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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.      Home login  
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 Spagett!
Joined: 8/9/2009
Msg: 76
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.Page 4 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

It's hard for people to accept you before they know you as a person.

And those are the people that I do not wish to date. If they can not accept me, then I do not want to date them.


How do they know if you're kind, gentle, loyal, romantic, etc, before even meeting you?

I get it, so the fact that they will think you are "nasty" for dressing as a girl doesn't matter. As long as they know that you are kind, gentle, loyal and romantic first. THEN they can be prejudice towards you.


I don't think there's anything wrong with meeting a variety of people when you're single and then deciding who you want to get to know better and share more of yourself with.

Nothing wrong with this at all. But if you are going to go to the next step, ie Dating, then you need to tell the girl what she is getting into. Plain and simple. The fact that you don't want to tell upfront should explain it to you right there. You know that it is a red flag, and you think that if you can show them who you "really are" (ahh irony) they will accept the gals clothing. Well the world does not work like that, I am sorry. Who you "really are" is a guy who likes to wear girls clothing, if you want to show the girls the real you...well...


I persosonally like to feel people out as to what kind of person they are first before I decide it's time to share all.

Um, hypocrisy? Maybe the gal wants to make sure you don't dress up in all frills before sharing what you want to hear? Why is it okay for you to have a quiz, but when it is time for your answers its "No fair!"?


I kinda have to laugh though, it's so silly something so harmless is a taboo.

Well we do not live in a perfect world, otherwise we would not have a "Perfect world Fallacy"


The perfect solution fallacy is a logical fallacy that occurs when an argument assumes that a perfect solution exists and/or that a solution should be rejected because some part of the problem would still exist after it were implemented. This is a classic example of black and white thinking, in which a person fails to see the complex interplay between things, and as a result, reduces complex problems to a pair of binary extremes.

Some, I would even say majority, girls do not like guys who dress like women. IF they did this thread would not exist, and you would not hide who you are from girls. You know this is the truth, and this dancing around is not fooling anyone. Compare this orange to some more apples, go ahead...
 acuddler
Joined: 10/30/2009
Msg: 77
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/6/2010 2:09:49 PM
Put it in your profile. Then you will know that the women who contact you don't have a problem with it. Of course, fewer women will contact you...but those who do will be more accepting. Many crossdressers are gay, and many are not. Few 'normal' people have much education about such things, so they go by gut intsincts-which say crossdressers are weird, and probably gay-and by movies/novels which suggest they are gay, weird, and homicidal.

There are online sites-clubs, fellowships, etc-where crossdressers-and those who love them-can socialize. Join a few. Maybe you'll meet a gal whose crossdressing BF/hubby died a year ago, and left her looking for another. To most people minds. crossdressers are gay, and child molesters...like Michael Jackson. He spent a lifetime getting cosmetic surgeries to look like Diana Ross. He dressed in womanly sequins, etc. He did with his face what you do with clothes. Some people will always think of MJ as a child molesting pervert; whether he was one or not. Many will feel the same about you. There will always be people who will never accept you once they know you crossdress, and they will fear, and hate, you. A woman who may be able to accept you may worry that her father, brothers, coworkers, etc, would not accept you, and so she would hesitate to become involved with you for fear of others learning about your habit, and taking it out on her.

Be open from the start, or change your ways. Get into show biz as a crossdressing comedian. Let the crossdresser part of your persona seem like just a show biz act for the sake of getting laughs. People will be more accepting of it then, and you will satisfy your urges without causing much trouble. Be a crossdresser who makes fun of crossdressers. That is ok, as the first rule of comedy is "you only knock your own". A Pole can tell polack jokes, but others should not. Fat women can tell fat lady jokes, but skinny men should not. As a crossdressing comic, you can satisfy your urges, do so in a more socially acceptable way, avoid having to hide your habit, and get paid for it all to boot. Once you are a headliner in Vegas, woman will flock to you.
 longhairbadass
Joined: 11/30/2009
Msg: 78
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/6/2010 5:07:57 PM
I'm sorry. I'm just never gonna get it. I'm never going to understand crossdressers. Some fetishes I can kind of understand. But I'm never gonna get crossdressing. And I have played in an 80s hairband, and wore spandex, and makeup, and sequin shirts. One band I was in dressed in drag every halloween. I'm just never gonna get it. Maybe its the fact that I'm an ugly man, and I'm a really ugly man dressed up in drag. Got no desire to wear pumps. They hurt my feet. Got no desire to wear womens panties, although I've ended up in them drunk in the dark after a show, and a ride home. Got no desire to wear dresses cuz I've got whiteass chicken legs. Got no desire to wear padded shoulder blouses because I have broad shoulders already and look like flippin fenders on a 57 chevy. I got no tits so a bra looks absolutely ridiculous. I don't have the form or function. But I do have a cute little ass. But its a guy ass. My fetish is guy crap. Money, motorcycles, toys, guitars, tangible investments. Give me a mingh vase, rug- pre persian dynasty, 70 hemi cuda, 58 les paul, 67 marshall stack JMP superlead, silver boullion, an invert jenny postage stamp, and or hawaiian, or ryiakus, a goldpan full of fresh dug nuggets, a beer, and a 14,000 foot vista to overlook after climbing it, and I'm good. Way better than a 10 dollar pair of panties. I just don't get it.
 longhairbadass
Joined: 11/30/2009
Msg: 79
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/6/2010 5:16:20 PM
I guess in this situation honesty is the best policy. And check your expectations. You're expecting too much if you think everyone is just going to accept your fetish of crossdressing. I won't knock your crossdressing fetish if you don't knock my vintage guitar collecting fetish. You like Liz taylor. I like taylor acoustics. Seems reasonable.
 aaamm
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 80
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/7/2010 4:58:14 AM
8/6/2008 is when this was posted, a year and a half ago. I think the OP really is handling this now the way he wishes to.
 Spagett!
Joined: 8/9/2009
Msg: 81
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/7/2010 8:10:16 AM

8/6/2008 is when this was posted, a year and a half ago.

I know! It's nice that POF lets us post to old threads, instead of making new ones. Helps keep the redundancy down!

Really it all boils down to personal preference. Even when I say it is "wrong" to not be up front about this, that is a personal preference. It's just that this personal preference tends to be common amongst people at this time. (IE Frills+man = Red Flag)

Until that changes, I stick to the position that disclosure should come sooner, rather than later.
 ToughLuv1984
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 82
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/7/2010 1:49:11 PM
This is not something you should keep in the closet. (Pun intended). Its hard but with more people doing like Harvey Milk and 'owning it' out in the open, change will come to the day when there isn't such a rigid 'masculinity' preservation cult telling people what kinks or preferences they should have.
 voshie
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 83
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/7/2010 9:02:48 PM
you should be upfront about something thats a real deal breaker for yourself if an intended woman is in the pic so she can make an educated choice ..being left out in the cold on such things as this is more hurtful down the road than if you were to actually get caught all dolled up while out on the town
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 84
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/8/2010 5:49:57 PM
anything in your past which is probably not going to go over too well should never be discussed....the time to go into it is if there is a very close bond and then you will start unloading all the past experiences good and not..also every aspect of your life ...that is for people you feel safe with and trust....you don't have to reveal everything to people you are merely dating....
 Breebee77
Joined: 8/18/2009
Msg: 85
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 2/2/2010 5:54:44 PM
Aww yes the age old question. How does a crossdresser go about telling their significant other about their Femme side? I can speak from some experience here. My last two girlfriends were not happy about it or accepting of the idea when they found out. In both cases these were long term relationships that ended quite badly because they were not open to the idea of their boyfriend crossdressing.

So I’ve decided to be up front about it from now on. It really shrinks the dating pool quite a bit but oh well, it’s the cards that us “CDs” have been dealt. Anyway, stay pretty and strong fellow CD’ers! There are accepting women for us out there!
Adios!
Bree…
 Opalstar10
Joined: 4/21/2009
Msg: 86
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 2/2/2010 8:52:07 PM
Believe it or not, I was married to a crossdresser when I was 17. Unfortunately, he was bisexual which didn't work for me. I personally have no problems with a person who crossdresses so long as they look good in public doing it. If not, keep it in private and have fun with it. It can be alot of fun and yes, even erotic. I would say to only be honest with a woman after you feel you know her well enough to brooch the subject. I met my ex, in drag, working, lol, he had to tell me he was really a man, I thought it rocked!
Hope this helps.
 TallChick61
Joined: 1/21/2010
Msg: 87
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 2/2/2010 9:23:22 PM
If it's a dealbreaker - whatever the issue is - disclose it up front.

Maybe she'll say no right then, maybe she'll give it a chance, maybe she'll be cool with it right off the bat. At least you'll know instead of worrying about it.
 Spoken For
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 88
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 2/2/2010 11:43:25 PM
There are probably sites where you can find people who participate in alternative lifestyles. You probably won't have much luck here, do some searching around and see what you come up with on other sites.
 minxinheels
Joined: 11/8/2010
Msg: 89
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 12/22/2010 4:10:31 AM
Honestly, I don't think cross dressing is a big deal at all. Most (legal) sexual fetishes are not, although I'm not even sure cross dressing is a sexual fetish, it's really not any big deal.

The problem is the amount of frigid ****es out there. I've dated a couple of cross dressers and it's NEVER ever been an issue at all for me.

Everyone has their kinks.

I'd be up front about the cross dressing, but maybe not the abuse. That's just me and not something I'd be comfortable discussing until I knew someone really well.

So you like to dress up in ladies clothes. Big deal. Honestly, if you just state it like fact and treat it like it's normal, other people will too.

You should not have to be with someone where you have to "hide" who you truly are.

If someone cannot love ALL of you, they do not deserve to be with you.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 90
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 12/22/2010 9:58:22 AM
I would want to know upfront about a fetish like that, because honestly it is not something I would be comfortable with. Many women are more open minded than I am and certainly would be more accepting. So why even chance it?
A partner that supports your fetish and leaves you with nothing to hide or fear, is the best scenario for both of you. A true love relationship has to be completely open to each others needs.
But I do have to say to you OP, if there are childhood issues that are still affecting your sex life today then you have to be in a support group or individual therapy until the issue is no longer holding you back from enjoying your life.
Good luck to you.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 91
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 12/22/2010 10:08:39 AM
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience


^^This is part of who you are. Therefore, you wouldn't be happy having to hide this.

I would suggest you be candid about this as one should be about one's life period. I can't think of anything I would not be honest about from the get vs. later. It's not fair to the other party and it just makes things harder than need be.

I would suggest you find groups/sites that dabble in this lifestyle, and therefore more accepting vs. a vanilla site such as POF. Where this is probably not the "norm".............
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 92
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 12/22/2010 10:29:57 PM
There are probably sites where you can find people who participate in alternative lifestyles. You probably won't have much luck here, do some searching around and see what you come up with on other sites.

Yes, there are. But there are no sites for this one; there is one 'date a crossdresser' site, and it's inhabited by 99.9999999% men. Oh, and a few pictures of female 'ringers' they create to email us to get out hopes up and pay to subscribe, but then those emails disappear once you've paid to join (ask me how I know...). Over the years, various studies have shown that the number of women who WON'T date us is >99%, because for them crossdressing simply turns them off sexually. So, the best odds are in the sites with the greatest number. Even so, the chances are remote; consider this: I've read several times that in general, about one in either 12 to 20 persons (depends on the dating books you read) is even remotely compatible with someone, so splitting the difference, lets say one in 16. Add in the above. That leaves one in 1600 who are potentially compatible with a crossdresser. ONE. POTENTIALLY. Then subtract the number who, when faced with the reality of her man enjoying being dressed up as a girl, change their mind (that would include my ex wife). Maybe one in 5000? Then reduce to the age and geographical limits, and the chances of dating someone is basically the same as winning the lottery. As the commercial goes, I have a dollar and a dream, but that's about it.
 ellena.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 93
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 12/23/2010 6:19:22 PM
I don't understand your interest. I find most of the feminine clothes I wear uncomfortable, but ok.
I don't think I personally could handle it. Some women don't have a problem.
Maybe if you won't wear the clothes in front of her, and be a manly looking man when you spend time w/ her, it'll blow over.
Abusive people suk!
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 94
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 12/23/2010 7:49:12 PM
No, I don't think you should have left it longer. It's something people need to know so they can decide whether they can handle it or not. It's not just a question of you finding something enjoyable but that you need to do it. A woman getting to know you is going to be aware of this at some level and wonder how much control you have over it. You say you wouldn't dress in front of her or outside but is that true? I suspect she'd be wondering if it is something that would increasing be imposed on her, once she was involved with you, and then what would she do? Also, some women just don't like the idea of men dressing like women for more than a fun joke. It's a bit like smoking - you know other people do it, you don't mind them doing it elsewhere and want them to be happy, but you don't want it to be part of your life.

I'm sorry it reduces your chances with women but it may be best to accept that and just try to find those women who wouldn't mind by mentioning it early on. Flying under the radar is not a good idea. Maybe there are sites where there are women who are open to this? If you try to get to know the women first and then bring it in gradually as an idea, I think you will end up hurt and the women will feel deceived.
 valleyguyaz
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 95
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 2/25/2011 7:26:28 AM
in a perfect world a person would be able to tell everybody about their fetishes up front.

in the actual world that we do live in it is probally better to tell only those rare few that are really okay with it.

this is sad but very true in my opinion.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 96
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 2/25/2011 7:57:20 AM

Over the years, various studies have shown that the number of women who WON'T date us is >99%, because for them crossdressing simply turns them off sexually.

OK, then if we assume that number is accurate, then realistically, you have a choice: Wait for someone in that small fraction of a percent who is ok with crossdressing or cross off crossdressing as one of your must haves with a partner and stop crossdressing. Lots of people relegate certain things to fantasy land in relationships. You just have to decide what is most important to you because reality is not going to change.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 97
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 2/28/2011 2:12:55 AM
Well, I don't know about studies, I'm okay with it. But I definitely would want to know right up-front. I just wouldn't like it to come as a surprise, is all, because, well, it IS unusual! And I don't like feeling "thrown." No one does.

But if I know about this going into a potential involvement, it's fine with me. I think we could have a lot of fun with it.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 98
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 3/1/2011 5:19:34 AM
Reading through the posts since I've last been to this thread, there's an amazing number of people who think crossdressing is something we consciously chose to do, as if one day, we sat down, and said to ourselves, 'Gee, I'd like to start a hobby which will make me a pariah among all the people I might ever be attracted to, something that would brand me as a pervert by much of the world's population, and make me a social outcast to many others.' It's this kind of misunderstanding that causes most of the problems. The percentage of guys who wear girl's clothes for kicks is way lower than those of us who just feel an overwhelming need to do it; most have no idea why they want to wear girl clothes, all they know is that they can't stop for any length of time. For most, it's not a hobby. It's not something we decided to do 'on a whim'. It's something we're stuck with. It doesn't respond to treatment by any known means; it's not an addiction, it's not OCD, it's not a neurosis, it's not psychosis. Some think it's related to sexual identity disorders, but that's not always the case either. All we know, is that it never....goes....away....permanently. Some of us have had success suppressing the desire for various lengths of time; but it always comes back, and the longer we put it off, the stronger the desire is when it does return. For the most part, it's basically harmless; but what it does do, is alter the image we project to women, and it pretty much destroys sexual attraction to us for them.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 99
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 3/3/2011 4:42:44 PM
I would not want to date a man who was interested in,and regularly dressed up as a woman.I would want him to tell me this fairly early on by at least the second date.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 100
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 3/4/2011 10:01:29 AM
I find it strange how we can't talk about anything personal in todays society when dating, yet having sex on the first date is completely acceptable.It's almost like as a society we value our bodies less then we do our secrets.If cross dressing is nothing to be ashamed of then why would someone hide it? And if you are ashamed of it them why are you continuing to do it?
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