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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?      Home login  
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 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 51
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?Page 3 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

So, for me, the whole "holding hands" thing is really a concrete way to determine early on, whether it's a "yes" or a "no" to chemistry, and to get the "maybe" off the table.

OK, fair enough... This has never happened to me on first "meet" (not date) and maybe my "vision" of hand holding differs than others. And mine is more intense -- eyes gazing at each other across the candle-lit table -- kinda thing). But I suppose it would reveal any physical interest or not by the reaction and the guy should have good instincts to feel a good connection first.

Also, I don't email ad nauseum, don't do phone chats, so when I meet someone I don't have a preconceived "relationship" brewing.
 musiclifer
Joined: 9/24/2006
Msg: 52
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History
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/28/2008 4:17:24 PM
Many girls with legitimate complaints on here, especially the very desirable ones, are from Canada. I want to go there.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 53
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/28/2008 5:20:19 PM
Hello all. I am the OP. A long time back in this thread...I gave up. People respond without having read the entire thread...pick it up midstream and put their own twist on things. Its' a good thing that over the years, I have developed the ability to not get hurt or offended by people who aren't important to me. I originally stated on my profile that my goal was dating. After all, don't you need to date for a bit before you decide that someone is a long term possibility? Now I have changed it to long term, based on the recommendations of many who read my profile. Really, after all, that is my eventual goal. Dating is just the process necessary to achieve that.

Anyway...I have read all of the posts. Thank you all. For all those who claim that I am being ridiculous, its' a revelation that so many chose to respond.

The initial issue was that three consecutive men wanted to hold my hand within 30 minutes of the 1st meeting. That was 3 out of 7. I'm brand new to this whole internet dating thing. The 3 men involved will never know that I may have felt chemistry, and in fact, initially I did feel immediate chemistry with one. They all turned it off with too much, too soon. For those of you who feel that I am a user or a serial dater? Read my profile.

I have learned that there is no flattery in the fact that a man or a woman wants to rush things along...because if I don't pan out...the general basic attitude is Next which we have all read. I am completely capable of self satisfaction, which is preferable to feeling bad about myself in the morning because I disrespected myself by breaking my own rules. When Mr. Everything from the night before calls again, its' because he is looking for more great sex and not because he has learned to like me. I haven't reached the age of 47, without having had some prior experience.

I decided that I am worth getting to know, as is the man who I have agreed to meet. I am not so desperately needy for a relationship or sex, that I will encourage a virtual stranger by holding hands within 30 minutes. If I encourage someone, I have decided that intimacy is an option I can envision and believe that I would enjoy. I will give that man the appropriate, easily readable signals, but I need more time than 30 minutes! That would very likely happen in the first meeting, however its' very unlikely that sex would happen that same day. I try not to impulse shop in a grocery store, and I most certainly will attempt to not give in to the impulse to sleep with a stranger, as much as I would like to sometimes. Anything worth having after all, is worth waiting for. Once we are intimate, it is because I have already decided that the man is a relationship possibility. If we progress to long term...its' because I feel that our friendship is 'first and foremost'...the definition of friendship being that I would trust that person with my deepest, darkest confidences and trust that they would go no further, even in the case of our separation.

I've never really spelled out my feelings on this topic before. They just really evolved without my even being aware of it and this thread clarified the issues.

Anyway...thanks again everyone. This was my first new thread that wasn't deleted by the community for whatever reason. Its' been very interesting. There are some very nice people on this POF, and then again...some not. Thats' life.

Take care and good luck fishing!!!!
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 54
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/28/2008 7:01:31 PM
The main problem most posters had with your post is the fact that your profile totally contradicts your true personality on a date. Your profile makes you sound wild.... but you play pollyanna on the date. Too wishy washy and confusing to men.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 55
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/28/2008 7:09:57 PM

The main problem most posters had with your post is the fact that your profile totally contradicts your true personality on a date. Your profile makes you sound wild.... but you play pollyanna on the date.


Wow...that is quite an assumption. Care to back it up?
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 56
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/28/2008 7:32:43 PM
Naaaah..................If you havent got the jist of it by now .........after all of these pages and posts from different people telling you the same thing over and over..........You never will. B.T. W. ....... Not an assumption at all...merely a fact!
 Double Cabin
Joined: 11/29/2004
Msg: 57
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History
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/28/2008 8:54:23 PM
"I don't care who is looking for what! It is inappropriate on a first meeting for a guy to try and get romantic. That means kissing, groping, or even hand holding. Good lord, why do people have to be so desperate? You don't even know each other!"
____________________________________________________________

Wow, Snakewhisperer. To not have met someone and had an explosive, instantaneous, and undeniable attraction is a very sad thing in life. You want to know what's innappropriate? It's innappropriate to think contrived insitutions of man are always the default course of action. What happened to just being men and women? Praise be proverbial God we are a Constitutional Republic and not a Biblical Theocracy. Appropriate? LOL.

If someone makes what you consider innappropriate advances stop them. If you communicate no need to come here and try and validate. Just do it.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 58
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/29/2008 6:01:17 AM

My opinion. It is a bit contradictory and does give a mixed signal.


Aries....thank you so much for your polite and well worded opinion. Out of many messages, only one was disrepectful with a sexual innuendo. I therefore don't think my profile painted me as "wild", as someone else suggested. I could see, however that you might be right in that it may send some mixed signals. I therefore made some changes in the first date section.

I also sent my profile to the review section a few days ago, and specifically asked if it was contradictory. The consensus was that it was not although I got some other good advice.
 Boricua Papi
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 59
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/29/2008 6:24:57 AM
Shirley,

you are a serial dater and a player of men. How many minutes did you talk or chat with these men before you met them in person. Surely it were more than 30 minutes. After 30 minutes of eating food at their expense, you get mad because they hold your hand?? Women like you don't deserve anything, no dinner, no consideration at all. You insult us men by saying that holding a woman's hand after meeting her in person from online is being "needy". You are just playing with those men you meet. If you just want friendhip first why don't you tell them to meet you at a park or outside retrieve? Why it has to be a "dinner" at their expense. Just to take advantage of these men's kindness. Holding a woman's hand is a sign of interest and affection, not a prelude for sex. You are paranoic. Do us a favor and leave POF and stop playing, this site is for serious dating and relationships, not to play with men's feelings or insult the male gender based on your prejudices about dating.
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 60
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/29/2008 7:07:27 AM

I therefore don't think my profile painted me as "wild", as someone else suggested


Sure it did. It doesn't now because you changed it. Now if a guy tries to touch you on a first date........you actually have a legitimate complaint. Before the changes........not so much.
 edster1224
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 61
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/29/2008 7:16:19 AM
It sounded like a romantic gesture to me. While it sounds like it was a bit too sudden, I really like it if a woman holds my hand, even if it is on the first date. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic. Ahhh!

Ed
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 62
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/29/2008 7:39:55 AM

you are a serial dater and a player of men.


)+%&@!!!...for lack of a first name. I refer to your messages 24, 60, 146 and 180, should anyone else be interested.

The request on my original post was not:
JUDGE ME AS A PERSON. I am not surprised that your profile was deleted previously by POF. Extreme rudeness is not tolerated.

It was also not about your apparent lacks of funds as you bring this matter up in each of your posts. Sorry you're broke, by the way.

I have asked more than once on this thread, why people who post, don't take the time to read the entire thread in order to avoid making assumptions and therefore appear to be stupid. I was referring to you. See message 64.

Since my first post, I have clarified many items on these posts.
I will condense these items for you as you appear to be somewhat challenged. No offense intended.

1/ Because the weather was nice, each of my 7 FIRST MEETINGS were on an outside patio where we each had a drink , and a couple of times, shared an appetizer. They were hungry. I had already eaten as meeting times were scheduled mid afternoon or after dinner. Although they were nice men, and conversation was good, there was no chemistry for me. I have not yet met a man I cared to go on a DATE with. Are seven first meets considered serial dating?

2/ I have changed my specs to longterm and explained my reasoning for the original date spec... . I would expect to date a man several times before determining if I want to pursue an LTR which is my my eventual goal.

3/ I have pointed out that my profile says that I am independant and I pay my own way. I also explained that I have tried to pay my share, and all offers were declined. That was their choice. I have also said that I did leave a nice tip.

4/ I have said more than once that my objection was that they invaded my personal space by not asking if they could take my hand, being as we were virtual strangers.

5/ I never commented once, that hand holding was a prelude to sex, although others made that assumption.

6/ I have reminded people that the issue was if anyone else objected to handholding in the first 30 minutes of a FIRST MEETING.

7/ I also asked if this indicated a man who was needy. Legitimate question. Why the big hurry after all on a first meeting? I never once accused him of pursuing sex.

8/ I have changed my first date specifications due to comments that it was contradictory and may have sent mixed signals. This was only two messages above yours. You obviously don't read the other posts. Perhaps you think yours is the only one that matters.

Again....please read the entire thread, and remember that this is not a forum for making accusations and judgements about people who express their feelings and opinions on a stated topic, but simply a place where you can express your own opinion on the SUBJECT AT HAND.

Its' very possible I suppose... that you won't read this post either. Oh well...I tried to help. I'm sure that everyone will give you a break. Not everyone can manage reading these simple posts.

And for all of you who have commented that the original question was ridiculous, and you will know who you are...I notice that you were an ongoing, willing participant in the eight pages of posts submitted.

Thank you very much for all of your insights with the exception of a few, and I think you know who you are too.
 ~1happywoman~
Joined: 9/20/2006
Msg: 63
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/29/2008 7:58:11 AM
I guess I am just a hand-holding whore. I have been a nurse for a long time, as well as a mom and a wife. You have to learn to "read" people, when it comes to touching, as well as being touched. I've held the hands of people who were barely conscious during a cardiac arrest, and had them tell me later they remembered that. There is one guy in my truck driving class who is a toucher - likes to put his hand on my shoulder or arm. I understand that is just the kind of person he is, and he doesn't mean anything more by it. I am not offended by it. I have hugged some men the first time on meeting, others a polite "hello, nice to meet you." with not even a handshake. There is a give and take of energy, whether you believe that or not. Some people just don't like to be touched and I respect that. Maybe it's something I learned in kindergarten, but as I read the responses to this thread, I just wanted to roll my eyes and say "grow up" because there are so many things that are far more important.

I am leaving this country in less than a week to be with my partner - and we hugged the first time we met, and it just felt right. I would have missed out on something so wonderful had I been "hands off" that day. (But then, ho that I am, I had given him my phone number, actually talked to him and met him - all within 24 hours of first hearing from him!) I guess I missed the memo on being "afraid" of meeting men, too.
 Boricua Papi
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 64
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/29/2008 1:01:37 PM
Why are you in a "dating site"? Why having a profile inviting men for " dinner" "companionship", etc, etc.!
If you just want to meet guys as friends first aren't myspace, facebook and other sites better than this one? Why insulting the entire male gender just because a couple of gentlemen you met holded(or wanted to hold) your hand??
State your preferences when you first see them! : No hand holding.....No touching me....No restaurants....Absulutely I will pay my own share, no negotiations allowed....This is just friendship.....Don't get any expectations with me....No kissing...If you are hungry you eat, I won't....I don't want you to pay anything for me....Talk only....Keep your distance.....

All that calculated meeting or dating or whatever thing you are into is so childish. Yes, we know the old motto "friends first", but I have never heard "multiple-every weekend-night-day-eveing-dinners-different men friends first"



This discussion is so naive and childish I better stop posting my opinions.

P.S. When I first registered I never participated in forums, nor had any controversial picture or line on my profile. But my profile got deleted. Well I'm back thanks!

Good luck Shirley.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 65
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/29/2008 7:46:36 PM

I guess I am just a hand-holding whore.


????????????????????????????????????????????????

Glad you explained that.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 66
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/30/2008 8:06:53 AM

So Shirley, what are you doing Friday night? Want to go out and hold hands?


NOTICE OF POLICY CHANGE:
I advise all handholders that I will produce my hand for holding, exactly one hour after we first meet...provided I am still there. In 1& 1/2 hour, you may hold both of my hands. In 2 hours, well....I guess I'm up for grabs. I will bring a bill board with these instructions and a stop watch to each first meet, so that there is no misunderstanding.

Thank you....the handholdee.

There... see? These forums are very helpful. Is verybody happy?
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 67
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/30/2008 5:35:38 PM

So, they grabbed your hand. Of course, if this fella was cute as day, and took you out to a fine restaurant, and wined you and dined you, and brought flowers to your door, and sat there and let you talk, and responded back appropriately, etc., etc., and the date went just the way you wanted...you would want him to hold your hand.


That sounds lovely....did all of that really happen in the first 30 minutes of a 1st meeting? That guy is cute and all of that too? Damn right...I would let him hold my hand!!!!!

To Sweethang100/ I don't know which message or messages you were responding to but...if I were as selective, old fashioned and as religious as your profile claims that you are...I would probably wait for all of that until I met 'the ONE' who will understand. Of course however...we are all just looking for the non-existant PERFECT mate.

I was told my profile was contradictory and sent mixed signals so I changed it as is documented in this thread. I would strongly suggest that you review yours. I think what I mean in simple terms, is that you should put your money where your mouth is.
I wouldn't normally respond to an individual poster this way after only one post...to my knowledge but I think that you asked for it. No offense intended.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 68
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/30/2008 6:23:50 PM
Attention: Renaissance Man


Momark put this rather well. The "dominant mindset" of the fora does not reflect the reality of most people. It's interesting, as it is to watch an episode of "Cops", to realize that there is a significant sub-culture that one doesn't encounter in the normal course of life.


For those of you who don't know...Momark is a deceased member of City-Data forum.com. who apparently had the time make close to 3,000 posts by the age of 44.
Fora is the plural of forum. I had to look these up.


Most people are normal people.


I'm a little insulted by anyone who states that my reality may be a sub-culture, not encountered in the normal course of life, and only as interesting as an episode of "Cops". Did I misunderstand this somehow? I am only a normal person.

Although your frequent posts are insightful and impressive, they are probably not understood by the other normal people on these posts. Granted, we all have a right to our opinions, including you of course , except that this thread relates to:

hand holding at a first meeting, and are the men who attempt this, needy?

I for one, am in the habit of prefacing my stated opinions, unless they deal entirely with my own experience and first hand knowledge, with an 'I think', or 'I believe', because I am not an expert and do not wish appear that I think I am. I would be very interested to know what your credentials might be. I find your insights interesting and sometimes controversial, and often off topic, but I would like to know if you can substantiate them or if they are simply opinions. Your profile states that you have a Bachelors Degree. I believe then, that you must have specialized in a certain field and written a thesis? What was your specialty, if you'll pardon my question?


Then, there are the fora........


Out of context perhaps, but what exactly do you mean by this? Perhaps it would be in order for you to start a new thread so that we can be educated.

I mean no disrespect or offense. I'm just a little confused by what appears to be written as gospel truths and their credibility.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 69
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/30/2008 7:01:11 PM

these guys are needy and should get a dog if they want to be that "touchy, feely" with me on a first, second or fourth date.



I'm trying to visualize the kind of guy, who would be on a fourth date with that dynamic.


My Dad...Your Dad? Lots of people's Dads?

My parents were married 45 years.

How many people do you know in this day and age with those dynamics?
 blondago56
Joined: 8/21/2004
Msg: 70
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History
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/30/2008 7:58:52 PM
Renaissance Man, i agree with your posts, esp. 205 & 210... *sigh* i also agree with a few other posters...however, it is quite apparent there are a couple 'uptight, won't budge-an-inch' opinions here...sad, really because it defeats the purpose of 'Dating'....the honest to goodness getting to know someone with BOTH common sense and humanity...it is hand-holding, Not assault......
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 71
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/30/2008 8:34:10 PM

If there's chemistry, that has often led to sex right away, and then to a relationship.


In an earlier post, I stated that I had never accused the hand holder for expecting sex. I may have been wrong not to do so. It seems by reading these posts, that some believe that a woman's reluctance to hold hands with a stranger in the first 30 minutes of meeting is an indication that no chemistry exists and therefore that sex won't be forthcoming any time soon, if ever. Apparently, this is body language. That woman, although comfortable with meeting new people and is a good conversationalist, is very new to the concept of meeting strangers for a possible relationship, and is anxious not to create any premature impressions. Some of you scoff that hand holding is an invasion, but had you been more patient, and not have invaded her personal space so quickly in your desire to read her body language, you may have been pleasantly surprised...if not that night...soon. At least that woman could have gone home and considered all of the ways that you respected her and how much she enjoyed meeting you. You forced her to make an immediate decision based on her discomfort at your assumed right to touch her, without asking, so soon, being entirely aware of the double standards, in a manner she has only ever experienced with a lover, a very close friend, or a child. For some people, internet dating is a whole new world.

I think the quote above says it all, in addition to the self admitted fact that the poster has been on hundreds of dates. Oh God...please save me from that! I, and a lot of other people, both men and women who have responded to this thread, prefer to get to know someone before the sex, and not mislead them by encouraging any physical contact before they have decided how they feel about this person. Imagine if I had allowed this hand holding, a couple of kisses, and then said No thanks. I don't like confusing people that way. I wouldn't like it. Obviously, many people think differently. Thats' OK. It makes the world go round. I don't know why this has incensed so many people. It a question of individuality and the right to make a personal choice, isn't it?

Good night all.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 72
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 4/14/2010 11:38:13 AM
So...I've re-read the thread. Entertaining; yes. Circular; yes. So many people missing the point. It was a first meeting, not a date. Surely most people need more than 20 minutes to decide if they will encourage a physical relationship. So amazing to realize that there are those who don't. Oh well. Such is life. Different strokes for different folks. C'est la vie.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 73
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History
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 4/14/2010 12:09:18 PM

Surely most people need more than 20 minutes to decide if they will encourage a physical relationship.

if simply holding hands is such a slippery slope, how do you manage to get to the meeting-in-person stage? after all, if you meet them once, it opens the door to meeting them again. and again. before you know it, you're married and have bought a house and had children with someone and YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THEM!! AIEEEE!
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 74
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 4/14/2010 1:05:13 PM
I've not read the whole thread...only the opening op.
This has been done in other forms...ie...he wanted to
kiss me/hug me/hold my hand and we just met...arrrrrgggghhhh!

I can honestly say, I've never been offended by someone
I was attracted to kissing me, hugging me or attempting to hold
my hand. I can also ALWAYS tell immediately upon meeting
someone if they are someone I can see myself with. If not, then
I'm more cautious about proceeding...and I do have that well
let's wait and see attitude about it.

If I can see myself with that person?...I have no problem with
these small tokens of intimacy. I've gone for walks holding hands
with people I've just met, I've received hello hugs and goodbye
kisses from these people.

I don't consider holding hands, kisses and hugs as letters of intent
or marriage proposals. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, a hug is just
a hug...and holding hands is just...holding hands.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 75
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 4/14/2010 2:52:41 PM
Unless he has a horrible contagious looking skin disease, hands are not a big deal..Lordy..

What if every man you met wanted to stroke your hair?..The nerve of men sheesh.
Hair is a sensual thing compared to hands IMO. So you get off lucky.

I could get them caught up in my hair a day or two.
It's like I am a cat to pet.

Gawd hands are the most innocent things in the world, but if you don't want to..tell them to back off or you will throat punch them..

I as a woman like to give the signal what is OK with me..Seems you should sit on your hands or keep them in your lap if that bothers you.

No man is going to pull your hands from under your butt.
Problem solved..be a hand sitter.

I guess I'll start putting vaseline in my hair.

I tell them up front if the e mails say I loooooove your hair. No hair mauling first date. I am a lady dam it!!
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