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Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 154
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?Page 3 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
What's "divorced" got to do with it? There are plenty of emotional zombies running around looking to feed on your weaknesses.
 hard starboard
Joined: 6/21/2008
Msg: 157
view profile
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 8/15/2008 3:25:33 PM
Msg 28

I've only dated and had sex with strippers, escorts, and amateur pornstars for the past decade...

Msg 152

50 years ago, the OP's views would have been normal. It was normal to have morals and values back then.

 Soul Union
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 159
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 8/15/2008 3:35:10 PM
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods? - GapeMan

You say in your profile that you are "a proud home owner." Is your home brand new, built especially for you? Or has someone else lived in it? Is it pre-loved? And did the owners sell it for a higher price than they paid for it? If so, it has increased in value.

What I am saying is that because someone has been married it does not make them 'damaged' in any way, no more so than a house or a car. If I sat down at a grand piano, say a beautiful big Bösendorfer, would the sonata I played be any less sweet because the piano has been owned before? It is how you care for what you have that matters - what thoughts you invest.

Finally, calling people damaged goods is, in my opinion, not only erroneous but stupid. Is the English actress Elizabeth Taylor or the Scottish actor Sean Connery damaged goods? I don't think they would describe themselves that way. But as long as you hold on to this unhelpful belief, that people wear the label 'damaged goods' just because they have been married, you are, to use your own term, a poor judge of character.

All weddings are similar, but every marriage is different.

- John Peter Berger (Art critic, novelist, painter)

Good luck to you.

- Peter
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 166
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 8/15/2008 4:30:12 PM
Anybody else suddenly find themselves wanting to claim they're divorced even when they're not...?

--Ms. Flis
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 176
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 8/29/2008 3:32:00 PM
Gapeman, at your age, you could make an argument that the ones who are single too long are "damaged goods" too.

Can't date the unmarried ones, can't date the divorced ones.

Guess that leaves you dating married women.
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 182
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 8/29/2008 4:56:07 PM

Gapeman says: I guess my words are too harsh with the "damaged goods" thing, but in reality I just feel sorry for girls like you because you are now cut off from guys like me.

( )
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 184
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 8/29/2008 5:17:29 PM
Seems to me that everyone who is not married with 2.5 kids and a house with a white picket fence is damaged.
OP does this mean you want to be a home wrecker?
I think someone who looked at things this way would not be worth damaging. LOL They just dont have very good problem solving skills since they dont have and have never had any problems.
Wonder if the ones that are living this life are PERFECT, hmm I have known quiet a few with very bad issues.
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 189
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Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 8/29/2008 6:55:03 PM
I'm not thrilled to say I've been divorced twice. Never thought I'd ever wind up divorced and then twice, so I always take a deep breath when I fess up. While my girls are now both over 18, I never expected the 2nd husband or even anyone I dated to "raise" my children. I never fought with my ex about my daughter, we had an obligation to raise her and we did, a very good job too, I might add.

I'd date someone who was divorced, even when I was younger in between marriages I'd date someone who was divorced. I wouldn't judge, because unless you walk in their shoes, you don't know the real story.

I've always been a person committed to making a relationship work but it's a 2-way street.

So, no damaged goods in my book, as long as you learned and grew from the relationship, you're good in my book!
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 190
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 8/29/2008 8:12:00 PM
My best relationship to date was with a divorced man. His experience led him to figure out what he did and didn't want in a relationship, and had helped him develop excellent communication skills, largely because he had a high degree of self-knowledge and an unwillingness to settle for a situation where his needs weren't being met.

I wouldn't date anyone who felt wounded as the result of a divorce or the ending of any other relationship. My criteria involve open communication, self-awareness, and honesty, and sometimes these things grow out of experience.

And why think of people as "goods" in the first place? Ick.
Joined: 9/1/2008
Msg: 191
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/6/2008 10:49:24 PM
Ive replied to one of your posts before. Im starting to think you're a d!ck. Young people who have been divoced are not damaged goods. They just married before they knew who they were and when they grew up, they realized they were bad for each other. You cant say all divorced people are damaged goods. If anything the majority of them are more ready to be in a relationship because they know what is that they want and dont want. And as far as a woman with a kid being ruined in your eyes. Thats great cause who needs a d!ck like you raising their kids. This coming from a single parent of one. And the "minority" isnt the men who would raise another mans child, because couples adopt, men remarry, and women get sperm doners, the "minority" of men are men like you who are not men at all. Because weather or not the child is yours children need love, and affection. And if you are too stupid to know that, then who needs you anyway.
Joined: 4/11/2008
Msg: 193
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/6/2008 11:24:02 PM
OP reading your posting history tells me you think most women are ruined. I mean seriously - nice comment about your own mother. Also the thing about not calling again if you get what you want on the first date.

Please don't breed, do the world a favor ok.?

My ex and I are very good friends and our sons are incredible gifts. A reminder of the good in both of us. I wouldn't WANT to erase that. Sorry you feel so low about yourself and your relationship with your own mother but that's you, not everyone else.
Joined: 12/15/2006
Msg: 195
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/7/2008 12:35:49 AM
I totally understand your perpective, flawed as it may be, I DO get you. First thing, the older you get, the likelyhood of you being involved with a woman who has children dramaticaly increases. That is unless you plan on dating women no older than 23 for the rest of your life. Second thing: Young people often do really stupid things. I did, you did, we ALL did. Sometimes getting married is one of those stupid things that young people do for various reasons. In a good many instances when these marriages fail, it's often because the couple hasn't lived their own individual lives long enough to truly develop their own individual identities. As they grow, unfortunately, sometimes they grow in different directions. Divorce does change a person. I'm speaking from experience, having been divorced myself. If a person is 'damaged' from that, which CERTAINLY can happen. It's says more about the character of that individual person, than the divorce itself. It shows that they were probably fragile beings to start off with. I'm not the same after my divorce to be sure, but for the better. I'm wiser, less judgement (take that as a cue young man), and I found out that I'm emotionally stronger that I thought I was. Do I have scars? Oh yes!! But I've learned not to live in bitterness. Do I have regrets? Unlike most women who tout that they don't regret anything because it 'made them who they are'( which is hogwash in my opinion, I mean sometimes what they got 'made' into isn't all that great, but I digress on that point) I DO have regrets. I just don't dwell on them. I see where I F' ed up, and do my damndest not to repeat it. Lastly, a secure, rational man has to know that if a woman is over...let's say 25, she has a past. A child may be a result of that past. When you refered to a child as a"financial burden". that shows real immaturity, and selfishness. You were a child once. What if your parents thought of you ,and treated you like a 'burden' ? How would you feel growing up knowing that? That's bull$hit man. But also, unless you plan on moving in with a person, or marrying them, that child is NOT your responsibility anyway, and none of your concern finacially. Also, are you really that insecure about that "genetic link" that you're not a part of? Really?? My only advice for you is something you're gonna do anyway, and that is........keep on living. When you grow up a little bit more, especially emotinally, your perpective should broaden,and deepen. I'm a FULLY grown man, and honestly... you sound asinine to me. In about 6+ years you'll look back and see just how self-centered,and juvenile this current point of view of yours actually is. That is, if you can take care of that cranial/rectal inversion you seem to be suffering from at the moment. AND...I think that you just shot yourself in foot on this site with that post.
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 196
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/7/2008 12:46:53 AM
To me, a divorced woman is no more damaged than a woman who has broken up with a boyfriend. I see divorce as a break up between two people who happened to take their relationship to another level. However, I do wonder what kind of commitment they are expecting out of the next guy who comes along. This is online dating though, and it does seem as like I come across more women who have the excess baggage, if you will, that goes along with dating too many bad apples. Sometimes a woman will say she's had it and the next guy is it for her even without having met the man. How many divorcées hope the next guy is marriage material in a cart before the horse fashion?
Joined: 4/11/2008
Msg: 197
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/7/2008 1:17:47 AM

hate seeing full page replies, so I don't do them myself.
Due to your explanation of your views , it makes it hard to reply!

It would take several pages to express my views on this!

I think you are just trying to get a rise out of people with your post!

Only a minority of men are seriously going to raise another man's kid.

Yes it does take a real man to step up and love an innocent child doesn't it!

Yet more importantly, why would someone think that just because someone is divorced with children that the other parent isn't involved?

And a real man wouldn't call an innocent child horrible names either or use them as an excuse for crappy behavior. My step dad was a real man and the best father anyone could ask for. There are many good men, thank God that the OP and others like him are not the norm.
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 200
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/7/2008 1:48:15 PM
Sure better than still married.

Very few out their my age have never been married.
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 204
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/7/2008 4:06:23 PM
The same view is held for looks, weight, education, race, religion, sexual experience, heck - even age.
And as far as age goes, statistically speaking - at your age grapeman, you'd best find someone soon. Otherwise, you're likely to find yourself as a washed-up old, undamaged good.
Joined: 4/11/2008
Msg: 206
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/7/2008 4:18:43 PM

Are you so serious??????????

You have got to be the most "damaged" person I have ever heard speak.

Listen to yourself. I can almost guarantee that with an attitude like that you will never be happy ever. And I so feel sorry for any woman who decides that you might be worth it.

It takes an awesome person to love another person's child and they are more MAN or WOMAN than you will ever be. EVER.

It is a rare man or woman that can do this.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 208
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Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/7/2008 8:48:37 PM
So what's your point? You want to limit your dating pool for assinine reasons, go for it.
Joined: 4/26/2008
Msg: 209
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/7/2008 8:49:56 PM
are they like the dented cans at the supermarket?do i get a discount?
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 211
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Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/7/2008 9:50:24 PM

When it comes to young people though, the possible load of small children, exes hanging around and miscellaneous time demanding familial obligations, is considered a handicap. Most unmarried people would rather start their own family from scratch, than stepping into an existing one.

I have to agree. Every situation is different. Many of us single never marrieds are looking to start a family from scratch. I mean, it's hard enough these days to raise kids, not to mention stepping into an existing one where you may be unfamiliar with each person's history.
I find it's especially difficult with divorcees who actually agree to still see each other and raise the kids together. On the one hand, it's admirable that the dad still wants to be part of the family, but what will I be then? The mom's boyfriend but with no say in how kids are raised? It's a strange situation, to be sure...
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 213
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Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/7/2008 9:53:55 PM
That said, I do occasionally e-mail divorced people.
Everyone deserves to be happy and a second chance.
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 214
Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/7/2008 10:24:37 PM
Op..That is pretty harsh. Women that are divorced could have very good reasons to be that way..and condemning women with gosh..... I divorced my first husband after several years of horrible abuse and the day he raised his hand to my son was the day I left. I met my 2nd husband and he not only loved me but he loved my son just as much as he did his own and he adopted my son as his own. I hold only the utmost respect for men who can show that much love to take on that kind of responsibility. But we did for all our kids together..not just him!! We were a "family" and families work at it together. I know your entitled to your feelings but you have to slam women and children when it may not even be their fault?
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 217
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Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/7/2008 11:27:41 PM
GapeMan: Divorced people as damaged goods? How dare you !! To compare human beings to commodities, and judgemental to divorce people, if you have nothing nice to say just shut the trap.. Peace man
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 221
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Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/8/2008 7:37:47 AM
Well, when you get to a certain age your hopes of dating "virgins" untainted by other relationships greatly diminished. So if you make a snap judgments based soley on one little word under marital status (or any other word or sentence) on a dating profile, then you really are limiting yourself, and may be missing out on some possibly wonderful people.

Having said that, although it is riducluous to make a blanket statement that "ALL" divorced people (note the gender neutral term, it applies equally to men and women) are damaged, you can say that many divorced people are not ready to be involved in another romantic relationship right away, and more than likely are not aware of it themselves.

When I counsel someone going through a divorce or recently seperated, I recommend that they take a minimum 6 months, but preferably 1 year from the date the divorce is final before they even contemplate dating, I usually have them circle that date on the calendar as their date day...

Then I recommend that they spend that time healing and more importantly building their new life that is separate from the life they led with their former spouse.

The healing part is important because quite frankly it is unfair to inflict their fresh raw wounds on anyone who gets involved romantically with them. Why do you think most "rebounds" fall apart...and it is not really fair to the new guy or woman who tries to get close to them, and usually ends up with one or both getting hurt???

I have my "clients' make a list of 5-10 things that they wanted to do either before or while they were married, that for whatever reason never got to do..and to spread them across the months and to do them one at a time....I've had lists be as simple as riding a roller coaster, to as extravagent as backpacking through Europe..

I also encourage them to join clubs, take up hobbies, go back to school, or take adult ed classes in things they are interested in, to keep them busy and also to open thems selves up to a broader circle of friends who are share the same interests, especially since often friends that they had as a couple suddenly up and vanish when one partner divorces another...

Also if needed I recommend a divorce support group, but I'm reluctant to unless I know people in the group..Because sometimes some support groups become nothing but a lifetime trash session about the other spouse and no support or healing gets done if you stay stuck in that mindspace...

So doing these things helps to keep the lonliness at bay, keeps them busy in the evenings when they would normally be with their spouses...and also down the line, when they're truly ready, they're also in a circle that may be a potential dating pool down the line, or someone may know someone... makes it a hellofa lot easier to actually date down the line...

This time is also about building an identity of who the divorcee truly wants to be, not someone they had to be in the marriage...And also to start living their dreams...

If anyone has ever dated a recently divorced or seperated person, then you've probably ended up in a argument with them where something like this was yelled at you "Quit trying to make me into something I'm not...My ex Husband/wife tried to do it for x number of years that's why we're not together (or I left his monkey ass)....The newly divorced person really needs to come into their own as a seperate individual.

Another thing that happens is that the person dating the divorced person will say something, often innocently and the divorcee blow up for no apparant reason...It's usually a case that when you said it the person heard the "voice" of their ex (perhaps he/she used the same statement to critisize, or used a similiar tone of voice), and it triggured the un released rage now no longer held back in the marriage all over the poor new person...

These are the things that need to be gone's part of the natural grieving process, and bringing a new person into relationship during that time interrupts and buries the grief process (in a flow of endorphins better served by chocolate icecream than another personality added to the mix) and it will eventually come out in the new relationship...And grieving and rebuilding takes time usually about a year...

Of course a lot of people don't do this and jump right into a brand spanking new relationship...and usually 3-6 months later they're in my office again crying because he/she left them...And they just don't know why??? (Some I can get away with saying that it is because they dumped their unhealed crap onto the poor sap, and no one would want to put up with that for very long.)

"So what about sex?" they usually ask me...I tell them very bluntly that the hand or vibrator isn't a bad thing to do.

Again it's not fair to set somebody else up for a broken heart, while yours is still broken. And that what inevitably happens, especially to the one dating the person going through the separation...They're getting what they think they want, attention and connection, but they usually AREN'T able or ready to give the "innocent" man or woman dating them, what THEY want...commitment, love, no baggage, sanity, etc.

Most people who do what I suggest eventually end up dating, and a lot of them are successful, some later remarry...A surprising number after the first year is over still don't date, not because they are afraid to, but because they're having too much fun living their lives for the first time in a lot of years, and really don't want not to feel free ever again..

A lot of immediate divorced people say they'll never trust again, not after the divorce but after they get their heart broken a second time from the rebound relationship...which they don't realize they've unconsciously caused themselves because deep inside they were not themselves ready to date....

But they jumped in anyway because they were afraid of being alone....that's why I recommend taking classes, joining clubs and they wont be alone...they really don't need a new partner...just some new friends, and there's plenty of other ways to make friends, that don't involve dating, and potentially hurting someone...

I know this not just professionally, but from experience as well. Because I have been "hurt" by giving my heart away to people who weren't really ready to be in a relationship yet. I now will not date a woman, recently seperated, nor will I date one who has been divorced for less than a year...I respect my heart more than that...

Everyone in it, and many of you reading this who will get po'ed will say, "Well MY situation is different." Sorry to say, no it's not...It MAY seem unique to you. But if you sit day in and day out in a professional setting, counseling people, we hear a countless variations of the same basic story day in and day out, AND they rarely turn out any different then the scenario I outlined above.....We have sheer numbers on our side that back this up....If you love that person, and s/he loves it and set a date for coffee a year from now...Encourage them to find a "life." And let thrm go...if it is meant to be, it will be, and at the right time...if not, then it was for the best.

So, if a person's been divorced a year or more, and has made a conscious effort to "heal and deal" and are truly ready to share themselves in a healthy and baggage free way. Then they are no different then anyone on here, looking for love, and deserving of it.

But it's when the person is still carrying their ex in their head, or it is just plain too soon, that gets us all in trouble...and probably leads to the impression that ALL divorced people are somehow "damaged."
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 224
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Do you see divorced people as damaged goods?
Posted: 9/8/2008 9:58:57 AM

Because if I wasn't [the majority], there wouldn't be tens of thousands of kids up for adoption. People would just gladly adopt kids who need parents. Instead, people who tend to have kids, have them using their own sperm and eggs. The majority of people want and raise their own kids, nobody elses.

People talk about the breakdown of the family but it is not the divorces that are the problem, it is that type of thinking. People complain that they cannot let their kids play in the neighborhood because of predators, etc. but if everybody had the attitude that the kids were everybody's responsibility as they did when we were coming up, things would be much different.

I am lucky. I have lived in this neighborhood 18 years, everybody knows my kids and we all look after each other. I also know of many men and women who have gladly raised stepchildren and in most cases, the step-parent is not a third wheel or without any say in how children are being raised in his/her house. A child is a gift no matter how sired, and there are many, many people that believe that, thank God or the world would be a much shittier place than it can be. The world you live in Gapeboy may be jaded and selfish but thankfully, there are not too many of your ilk living in mine.
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