Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 abandonedbycupid
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 26
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?Page 2 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
OP... I understand where you're coming from. Some people (and I will admit to being guilty of this in the past) see something they want and try to figure out the quickest route to land it (subconciously). You can send all of the signals you want but really they are only hints and people will read into them what they choose. You're very pretty so men may try to snap you up quickly.

You could always try to outline your limits up front (as some posters suggested) but some Sesame Street explanation of your boundaries sounds pretty good written here in a forum but does not translate well to the real world of dating.

My advice is to let the hand holders find someone who yearns to have her hand held and move on to the fellows who can keep their hands to themselves.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 27
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 9:30:13 AM
Oh not that this is a game of one up...but I had a "gentleman" shove his tongue down my throat by leaping onto me within 7 minutes of meeting him. When I objected to his forward behavior, he said he felt it was important to know if we clicked.

We didn't.

I am a toucher. IF, IF I am into someone. I will touch an arm, bump him in a friendly, kidding manner - thus opening the door to say - "ok, I'm really digging who you are"

However, if I am NOT into him - if there's no connection at all? I am reserved and out of arm's reach.

There shouldn't be any mis-interpretation.
But occasionally (lung touching tongue guys!) don't get that?

Hold hands if YOU choose.
Or don't.

This is not the old days where it is wrong to state clearly what you're thinking and feeling. Hold your position and don't cave just because they whine.

If they do? They aren't the man for you, move on.
 Pink Rose Lady
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 28
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 9:40:02 AM
I've had this happen on a number of occasions and it kind of turns me off unless I really like the guy - but I want a little time to get to know him first before I make up my mind one way or the other. I think the guys are just testing the water to see what kind of a response they get, but they shouldn't rush into the touching stuff. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Pink
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 29
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 9:49:09 AM
Exactly Miashakti!


I think that I will insert long term behind exclusive and change my goal to long term.

gpsweetheart: I took your advice in message 33. Thank you, however it was the last three out of seven first meetings.

Well said...Abandoned by Cupid!


OP, it's called a "trial close" in sales. really, and if you pulled back, I'd just focus on having a polite dinner and conclude the evening and wish you well, and that would be the end of it.


Well they differed, so perhaps you could explain why all three expressed a desire to see me again? As a matter of fact, one wanted me to accompany him on an expensive outing, which I declined as I felt no chemistry. BTW, it was just drinks and an appetizer.


It's a non-threatening way to read your response to them, and if you pull back, that's an answer. It's all I'd need to know


What would you know? That I felt no chemistry and you wouldn't get sex on the day of the first meeting? If I were feeling chemistry with you...I still wouldn't hold your hand in 30 minutes, but show some respect for my personal space and you might find that I'm a very lonely and passionate lady....
 Boricua Papi
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 30
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 10:06:00 AM
So many "friends first" and much more free meals, restaurants and wine. These friends first are nuts. They can't even hold your hands in sign of affection and interest. Shirley just wants to be treated special and be spoiled by as many "friends first" as she can possible meet. Anyone said PLAYER?
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 31
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 10:44:47 AM
If you are going to post a response, ie: messages 60 and 63, I suggest that you read all of the posts in order to avoid looking stupid.
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 32
view profile
History
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 11:44:14 AM
OH MY GOODNESS!!!! They tried to hold your hand??

do they know where your hands have been??

ewwwwwwwww
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 33
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 12:57:42 PM
Wow...I thought that I enjoyed these forums in that the personal views of people who took the time to read the entire thread would offer insightful, informative and interesting opinions. It seems that I was wrong to a great degree.


tried to hold my hand at the table in the first half hour!


Has everyone forgotten or just didn't read the opening post, that I simply objected to hand holding with a stranger in the first 30 minutes of a first meeting?

I will not lead a man on by hand holding or any other mildly physical or intimate gesture, until I have determined that I am interested in pursuing an exclusive relationship with him. I consider that dishonest and insincere. Thirty minutes is not enough time. If a man is in such a hurry that he does not respect my personal space...then he loses...because I am worth getting to know and waiting for!

I give up on this thread. Carry on without me.
 EagleEric
Joined: 11/2/2006
Msg: 34
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 1:00:37 PM
I have never tried to hold a woman's hand on first meeting her; I would consider that rude. However, I have on a first date.

Yeah that would bother me too, but I don't expect any woman to grab my hand on a coffee date.

I'm not sure I understand your goal in meeting men. You aren't looking for long-term, you don't do one-nite stands, and friendship is expected first. Expected first for what? I think you need to clearly state what you are looking for.

The Eagle
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 35
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 1:05:23 PM
BTW...Herrbrush.

Thank you for that...from an attractive man with an intriguing profile. Too bad I'm in the wrong country and can't message you directly.
 EagleEric
Joined: 11/2/2006
Msg: 36
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 1:07:21 PM
BTW, could I hold your foot? I'd slap some Nivea on it and give it a good rub job. I'm sure it'd relieve all of your tension!

The Eagle
 exiss
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 37
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 2:15:12 PM
Wow..... why do I suddenly feel like a first meeting has turned into a job interview?
If I don't feel there is some kind of mutual attraction, I won't ask to meet. IMHO, if you don't want someone to try and hold your hand, keep your hands in your lap.
 FluffyBrain
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 38
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 2:56:18 PM
OP,
I fully understand where you're coming from. If you don't like the guys (as you stated were the cases), you certainly don't want them holding your hand (at any time!). If there's a mutual liking, then no need to rush. Thirty minutes into a first meet (assuming you barely knew them online prior to the meet) can be odd and awkward even if you like them. More normal would seem perhaps a gesture towards the END of a mutually great first (or second) meet or date. I would think if the mutual interest is really there, gestures can wait for at least that long! Regarding testing the waters, simple: ask her out on another date. Her response will tell you all you need to know!

Mary Poppins,
Sadly, one never knows what hand holding signifies. I always assume it is a sign of genuine interest. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. Earlier this year, I encountered a guy who was holding my hand and the like. I took it to be a sign of his genuine interest, which pleased me. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a gesture (one of several) meant to butter me up for sex on his part (long story). Moreover, it turned out he had no real interest in me and was simply attempting to use me (long story again...and, no, sex did not happen). I realize most men are not users, but there is no way of knowing who is and who isn't on a first meet (these types are often extremely believeable early on).

Renaissance,
I find your paradigm to be very black/white and very rigid. You're certainly entitled to your beliefs, but might I point out you're here/looking; which, tells me your strategy has not proven to be very effective thus far (you obviously have not yet been successful in finding "her").

Chelsea,
I do agree with your remark regarding some people twisting words; albeit, perhaps inadvertently, but they manage to do it, nevertheless.
 exiss
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 39
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 3:00:57 PM
Maybe in this era of safe sex, if the guy has the audacity to try and hold your hand he ought to be wearing a latex glove.......
 FluffyBrain
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 40
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:11:46 PM

That's how YOU feel that's how YOU are . Why do you find it so impossible to believe that not everyone in the world is exactly as you are? Why does it mean that If I don't feel comfortable withing 30 seconds with letting a stranger put his hands on me then this is why I am single. Sure if I was like you I would probably be a real whore and have sex with anything that moves, but I am not.


I agree with all but the "whore" comment. If I choose to drop my drawers in the middle of the busiest intersection in town (LOL assuming I'm not arrested), I have the confidence to do so without it affecting my self-esteem. In life, I am confident enough to run my own show any way I see fit (assuming it's within legal parameters, of course).

I also partially agree, in theory, with the poster who indicates he thinks people should "go with the flow." However, being practical, we cannot always simply "go with the flow" with absolute strangers. I'm not sure I wish to later find out I unwittingly had Jack the Ripper's hands all over me! (An extreme analogy to make a point.)

In other ways, however, I feel it's absolutely ridiculous to "rush" into anything in life...whether career, relationships, or whatever. I see absolutely nothing wrong (and, in fact, everything right) with a little planning and logical thought in life. To do otherwise strikes me as an "immediate gratification" type thing; which, strikes me as irresponsible, impulsive, and child-like.

In addition, as I previously stated, if the "chemistry" is truly there, a little time ain't gonna make it dissipate, so why not wait until the "relationship" has had a little more time to develop?!! (All good things are worth the wait!!)

I don't feel hand-holding per se is a huge deal, BUT it's somewhat presumptuous with a stranger within the first 30 minutes of meeting.


She's 30, so much younger, and has more than a few "issues", and I don't think of it in terms of "happily ever after". However, with reference to Dr. Mazlow, and his pyramid, I don't have an "unmet" need in the sexual area.


I certainly hope this has been thoroughly discussed with her and you're both on the same wavelength. (BTW, how is her age germaine to the issue?) Also, curious as to why your hand isn't sufficient to adequately meet your sexual needs?!


My paradigm isn't "rigid, except that I won't get involved with a controlling woman.

I see nothing "controlling" about responsibly reigning in one's impulses (whether carnal or otherwise) and acting accordingly. Actually, your presumption of "control" adds impetus to my original thought: you're a tad rigid in your thinking.


Truly, it makes me laugh out loud, every time I think of someone who has so many "issues" about physical intimacy, as to really worry about "holding hands".

As already stated, some of us see this as reigning in impulsivity and behaving responsibly. (I'm specifically referring to sex rather than hand-holding.)


I think most guys would read that as someone NOT TO DATE, but I understand that there are men out there, who will seem to put up with almost anything.

Difficult to equate responsibly delaying sex to "putting up with almost anything." Likewise, hard to fathom a simple desire for a stranger to refrain from touching one within 30 minutes of meeting as "putting up with almost anything."


I won't comment about self esteem issues, and dysfunction. It speaks for itself.

Again, a rigid, narrow view. You seem to be saying if a man or woman wishes to delay until better acquaintance has been made, then the man or woman is dysfunctional and has self-esteem issues. That just doesn't compute in my world. At any rate, your paradigm seems to work for you...and if it works, it works. It's just not for everyone.
 FluffyBrain
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 41
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:27:57 PM

Eg, dont mention going to your home unless you want them to hope for sex.


Eeeeek!!! Why does going to someone's house have to be equated with sex???? If I invite someone over for a drink, I mean a drink. It's not a euphemism for sex. If I want sex, I have no qualms about saying so. Why are people SO presumptuous??? Having made my point, I do understand YOUR point, sam...it's a very practical point in our current dating era. However, that does not stop my yearning for a sweeter, more innocent era (lol or did those not exist?!!!!).
 smileee4u
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 42
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 8:03:16 PM
They all want sex, but when you don't give it to them, they are glad. If you give it to them right away, they think WOW, just for a minute/// then, they think///wait a minute. She must sleep with ALL THE GUYS LIKE THIS. So, then they disrespect you. He was testing you, in order to see how far he could push you. If he gets sex, he will run for the hills.
 carelesswhisper00
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 43
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 8:12:31 PM
That would be a YES. I have met with some men and they seem to want to paw all over me. I am appalled by this behavior as they don't even know me. I wasn't making like a bee line for them either. Needless to say this can be a major turn off especially if you don't have some attraction but really what makes a man think he can conduct himself in this manner? Gets me.
 ck1time
Joined: 9/10/2005
Msg: 44
view profile
History
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 10:39:51 PM
^^^That's right, no harm done, OP. Just another proactive way to test the water. No biggie, unless electricity, or mental warmth, or tingle, or (your description here) fills your palm, then you Have to handle this one. Amen? Amen.
 Remington55
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 45
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 11:17:02 PM

Remington55 (Msg 29) ~ ...No, they are not needy & neither are you. It's just that you and they were expressing different personal expressions of love...

To which "surely_im_shirley (Msg 33) responded, "...Love in less than 30 minutes?...

emer33 (Msg 41) ~ ...NOT THE LANGUAGE OF love. HOW CONDESCENDING of you, Remington55 ! !...


I indicated that there were basically five love languages & that "Physical Contact" was one of them (Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, &
Physical Touch). These definitions are important in understanding your potential mate's love language. It has nothing to do with "love" in less than 30 minutes, it is the LANGUAGE. Also knowing the LOVE LANGUAGE is one thing, respecting boundaries & personal space is quite another. I stated earlier that you must define your boundaries & expectations right from the start. It was apparent that your potential date didn't know yours or his boundaries. It showed immaturity on his part. He was also not able or willing to read your verbal & non-verbal communication (body language) which you basically told him, "HANDS OFF!!!"

While it is important to understand your (love) language (aka effective communication), it is also important to understand the other four languages as well. That way when you meet someone, you can identify what (love) language they are speaking and respond accordingly. Knowing how to respond will enable you to express heartfelt commitment to one another (AGAIN, not within 30 minutes...)

Of course, you could take everything out of context and make it gender bashing & perhaps even say it is CONDESCENDING... or whatever.

As for Msg 64 (quote) ...If you are going to post a response, ie: messages 60 and 63, I suggest that you read all of the posts in order to avoid looking stupid... (unquote)
Now that was uncalled for, you're beginning to sound high maintenance (like Msg 41)...

**~Remington55~**
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 46
view profile
History
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/28/2008 10:47:54 AM
I'll agree that holding hands 30 minutes into a first meeting is a bit much.

But...

Everything in your profile that you are looking for a serious long-term relationship. Maybe you should change your profile a little bit.
 msflis
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 47
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/28/2008 10:56:55 AM

Hand holding doesn't lead to sex...last time I checked :)


Now I know what I've been doing wrong!

--Ms. Flis
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 48
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/28/2008 11:00:38 AM
I think holding hands at the table on a first meet is really awkward and I wouldn't like it either. To me, this gesture, while facing each other, sitting at a table is ultra-romantic, sensual and intimate.

A warm hug and maybe a kiss goodbye after a first meet... seems more appropriate to me.
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 49
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/28/2008 11:15:38 AM

friends first then friend forever

I agree with this. I don't think the attitude of getting to know someone is the same as friends as it would be with a romantic interest.

Taking it slow is ok, but going friends first to me seems there are no intentions of moving forward.
 Boricua Papi
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 50
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/28/2008 12:42:56 PM
TAKE ME TO EAT AT A GOOD RESTAURANT. PAY FOR EVERYTHING. BUT DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME OR HOLD MY HANDS, IT WILL BE JUST A FRIENDSHIP! MAYBE AFTER 5 DATES OF THESE DINNERS I WOULD LET YOU TOUCH MY INDEX FINGER!! PLAYER, PLAYERS!
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?