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 spunkybum52
Joined: 9/8/2009
Msg: 76
Childless menPage 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I don't think that failure is the right word... I think the words might be "selfish" and "guilt" and you are now probably reaping the consequences of your selfish life all these years. You had opporutnities but chose not to have children. You wanted a life of freedom, and thats what you CHOSE. It was your choice, and now you are regretting that you made those choices. It's not failure, its guilt of your selfish past. Sorry, but that's how I see it.

I have spoken to some friends that I know, and the man was the same. He wanted a free life and never wanted children. Now, in his late 50's, he regrets it and feels like he made the wrong choices. However he does accept it that he was selfish and has to live with the consequences and guilt. He is now married, but it is too late in life for him to have children.

Maybe you could marry a younger woman and start a family, but then keep in mind, that when your child is 20 years old... think of how old you will be and ask if that is fair on the child? Selfishness can now once again set in, and you may want a child now, but don't go having a child until you think about his/her life ahead and the consequences your older age might have on them and the impact it will have. Do you want to be really old when your child is 20 yrs old?
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 77
Childless men
Posted: 1/2/2010 12:46:26 AM
Hated being a kid
Not having them
Had it snipped when I turned 18
Looking at my friends that are all divorced, strapped with alimony, child support and questionable visitation ; no regrets.

Amazing how many women think that the end purpose to any relationship is kids. It is a sign, for me it is the exit sign out.
 daffie
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 78
Childless men
Posted: 1/2/2010 2:08:41 AM
...personally, i'd love to find a man with no kids....
for purely selfish reasons of course...

just the same, children aren't a cute accessory to have around for when ever you feel a bit down or inadequate...
once you have them they're forever...hopefully...and they present a lot of hard work, as well as continuing satisfaction as they grow up...

being a parent is not for us all...
indeed there should be a test on parenthood competance that has to be passed by all prospective parents before a child can be bought into this world...
if only...

since the original post was over 18 months ago obviously there are no children in the life of the op, as yet...
i wonder if he still feels the same way?...
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 79
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Childless men
Posted: 1/2/2010 3:24:47 AM
I'm truly sorry and sad about the abortion. It's actually a VERY common scenario, unfortunately.

A long time male friend of mine, who is 48, says that the thing he regrets the most in life, basically the ONLY thing that he regrets, is that he never married and had children. He's a bit of a workaholic, so there ya go. He says he keeps hoping a woman will knock on his door and tell him that he is the father of her child(ren). How sad and tragic to have gotten to that point in his thinking.

Even though I'm not happy about being married, then divorced, it definitely was worth it to have my wonderful "children". They are now 21 and 23 and both turned out great!

At your age, by the time you presumably meet a woman, fall in love (?), (get married?) and have a child, you would be pushing 50. Then at approx. 76 years of age (for the average, white, U.S. male) you will die. That means your child(ren) would be only 26 at your death. That's similar to the age that my father died (from lung cancer). That was 23 years ago and I STILL miss him and cry, sometimes. It SUCKS.

Even though I don't think it's a very good idea for 50 years olds to have babies since it's not fair to the children, it's your business. I would also consider adoption, offering to care for relatives children now and then, volunteering at local boys and girls clubs, coaching sports or other activities, etc.

Of course, another possibility is getting involved with a woman who already has children. Even if her children are older and you hit it off, there would probably be grandchildren in the future which would make you a grandpa at some point. What a joy THAT would be! I look forward to it!

Good luck!
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 80
Childless men
Posted: 1/5/2010 12:06:14 AM
At 48 he could still shoot and score with an appropriate fertile mertle.
Or he could adopt an 18 yo foreign exchange co-ed.... (was that my outside voice?)
 RonnieB77
Joined: 8/1/2009
Msg: 81
Childless men
Posted: 1/5/2010 7:41:56 AM
I would be very sad that she didn't even want to talk it over with me.
 Sharperchick
Joined: 9/10/2009
Msg: 82
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Childless men
Posted: 1/5/2010 1:24:32 PM
"Selfish?"

"Guilt?"

Why? All the admonitions about being fruitful and multiplying were at a time when we didn't have millions of hungry and neglected children all over the world.

I'm with the poster who says there are a bunch of boys (most likely in the OP's own town or county) who really, really need a good older male to talk to and do stuff with...

Check out being a Big Brother.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 83
Childless men
Posted: 1/5/2010 2:23:09 PM
Just as selfish to have children. We choose what we choose because that is what we really love. I really loved raising my children.. Still do it at my age but they are not human ones..
I show Persian cats and breed one litter a year to keep me in the show ring.. Up every 2 hours for the first 3 weeks to feed the babies to make sure they are getting enough..

thecatsmeoww
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 84
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Childless men
Posted: 1/5/2010 5:39:01 PM
I didn't read the whole thread, but if you want children, OP, why don't you find a woman who does, too? You're not too old to father them at 46, you know?
 daffie
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 85
Childless men
Posted: 1/5/2010 6:08:02 PM
...if this really tears at you it's not too late to father a child...

...in the meantime why don't you enquire about helping any one of the millions of homeless, parentless, disadvantaged children of this wonderful world?...
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 86
Childless men
Posted: 1/5/2010 8:28:49 PM
^^^What she said. There are way too many children in the world who were the product of lackadaisical, cultural and other circumstances...and we are obscenely overpopulated. Biological does not always make a family.
 whzcheatinwho
Joined: 4/8/2006
Msg: 87
Childless men
Posted: 1/5/2010 8:39:13 PM
Biology is just biology... it doesn't make you a father, it makes you a sperm donor. It's what's in your HEART that makes you a FATHER.
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 88
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Childless men
Posted: 1/5/2010 8:40:14 PM

Biological does not always make a family.


Holy carp Miss M! My ex is a living proof of that! I would laugh except it is really sad.

OP? We cannot define ourselves because we have had children or we have not. We are what we are. I was just sitting here thinking tonite that I have spent 22 years of my life caring for my children and still keep caring for them. Yet? When they have plans, I sit here alone if not for a date. The road of raising has been long, tough, yet loving and rewarding. Not sure what to tell you really. Except please, do not define yourself by having kids or not.
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 89
Childless men
Posted: 1/5/2010 8:46:35 PM
On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.


For you, Moonchild. The kids not being around means you did your job properly.
 DR_RUTHLESS
Joined: 11/2/2009
Msg: 90
Childless men
Posted: 1/6/2010 12:56:41 AM
want mine?
a lot of women don't want the luggage

The challenges will put you in therapy and by the time they will accept some one in your life you would be too old and near a grandfather

... would you prefer this?

Mine eat like horses, never do dishes or laundry, party and spend like drunken sailors, crash cars learning with exorbitant insurance premiums and tuition fees, they can brave talking back when frustrated or if you deny them liberties, and if you are not sharp and stable enough with the patience of Jobe, they can put you in therapy. please take them, I will pay you! careful what you pray for, I am having second doubts and may post them on Buy and Sell
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 91
Childless men
Posted: 1/6/2010 1:19:05 AM
Dr Ruthless, you don't know horror until you live with a 15-year-old girl.
She hung up twice in my ear today. I don't think she appreciates my parenting skills at the moment..
OP, the good doc has a point. All that money you've saved, all that time you spend devoting yourself to kids and there are no guarantees they'll want to speak to you once they reach adulthood.
One more point - remember the Phillip Larkin poem.It's inevitable we fvck up our kids to some extent. This way, you can always remain blameless.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 92
Childless men
Posted: 1/6/2010 2:52:47 AM

The challenges will put you in therapy and by the time they will accept some one in your life you would be too old and near a grandfather


In the case of death of their father certainly understandable. If one is sensitive one might well choose to wait until your children are out on their own.. Besides you avoid a whole lot of problems that could arise by trying to mesh two families..

thecatsmeoww
 Selima
Joined: 3/28/2009
Msg: 93
Childless men
Posted: 1/6/2010 2:56:48 AM

Mine eat like horses, never do dishes or laundry, party and spend like drunken sailors, crash cars learning with exorbitant insurance premiums and tuition fees, they can brave talking back when frustrated or if you deny them liberties, and if you are not sharp and stable enough with the patience of Jobe, they can put you in therapy. please take them, I will pay you! careful what you pray for, I am having second doubts and may post them on Buy and Sell
Pretty regular stuff for teenage boys. The legal drinking age where I am is 16. Why is it that when young people drink, they only think of it as getting drunk? If you could only send them away until they grow out of it. But, you'd miss them.
 daffie
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 94
Childless men
Posted: 1/6/2010 7:03:50 AM
...i always encouraged my "little darling" to bring all his friends home, so i wouldn't have to worry about him being on the streets...
...i thought i was doing a mavellous parenting job until i discovered the bong...

...at least i knew where he was...lol...
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 95
Childless men
Posted: 1/6/2010 9:08:31 AM

i always encouraged my "little darling" to bring all his friends home, so i wouldn't have to worry about him being on the streets...
...i thought i was doing a mavellous parenting job until i discovered the bong...
.at least i knew where he was...lol.


Like you I always encouraged my darlings to bring their friends home.. But with all the giggling and lauging that was going on I had to resort to staying out for hours in the barn..


thecatsmeoww
 WasabiGal
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 96
Childless men
Posted: 1/6/2010 10:38:01 AM
OP, if you have to stop with the "regrets" and "what-ifs". It's normal for people at mid-life to examine their lives. But you can't waste time bellyachin' about the past. And to think that you'd be happy and content today if only your ex-gf hadn't had an abortion is rather misguided.

So, you can't change the past, but what about your future? You have had the realization that you want to contribute to a child's life. There are lots of opportunities to do so, as have been mentioned. And there are lots of single mothers looking for dating partners and organizations looking for volunteers

and finally...you need to value what you do have in your life
 jeep1956
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 97
OP, you are having a mid life crisis
Posted: 1/6/2010 4:20:43 PM
Most guys want a sports car when they hit your age and you want a kid??

Are you CRAZY?

Anyone who has a kid in their 40's will likely be on social security when the kid graduates from high school.

Having grown up with NO father, having a kid at a late age is not fair to the kid.

And yo will be too old to be of use to the kid as far as teaching him lessions of life. All you are good for is being a wallet.
 TheNewDeal
Joined: 12/13/2009
Msg: 98
OP, you are having a mid life crisis
Posted: 1/6/2010 8:26:24 PM
I don't have any kids and never wanted any. I realize I don't have the patience to raise them. I am not a nurturer, although I'm an instructor, a trainer, a mentor, a guide. I just don't NURTURE.

I will point to the answers all day, but I don't care if people follow the directions and succeed. It's up to them.

I got the sports car and it's enough of a burden. Kids? I'm not that crazy.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 99
OP, you are having a mid life crisis
Posted: 1/7/2010 2:31:35 AM

I am not a nurturer, although I'm an instructor, a trainer, a mentor, a guide. I just don't NURTURE.


By the description above I do see you as being someone that does nurture. You just a different version of it..

thecatsmeoww
 lonelydavid77
Joined: 5/7/2007
Msg: 100
OP, you are having a mid life crisis
Posted: 1/7/2010 8:39:16 AM
Alas, to be an instructor, a trainer, a mentor, a guide with the added features of caring and love makes one a nurturer!

Many of us may, in this little quest of information, forget what we were like when we were children! I can recall my parents on many occasions not being too pleased with what I had done, and I can also remember the feelings when my own kids did similar things, perhaps it is our latent childhood memeories that many call upon to not want children. And in the same context, it is the love and caring that we want to administer to those that we didn't have some reason or another.

If we as adults still feel the need to nurture, there are many volunteering things that can be done, Big Brother, Boy Scouts, YMCA leader for groups of kids, then there are the other aspects as described by rearing and tending to animals, the one thing the animals do not do is talk back!! Oh they have their way of showing displeasure, but not quite as abrupt as a child.

If I could have another I think I would like to skip the ages of 13 -17 and 22-30 for hands on being a parent, those were the tough years, but I have to admit I learned the same amount as they did, and for that I am grateful.

It is kind of ironical, listening to my children conplain about what their kids are doing, how they deal with it and remember what we as parents did for them. The similarities are phenominal, so if you did things the right way, you will be imprinted upon your grandchilds memory, it may be as a mean ole' Ogre, but they will love you just the same or even more.
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