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 untamed one
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 2
Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Intermittent = sporadic
Intermitten = Guys who let their Moms sew their mittens to the sleeves
 boutenuf
Joined: 5/9/2008
Msg: 8
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Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 8/1/2008 11:18:50 AM
I see Intermitten Reinforcement as nothing more than a huge game being played. Once this starts I am gone.
 boutenuf
Joined: 5/9/2008
Msg: 10
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Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 8/2/2008 4:11:37 AM
So that the mittens sewn on his sleeves should have been my first clue? I just thought they were cute and he loved his mama. DAMN, I learn something new everyday, now I am on MITTEN ALERT!
 tootsie-22
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 17
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Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 8/2/2008 6:18:14 AM
ok..I didn't read all the post but Iknow I could be accused of this..but I travel 15 -20 days a month..i am not always in town..and I will read an e-mail..be interested and then life takes over and I might get back to them in a month..if they are that impatient then I am not for them..if they see it as game playing then they need to move on..if they are interested in someone who has a life and when we do get together I will be there 200% then they need to wait... and maybe write a bit more..and not always expect an even exchange of e-mail..but know that when I do get an e-mail from them it puts a smile on my face..
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 24
Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 8/2/2008 9:28:30 AM
Never heard of the term. But one of the most intense emotions you can have for another person is "missing them". Add to that the fact that most women can't stand a man that is all over them and that most people covet what they can't have and you have a very powerful formula that is indeed very, very effective. The thing is, that you can say that you were "Played" but in a way, you simply allowed it to happen.

Now guys who understand the approach know there's a moment to walk away so the woman now has to do some chasing or start revealing some of her cards. The guy does it to determine if this woman is going to be a waste of time, or whether she will be worth his efforts.

So, I am sorry the way this happened to you left you hurt, but what would you rather have now, some cliggy guy pester you until you are sick of him?
 spiderette
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 28
Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 8/3/2008 10:49:33 AM
op: it's a very well known term in psychology circles...and it's highly effective (much more so than continuous reinforcement).

i highly doubt most average people are sophisticated enough to PLAN such a thing. however, i DO think people often DO it inadvertently...via reeling the 'victim' (lol) in when the 'player' senses the 'victim' is about to give up (and the 'player' never having heard the psychology term, yet executing it brilliantly via a 6th sense).

basically, if you're receiving mixed signals, the other person is not that into you. however, when one is in the middle of it, that's difficult to see clearly. afterall, there's a certain level of trust (albeit not as much as it should be) with this person and often the 'explanations' and 'behavior' seem valid at times, invalid at other times...leading to much confusion. difficult to let go if you think the other person might really, really like you, afterall. nothing at all to do with not *wanting* to see the truth (as so many posters erroneously think). the 'victim' simply cannot SEE the truth. hence, all the requests for 'closure'...people simply want to *know* one way or the other. unfortunately, the 'players' are not going tell the truth. (why give up a 'back burner'?)
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 29
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Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 8/3/2008 10:59:21 AM
Intermittent = sporadic
Intermitten = Guys who let their Moms sew their mittens to the sleeves





LOL (literally this time)! My favourite post today!


Link the articles please about this intermittent reinforcement. Sounds interesting. But I think it just comes down to attraction. I can obsess about someone attractive even if he isn't leading me on at all. (in other words, don't lose sight of personal responsibility and tendencies of your own personality type).
 spiderette
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 30
Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 8/3/2008 11:06:11 AM
p.s. there's a definite distinction between 'players' and people who simply use this technique to generate *real* interest. *initial* attraction (assuming basic physical attraction and what have you) and courtship is based on a bit of mystery and chasing (until cemented...and that takes a little oxytocin and the like...over time). also, as one poster aptly mentioned, people want what they can't have (another classic in psychology). the catch is: if too far out of reach, people will give up. btw, that's what eventually happens when people disappear without a word...the person who wanted the 'relationship' eventually figures it's too far out of reach and gives up. unfortunately, there's a lot of unnecessary 'agony' (wondering, etc.) before one gets to that point. this is precisely *why* it would so nice if those people who are truly nice people (ie not 'players') would simply tell the other person, "sorry, i'm not interested." it's truly much, much kinder than leaving someone hanging and wondering for weeks on end!
 spiderette
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 33
Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 8/3/2008 1:32:56 PM

Others define "players" as those who "play the field", most often referring to men, who have a lot of brief sexual encounters, and women who date a lot of men, without getting "involved" with anyone, while they are "courted" by several.


1950: i have no problem with men/women who do this as long as they are not deceiving their dates. they become players only when they are dishonest. i think there are varying degrees of 'players'. some, as you describe (dysfunctional, etc.) and others who are quite functional, but very dishonest. more power to people who date or have sex with (if that's their choosing) a lot of people - as long as they're not intentionally misleading their 'dates' in some fashion.
 SomeBabe
Joined: 7/21/2008
Msg: 34
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Who uses Intermittent Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 8/3/2008 9:15:17 PM
This is very interesting to say the least. Thank you so much for posting this and to the brilliant people who have so articulately described the "phenomenon." This thread should prove very helpful to a lot of people.

My take on the whole thing is that we should not try to read into things what we don't clarify with the other person. There are people who are dishonest, of course. Those people you really don't want to continue a relationship of any kind with anyway, so why not find out who they are and weed them out to begin with? If you ask someone a reasonable question and they seem "put off" or offended or they avoid answering at all costs, beware. It all boils down to communication and each person's uniqueness. We are all different, come from different backgrounds and situations and we all have different filters in our thought process. Why complicate it all by adding a label to the way we communicate? I think to imply that people consciously deceive other people in this way is giving them too much credit for being more intelligent than they really are. Not that I haven't found some very intelligent people on here because they are here! Yes, the "players" are losers. No, they are not intelligent. Nobody deserves to be deceived intentionally. And you owe it to yourself to keep your eyes open and take care of yourself by recognizing when you are really being played.

I figure if it takes someone months to reach the point where they end their "game" with me, it either means something is wrong because I chose not to see it coming, or I am very smart and a really big challenge. In any event, I figure if I can still learn.....I'm not dead yet, and I'm still in the game! LOL
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 35
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Who uses Intermittent Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 8/3/2008 9:34:14 PM
Very enlightening thread…I’ve never heard of Intermittent Reinforcement before tonight, but it seems likely that I may have been a victim of something akin to this in the recent past. Unfortunately I’ll never be able to say for certain.

While I don’t doubt though that something like this plays out everyday on POF; I feel one can also quickly make a huge leap here (in error) and not consider more likely reasons for the inconstancy…that feeling of hot/cold between folks.

I know for me that sometimes an established pattern of communication can be thrown out the window to deal with competing priorities and I may need to scale back contact a bit…While the resultant hot/cold thing could feel suspect to some, it’s always explainable.

I especially liked what nature watcher contributed:
“Never attribute to malice what can be attributed to incompetence.”

“If everybody who ever mistreated another did so intentionally, what a miserable and scary world it would be. Inconsistent behaviour is much more probably a result of inconsistent thought.”
 Xcen
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 40
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Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 9/29/2008 1:18:52 PM
Ah yes, Ole Doc Skinner (and the light bulb comes on)
OK, the running summary so far is:
Intermittent Reinforcement =
crumb throwing/living on crumbs =
stringing you along =
false hope conditioning =
missing you behavior =
not getting permanently involved =
try a little harder =
misguided hope mechanism::::::::

whew, now I know what to call her behavior and I thought she just had Borderline Personality Disorder
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 41
Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 9/29/2008 2:10:15 PM
Here we go again. Another thread in which women call whatever a guy did to them and then dump them, a player. Interestingly enough 90 percent of these definitions after you hear all the guys supposedly do are the perfect descriptions of needy, wossy guys.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 52
Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 9/30/2008 4:59:10 PM
OMG! There's a name for this?

Wow.

A light bulb just exploded in Iowa.
Duck and cover people!
 Riick
Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 54
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Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 9/30/2008 7:05:17 PM
DUH...!
Psychology 1 (Not even 101)
... So old that I learned about it when it was still **under discussion**, and BF Skinner was still kickin'.
So... how fast do YOU get addicted to slot machines?? , 'they're probably the ultimate example of variable-ratio reinforcement.
If you get addicted to slots, then you're wide open lovers doing it to you as well, but folks... the **positive** reinforcement needs to be there, the occasional kind word just is not enough.
And trust me, it doesn't work at all when sometimes the food you cook is great, and sometimes it's lousy.
>
 cortchubby
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 60
Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 9/30/2008 8:35:01 PM
intermittent Reinforcement?


Its like this if youu (or who you desire) has to resort to head games to get the point across it is no longer a relationship IT IS A SICK GAME.

THAT gentle enough for your fragile self?

Dr Phyll
 Bella Vamp
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 64
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Who uses Intermitten Reinforcement in dating and online dating?
Posted: 9/30/2008 9:02:11 PM
Thank you for this post. I see so much of this in the guys I've dated and what I accept from them that none of the people that care about me can understand. They say I accept a fraction of what I'm worth, and in the end make excuses for their unacceptable behavior. These "men" are highly intelligent and I have no doubt now that I myself, a very smart but emotionally starved woman have fallen victim. I really hope I can take this lesson and apply it to my my future relationships and no longer accept this horrible treatment. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.
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