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 JimtheToolman
Joined: 9/27/2007
Msg: 2
My sister told me it's awkwardPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Maybe you need to talk to your sister alone. Then also talk to your mother alone. Bring the topic up and let them do all the talking. Even if there's a couple minutes of uncomfortable silence.
Just understand this. I know from past experience that most (not all)people no mater if they're friends or family. Doesn't matter how much you help them. Years down the road they don't remember it or respect you for all the help you gave them. Don't worry. They'll be back eventually (when they're down and out again).
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 5
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My sister told me it's awkward
Posted: 8/3/2008 2:06:38 PM
Write her a letter and tell her how you feel and that she's going to miss out on her nephew's upbringing due to her busy life and not wanting him to be loud at her place. She'll regret it later wh en your son is older and is busy with his life, he's only young once. Perhaps, she's trying to not feel guilty towards your mom if you are there and she shows more attention to you than her hence feeling awkward? who knows. but i agree let her know you're going to distance yourself, and that you're disappointed that she doesn't want to bond to you after all that you've done for her. It's not to rub it in her face but to show her that she's not appreciating what you have done for her nor respecting you of it. Also, perhaps it's a good thing, after allt he hard work you've done, now you can spread your own wings and pamper yourself, you deserve it.
 JimtheToolman
Joined: 9/27/2007
Msg: 6
My sister told me it's awkward
Posted: 8/3/2008 2:20:04 PM
MSG; 5; Beholder wrote: BUT what hurts more is the part about my son...he loves his Auntie SO much and she always says she is busy and that comment just put me over the edge. He is a beautiful lil man and I was hurt when she said that.
Well hey maybe this could be your chance to drop him off with lil Sis and Grumpma and you start a dating log from plentyoffish and let your hair down and kick up your heels and have some fun !
Yes I think "uneedluv" sounds like some good advise. I agree after reading his post. Yep give her some space. But still see if she will baby sit and you go have some fun. Meet so hot dudes off plentyoffish. Make them drive to your town. Wait maybe just incase they are weirdo's meet them in the next town over so no one ya know recognizes you. lol.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 7
My sister told me it's awkward
Posted: 8/3/2008 7:27:47 PM

You raised an intelligent and responsible women there


I beg your pardon? How can an intelligent and responsible woman ditch her family? To think a child will bother the neighbours? You must be joking!

I can understand the child not being invited to a restaurant dinner if he'll have a hard time sitting nicely to enjoy it, but not to his aunt's home? That is appalling manners!! She needs a talking to and a good swift kick in the ass.

Your mother should also be sticking up for you and giving that young lady a piece of her mind.

Nutt
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 8
My sister told me it's awkward
Posted: 8/4/2008 8:02:30 AM
I beg your pardon, I'm not meaning to criticize the OP. She is a great person for being the rock in her family.

I'm criticizing the child who has her priorities very messed up.

Nutt
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 10
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My sister told me it's awkward
Posted: 8/4/2008 9:09:00 AM
Sweetie you have to remember that your sister is only a grown-up on the outside. No matter what a wonderful job you did as a stand-in we all want our mother to be what a mother should and if she is finally doing that albeit with your assistance, your sister is lapping it up like a sponge and quite frankly does not want to share your mother's attention with you.

If your sister said something about awkward you may need to accept that not only does your mother wish she didn't have to depend on you, she may resent the fact that you did the job she was supposed to do rather than really taking responsibility for her failing to do it. Also just a thought, does the boyfriend like kids? It might not be the neighbors but the boyfriend that is not capable of a couple of hours of four-year-old heaven. That one is easily solved by inviting your sister to your place for dinner.

I have seen this parent dynamic with my kids in terms of neediness that I think you are describing from the standpoint that their dad is a total ass whom they detest much of the time but when he is being Mr. Charming, they light up like fireflies. It has been hard to watch and I have to remind myself how utterly sad it is and that somewhere underneath the joy is the knowledge that it is temporary and that mom is the one that is always there for them. Unfortunately you are forgetting that your mom may not keep it together and that your sister is still going to need you. Also if you let your relationship with your sister slide and this guy turns out to be a jerk, where is she going to go? Is she going to stay in a bad relationship because you are no longer a fall back or because she is afraid you are going to come out with I told you so? Again, I think you are going to wind up playing mom for a while longer with this kid.

Young adults are also very selfish and they don't think about other people's feelings. I know what you are going through I have a 29-year-old stepson that has finally decided to return to the planet after producing seven kids and be responsible and all that type of crap. When I stopped bank-rolling him and his hill billy wife, he stopped contact and it was devastating to my daughter as they were very close. I spent I don't know how many hours with her in tears over the last 10 years. Interestingly enough I think at this point that he discontinued contact because he knew I wouldn't just talk to him without making him think about how he was living and he didn't want to deal with making any changes. And you know what, even though I told him that he would be grown and gone and needed to spend time with his siblings before he left home, I still didn't get how he could just turn his back on them even with the responsibilities of kids of his own and 800 miles away.

Is he a horrible person for doing so? Not my place to judge, just do damage control with my kids and hope that things will change. We do a lot of hoping in this family and even more just getting on with the daily grind and trying not to worry about stuff over which we have no control. Don't agree with the guy that said people don't appreciate things. My stepson apologized to me several years ago about a year after he left home for the things he put me through, didn't say squat to his dad because his dad wasn't the one that raised him. I have had many other people in my life that showed me in particular last year when I needed help how much of a difference I made for them because they were there for me.

If your sister has lived with you for the duration of your son's life no matter how much she loves you or him, she may be welcoming the break from kids at a young age. Give it some time and see how things shake out. If she continues to freeze you out, take her aside and tell her that you expect nothing for what you have given her but your son deserves better treatment, he is a child, loves her and needs to spend time with her.

Other than that, just try to center yourself and find peace. The reason that your mother's behavior hurt is the same reason that your sister is hurting you, because she is your mother and no matter how well you know their short-comings, you still want June Cleaver. Reread your post, you did a wonderful job but it isn't over. Now you let her stand and fall on her own and when she turns out okay and apologizes for being such a twit in a couple of years, you can totally move on to the type of relationship sisters should have. May sound stupid but watch the movie 27 Dresses. When sister has to be mom, it is hard to get back to the dynamics of sisters.

Just saw your repost, why can't you tell your sister what you are thinking? You are both adults and she needs to get that she hurts you, your son, and that you made a lot of sacrifices to make sure she wouldn't wind up a complete mess. The key to having that conversation is to make sure it is not in anger. Tell her I am not telling you this to upset you and I didn't do the things I did because I wanted anything in return, but because I love you and there wasn't anyone else around to do it but hellooo, do you have a clue what you would be doing if I had not stepped into mom's shoes?

Some people are very obtuse whether naturally or because they choose not to deal with something but you really cannot be mad at people for failing to change when you have not truly spelled out what the problem is on your end. As far as how this woman was raised, I agree with the comment about the responsible woman but at the same time, you forget that people treat their family like shit often because they can, because we will love them anyway. If this girl I presume is around 18 or 20, hurtful yes, but unexpected, not particularly. She still has quite a bit of growing up to do.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 11
My sister told me it's awkward
Posted: 8/4/2008 1:36:40 PM
I wish I knew how to just be calm about this but this isnt the first time she has been rude or selfish


Maybe that's the wrong thing. Maybe she doesn't need to be "understood," but to be given a little more direction about right and wrong. An honest lecture to someone you love is not out of line. . . after all you've been her real mother. And I don't see anything wrong with you pointing out that you've done those things for her. Every now and then I have to point out to my daughter that I'm earning a living and paying all the bills on my own, how much it costs for us to live the comfortable. Kids don't automatically know what's right or wrong or how to behave, those things are taught and learned.

Nutt
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 12
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My sister told me it's awkward
Posted: 8/4/2008 10:10:12 PM
I'm sure also that if she needs anything, you'll be the first to go to. Please don't come to her aide, let her find out how hard it is and she'll realize how much you were there for. Let her pick up her pieces since she thinks she's able to do so. What's the saying, if you love something, set it free, and it will come back if it's meant to be.
 Henry L. Moon
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 16
My sister told me it's awkward
Posted: 8/5/2008 4:26:10 PM
Boy, you can immediately tell who are parents in these posts...Hon, you have been the glue that held your family together for way too long...and you have the best of advice from your new "Mom" Ms. packagedealx3....that's one smart lady
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 18
My sister told me it's awkward
Posted: 8/6/2008 8:10:22 AM
I think carlisleman probably was posting to another forum. I've heard that sometimes posts can go astray somehow.

Nutt
 4UMaybe
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 21
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My sister told me it's awkward
Posted: 8/9/2008 6:00:54 PM
Just my two cents...but I would think your sister is secure in your love for her....You have proved that to her time and time again. Unfortunately, she is still looking for her mom to love her like that and she will probably try anything to get that love. Unfortunately your mom is someone that can never be as wonderful as you are...

It is not right but give her time....
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