|Childless menPage 3 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)|
|In a two hundred mile radius from my doorstep, there are 20. At least according to POF, that number goes up if you put not sure in children field. but a not sure is a maybe I do down the line. The mode of operation has been get em young, and when the biological clock starts ticking, time to trade in. good for a bout a decade, though the last one made it 14 years. (not opposed to LTR, just dead set against kids)|
Posted: 1/12/2010 12:04:08 PM
|You're 41, your problem will soon go away unless you date much younger. (Another reason NOT to date much younger)|
I'm a childless woman, too--but I still have relationships, so that 'women only want relationships for children' theory is debunked. Though it should be obvious that it's bunk to anyone in the dating world, anyway.
I just do not understand the ole "need" for children. It's not like the species will die out because YOU didn't spawn.
I recall one very interesting survey of old people in a retirement home:
--the ones with kids often regretted having them
--the ones without kids often regretted NOT having them
It's a human thing, this wanting what you don't have.
Posted: 1/13/2010 10:24:54 AM
|Not having children does not mean you are a failure at anything. You're 46 and could still be a Father if you wanted to be. The fact that your ex girlfriend did what she did was apparently because she had grown children already. That was her choice. We won't get in to the why she didnt discuss it with you part. |
I didn't have children and have no regrets. I am not a failiure in any way. I also see too many people with children that should never have had them in the first place.
If you like children that much, put yourself out there and look for single moms. There are plenty looking for someone like you.
Posted: 1/13/2010 3:21:24 PM
|I work in public education and interact with many children every day at work, and also have taught over 1 thousand different children at this point in my career. Maybe if I did not teach them I would have had a need to become a parent, but never have felt a burning maternal instinct as far as wanting to become a mother. My brother became a father for the first time at age 46, and seems to be happy with his choice.|
Posted: 1/13/2010 3:40:05 PM
My brother became a father for the first time at age 46, and seems to be happy with his choice.
Well, to be fair, he may as well be. There are no "take-backs" on this sort of thing.
And it's hardly "okay" to say, "Boy, having kids was the biggest mistake of my life!" Talk about making yourself a pariah. Although, I can't help but feel there are plenty of people out there who DO regret having children. Probably don't HATE the kids themselves,but more like regret the path they could have taken: maybe living abroad, but instead were stuck home with the kids. Or being an artist, but instead had to pay the bills because of the kids. You know, George what's-his-name in that Christmas movie.
There are other ways to indulge your generativity than spawning (teaching is one way, Big Borthers/Sisters, being an aunt, etc).
Posted: 1/13/2010 5:14:30 PM
|My brother dated several women who were older than him or his age who did not have children and I think he was attracted to his wife because she had children and is 8 years younger than he is. He adopted her children from her previous marriage shortly before their daughter was born. He had years of being single, and the choice he made of marrying a woman who had children and having a child of his own seems to agree with him.|
Posted: 1/15/2010 5:07:34 AM
i don't have kids and i don't miss it. i've really never wanted kids, so there's really nothing to miss. i enjoy being able to do what i want to do without having to consider anyone else. my ex, on the other hand, recently seems more enamored with the idea. he never seemed to want kids in the past, however. at this point, i think it has more to do with the women he dates. if he's hooked into someone and they want kids, dogs, etc., then all of a sudden he's yapping endlessly about how great it would be to have kids, dogs, etc.. then when they break up, never peep again. think it's more an extension of the woman than really wanting kids, dogs, cats, etc.. we had dogs and he never could be bothered with them, so i can't imagine what would happen if he ever had kids with someone and the thrill of the woman wore off...i shudder to think the thrill of the kid would probably wear off.
Posted: 1/15/2010 12:36:11 PM
|perhaps you could be a 'big brother' to someone, or volunteer to help out in schools, or even just sponsor a child somewhere|
it's not the same as having your own child of course, but it would definitely make a difference in the life of a little one.
Posted: 7/19/2010 9:52:13 PM
|I have taken my turn at raising kids, my brothers kids. Mainly my mother was asked to help take care of them but I was there and did my share of screaming to make them behave. I also had an ex-girlfriend whom had four kids. Her youngest was a baby girl and she was so much fun to be around. She would sleep between us and if we kissed each other we had to kiss her. When she got a little older like 3 or 4, I gave her a big hug and told her that I love her. The biggest smile had come across her face, I will never forget. But I got tired of her mothers crap and I left. I bet she will never forget me either, her mother told me that she thinks I am her dad. I'm not of course but thats what the little girl thinks.|
Posted: 7/19/2010 10:42:29 PM
|An anecdote to be interpreted any way you like:|
I had a girlfriend for 3 years who had a hysterectomy. She'd had kids in a prior marriage (unplanned), fought with them constantly and berated herself as a bad mom (unfortunately).
We got along great, but despite her personal health and history with kids, every few months she would ask me if I wanted kids.
WTF? Why did she kept asking?!?
Posted: 7/19/2010 11:21:58 PM
|I had my first midlife crisis at 21, I was never supposed to be this old. |
Now I am up for a sequal of fast cars, loud motorcycles, skydiving, extended vacations, reckless endangerments and a long string of things that I will regret if I make it to round three.
No kids. Not married. No regrets on either.
Some people are parental, some shouldnt ever be. Best mind your own gap.
Posted: 7/20/2010 3:02:32 PM
We got along great, but despite her personal health and history with kids, every few months she would ask me if I wanted kids.
WTF? Why did she kept asking?!?
I think she kept asking because she knew it was the ONE thing she could never "give" you. (Another common yet outdated assumption ~ that ALL men want a son...or at the very least, a child.) I don't get it myself, but seems to be a theme. **shrug**
Posted: 7/21/2010 5:59:48 PM
|I don't regret my choice to not have kids as I had a wonderful career and certainly don't feel like a failure. It was my choice and I know I made the right decision.|
Posted: 7/21/2010 8:53:45 PM
|Children can be one of the biggest joys in one's life, but they are a big responsibility that not everyone is capable of taking on. It's a committment of 20 years or more. There are too many fatherless and single parent homes in our society. If you can't committment to love and marriage with a partner, in order to initially create a loving stable environment for a child, it's better to put off having them. |
Having children shouldn't be a "right", it should be a "privilege"
Posted: 7/22/2010 1:35:32 PM
|^^^^tell that to my 54 year old brother, who became a father at age 46 for the first time. At age 54 he seems to have plenty of strength and has no issues with being too vain.|
Posted: 7/22/2010 5:06:49 PM
I don't think someone who doesn't have kids is a failure - I think the ones who have kids who never should have are! (I do, however, think a lot of men who reach this age and haven't been married have issues).
The last line above is quite the statement,,,and somewhat revealing. Just for your info,,,,and anybody else that thinks this way,,,,,people can be in (and amazingly ARE) in long term relationships and NOT EVER be married in their life!!!!!!! Can ya believe THAT???
Not ever being married= issues.........
OT,,,,,a huge quanity of PEOPLE should NEVER be parents,,,,,,,,EVER!!!!!!!!!! (married or not )
Posted: 7/22/2010 7:23:41 PM
|"^^^^tell that to my 54 year old brother, who became a father at age 46 for the first time. At age 54 he seems to have plenty of strength and has no issues with being too vain."|
I just think as you get older you should be putting money away for retirement not a kid's college funds; but that is just my thought.
Posted: 7/26/2010 5:37:47 AM
|because of my last few dates i've decided i would like to date men who are childless...|
(or their children live at least a few hundreds miles away)...
a lot of the men who i've been out with have issues,
with their children not wanting them to date or form any sort of relationship with a new partner...
i don't want this sort of drama in my life and i question why these kids are so concerned with their father's business...
my darling son only wants to see me happy, trusts my judgement and is not at all over protective or jealous of any man i may go out with...
Posted: 7/29/2010 7:22:31 AM
|I wanted a life of adventure and had no time for kids. But starting about 10 years ago, every now and then I would be around a happy family and go home feeling awful for not having that for myself. Still I wouldn't trade my adventurous life for that. And I'm still not thrilled about getting myself into an instant family situation.|
Posted: 9/22/2011 8:28:44 PM
|Some of us are just not meant to have children and for some it is a deliberate choice.|
However there are children that we can love and guide that are in the family
or just who we know. Nieces, nephews etc.......
Posted: 9/24/2011 5:03:54 PM
|I didn't try to have kids and didn't have any..........I succeeded..|
I've tried to get bands going,.,,,,,,,,haven't succeeded..........didn't quit.....still play,,,,,,didn't fail either.
The BEST IS YET TO COME
I can visit my brother and babysit his 2 and load them up w/ twinkies and Mt dew and play football in the house..........
Posted: 9/24/2011 5:22:38 PM
|fixed at 18, |
that kid aint ever mine
find your next victim.
Posted: 9/24/2011 8:10:16 PM
|Not everybody should have children. A current look around this country shows that many shouldn't have had; they weren't prepared to raise children. If you haven't at least tried to heal whatever childhood emotional injuriesthat were done to you, perhaps you should wait on transferring those same issues to children.|
I've also known a number of women who decided (one of them at quite an early age) that they themselves did not want children. The reasons? I can't tell you or (perhaps) they'd kill me. [Sort of a joke.]
And in a similar vein, not everybody should go to college. In this country you're treated as pariah if you don't have a degree (or two), but many people should perhaps attend vocational training. We have way too many lawyers and not enough nurses. And I know a number of people with superfluous degrees that they arenever going to use.
I have personally fathered two children in my time. But in both cases, however much the woman wanted (or in both cases never knew they wanted) children, neither was prepared to do it. With one of them she was too old and her body rejected the fetus. In the other one, when I didn't respond favorably, she had an abortion.
In the end, unless both of the procreators are wanting wholeheartedly to devote the next 18 years of their life to the child, the child should not be created. I know this probably sounds really harsh, but have you ever known anyone who found out that they were an 'unwanted' child? It wasn't a feel good revelation, I"ll tell you that.
We all need to find in ourselves what our true reason for coming into this life is, before we take on the task of forming someone elses reason for coming in. I truly believe in a saying by a comedian some time ago, "I don't believe in having children until I"m through being one."
Aside from this, I have way too many other things in my life that if I dont' give them attention for any length of time, will not suffer for the rest of their lives for that lack of attention paid. And besides, I don't have enough time for all of my creative 'children' (works of art/writing/design) as it is.
In my opinion, a child is either a choice, or a potential (as a former friend once was fond of sayinhg) flaming disaster if they are not.
Posted: 4/7/2013 12:02:43 PM
|I just checked this old thread I started back in 2008. Since then, I have done volunteer work in my local community, and had the chance to show many kids the wonders of astronomy through my large telescope,plant trees,play guitar songs and have sing alongs. Thank's to all who participated in this thread. :D|
|IF YOU DON'T AT LEAST REALLY WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN, *DON'T* UNTIL YOU REALLY FEEL SURE!!!|
Posted: 4/7/2013 10:20:15 PM
|UPDATE: There are not 6 billion people on the earth. There were 6.6 billion by 2000, and there are well over 7 billion now.|
When I was a kid, my books said there were a bit over a billion and a quarter humans extant. Now THAT is a hockey-stick graph!
I'm really glad to see that this thread is long and shows an immense variation in feelings about the issue. Too many people tend to think their own view is "right."
At this point, SOMEONE has to mention the culturally shocking Ann Landers survey (there's a thread somewhere) decades ago,when she asked empty-nesters if they'd have children if they could do it all again. Ann was stunned into temporary silence by the overwhelming NO at a time when everyone was expected to "live for their kids."
In my case, I grew up in a family and didn't understand why parents would want children. Our parents said we were the light of their lives, but even as kids we could see they were lying and trying to be what they were told to be. I didn't know any happy families; this was Quebec before the pill or reform in abortion or divorce laws.
I never said never. I paid attention to what people around me wanted and did. Over the years, I'd ask people why they chose to have kids, and they would always get on to whether they were happy about it. Over the years (and we're talking a lot of years in my case), I amassed replies that told me:
There are a lot of people who never had children, wanted them, and mostly regretted not having had them.
There were a lot of people who wanted kids, had them, and regretted it.
There were a lot of people who didn't want kids but had them.
Both those last two groups - wanted or didn't - shook out into three sub-groups:
A. People who were really happy they had kids.
B. People who said they didn't want kids, and were miserable about them.
C. People who either said they were happy or said that they were surprised how much they loved being a parent, but eventually made that drunken call late in the night where they said they tried and tried to be the happy parent, but they just couldn't stand it any longer and had to admit that it was hell.
Over the years more and more went from A and B to C. I never know what proportion would eventually convert, and worried that it would happen to almost everyone sooner or later. I knew that children are not returnable, and one can cause them a lot of pain and damage because they will find out sooner or later.
The final subgroup was the most shocking to me, though I don't think Ann Landers looked at it:
I never, ever, discussed the topic with a single person (though there are some in this thread) who CHOSE not to have kids and regretted it later.
Not one. Never. Ever.
I haven't had kids. I have never lied to anyone about not wanting them at any given point in my life. Only one lover in my life went on to have a kid later, and it was 16 years later. She loves that kid, but he is severely autistic and her husband died and left her with a tough row to hoe. She's never hinted she's unhappy, and she is smart and prosperous enough to do a good job at it. I am happy for her happiness.
Now, about to turn sixty when Leo hits the ecliptic azimuth, it's a bit pointless to still say, "never say never." There's not enough time to give a kid a decent start in life for me. I have no regrets.
And that's what I'd say to anyone: you are not any better or worse for choosing the life you want, male or female.
I am sad for anyone who makes a choice they are not happy with, and their kids in many cases. I know good kids and bad kids, and in all that time, the best kids and the best reason for having them came from a never-married woman who told me, "I was curious."
We don't know how to make good kids. We don't all agree on what IS a good kid. Somehow, through it all, good humans continue to happen. May we continue to let them.
SO - THE BOTTOM LINE: my "voice of experience" would go as far as to say
IF YOU DON'T AT LEAST REALLY WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN, *DON'T* UNTIL YOU REALLY FEEL SURE!!!
6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)