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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.      Home login  
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 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 151
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.Page 7 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I would get help for this problem and just stop doing it, then there's no need to worry about it interfering in any relationship now or in the future. Is it important enough to run such risks over?

No, I don't understand people who do this... but I make no apologies for it... if it's doing damage to your life then stop it. Unless it truly is an illness, which I suspect it is...
 Coma White
Joined: 4/11/2004
Msg: 152
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/11/2012 1:20:37 PM

No, I don't understand people who do this... but I make no apologies for it... if it's doing damage to your life then stop it. Unless it truly is an illness, which I suspect it is...


It's not an illness. People are just doing something that is outside the social norms. It would be "weird" for people to see a man wearing black nail polish a few decades ago but now we see people on shows like The Ultimate Fighter doing that. What you're doing is reinforcing the gender binary paradigm instead of promoting ideas that allow society to evolve. For example, it's good that women were allowed to wear pants to school in the late 60's. We don't need to put everything into a box or category. If everyone was worried about fitting in, there would be no interesting people in the world. There are a lot of women out there that will accept people for who they are, so it's just a matter of connecting with one of them. I would recommend that before I told someone they are wrong for being themselves.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 153
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/13/2012 5:41:31 PM
Well, that's your opinion, Coma White but I stand by what I said. The Op has hinted at abuse in his past in another post which someone else pointed out... and in my opinion, that has something to do with his cross dressing. I know this is supposed to be an "anything goes" world nowadays but the fact remains that some things are not normal, and do suggest the person in question is in need of some kind of help. This is not a choice so much as an uncontrollable "compulsion"... because it's ruining his personal life and yet he can't stop it.... he has underlying issues for sure.

And by the way, good luck to any man who really thinks many women are going to accept this.... there may be a few out there who will, but FEW is the operative word. Women are creeped out by this, plain and simple, and I mean that. I am too...
 Coma White
Joined: 4/11/2004
Msg: 154
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/14/2012 1:22:00 AM

Well, that's your opinion, Coma White but I stand by what I said. The Op has hinted at abuse in his past in another post which someone else pointed out... and in my opinion, that has something to do with his cross dressing. I know this is supposed to be an "anything goes" world nowadays but the fact remains that some things are not normal, and do suggest the person in question is in need of some kind of help. This is not a choice so much as an uncontrollable "compulsion"... because it's ruining his personal life and yet he can't stop it.... he has underlying issues for sure.

And by the way, good luck to any man who really thinks many women are going to accept this.... there may be a few out there who will, but FEW is the operative word. Women are creeped out by this, plain and simple, and I mean that. I am too...


There is no evidence to suggest that crossdressing is a behaviour caused by abuse. When you say "normal", that just means that some things aren't social norms. Being your own person instead of conforming doesn't mean you need help. I believe a lot of people are "creeped out" by it because it remains a social taboo in our culture. No matter what, the type of person you are is going to limit how you date. I think it's best to accept yourself instead of fighting with yourself and then you can have pride in who you are. It's going to hard for someone to date if they can't like themselves first.

In North America, it's more acceptable to be thin and being thin is seen as attractive. Even though there is a big problem with obesity, you turn on any tv show and the characters are mostly thin, attractive people. You look at fashion, magazines, advertisements, etc, and you see thin people. Most men seem to prefer thin women when it comes to dating, but we really have no idea of knowing how many men would accept or prefer an average to plus size woman. It's just a numbers game. Anyone that is outside of the social norm will have to look a bit harder. This is just one example, but I think it will always be more fulfilling to date someone that totally accepts you. What happens when the OP dates someone and they find out the OP used to be a crossdresser or supports his gay/transgendered friends? I just can't see a person like the OP dating someone that has a problem with these things.

In my experience, women that are into music gothic music or fashion seem to be more accepting of things like this. The OP could start by talking to women like this instead of women that listen to "Call Me Maybe." I've met women that are accepting or even turned on by men in make up.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 155
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/14/2012 11:47:29 AM
I still refuse to believe that anything outside of serial killing and child molestation is by default "normal". I just don't buy it. Many people have psychological issues, (yes, they do) and they manifest in many ways... but rather than address them and work to eradicate them they would rather not do the work and just simply be accepted for them, instead, all the while lying to themselves and to everyone else claiming to be emotionally and psychologically healthy. Because that's what it boils down to. People not wanting to deal with the truth about the fact that they're messed up....And that"s what I mean by normal... emotional and psychological health... it has nothing to do with judging someone for not conforming to social norms.

You also skimmed over the meat of my argument, Coma White, when I pointed out that the Op's cross dressing is interfering in his personal life and yet he can't seem to stop it no matter what it is costing him... making it not so much a choice as a compulsion... if it was a choice, it would be just as easy to stop it as it is to keep on doing it... in fact, it would be EASIER to stop it than to keep on doing it... but that doesn't seem to be the case, here. Yes, he's sick in my opinion.
 Coma White
Joined: 4/11/2004
Msg: 156
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/14/2012 1:35:49 PM

still refuse to believe that anything outside of serial killing and child molestation is by default "normal". I just don't buy it. Many people have psychological issues, (yes, they do) and they manifest in many ways... but rather than address them and work to eradicate them they would rather not do the work and just simply be accepted for them, instead, all the while lying to themselves and to everyone else claiming to be emotionally and psychologically healthy. Because that's what it boils down to. People not wanting to deal with the truth about the fact that they're messed up....And that"s what I mean by normal... emotional and psychological health... it has nothing to do with judging someone for not conforming to social norms.


I'm not saying the OP shouldn't stive to be psychologically healthy, but I think accepting himself, loving himself, and making friends that accept him would be a step in the right direction. Right now, it sounds like his issue is with accepting himself and connecting with others that allow him to express himself.


You also skimmed over the meat of my argument, Coma White, when I pointed out that the Op's cross dressing is interfering in his personal life and yet he can't seem to stop it no matter what it is costing him... making it not so much a choice as a compulsion... if it was a choice, it would be just as easy to stop it as it is to keep on doing it... in fact, it would be EASIER to stop it than to keep on doing it... but that doesn't seem to be the case, here. Yes, he's sick in my opinion.


What makes him sick? Can you stop being yourself? I'm a musician and I can't just stop playing music, thinking about music, listening to music, and creating music. That doesn't make me sick. It doesn't matter if it's a choice or not. It's something he wants to do and he's just expressing himself. If it's causing problems, it's more than likely he needs to find friends that are more open minded. If it was causing problems with employment or a career, that's a different ballgame. However, there are many movements to embrace transgendered people. Microsoft, for example, is a great company that protects gay and transgendered employees.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 157
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/14/2012 5:40:03 PM
I guess you can argue that everything and everyone is normal if you want to make a case for it badly enough... I'm just going to agree to disagree on this one...
 MakeUTingle
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 158
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/16/2012 12:36:13 PM
If crossdressing is enjoyable to the OP and harms nobody...who even cares to classify it as anything at all...much less a "disease"?
 LoveMyDog55
Joined: 7/18/2012
Msg: 159
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/16/2012 1:49:13 PM
I think crossdressers are interesting ~ I've never dated a crossdresser but if I was attracted to someone and we had great chemistry then I wouldn't rule it out
 RallyRacer
Joined: 7/11/2012
Msg: 160
view profile
History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/15/2012 1:48:02 PM
Hey guys Im a 21 year old, Cross Dresser from Boston, MA.
i dont do it all the time just in the bedroom, I was wondering if theres any girls in the Boston area that like that?
 friendshipcomesfirst
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 161
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/15/2012 9:45:34 PM
I would TOTALLY date a cross dresser... :) Any cross dressers in the denver area wanna go out? lol

Anyway- tell the girls up front, some women are open to it, others aren't. But under no circumstances should someone have to hide such a thing from their significant other, so if the woman says "we're not a good fit" because of it, assume you're not a good fit and move on. I think POF cross dressers should add it to there "interests" section and perhaps have a pic of themselves dressed up... HOTNESS! :D

For the record, I'm entirely straight. I have known since the tenth grade that I think a man wearing a dress is sexy... I was never abused. This is not an ILLNESS! I can not make myself be not attracted to cross dressers and I see no logical reason why they need to be labeled "ill" simply because they enjoy playing dress up.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 162
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/15/2012 11:08:36 PM

I would TOTALLY date a cross dresser... :) Any cross dressers in the denver area wanna go out? lol


Bummer. You just missed the summer picnic, today!

http://www.gicofcolo.org/

Why not volunteer to give make up lessons?
 friendshipcomesfirst
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 163
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/17/2012 9:50:43 PM
Is the center also for cross dressers? Or just transgenders? I have nothing against trannys, but my interest is more in a man who is happy as a man but dresses up sometimes, not someone who is moving out of man and into woman...

I would totally volunteer with makeup! They are gonna put makeup on me, right? Cuz I know very little about the stuff, hardly ever use it (maybe twice a year if I HAVE to)... Wish I had known about the picnic, I would have gone for sure!
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 164
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/18/2012 1:33:47 AM

Is the center also for cross dressers?

Yes.
Did you see the link? I provided it so you could do a little of your own research, if you are sincerely interested.
They have meetings for cross dressers.
They are likely private, but there are plenty of opportunities to help.
Please check out the link.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 165
view profile
History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/18/2012 4:58:21 PM
Jeri wrote:

You also skimmed over the meat of my argument, Coma White, when I pointed out that the Op's cross dressing is interfering in his personal life and yet he can't seem to stop it no matter what it is costing him... making it not so much a choice as a compulsion... if it was a choice, it would be just as easy to stop it as it is to keep on doing it... in fact, it would be EASIER to stop it than to keep on doing it... but that doesn't seem to be the case, here. Yes, he's sick in my opinion.

Glad the most educated folks on the planet disagree with you. And it's not a compulsion, either. For me, it's a result of being brought up being told that I was really supposed to be a girl, and that person also dressing me as, and treating me as one for many years, often daily for weeks at a time. End result is the situation where I simply feel uncomfortable in male attire. Not quite a 'sickness', but not considered normal either. But because parts of our presonality seem to become 'finalized' at certain stages of physical development, the feeling sort of is stuck with me permanently. There is no treatment; no medication, nothing that will change it. The best analogy I can give you is language and accent; if you learn a new language before puberty, you are much less likely to have a territorial accent, so that aspect is 'finalized' at puberty. While I don't know (and no studies have ever been done) at what point my self identification with attire and behavior regarding gender was finalized, I do know that I'm stuck with what I am.
The best answer that I found recently (thanks to Eddie Izzard), is that I should simply be considered a 'tomgirl'. You all know what a tomboy is, right? A girl who sometimes wears clothes more appropriate for a boy, and who also likes to take part in activities also considered more appropriate for a boy, but is in all other ways a normal, straight, girl. Well, I'm the reverse; a boy who sometimes wears clothes more appropriate for a girl, and also likes to do things that most people think are only appropriate for a girl, but in all other ways is a normal, straight, male. So, if it's perfectly o.k. for girls, why do women make it such a big deal when boys do it? If anyone has some clues to this, please write to me, I'd be interested in opinions. Thanks.
 DesertKat
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 166
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/18/2012 6:54:11 PM
You just haven't found the right kinky girl yet ;) Don't TELL her either....turn it into a joke! When you're together and things get intimate, and she goes for the shower, sneak in wearing HER panties and dance around. When she see's you she'll DIE laughing...if she has ANY sense of humor at all. The key is to keep it as lighthearted and FUN as possible! I promise!
If she doesn't laugh and rolls her eyes, or even WORSE....SCREAMS!!!...SHE'S not for YOU!!! Not the other way around. You are wonderful just the way you are.
If you find a woman to help you pick out a matching bra and dance around with you...then you've met your match. Sooo much better than the boring 'you on top, me on bottom' routine. This kind of kink could be a blast!!!
 aerotechie
Joined: 6/24/2012
Msg: 167
view profile
History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/19/2012 7:21:31 PM
Personnally I think it's just being close-minded to turn you back because of this, unless it really causes a problem in your life. No I'm not a crossdresser, nor will I ever be. I'll even admit I will sometimes judge people who do, but hey I'm a guy and I guess most of us will do the same.

Perhaps it's just one of those things you should keep to yourself at least in the beginning. If the person doesn't know you enough and you tell them, I can understand the running away, with all the taboos and such. People judge, that's how we all are. Eventually when they truly know you, that shall be the time to tell them. Why would they run away if they know you, like you, and understand it won't influence your life, or theirs?

At least that's how I feel about it. People don't need to know all your little secrets within the first few months. And it's not about hiding anything; you know it's not being harmful. You like doing it and do it when you are alone.... so why bother telling people so fast. We all have our little secrets, don't we?

Either that, or you be upfront about it and tell them before even meeting for in the very beginning, to avoid wasting time.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 168
view profile
History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/22/2012 11:05:24 PM
Aero, the problem is, women don't think crossdressing is a 'little secret'; to them, it's a GREAT BIG DEAL BREAKER. It's something that apparently completely destroys any sexual attraction they feel for a guy. You can wait all you want, but either a woman can see past it, or she won't, that doesn't change with how long they know you. What I'm doing is exactly the last sentence of your post; but by doing so, it's completely demolished any dating life. There are a few gay women I've had as friends, but most people simply don't seem to want me around. It's not usually anything malevolent; it's just that women dont' want to date us, and straight guys usually just like to make fun of us. Gays very often just think we're in denial and that we're homophobes and hate ourselves because as they see it, we're really gay but won't admit it, so lots of them dislike us and don't want us around either. I grew up as the class outcast for another reason, so I don't need to re-live the life of an outcast. Hence, I'm not 'out'.
 justdeb1111
Joined: 8/12/2012
Msg: 169
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/23/2012 2:30:07 AM
Years ago I worked at a Merle Norman makeup studio in Solano Mall (Fairfield). There was this really nice looking man who asked if we would do his "make up" for him for Halloween. "George" was a crossdresser and was going to be "Elvira" for a costume contest. (He crossdressed privately but would not go "out" unless it was Halloween).

We did his makeup and fitted his wig. He was stunning! Looked better than the real Elvira as he had really long legs and the dress showed them off! He sent a studio done picture to Elvira and she sent back an autographed pic of herself :

"To George, the second best looking broad I know".

Always wondered what happend to him. He used to come in, sans makeup, and just chat with us. He didn't talk about his private life much, but, he did say it was really hard finding anyone who wasn't creeped out by his crossdressing. Really nice guy, its a pity the last I heard from him he still hadn't found anyone and was being transferred out of the area. I was married at the time or I would have dated him.
 passion2pleaseaz
Joined: 8/23/2012
Msg: 170
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 11/4/2012 2:54:48 AM
i think its best to be upfront about it as soon as you can.maybe not right at the very beginning but soon there after.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 171
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 11/4/2012 5:51:26 AM

I still refuse to believe that anything outside of serial killing and child molestation is by default "normal". I just don't buy it.


You discussed cultural norms in an earlier post but seem to fail to realize that they ARE cultural "norms." What is "normal" varies from culture to culture, so which overarching culture, deity, or governing body decides what is "normal"?

Most societies have norms that are the same, but they also have great variations even within a culture. We say, "don't kill," but there are many caveats that rule. Vlad Dracul was a "serial" killer, and though we frown on his behavior today and it was seen as harsh in his day, he was never "called out" on it because he was the ruler of his country. Does that mean he was not guilty or that we should condone his acts? Of course not, but in his culture, it was seen as his right.

In the past, child molestation was not seen as evil--but then, neither was rape. Children were regularly married, even before the onset of puberty. Slaves were for pleasure. Does that mean these people were justified in their behavior? Not in my eyes or the eyes of millions, but in those cultures and eras, it was accepted.

But to compare crossdressing with either of the above issues is ludicrous. We define male and female attire, but the lines have blurred. It wasn't all that long ago that women were condemned for wearing pants because it was masculine attire. WHAT we wear is entirely a social construct.

I am sure that I have answered this question before, but no, I wouldn't date a crossdresser. I just don't find men who look like women appealing. I am bi, as well, and I dislike masculine women. Personal preference.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 172
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 11/4/2012 11:03:30 AM
I'm pretty liberal with kinks but at the end of the day, I still like a man to be a man at some point, as well as whatever roleplay gets him off..you can compromise and experiment..and you can also be honest in a profile about it if you want to avoid an awkward "talk" later down the road. I met one guy who mentioned he "gave great foot massages" in his profile, which I construed meaning he had a foot fetish..and it turned out he did. No big deal, was fun. I've noticed men seem to be pretty upfront with their kinks with me, maybe they feel they can be honest as I dont freak out when they reveal themselves. Sometimes trying something new is fun, and it actually helps getting someone off alot easier, you know what does it!

It would be great if people were more comfortable about being honest about stuff that is really important to them but we still live in a pretty uptight society.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 173
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 11/5/2012 9:00:54 PM
""A girl who sometimes wears clothes more appropriate for a boy, and who also likes to take part in activities also considered more appropriate for a boy, but is in all other ways a normal, straight, girl. Well, I'm the reverse; a boy who sometimes wears clothes more appropriate for a girl, and also likes to do things that most people think are only appropriate for a girl, but in all other ways is a normal, straight, male. So, if it's perfectly o.k. for girls, why do women make it such a big deal when boys do it? If anyone has some clues to this, please write to me, I'd be interested in opinions. Thanks.""

Actually, if a tomboy wears jeans and T- shirts which is normally the case... that apparel isn't more appropriate for a boy... but the ones that do try to look like men are NOT considered attractive to the opposite sex but are given the not so flattering title of being "Butch", and treated with scorn or disgust. And I understand that. Men want women to look like women, women want men to look like men. We're hard wired that way.

Bottom line: it's messing up your romantic life. You came here admitting it, and you asked for opinions, only to take issue with anyone who advises you to stop it. MOST women are going to be creeped out by this... and that's just the truth... If you want to stick to doing it anyway, go ahead. It's clear you will no matter what, so, recognize that it comes with a price and live with it. It's pointless to whine about it because it's not going to change. Essentially, you're asking women to go against their natures as to what they find attractive... so as to give you a chance. How realistic is that?

I think it was Coma White who said this wasn't a problem because it wasn't interfering with your job. Ha! As if relationships aren't as important as a lousy JOB.
 Coma White
Joined: 4/11/2004
Msg: 174
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 11/6/2012 1:23:05 AM

Actually, if a tomboy wears jeans and T- shirts which is normally the case... that apparel isn't more appropriate for a boy... but the ones that do try to look like men are NOT considered attractive to the opposite sex but are given the not so flattering title of being "Butch", and treated with scorn or disgust. And I understand that. Men want women to look like women, women want men to look like men. We're hard wired that way.


You're completely ignoring social context. A girl wearing jeans and t shirts would be sent home from school before the late 1960's. Hardly "appropriate apparel." There is no such thing as a binary gender system. A lot of styles remain ambiguous. Would a kickboxer that wears nailpolish be considered feminine or a crossdresser? Would a man that wore women's sneakers because they're comfortable be considered feminine or a crossdresser? Is a musician that wears eyeliner a crossdresser? It would be interesting to look into why humans evolved contrary to other animals on earth. It's typically the male in other species that exhibits bright colours and does some sort of flamboyant dance to attract the female. Your assumption that "hard wiring" is the only influence affecting our behaviour is flawed. You fail to take into account exceptions (those who are attracted to people outside the norm) and those who are bisexual or homosexual. You also fail to include the nature vs nurture argument in your assertion. We're essentially simple robots and we accept what we observe while we are forming our identities. If it was "masculine" for men to paint their faces blue, then the guy that doesn't paint his face blue would be seen as "outside the norm" or less manly, even though the people with blue faces would seem ridiculous in our social context.


I think it was Coma White who said this wasn't a problem because it wasn't interfering with your job. Ha! As if relationships aren't as important as a lousy JOB.


You can't have a true relationship unless you accept yourself first. How can you be with someone that is in love with a false idea of who you are? Healthy relationships usually aren't built on lies. That's why I suggest that people who are outside the vanilla social norms to check out clubs in larger cities. There are open minded people out there if you know where to look. Just as it's not the norm for people to seek out overweight partners, there are those who don't care about yout weight, and even some that prefer larger partners. Sometimes it's worth it to look in the right places.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 175
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 11/6/2012 7:56:31 PM
""Aero, the problem is, women don't think crossdressing is a 'little secret'; to them, it's a GREAT BIG DEAL BREAKER. It's something that apparently completely destroys any sexual attraction they feel for a guy. You can wait all you want, but either a woman can see past it, or she won't, that doesn't change with how long they know you. What I'm doing is exactly the last sentence of your post; but by doing so, it's completely demolished any dating life. There are a few gay women I've had as friends, but most people simply don't seem to want me around. It's not usually anything malevolent; it's just that women dont' want to date us, and straight guys usually just like to make fun of us. Gays very often just think we're in denial and that we're homophobes and hate ourselves because as they see it, we're really gay but won't admit it, so lots of them dislike us and don't want us around either. I grew up as the class outcast for another reason, so I don't need to re-live the life of an outcast. Hence, I'm not 'out'. ""

This is what sometimes miss is dealing with... As to the argument about what's normal, Coma White, we can get caught up in this big tangled debate about it forever but at the end of the day what he says in the above quote tells us what it's doing to his life. If he won't change it or doesn't think he can he's going to have to live with the consequences.

Coming to the forums just seems to be an act of defiance for some people... They get angry when they can't get what they want from people and so they go looking for validation in their belief that EVERYONE else is wrong, or close minded or BAD for not accepting them and this encourages them to keep on with their own self defeating behaviour. That's what is happening here... there's been no real plea for advice, it's just a guy wanting to be told he's right; an admission that he really doesn't care if it's causing problems in his life. He's going to keep doing it anyway with an "in your face", kind of an attitude. As if it's going to hurt anyone but him.

Good luck with that, sometimes miss. You need it.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.