understand .... let him go....

Good luck
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 265
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/4/2008 2:02:55 PM

So you've never told a boyfriend that he can't go to a strip club, go out drinking with his buddies, but something you didn't like, or do something else you didn't like? If so, you're the only woman I've ever known who hasn't. And "if you do we're through" counts as saying "you can't."


This is the mistake people make.... I don't tell my partners they CANT do something. I may express an opinion that I do not like certain behaviors (ie.coming home sh1tfaced or not letting me know you going to be late) but the last time I checked, we were both adults.

And as several posters have said: If you are gonna cheat, you will find a way. No amount of my attempting to control someone's behavior will alter that fact.
Bottom line is the OP's fiancee doesn't trust her.
And I've seen enough controlling behavior between couples to know that if she looks at the relationship, there are probably more signs of this type of control.

Relationships end, friends are forever.
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 279
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/5/2008 9:04:35 AM

If you have such a casual attitude towards relationships, rather than realizing that they require, you know, actual work and effort, then no wonder you think they "end".


Death, divorce, or otherwise, all relationships end, Arlo.
If I'm gonna cheat, I'm gonna cheat. Nothing my bf does will alter that.
When you are in a GOOD relationship, the work and effort boils down to "what nice thing can I do for my partner today?".

Once we, as a society begin to recognize that when we want to control someone's behavior, its NOT a good relationship, when we sacrifice pieces of who we are for "the good of the relationship", those pieces will surface later, and cause our partner to believe that "we've changed".

I have an AMAZING relationship, and it REALLY doesn't require that much "work". The "work" was finding the RIGHT man.

I have male friends, many of them, some as long as 20 year friendships (guys I served with) and NONE of those friendships threaten my relationship, in any way. And if my bf can't deal with those friendships, he's not the RIGHT guy for me.

Those friendships have outlasted ALL of my relationships. And I think the relationship I'm in will be my last. It was about making the right choice in a guy, finding the one that truly fits. I found him. It just took a while, and it took me having the ability to say "this isn't right for me" to a few people, and walking away.

Life is not a prison sentence, you don't get credit for time served.

sydneyleigh
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 282
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/5/2008 10:35:22 AM

Nobody likes a smart-@$$.

Why is that being a smarta$$, its TRUE.


Yeah... nice things like, asking your Significant Other about opposite sex-friends sleeping over BEFORE arranging it. That'd be "nice", doncha think?


if my friends come to visit and stay in my home before I'm in a relationship with someone, why on earth would I change my behavior after I'm in a relationship? Its MY house. If I wanted to be in a relationship with one of my friends, I'd be in it! And it will actually be a cold day in h#ll before I ASK my SO if ANYTHING is ok. We don't ask permission of each other. When the relationship is good on all levels, that sort of "control" doesn't even enter into the equation.

In fact, my SO informed me this morning that he will be taking a trip to Cancun in the spring with some business associates. He didn't ASK me, he simply told me. Because I don't have the RIGHT to say "you can't go". If he's going to step out, he doesn't need to go to Cancun to do it. Why would I get a say in how he spends his time, if our relationship is in no way altered? He has the right to spend time with whomever he chooses. I've already said, "That's a great time for me to go visit with my friends ". We trust that neither of us will do anything to damage what we have, and if we do well, it wasn't the right relationship, now, was it.

I just don't get where we have the right to b!tch about someone's choices just because we are in some sort of relationship. The OP's fiancee says "you can't do this", she resents him for it, oh, yeah, that's a GREAT way to start a marriage.
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 284
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/5/2008 12:22:31 PM

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHIN CEPT FRIENDS

and it says NOT SINGLE/NOT LOOKING

sheesh guys. my profile says something similar. (and until recently also continued with what I was looking for WHEN i was looking!)

give the girl a break on this one. its not HER fault some folks didn't read her ENTIRE profile.
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 287
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/5/2008 1:41:22 PM
nope you won't see that post from me.
why?
its simple.

if he sleeps with another person without my knowledge, he doesn't want to be with me.
there's no whining involved.
it means he isn't the person he tells me he is, and I don't want to be with him unless he's the person he presents to me every day.

there are MANY signs someone might step out if they intend to do so.
we just have to pay attention, and address those issues before they reach a destructive point.
(mostly, "my partner is ignoring my needs" (emotional, physical or otherwise))

damn, amazing how it works when we treat each other as adults.
 Bobbe Magge
Joined: 9/1/2008
Msg: 293
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/6/2008 7:52:22 AM
AngelFire... I think I know why yer alone.
 SomethingManly
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 299
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/7/2008 6:47:06 PM
I ran this scenario by my mom the other day...for what it's worth, she said "stop exagerrating, that would never happen"....lol. I thought it was funny, but it goes to show how times have changed.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 304
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/8/2008 4:42:01 PM
Toots: no one said she needs to cut her male friends out of her life. The problem is that her boyfriend is uncomfortable with the male friend staying with her overnight. Don't exaggerate.

Nutt
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 307
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/9/2008 9:07:17 AM

There's a better way, ya know: she coulda asked her Significant Other BEFORE she went and committed this potentially relationship-ending boner. I know, I know, it chaps your hide that you'd actually have to (*yuck*) CONSIDER your SO's feelings before doing something, and CONSULT with him, but that's how ADULTS handle relationships, you see.


Again with the asking. Would she also be "asking" the SO if a female friend "could" stay over? What if she's actually bisexual, and hasn't told her fiancee yet? Or, maybe her friend is bringing HIS girlfriend and they are planning a threesome.

What you seem to be missing is that its apparently okay for them to spend CONSCIOUS moments together, but they can't be in the same building during UNCONSCIOUS moments. Um..... if they were gonna have sex, they could do that at his hotel, in the car, in her living room at lunchtime..... they aren't sharing a bed, he's crashing on the couch.



Jealousy is perfectly natural and it shows he is scared to lose you.

Jealousy is insecurity about your place in a relationship. He's not sure if the relationship is going to work, and he's holding on for dear life - afraid to just let it BE.

I'd hazard a guess that in this particular couple, I think she said he's 25? He captured his girl (who, lets face it, probably isn't ready to settle down and make babies - who IS at 19??) and proposed to her not long after they started dating, mostly in an effort to keep her from dating anyone else. Jealousy is about wanting to control a situation you don't have control over.

She's 19. If they do marry, I'd say it'll be a starter marriage.

My bf has no jealousy, and neither do I. Because we know how we feel about each other, and we are confident in our relationship. He has female friends, I have male friends. My bf and I communicate with each other, so there is no reason to "wonder" what "might" happen. But I think you have to get to a particular place in your life experience and in your relationships to be able to handle conflict/questions/ concerns as an adult.

I've been jealous, I've been cheated on, and I've cheated. I know where those emotions come from, and I know that in each scenario those things happened because there were problems in the relationship that weren't being addressed.

And in all my years, with all my male friends nothing has EVER happened between us when we spent time together. Why? because they are my friends, and we respect each other.

My female friends.... that's another story.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 308
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/9/2008 9:33:55 AM
sydney, I don't believe this has anything to do with jealousy. It's about appropriate behaviour, boundaries, courtesy and respect.

The boyfriend has certain expectations of how he expects his fiancee to behave. The woman has the same expectations of her fiancee, but believes she shouldn't have to follow those expectations herself (she admitted she wouldn't want him having a woman staying with him)--lack of courtesy and respect for her partner.

Finding an alternative solution rather than just saying he doesn't want the friend to stay with his fiancee would be a courteous and respectful behaviour on the man's part and the woman's part.



Nutt
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 311
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/9/2008 10:06:18 AM

You think the ONLY reason he may not like the situation is because he thinks she'll sleep around?


What other reason would there be? Otherwise, a friend is a friend, no matter the gender.
Does he dictate whether a female friend can stay over?


Let's see, in your post you say you've cheated... Yet you respect your friends...
So to me that means you put your friends above your SO... exactly the same thing as the OP has done...


Yes, in that situation, I suppose I DID rank my "SO" lower than my friends. Dude, gotta tell ya, sometimes, sh!t happens. I'm not PROUD of the fact, but it is what it is, and I CAN see other side of the "cheating" issue more clearly. However, the two types of relationships are not "respect synonymous". Relationships are complicated. And I've grown a hell of a lot in 20 years.

His deal is about CONTROL. Unfounded fear.
If she's gonna snog her friend, its gonna happen, whether he camps on the couch or not.
Jealousy just drives people to do the crap you don't want them to.
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 315
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/12/2008 8:06:31 AM

If he has to explain it to his friends (you know, those things that are SO IMPORTANT to some of you gals, that you'll advocate putting them BEFORE a fiancé), they'll snicker and make whipping noises/whining puppy noises. Parental disapproval. Maybe he's just the sort who, crazy fool he, thinks it's not a Good Thing for an ENGAGED girl to be doing. Maybe to him it just looks trashy and low-class, and that reflects on him.


wow. now we have the truth.
a man's "image" is so important that it justifies controlling and jealous behavior in a relationship.

wow. thanks erik.
enlightening.

(so glad I date an adult)
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 317
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/15/2008 12:01:03 PM
I'm curious how one person doing as they choose is controlling and manipulative?
She's not controlling his behavior, and as far as I can tell, she's concerned with his opinion.

I think the question is SHOULD she be concerned with his behavior, and I say she should, but from the viewpoint that he's telling her to NOT do something, simply because he doesn't like it.

We all have the ability to make choices. She can choose to have her friend stay with her, and he can choose to be pissy about it. But to not have her friend stay over because he thinks something MIGHT happen is guilt until innocence is proven, and that is not the behavior of an ADULT relationship. He can get glad in the same pants he got mad in.

And as an aside, if you think my partner is "whipped" because we do not interfere with each others decisions unless they materially affect the relationship, I'd suggest a look in the mirror at your own controlling behaviors.
 SomethingManly
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 318
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 9/15/2008 1:02:06 PM
And yes if it was the other way around i dont think i would be too happy which is why i do understand what he means.


Quoted from the original post...

Treat others as you'd like to be treated.
 edmonfella
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 325
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 12/4/2008 7:49:24 PM

This thread reminds me of an adage passed on to me by my older brother: never put yourself in a situation where your sense of well-being is dependent on someone else's integrity level being the same as yours. Trust IS important - but so is discernment. Like another poster said, all it takes is a moment for even the most morally high grounded person to slip up - so why even court such a moment?

Honestly, the original post smells a little funny to me. The poster KNOWS why allowing her male (presumably heterosexual) friend to stay with her is inappropriate, and she knows she can hang out with him just as easily if he stayed at a hotel...so what's motivating her to still want to have him stay with her? That's the elephant in the room.


Best post yet... and by a very good looking woman...
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 328
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 12/5/2008 1:03:24 PM

Ooh, so quick to judge. I wonder what you would be saying if it was YOUR BF.


Actually, I'd say... have fun. Why don't we all meet for drinks tonight?
Because really, if I can't trust him, why am I with him again?

Being jealous means I'm not secure in my place in the relationship, and that's an issue he and I need to address. His friend has diddly-squat to do with it.

sydney
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