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 callwilliam2
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 101
Monogomy is it important anymore?Page 5 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
Monogony, or monogamy? Whats monogomy?


Monogamy is the practice or condition of being married to only one person at a time.
In Zoology, monogamy means the condition of having only one mate.

Monogyny is the practice or condition of having only one wife at a time. Polygamy, on the other hand, is the condition or practice of having more than one spouse at one time. In Zoology, polygamy refers to a mating pattern in which a single individual mates with more than one individual of the opposite sex.

A common complaint with a lot of women (and men) is that each gender engages in "animal behavior".

It might be a good idea to take your potential SO to the zoo and say: You see that male chimp doing each of those twelve female chimps in a two hour period? That is not what I'm looking for in this relationship, and that is how that chimp became a chump.
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 102
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 1:08:19 PM
I'm only wired for monogamy. I can't be in an open relationship... I don't share well.
 outofthedesert
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 103
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 5:59:52 PM
The man in my life is Greek. Eros, mono and gamos fit highly into the equation.
 o76923
Joined: 11/3/2007
Msg: 104
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 10:21:25 PM
I just want to throw out real quickly that the social psych community chuckles a little on the inside when we hear about monogamy. Over 50% of individuals will cheat at least once over the course of their lifetime. Further, humans are not actually considered monogamous as a race, we're serially monogamous. Even the OP doesn't appear to be advocating actual monogamy. And at the current state of the human race, serial monogamy seems to be generally beneficial once we actually cross a certain line in the relationship, prior to that level of commitment, polygamy is actually benefitial. Namely, it's good to date lots of people, even if it sometimes means more than one at a time, but once you get to marriage land, being "faithful" is to your benefit.

And stability in relationships is actually based primarily on a single factor that is deceptively simple. It's whether or not our best alternative is better than our expectations. Even if we are happy in our current relationship, it's unstable if we see another alternative that is better than what we want in a relationship. It seems our brain is acutely aware that happiness in a relationship erodes over time. However, we are also terrible at applying this concept so what ends up happening is frequently a person will compare their current relationship in six months to how the new relationship would be in 2 weeks. Fortunately, if we are in a happy and stable relationship, we generally don't leave for a potential good relationship (unless its significantly better and we have some assurance it will stay that way).

All that being said though, sexual fidelity actually isn't part of the relationship model I just explained. Sexual fidelity is actually less necessary than alot of people would think. Always has been actually. It isn't so much a "media has made it cool" thing as it is a "media talks about it now" thing. What used to be hidden behind closed doors is now a perfectly acceptable topic of conversation. There's always been peer and societal pressure to "grow up" through sexual conquest and to prove dominance the same way. We just stopped hiding it. More interesting, in my opinion, is that the reaction has become so negative recently. 50 years ago if John was sleeping with the neighbor's wife, it turned into glaring at them in church and gossiping in the grocery store. Now it can lead to outright ostracizing in the community. So another way to look at it would be to ask "Why does the media care more?" and "Why is it a bad thing now?"

Although I should clarify right now that social psych doesn't say sexual monogamy is a bad thing. Nor does it say it isn't. It's not about judgment it's about helping people cope and figuring out what people do (and why). It's also important to stress that sexual monogamy is not necessary for monogamy in a relationship. Similarly, it's not necessary for sexual monogamy to lead to a monogamous relationship. They're separate concepts that got linked because someone a long time ago connected sex and relationships and everybody agreed with whoever said that. But secretly alot of people said "that's silly" or "why?" and now we're realizing the extent of that.

To the OP, don't settle for an open relationship if you don't want one . Even if it was the only option, you wouldn't be happy in it and just because that doesn't mean a relationship will end, doesn't mean you want to strive for it either. There are plenty of people who want monogamy, either because they think it's the only choice or because it's the choice they want now. Besides, the people on here aren't exactly a representative sample of the population.
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 105
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 10:53:22 PM
100% yes...I still believe there is a man who believes in it as well...I hope
 farmboy1947
Joined: 5/27/2007
Msg: 106
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 2:46:04 AM
Wow! What a tread! But one I have thoughts on... but apparently not the mainstream.

I believe in monogamy when it is needed. And currently I do not need it. I believe (and note I'm not saying anyone else on the planet should believe as I do... just sharing my beliefs).. I believe it is important to be monogamous while raising children. I believe the parents need the full support and the loving example of two people working together to raise welbalanced individuals. HOWEVER, after that time period, the individuals may choose and have the right to go their own way, do as they please, consequences notwithstanding.

I have chosen a non-monogamous lifestyle and am very happy with it. Everyone I date KNOWS this up front. I am sure I have not gotten contacts because of this choice of mine. I treat all whom I meet with respect and honor our time together. Sex is just another aspect of our relationship if it comes to that.

I do take exception to the 'morality' card being played. Just a short off topic example how morality was used incorrectly in my view. I was accused of being immoral for following act. I had stopped at a red light where there was no traffic other than me. After waiting what seemed like forever, I ran the red light because I needed to catch a plane. IMMORAL!?! Paaaleassse! Who gets the right to say I am immoral? Only societal mores determine that. No single person, unless they sre members of the morality police. I performed an illegal act? Yes. Immoral act? No. Having sex with multiple partners is not immoral as long as it is between consenting adults ... IMHO (in my humble opinion).

Researchers out there.. perhaps you can find examples of common practice activities in other cultures' mores that are explicitly immoral in the USA. Only one comes to my mind quickly. Human sacrafice (hopefully an extinct more of anchient societies).

Question... Is serial monogamy ( ie marry .. divorce/death .. remarry .. divorce/death .. remarry .. ad infinitum ) really monogamy? I guess my definition of true monogamy would be that a couple marries FOR LIFE and never has sex with anyone else ever again, even after the death of the spouse.

That's not for me. I believe that to each his/her own. So to some out there I am an evil, immoral, perverted individual that they would never get withing spitting distance of. And others think of me as the kind, gental, helpful, caring, loving individual that I am.

Loved the question. Thanks for asking.

So to answer the question. YES! Monogamy is still important.
 flyonthewall!
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 107
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 6:18:32 AM

Even the OP doesn't appear to be advocating actual monogamy.


Then why did the OP say " I believe in monogomy very strictly. I also believe that sex should be with a person that matters and never just casual but that's not as important to the topic. Monogomy is something that I preach and that I want from a partner in return"

Does that sound like she's "not advocating actual monogamy"?


However, we are also terrible at applying this concept so what ends up happening is frequently a person will compare their current relationship in six months to how the new relationship would be in 2 weeks.


You're 21. That's how the 21 year old male mind works, or rather doesn't. It's 90 percent penis and 10 percent brain. Wait 10 or 20 years, mix, stir again and pour.


All that being said though, sexual fidelity actually isn't part of the relationship model I just explained.




Taking some psych classes lately? Leave the psychiatric analysis to the professionals.


Question... Is serial monogamy ( ie marry .. divorce/death .. remarry .. divorce/death .. remarry .. ad infinitum ) really monogamy? I guess my definition of true monogamy would be that a couple marries FOR LIFE and never has sex with anyone else ever again, even after the death of the spouse.


That's why the marriage vows are "until death do you part". The idea is that if you are unfortunate enough to have your spouse die before you, even God wouldn't want you to be alone for the rest of your life.

I was widowed twice, and would have been with either of my deceased husbands to this day if they had not predeceased me. The death of a spouse is not a problem of either party with remaining monogamous -- it's DEATH. Get it?

Losing a spouse is hell and finding someone else eventually signifies rejoining the living, but no sense in trying to explain things to you that you'll never understand.


That's not for me. I believe that to each his/her own. So to some out there I am an evil, immoral, perverted individual that they would never get withing spitting distance of. And others think of me as the kind, gental, helpful, caring, loving individual that I am.


If it's not for you, that's certainly your prerogative. Personally I don't care about the sex habits of people unless he happens to be the one person in the world with whom I'm having a romantic relationship.

Perhaps outside of a romantic relationship, you are kind, gentle, helpful, caring and loving -- not so much when you're dipping the same stick in many pools. Sounds yucky to me.

However, I've counted many men as friends who are "relationship challenged". After my second husband died several were my platonic dates. They were almost always available because they were constantly searching, and of course never finding the right ones. Plus listening to all the whining about how women "just don't get it" was entertaining!
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 6:31:13 AM

Suppose Jessica Alba showed up at a guy's door and she said, "I'm horny, and I want you, but this will be a one night stand, no strings attached". What do you think most single guys would do? Sex feels good, and there is nothing to loose... you would have to be retarded not to do her.


Then stamp retard on my forehead and call me an idiot. I rather be an idiot over an ass any day.
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 109
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 6:33:44 AM
I think I'd have to be a retard too.... but who knows. Maybe I have less will power than I think I do.
 o76923
Joined: 11/3/2007
Msg: 110
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 9:31:10 AM
Re: fly msg 123

Does that sound like she's "not advocating actual monogamy"?

Actually yes it does. If you bothered reading the context of the quote you'd note that monogamy and serial monogamy are two distinct concepts. Monogamy, strictly speaking, limits you to one partner ever. To be monogamous the first person you date, the first person you have sex with, and the first person you marry, and the last person you date, last person you have sex with, and last person you marry, must all be the same person. Serial monogamy is a series of monogamous relationships throughout a lifetime.


You're 21. That's how the 21 year old male mind works, or rather doesn't. It's 90 percent penis and 10 percent brain. Wait 10 or 20 years, mix, stir again and pour.

Thank you for making stereotypical assumptions about me when I'm only talking about research. I really appreciate you guessing at my gender, outlook on sexuality, and perspective on relationships based on seemingly nothing but my age and sex. However, what I am actually talking about is a common failing in human nature. We, as a species, are really bad at predicting things. So what ends up happening is when we attempt to compare things at two remote future dates, we wind up assuming the unfamiliar will change far less than the familiar will (we also assume changes will be beneficial in unfamiliar things). But feel free to attack me instead of addressing the issue.


Taking some psych classes lately? Leave the psychiatric analysis to the professionals.

Well, I'm going to assume for a minute that I'm not a social psych major with a focus in intimate relationships for a minute. But the model I described there actually doesn't factor in sexual monogamy. The model described is known as Social Exchange Theory. Nowhere in either the model or SET does it say sexual monogamy is necessary to monogamy in a relationship. In fact, there is a large body of research saying that it is unnecessary. However, that's not what I was talking about, I was only explaining SET.


That's why the marriage vows are "until death do you part"

The institution of monogamous-heterosexual-lifelong marriages is actually far more political than it would seem. Same sex marraige was outlawed for the first time in the 4th century AD as the Roman Empire adopted Christianity. Monogamy is also a bit of religous fanagling. Strictly speaking monogamy wasn't part of early christianity until its adoption by the roman empire. As for the lifelong issue, that's one of those things that's "true" technically, but not really. When marriage was initially started, and through the vast majority of its existence, "until death" meant at most twenty years. It was not uncommon for a man to have multiple partners through their lives with a wife dying in childbirth, or a different political alliance became more favorable making a new marriage more useful. But this notion of marriage being designed to last forever is a bit of a new thing and its effects are being heavily studied in the social psych community.

For anyone interested in the psych perspective on these sorts of issues, I strongly recommend "Intimate Relationships" by Miller, Perlman, Brehm , and the new guy that helped them in their latest edition (who's name escapes me). It's a very well done book that doesn't assume too much academic study in the area and is very good at explaining its points. Helpful diagrams, explanations of studies, and references to their website really do a marvelous job of helping grasp some of the issues in studying relationships today. It also can be a bit of an eye opener in the sense that there are alot of things in the book that will surprise you, until you think about them for a minute and realize they make sense.
 jm0405
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 111
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 10:52:26 AM
You said it very well. I believe in monogamy. Too many diseases to play the field - hepatitis, gonorrhea, genital herpes/warts, syphilis, AIDS/HIV. To commit adultery, you must manipulate, deceive and lie - all of those are evil attributes/characteristics. If I never meet a man that believes in monogamy, then I prefer staying alive, healthy and single without STDs.
 flyonthewall!
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 112
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 2:41:14 PM
o76923 --

You want to apply some definition you got out of a psychology book to monogamy rather than the term that everyone accepts, that's fine with me. But most people define monogamy is falling in love, getting married and staying with that person as long as you both live.

Sometimes it doesn't work out and you try again.

Even the most monogamous of people will date before marrying, and may have a lover or two on the way.

Geese and eagles that lose their partners will eventually recouple.

Nobody in this thread cares about the "research", and the OP WAS talking about monogamy. However, it was the common definition, not yours.
 Solitary Dreamer
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 113
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 5:28:12 PM
flyonthewall! I actually rather enjoyed o76923's opinion.

I started this thread to ask for different opinions and most opinions have been on one side or the other. His provided a different point and some rather good points too. He's right that I am talking about being monogomous with one partner at a time and not with one partner for the rest of my life...although I would love to find someone to spend my life with.

So, flyonthewall!. I was talking about the "normal" definition of monogomy yes, you're right. That doesn't mean I cannot appreciate different posts and opinions.

As for all the posters in this thread so far, thank you. You've all been honest and forthcoming with your thoughts and that's what I wanted for this thread, but I think I need to clear somethings up for the multiple partner people here. I myself choose monogomy...I in no means will judge someone else if they do not want it I just don't want them near me when it comes to a relationship. So...I'm not closeminded in general...just close minded for myself.
 MAHJADAH
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 114
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 5:45:59 PM
i'm a firm believer in polygamy. i don't believe that monogamy is natural for men and i think that forcing it on them is cruel and unusual punishment. monogamy is not a choice that i feel most men make. i find that usually if a man is monogamous, it's because the are things in place that force him to be that way ie divorce or some other consequence. i believe that most men who's SO demands monogamy would do whatever on the side if they knew they wouldn't be caught. this is not because they're dogs, it's because they were born and bred to have multiple wives. monogamy is simply not natural for men. there are those men who would refute this but at their core, they know what reality us. ladies, if you believe in your mind that for the rest of your natural lives that all your man will ever want is you, this is simply not the case. if you looked like paris hilton that wouldn't be the case.
 Bethany2911
Joined: 5/21/2007
Msg: 115
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 8:18:32 PM
Monogamy is very important to me. I believe people that are not monogamous are usually self centered, immature, indecisive, greedy, unsatisfied, and hopeless individuals. I'm not saying all are like that,but, most are. I love to put all that I got on a person that I love and trust for I feel lucky to have such a person in my life. Sex is important to me,but, not that important and two people that really care for each other can work that issue out. I'm mostly thankful that I have a very caring, wise, loyal, and honest friend by my side which makes me feel complete. What else could a person ask for? So no, I can't understand a person that wants more then that. Are some of us falling back into the evolutionary charts? Don't we want to better ourselves into a higher being and evolve? Maybe some of us don't know how to yet.Or are we afraid to?
 o76923
Joined: 11/3/2007
Msg: 116
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 9:00:45 PM
I'm glad I was able to help OP. I think that the Miller, Perlman, and Brehm book is a book that every high school should take a month break from teaching, read and discuss alongside a proper sex-ed course, and then get back to work. It is useful at dispelling myths, explaining things people are confused about, teaching that normal isn't nearly as narrow as it seems, and that lots of stuff is OK, just not for everybody. Beyond that, I think it can really teach someone what to watch out for in a relationship to see if they're messing up or if they're in a bad one. If that's not going to help people have better, stronger, closer, and more intimate marriages when (if) they do decide to get married, I don't know what will.

All that being said, I'm actually in a similar boat as the OP. As much as on an idealistic level, I think polygamy makes more sense. And as much as I think I could be a good polygamist, I'm not really sure that's the life for me. I do in alot of ways want a really close bond with several different people, but they're all different types of bonds. And I'm not entirely sure which one of them is the "wife" one, but I'm not really sure that once I figured out which one was the wife one, if I'd be able to be as close with the others. Sexually on the other hand, meh. As long as everyone is being honest and safe about it, it's no big deal to me. I know that I don't exactly have the same drive as most people I know. So, if a partner needs more than I'm willing/able to do, I'm ok with them going elsewhere for sex. If nothing else, I'm only a single male individual, how much variance I can provide is pretty much limited to outfits and positions.

And HRH, I'm deeply offended by your post. Sexist outlooks like that are devastating for both males and men everywhere. Comments like that are misinformed, not supported by statistics, and even go so far as to hurt the feminist movement. It isn't men who are polygamous (or serial monogamous) its humans. There really isn't much of a difference between gender, sex, or orientation.
 Aroara1982
Joined: 6/13/2005
Msg: 117
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 9:21:11 PM
OP you're not alone. I'm monogomous and I also expect the same from my mates.

I would like to take a chance to point some things out though....I have not read all 6 pages of comments, that being said. Most if not all the profiles I've looked at for men there's a constant theme....NO CHEATERS...or...NO GAMES. Funny don't you think that most men who want open relationships either expect/want monogomy from the women they date. Unless every guy I've met is an FLDS member then I'm not buying it.

Now having said all that....I have had multiple relationships running at the same time twice in my life. I was open and honest with all parties involved that I was seeing other guys, but as soon as a relationship got more physical than kissing and cuddling, I broke it off with the other guy. This is simply because it seems that I'll not have anyone interested in about 3 years, then all of a sudden 2-4 guys want to talk.

Now to the animal topic. Yes humans are animals, but higher intellect...meaning knowledge of genetic defects due to incestuous relationships and reproduction with unintelligent people...mean we have evolved to a higher level than that of a dog, bear, or hyena. For centuries we have practiced monogomy not just as a means of strengthening familial and spiritual relationships, but as disease control.

If you need a modern disease, look at AIDS. The epidemic of AIDS has been mainly contributed to free love, homo and heterosexual both. There are married people getting AIDS and other STDs from a spouse who does not practice monogomy. It sucks but it's true. If abstinence and monogomy were practiced more then we'd probably rid the world of AIDS and other incurable STDs. Just another reason monogomy is good for the entire world, not just wacko religious folks.

Soooo....OP you're not crazy or individualistic, you just have common sense
 WWJDTLS50
Joined: 5/28/2008
Msg: 118
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 9:49:22 PM
Yes it is, if you love someone , and I mean really love someone, why in the world would you want to be having sex with someone else , when you can with the one you are in love with.? If you are not in love with them and I mean truely in love, then why are you with them.? I think Monogomy is a wonderful thing. I was married for 30 years and never wanted to make love to anyone but my husband. I enjoyed making love to him and him alone. Granted most people don't feel that way , but as for me, I am a one man women and would only hope and pray that my man would feel the same. Sex with the person you admire and love is a wonderful gift not to be taken lightly if it is to last a lifetime. (It never got old or boring because it was love in my heart).
 outofthedesert
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 119
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/30/2008 3:10:12 AM

i find that usually if a man is monogamous, it's because the are things in place that force him to be that way ie divorce or some other consequence. i believe that most men who's SO demands monogamy would do whatever on the side if they knew they wouldn't be caught. this is not because they're dogs, it's because they were born and bred to have multiple wives. monogamy is simply not natural for men. there are those men who would refute this but at their core, they know what reality us. ladies, if you believe in your mind that for the rest of your natural lives that all your man will ever want is you, this is simply not the case

I respect your opinion, but there are men who only want one woman and feel if they are being all they can be, the woman in their life is the recepient of what is to offer.

The man in my life--we are 'together' so much, there would never be time for another. We--yes, I said we-- plan on it always being that way. He says he needs or wants no other. I feel the same.

Early man was promiscious because of the need to procreate the races. We hardly need more people. It is sex when you have multiple partners, lovemaking when it is strictly with the same one. I prefer the later.
 poly_1der
Joined: 1/8/2006
Msg: 120
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/30/2008 5:27:06 AM
cat_woman makes this comment about "cheating"
Too commonplace if you ask me. There are a lot of us out there who want monogamy and are looking for a partner who feels the same way.


There's a world of difference, in some cases, between "cheating" and choosing to be non monogamous. Cheating involves betrayal, dishonesty, disrespect, and a lack of regard for the feelings of the person you're cheating on. My *polyamorous* relationships are based on honesty, integrity, respect, compassion, open communication, and love. There's no cheating involved. In fact, my polyamorous relationships are more honest, compassionate, and loving than ANY of my monogamous relationships have been...honesty is the cornerstone of polyamory.
 positivelycomplete
Joined: 10/1/2007
Msg: 121
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 8/1/2008 8:43:27 PM

Alot of single mothers out there. Just look around. They're all over the place. Women just want to get the genes of really good looking tall guys. They dont need the guys to hang around as fathers. As long as their kids are goodlooking, tall, strong and sexy - super model sexy. Whether or not the guy has a relationship with her or is devoted - she doesn't care. Its all the commodity of the quality of his sperm.


This isn't far off. When a woman just wants to make a baby, this is what her body leads her to do. When she wants a family, she'd be wise to pick a slightly lesser man in the dating pool, one who'd be happy to have her, and would actually stick around.

What happens with really young women especially, is that they aren't ready to be caught by and committed to Mr. Nice Guy at age 33 or whatever just yet, so they sleep with a bad boy or three and 'accidentally' get knocked up too soon.
 positivelycomplete
Joined: 10/1/2007
Msg: 122
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 8/1/2008 9:04:46 PM

i'm a firm believer in polygamy. i don't believe that monogamy is natural for men and i think that forcing it on them is cruel and unusual punishment. monogamy is not a choice that i feel most men make.


I agree that there should not be laws making polygamy difficult, such as it being illegal for a man to have more than one wife. But governments do that to keep violence and unrest down and perhaps support whatever underlying religion the nation's centered around.

If single men had to compete even more with already married men, I think it would open more opportunities for women. Wouldn't it be better to be one of five wives to a great man, than the only wife of a loser?
 Its Better Together
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 123
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 8/1/2008 9:28:58 PM
Absolutely - Especially if you have any kind of morals or self respect for yourself and your partner.
 debbywebby32
Joined: 5/27/2006
Msg: 124
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 8/1/2008 9:37:31 PM
what ever happened to old-fashioned values? 1 man 1 woman?
 phule
Joined: 4/8/2004
Msg: 125
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 8/1/2008 9:37:50 PM
OP (Nayukhuut)

Let me preface this first with...
the 60's -- Free love and acid man... tune in and drop out... and have some casual s3x with strangers while you are at it. And some wife swapping.
the 70's -- Disco and cocaine. Dance till your clothes fall off, and then have some s3x. More wife swapping.
the 80's -- Business suits and afternoon trysts. Money out the wazoo and multiple partner parties. More cocaine. Oh, and more wife swapping.
the 90's -- Make some money off your wife's s3xual habits with other men by putting it on the internet. Or just use the internet for s3x and porn. Oh, and easier to find one night stands. Still got wife swapping though. Got Pot... and X.
the 00's -- Continuation of the 90's with a bit more sophistication. Severe lack of originality on this front. Lots more X though.

Now is not unique. Well, it is, but not in the sense you believe it to be.

Now. I guess you haven't spent time reading the threads that are about how someone thinks that noone wants a serious/long-term relationship... or the threads that start off with someone being upset about how all people want is sex. Because guess what? These threads are full of people who defend the fact that they DON'T only want sex.

If you want a monogamous relationship, stick by your guns. If the guy you are with doesn't... he's not the right guy. It doesn't matter if he seems to have everything else that you want. If he was the greatest, but he had a heavy cocaine habit... would you care or would you kick him to the curb?

If you can't seem to find the right guy from those that you think you want, then start looking at guys who DO claim to have the things in common with you that you believe to be important. Then your only problem is sorting the liars from those telling the truth.
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