|Childless menPage 2 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)|
you make alot of good valid points.I did try to date a few women with young children in the past,but for some reason,we didn't click past the first date,personality wise. Maybe the Bigbrother thing is one answer, if a biological child is not in the future for me.
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:37:05 AM
|WHAT IS CAUSING YOU TO FEEL THIS WAY. FEAR OF GETTING OLDER AND BEING ALONE? A SENSE OF BEING SELFISH FOR NOT HAVING HAD CHILDREN? OR AS WITH MANY THINGS IN LIFE - IS IT JUST THE FACT THAT WE REGRET WHAT WE DID NOT DO RATHER THAN WHAT WE DID DO IN LIFE?|
I HAVE ONE CHILD, A DAUGHTER WHO IS 26 AND LIVES ACROSS THE COUNTRY. I DO NOT GET TO SEE HER THAT OFTEN. MY POINT IS THAT EVEN IF YOU HAD HAD A CHILD, THEY GROW UP AND LIVE THEIR LIFE AND SOME TIMES THAT MEANS MOVING 3000 MILES AWAY. SO EVEN IF YOU HAD A CHILD SOME OF THE THINGS THAT YOU ARE ENVIOUS OF MIGHT STILL BE THE SAME. ALSO, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THAT WHEN YOU HAVE A CHILD OF YOUR OWN IT IS SOMEWHAT A FORM OF SELF LOVE? I THINK YOU SHOULD STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP AND FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS ABOUT NOT HAVING A CHILD AND TRY TO FILL THAT VOID IN ANOTHER WAY. VOLUNTEER WORK WITH CHILDREN MAYBE.
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:51:11 AM
|Hi Todayand beyond,|
I think I'm one of those people that wish they could go back in time to their youth,knowing what they do now, and change many things. My sister has experienced some of what you said about children growing up and moving away.My oldest nephew first joined the Navy,then after 6 years,moved several hundred miles away.
Posted: 7/27/2008 8:38:43 AM
|It is the way...children going out from our home...when they grow up...and it is normal.|
But we raise them...the joy of being mother/father is forever in us.
I don't think it is in real world greatest joy than being a parent!
To hold...to feed...to play...even to dry tears of your child!
If you dream about your child...it is never too late...for a man...
Posted: 7/27/2008 10:22:41 AM
|You are not a failure, things happen the way the happen, thats all. |
Your girlfriend, however, is the most deceitful and hurtful for doing that behind your back. If there was a good reason for not having the child (medical problem, etc) at least she could have been honest. Sorry I can't stand liars.
I think fathers in most situations have the right to a say in things.
Posted: 7/27/2008 11:24:36 AM
|Really important point to make Sapphireeyes.|
My ex and I couldn't have children though we researched why and tested etc. So we got quite involved with working with kids for financially challenged single parent homes. It was really rewarding. They taught me a lot, though I could never really know what a parent was like because my involvement was limited to a few hours a week, and the odd week-end when we could take the kids to a summer camp. But I got so much back in trust and affection (as we all did of course) I think it was one of my life's more enriching experiences.
Posted: 7/27/2008 8:08:56 PM
|i am in total agreement with you. i never wanted kids and have absolutely no regrets. it is a different life without kids and one which i think is great. have been married twice--we didn't want kids and got divorced after 10 years--not due to the kid issue. 2nd marriage was great but unfortunately she died after 14 years. my most recent relationship had a 22yr old daughter that was far and away #1 in her life and when the grandkids came along i would probably drop to #3. don't want kids, never did, no regrets.|
Posted: 8/24/2008 9:51:06 PM
|I have no children of my own. I occasionally jokingly add a corrolary- I have no children of which I am aware. I've been divorced since 1994, and my ex had no interest in being a mother. |
My brother has 3 beautiful children, who I absolutely adore as much as he does. For awhile I regretted that I had no children, but since my divorce I have been diagnosed with a genetic disease which would mean that there would be a significant chance that any child I fathered would have that gene passed along either in the form of the active disease state or as a carrier. Knowing that, I've chosen to not create any children. That doesn't prevent me from being a terrific uncle to my nieces and nephew.
Yes, I tested my brother; he's not a carrier; he won at Mendelian roulette.
I don't feel compelled 'to keep the family name/line going'. His male heir can have that honor. besides, all 3 inherited their Uncle's strikingly handsome looks.
Posted: 8/24/2008 10:06:04 PM
|I have never wanted children or wanted to raise children, so I missed nothing. OTOH I came from a large family, dated women with large families and lived with women and some of their kids. Nothing changed my mind about my choice NOT to have kids.|
So, in this experience, I really have no clue about what you are feeling.
Posted: 8/25/2008 1:20:45 AM
|I've always wanted children. However, I never found a woman (who was available) that I would have trusted to be a good mother, except once - and she was rendered unable to bear kids in a botched gynecological procedure meant to achieve the exact opposite result. Emotionally, she was destroyed.|
I did have a girlfriend with 5 kids for 2 years. She was a classic example of someone who should never have had kids. All 4 of the boys had been incarcerated at some point and for the most part, carry on their mother's dysfunctionality. Eleven years later, her daughter who, at 17, had been out of school for a while - was running around pregnant to carry on her mom's legacies of state aid to raise her own crop of criminals.
When I first met her, the kids ran the mother, not the other way around. In the end, she was unable to maintain control of her brood and unwilling to discipline them when needed. I was unwilling to keep watching these disasters in the making.
For similar reasons, I'm definitely not jealous of friends' or neighbors' families. You can often see the problems in the making due to errant parenting.
Yes, I know...There is always adoption. However I am not willing to take on someone else's "mistake" and I've seen numerous adoptions of kids from failed families who were /are nothing but problems for their new families. The adoptive parents were convinced their love would overcome any obstacle. Well, that may work in the movies. Real life is quite another story.
How would you feel to have adopted two brothers between 6 and 10 years old (from drug-abusing parents) who are already showing tendencies toward sexual predation and molestation of younger girls? I know of an actual current case, and you will not convince me that this is a rarity.
No thanks. I'd prefer to start fresh with someone whose background I am aware of.
As for world population, why is it that our own population (aside from immigrants) is waning, yet we are tasked with the feat of working to feed the rest of the world that keeps popping them out left and right? <--Yes, this is a run-on sentence.
Posted: 8/25/2008 5:16:23 AM
|I have a friend who adopted two little boys from the Ukraine in his forties. It wasn't easy, but he was able to manage and now is enjoying being a dad. The boys aren't perfect--one has ADHD, but hey, even when you have your own you don't know what you will end up with. That's what raising children is all about. Sometimes its good and just as often bad. Even great parents can have rotten kids... and even lousy parents can turn out a gem.|
Posted: 8/25/2008 8:05:09 AM
|I asked a co-worker, if he ever paid for Sex, his reply was still paying for sex I had years back.. $700 a month..|
Posted: 8/25/2008 8:18:12 AM
It is the worst...when people think child=money.
Posted: 8/25/2008 8:44:19 AM
|Adopt a child or pay for a surrogate if you want a child.|
Posted: 8/25/2008 10:18:27 AM
|If its any consolation, a lot of women prefer childless men. No ex to deal with, no kids opposed to the relationship, more time for her.. Dated both guys with kids and those without, things seem to run smoother in general with those with no kids. If you are really into kids, find someone with kids you can eventually "share", do volunteer work with children, there's a jillion ways to be involved in the life of a child.|
Posted: 8/25/2008 10:18:56 AM
|WantaSmart1, your post is so sad...|
I know of a man who was thrown away at birth, it was 1920, February. They burned the trash and a man taking his trash there heard a cry and thought someone had tossed in a kitten...instead he found a baby...seconds away from being burn alive. He took it home to his wife, they couldnt have kids. His family said you cant adopt him..you dont know who his parents are, we won't allow it and told the man if he adopted the child they would kick him out of the family business. The wife had already adopted baby in her heart and so the man had to take construction jobs to support his family.
When the baby was 5 years old the mother died and the man had to put him in a nunnery where he stayed until he was 15 and then he couldnt stand it anymore and ran away. A woman found him on her back door porched curled around the empty milk container. She took him in and made him a part of her family.
That baby was my father...he was never someone elses mistake. The woman who took him in was with him when he died...the loved that they shared gave back to both of them thru out the years. Anytime she had a problem he was there for her...he helped build her home, did her repairs and never let her forget how much he loved her for what she had done for him.
Posted: 8/25/2008 11:27:52 AM
I know of a man who was thrown away at birth, it was 1920, February. They burned the trash and a man taking his trash there heard a cry...
That baby was my father...he was never someone elses mistake.
Whoever was cold enough to place him into the trash apparently felt he was a "mistake", not to mention guilty of attempted homicide. People who should never be having kids are popping them out without thought. Then, they change their minds and expect someone else to take care of things and clean up after them while they go on merrily about their lives.
I know people who were told by parents that they were "mistakes" and it affects them for the rest of their lives to know this. Some folks should be rendered incapable of procreation, but they aren't. I'm just no longer willing to take on the results of their actions. Been there, done that.
How does that make my post sad?
I also wonder of the folks whose positions are: "There are too many people in the world, go and adopt one of them instead."...How many of these advisors have adopted one of the "unwanted" themselves and how that worked out?
Posted: 8/25/2008 12:03:38 PM
|It is sad that you view another person as a mistake, we dont get to chose who our parents are ...and as one person once said about their father was that the only thing he ever did was donate the sperm to make me and he had a good time doing it. |
If you were one of the "mistakes" how would you feel? Love is a gift, it cost nothing to give it and MOST of the time the rewards are neverending. Hope, loving a child gives him hope for his own future.
At one point in my life I wanted nothing more than to help kids who needed it, then I got sick and now financially Im not in a position to do so. I am going to college to fix that and then one day I will be able to and it is one thing that whoever I end up with will have to understand about me. I have however opened my house to most of the kids that my children know and all have one common theme...lack of a good father figure in their lives. To watch them interact with a man is like watching a flower bloom...tis a thing of beauty. The only thing wrong with these kids is they never have known true love and when I went to move recently all of them were there to help me in 90 plus heat, some I hadnt met before but they had heard from others and just came to help.
A child should never be about who's it parents are...they are a person in their own right.
As far as the people told by their parents they are a mistake, yes it is cruel to...my ex was used as living proof that birth control doesnt work. His mom would constantly tell his older brother and sister that unless they wanted a "JOHN" in their live they needed to make sure they didnt have sex...She sent him birthday cards that said, Son you are one of a kind...and that is a good thing the world couldnt handle another one like you. He is in jail now, his own actions but i have no doubts that his parents played a big part in the things in his life that lead him there.
So yea some people shouldnt be parents...in actually they arent parents...but it doesnt elimate the fact that the child exist and if we all turn our backs..that child still exist and growing up without love in their lifes...they still exist and then when they end up in jail etc...they still exist and you are paying for them the rest of your life with your tax dollars so you arent getting out of it.. cause they still exist. You can make a difference in just one childs life by showing them love..imagine if everyone did...how many problems such as over crowding in jails would be eliminated.
Posted: 8/25/2008 12:41:05 PM
1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
2. a misunderstanding or misconception.
Really the only people who can validate whether or not a child is a "mistake" (or more accurately the result of no-one's-but-their-own mistakes) are the parents of that child. Right up to the moment they abandon their child - whether that moment is at fertilization or 17 years, 11 months and 364 days after birth, these people have the option to turn things - should they choose to do so. Most just choose not to or maybe lack the capacity to do so.
Case in point: Your ex's "mother" - and her birthday cards... She sounds like a real loser. Exactly who did she blame for John's outcome? It sounds like she blamed John himself.
Posted: 11/13/2009 8:41:57 PM
|I was married 12 years and though we tried we didn't have any kids. My ex's sisters.... was another story, they just looked at their husbands and they became pregnant.|
I would have even been happy being a stay-at-home dad.
So, what's a guy to do? It didn't work, I have my health, and I can do things I enjoy doing - I'm thankful for that.
mind you I wouldn't mind being chased by a couple of gorgeous women
Posted: 11/13/2009 9:27:28 PM
|You are not a failure as a man for not having reproduced. Neither is a women a failure as a woman for not having reproduced. All animals can reproduce. Reproduction has nothing to do with our success or failure as human beings. If you are missing being a dad, you still have options. The obvious one for men your age is to find a willing female, get married and have a kid right away. Not the best choice perhaps, not so much as you'll end up fathering until much later in life than the average, but if the marriage doesn't work out, and you are left as a single full or part time dad looking for a new woman in your life, that could be problematic. Another option is adopting an older child. Someone your age, even single, can adopt an older child. Not all kids in foster care are problem kids; some, despite the troubles of their childhood are good kids and need a good home. Instead, they remain afloat and unclaimed in the foster care system.|
Posted: 11/13/2009 9:30:31 PM
personally i never understood this view. where is the failure??
there's a big difference between wanting children, and considering yourself a failure if you never had any.
i have to also ask if it's a question of wanting to produce your own, or whether you think adoption is an acceptable alternative.
Yeah, pretty easy for you to say, as your profile says that all your kids are over 18.
Posted: 11/14/2009 12:38:57 AM
|as a fost/adopt mom i can ASSURE you that there is a crying need for adoptive dads. i know several, just like adoptive moms, who have done it alone. there are funds to assist. if that can't be done, the very LEAST that you can do is become a respite provider to a fost/adopt family or a big brother. i'm just one of those people who decides to "do something" about whatever it is that i decide to mourn for, on any particular day. you can also adopt international children via financial support and write them letters. i have three adopted kids of my own and three international kids i send support to. |
btw, sexual abuse towards boys is huge. so, go fill a gap and provide them with some hope. i wanted to adopt since i was five. married twice, the opportunity never presented itself til age 50. with my first i had thought of giving birth to one child and adopting the rest. but, as luck would have it, we got divorced before that could happen. by age 50, i had come down with lymes and realized that it was then or NEVER. my kids are 19-22 and i'm 61. i started at ages 10 1/2-13. so, go for it! you cannot undue an undelivered baby. you can help save one that is already alive.
PS WANTASMART--MY KIDS ARE ""FAR"" FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S MISTAKE and GUESS WHAT, THEY ARE ALL PRETTY DAMN SMART THEMSELVES, AS WELL AS SURVIVORS!!!! GRRRRRR.......
Posted: 11/14/2009 12:53:56 AM
|Like a few others I don't see it as a failure, although it's obviously a regret you have. From a dating point of view it could make you a 'good catch' and maybe you should consider checking out women who have youngish children. You could be a father that way, even if only a surrogate.|
Posted: 11/14/2009 1:15:35 AM
...even if only a surrogate.
Sometimes the biological father is not in the picture; either he is dead or he is a non-active parent. My biological father married a woman with two children whose father was not in the picture. My father adopted her two children and they had two more of their own together, thus I have two older, half siblings. My father was their father, completely and fully. He was not a surrogate or a step father. This is a situation that is not all that uncommon. Though my father was not an older man and married a woman about his own age with two very young children, an older man might meet a woman with children whose father has died or is not in the picture.