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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.      Home login  
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 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 113
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.Page 7 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I still refuse to believe that anything outside of serial killing and child molestation is by default "normal". I just don't buy it. Many people have psychological issues, (yes, they do) and they manifest in many ways... but rather than address them and work to eradicate them they would rather not do the work and just simply be accepted for them, instead, all the while lying to themselves and to everyone else claiming to be emotionally and psychologically healthy. Because that's what it boils down to. People not wanting to deal with the truth about the fact that they're messed up....And that"s what I mean by normal... emotional and psychological health... it has nothing to do with judging someone for not conforming to social norms.

You also skimmed over the meat of my argument, Coma White, when I pointed out that the Op's cross dressing is interfering in his personal life and yet he can't seem to stop it no matter what it is costing him... making it not so much a choice as a compulsion... if it was a choice, it would be just as easy to stop it as it is to keep on doing it... in fact, it would be EASIER to stop it than to keep on doing it... but that doesn't seem to be the case, here. Yes, he's sick in my opinion.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 114
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/14/2012 5:40:03 PM
I guess you can argue that everything and everyone is normal if you want to make a case for it badly enough... I'm just going to agree to disagree on this one...
 MakeUTingle
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 115
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/16/2012 12:36:13 PM
If crossdressing is enjoyable to the OP and harms nobody...who even cares to classify it as anything at all...much less a "disease"?
 LoveMyDog55
Joined: 7/18/2012
Msg: 116
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/16/2012 1:49:13 PM
I think crossdressers are interesting ~ I've never dated a crossdresser but if I was attracted to someone and we had great chemistry then I wouldn't rule it out
 friendshipcomesfirst
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 117
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/15/2012 9:45:34 PM
I would TOTALLY date a cross dresser... :) Any cross dressers in the denver area wanna go out? lol

Anyway- tell the girls up front, some women are open to it, others aren't. But under no circumstances should someone have to hide such a thing from their significant other, so if the woman says "we're not a good fit" because of it, assume you're not a good fit and move on. I think POF cross dressers should add it to there "interests" section and perhaps have a pic of themselves dressed up... HOTNESS! :D

For the record, I'm entirely straight. I have known since the tenth grade that I think a man wearing a dress is sexy... I was never abused. This is not an ILLNESS! I can not make myself be not attracted to cross dressers and I see no logical reason why they need to be labeled "ill" simply because they enjoy playing dress up.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 118
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/15/2012 11:08:36 PM

I would TOTALLY date a cross dresser... :) Any cross dressers in the denver area wanna go out? lol


Bummer. You just missed the summer picnic, today!

http://www.gicofcolo.org/

Why not volunteer to give make up lessons?
 friendshipcomesfirst
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 119
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/17/2012 9:50:43 PM
Is the center also for cross dressers? Or just transgenders? I have nothing against trannys, but my interest is more in a man who is happy as a man but dresses up sometimes, not someone who is moving out of man and into woman...

I would totally volunteer with makeup! They are gonna put makeup on me, right? Cuz I know very little about the stuff, hardly ever use it (maybe twice a year if I HAVE to)... Wish I had known about the picnic, I would have gone for sure!
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 120
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/18/2012 1:33:47 AM

Is the center also for cross dressers?

Yes.
Did you see the link? I provided it so you could do a little of your own research, if you are sincerely interested.
They have meetings for cross dressers.
They are likely private, but there are plenty of opportunities to help.
Please check out the link.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 121
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/18/2012 4:58:21 PM
Jeri wrote:

You also skimmed over the meat of my argument, Coma White, when I pointed out that the Op's cross dressing is interfering in his personal life and yet he can't seem to stop it no matter what it is costing him... making it not so much a choice as a compulsion... if it was a choice, it would be just as easy to stop it as it is to keep on doing it... in fact, it would be EASIER to stop it than to keep on doing it... but that doesn't seem to be the case, here. Yes, he's sick in my opinion.

Glad the most educated folks on the planet disagree with you. And it's not a compulsion, either. For me, it's a result of being brought up being told that I was really supposed to be a girl, and that person also dressing me as, and treating me as one for many years, often daily for weeks at a time. End result is the situation where I simply feel uncomfortable in male attire. Not quite a 'sickness', but not considered normal either. But because parts of our presonality seem to become 'finalized' at certain stages of physical development, the feeling sort of is stuck with me permanently. There is no treatment; no medication, nothing that will change it. The best analogy I can give you is language and accent; if you learn a new language before puberty, you are much less likely to have a territorial accent, so that aspect is 'finalized' at puberty. While I don't know (and no studies have ever been done) at what point my self identification with attire and behavior regarding gender was finalized, I do know that I'm stuck with what I am.
The best answer that I found recently (thanks to Eddie Izzard), is that I should simply be considered a 'tomgirl'. You all know what a tomboy is, right? A girl who sometimes wears clothes more appropriate for a boy, and who also likes to take part in activities also considered more appropriate for a boy, but is in all other ways a normal, straight, girl. Well, I'm the reverse; a boy who sometimes wears clothes more appropriate for a girl, and also likes to do things that most people think are only appropriate for a girl, but in all other ways is a normal, straight, male. So, if it's perfectly o.k. for girls, why do women make it such a big deal when boys do it? If anyone has some clues to this, please write to me, I'd be interested in opinions. Thanks.
 DesertKat
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 122
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/18/2012 6:54:11 PM
You just haven't found the right kinky girl yet ;) Don't TELL her either....turn it into a joke! When you're together and things get intimate, and she goes for the shower, sneak in wearing HER panties and dance around. When she see's you she'll DIE laughing...if she has ANY sense of humor at all. The key is to keep it as lighthearted and FUN as possible! I promise!
If she doesn't laugh and rolls her eyes, or even WORSE....SCREAMS!!!...SHE'S not for YOU!!! Not the other way around. You are wonderful just the way you are.
If you find a woman to help you pick out a matching bra and dance around with you...then you've met your match. Sooo much better than the boring 'you on top, me on bottom' routine. This kind of kink could be a blast!!!
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 123
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/22/2012 11:05:24 PM
Aero, the problem is, women don't think crossdressing is a 'little secret'; to them, it's a GREAT BIG DEAL BREAKER. It's something that apparently completely destroys any sexual attraction they feel for a guy. You can wait all you want, but either a woman can see past it, or she won't, that doesn't change with how long they know you. What I'm doing is exactly the last sentence of your post; but by doing so, it's completely demolished any dating life. There are a few gay women I've had as friends, but most people simply don't seem to want me around. It's not usually anything malevolent; it's just that women dont' want to date us, and straight guys usually just like to make fun of us. Gays very often just think we're in denial and that we're homophobes and hate ourselves because as they see it, we're really gay but won't admit it, so lots of them dislike us and don't want us around either. I grew up as the class outcast for another reason, so I don't need to re-live the life of an outcast. Hence, I'm not 'out'.
 justdeb1111
Joined: 8/12/2012
Msg: 124
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 9/23/2012 2:30:07 AM
Years ago I worked at a Merle Norman makeup studio in Solano Mall (Fairfield). There was this really nice looking man who asked if we would do his "make up" for him for Halloween. "George" was a crossdresser and was going to be "Elvira" for a costume contest. (He crossdressed privately but would not go "out" unless it was Halloween).

We did his makeup and fitted his wig. He was stunning! Looked better than the real Elvira as he had really long legs and the dress showed them off! He sent a studio done picture to Elvira and she sent back an autographed pic of herself :

"To George, the second best looking broad I know".

Always wondered what happend to him. He used to come in, sans makeup, and just chat with us. He didn't talk about his private life much, but, he did say it was really hard finding anyone who wasn't creeped out by his crossdressing. Really nice guy, its a pity the last I heard from him he still hadn't found anyone and was being transferred out of the area. I was married at the time or I would have dated him.
 passion2pleaseaz
Joined: 8/23/2012
Msg: 125
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 11/4/2012 2:54:48 AM
i think its best to be upfront about it as soon as you can.maybe not right at the very beginning but soon there after.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 126
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 11/4/2012 5:51:26 AM

I still refuse to believe that anything outside of serial killing and child molestation is by default "normal". I just don't buy it.


You discussed cultural norms in an earlier post but seem to fail to realize that they ARE cultural "norms." What is "normal" varies from culture to culture, so which overarching culture, deity, or governing body decides what is "normal"?

Most societies have norms that are the same, but they also have great variations even within a culture. We say, "don't kill," but there are many caveats that rule. Vlad Dracul was a "serial" killer, and though we frown on his behavior today and it was seen as harsh in his day, he was never "called out" on it because he was the ruler of his country. Does that mean he was not guilty or that we should condone his acts? Of course not, but in his culture, it was seen as his right.

In the past, child molestation was not seen as evil--but then, neither was rape. Children were regularly married, even before the onset of puberty. Slaves were for pleasure. Does that mean these people were justified in their behavior? Not in my eyes or the eyes of millions, but in those cultures and eras, it was accepted.

But to compare crossdressing with either of the above issues is ludicrous. We define male and female attire, but the lines have blurred. It wasn't all that long ago that women were condemned for wearing pants because it was masculine attire. WHAT we wear is entirely a social construct.

I am sure that I have answered this question before, but no, I wouldn't date a crossdresser. I just don't find men who look like women appealing. I am bi, as well, and I dislike masculine women. Personal preference.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 127
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 11/4/2012 11:03:30 AM
I'm pretty liberal with kinks but at the end of the day, I still like a man to be a man at some point, as well as whatever roleplay gets him off..you can compromise and experiment..and you can also be honest in a profile about it if you want to avoid an awkward "talk" later down the road. I met one guy who mentioned he "gave great foot massages" in his profile, which I construed meaning he had a foot fetish..and it turned out he did. No big deal, was fun. I've noticed men seem to be pretty upfront with their kinks with me, maybe they feel they can be honest as I dont freak out when they reveal themselves. Sometimes trying something new is fun, and it actually helps getting someone off alot easier, you know what does it!

It would be great if people were more comfortable about being honest about stuff that is really important to them but we still live in a pretty uptight society.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 128
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 11/5/2012 9:00:54 PM
""A girl who sometimes wears clothes more appropriate for a boy, and who also likes to take part in activities also considered more appropriate for a boy, but is in all other ways a normal, straight, girl. Well, I'm the reverse; a boy who sometimes wears clothes more appropriate for a girl, and also likes to do things that most people think are only appropriate for a girl, but in all other ways is a normal, straight, male. So, if it's perfectly o.k. for girls, why do women make it such a big deal when boys do it? If anyone has some clues to this, please write to me, I'd be interested in opinions. Thanks.""

Actually, if a tomboy wears jeans and T- shirts which is normally the case... that apparel isn't more appropriate for a boy... but the ones that do try to look like men are NOT considered attractive to the opposite sex but are given the not so flattering title of being "Butch", and treated with scorn or disgust. And I understand that. Men want women to look like women, women want men to look like men. We're hard wired that way.

Bottom line: it's messing up your romantic life. You came here admitting it, and you asked for opinions, only to take issue with anyone who advises you to stop it. MOST women are going to be creeped out by this... and that's just the truth... If you want to stick to doing it anyway, go ahead. It's clear you will no matter what, so, recognize that it comes with a price and live with it. It's pointless to whine about it because it's not going to change. Essentially, you're asking women to go against their natures as to what they find attractive... so as to give you a chance. How realistic is that?

I think it was Coma White who said this wasn't a problem because it wasn't interfering with your job. Ha! As if relationships aren't as important as a lousy JOB.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 129
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 11/6/2012 7:56:31 PM
""Aero, the problem is, women don't think crossdressing is a 'little secret'; to them, it's a GREAT BIG DEAL BREAKER. It's something that apparently completely destroys any sexual attraction they feel for a guy. You can wait all you want, but either a woman can see past it, or she won't, that doesn't change with how long they know you. What I'm doing is exactly the last sentence of your post; but by doing so, it's completely demolished any dating life. There are a few gay women I've had as friends, but most people simply don't seem to want me around. It's not usually anything malevolent; it's just that women dont' want to date us, and straight guys usually just like to make fun of us. Gays very often just think we're in denial and that we're homophobes and hate ourselves because as they see it, we're really gay but won't admit it, so lots of them dislike us and don't want us around either. I grew up as the class outcast for another reason, so I don't need to re-live the life of an outcast. Hence, I'm not 'out'. ""

This is what sometimes miss is dealing with... As to the argument about what's normal, Coma White, we can get caught up in this big tangled debate about it forever but at the end of the day what he says in the above quote tells us what it's doing to his life. If he won't change it or doesn't think he can he's going to have to live with the consequences.

Coming to the forums just seems to be an act of defiance for some people... They get angry when they can't get what they want from people and so they go looking for validation in their belief that EVERYONE else is wrong, or close minded or BAD for not accepting them and this encourages them to keep on with their own self defeating behaviour. That's what is happening here... there's been no real plea for advice, it's just a guy wanting to be told he's right; an admission that he really doesn't care if it's causing problems in his life. He's going to keep doing it anyway with an "in your face", kind of an attitude. As if it's going to hurt anyone but him.

Good luck with that, sometimes miss. You need it.
 jamie_lee_1963
Joined: 3/27/2013
Msg: 130
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 3/31/2013 8:23:53 AM
There are many that are 'turned off' by a man crossdressing.

However, there are those that embrace and enjoy it.

Maybe it is sexual, perhaps it is more social and emotional. Heck, maybe they just want someone who is willing to go shoe shopping with them. Whatever the reason, they do exist.

No, they are certainly not the majority.

I just think that people need to open their minds. I don't bash a woman who puts on a pair of boots, jeans and a baseball cap and is okay with doing things that typically are considered 'manly'.

The same rights and freedoms one person enjoys, people seem compelled to bash another for.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 131
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 4/30/2013 5:00:45 PM

at the end of the day what he says in the above quote tells us what it's doing to his life. If he won't change it or doesn't think he can he's going to have to live with the consequences

It's not about changing what we're doing. It's about who I am. The reasons for crossdressing are part of how I was brought up, and it effects everything in how I interact with a woman. So I don't have any choice but to live with the consequences of what happened to me that made me feel some things as woman probably does, and one of those is in what I wear.

That's what is happening here... there's been no real plea for advice, it's just a guy wanting to be told he's right; an admission that he really doesn't care if it's causing problems in his life. He's going to keep doing it anyway with an "in your face", kind of an attitude. As if it's going to hurt anyone but him.

This wasn't about being told that I'm right. It's about trying to find someone who can accept who I am, because whether I am dressed as a girl or a guy, the desire to wear female clothes, and the ramifications of that, will always be there. You think that I don't care that it's causing problems in my life, and that I can just stop?? Really, you think that it's just some kind of pasttime like baseball, a hobby that we choose or something along those lines. Wow are you misinformed.

There are many that are 'turned off' by a man crossdressing. However, there are those that embrace and enjoy it.

Few and very far between, and there's no way to find them. There are no straight girl/crossdresser clubs, no dating sites for crossdressers to meet women who are accepting of it, nothing. Anywhere. Even the few women who might be accepting of it are usually embarrased to tell anyone because having a feminine male mate isn't something most women want other women to know about, we're not exactly considered a 'good catch'.
 Michaelanns_Married
Joined: 7/5/2012
Msg: 132
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 5/26/2013 2:54:57 PM

Few and very far between, and there's no way to find them. - sometimes-miss

I have a friend (I have actually seen him on this thread several times) who tells me that heavy metal lovers, are a bit more open to this kind of thing. I don't know if you like heavy metal, or if there are any clubs/groups where you are at, but I figured it was worth mentioning. I have actually found that artists & musicians, writers, tend to be a bit more open minded about life in general. Free-thinkers, if you will. That might be an avenue worth considering.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You can't have a true relationship unless you accept yourself first. How can you be with someone that is in love with a false idea of who you are? Healthy relationships usually aren't built on lies. That's why I suggest that people who are outside the vanilla social norms to check out clubs in larger cities. There are open minded people out there if you know where to look. Just as it's not the norm for people to seek out overweight partners, there are those who don't care about your weight, and even some that prefer larger partners. Sometimes it's worth it to look in the right places. - Coma White

There's the quote I was looking for, of course I couldn't find it before!!
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 133
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 5/26/2013 8:12:27 PM
If a met a man who secretly crossdress , I don't want to know it, because I think it is perversion. But what I don't know won't hurt me.
There are macho men who crossdress making love to a woman ,some women like it,but not all women .
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 134
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 6/20/2013 6:07:17 PM
""Reading through the posts since I've last been to this thread, there's an amazing number of people who think crossdressing is something we consciously chose to do, as if one day, we sat down, and said to ourselves, 'Gee, I'd like to start a hobby which will make me a pariah among all the people I might ever be attracted to, something that would brand me as a pervert by much of the world's population, and make me a social outcast to many others.' It's this kind of misunderstanding that causes most of the problems.""

What's stopping you from seeking professional help? You'd rather let this ruin your life than do that... which IS a choice...

I don't think you're choosing this... because the ability to choose is HEALTHY...when you have the ability to choose it means you have control over your own mind and actions and emotions which is exactly what being mentally and emotionally healthy is all about.... healthy people are never going to continue to do something that is self destructive .... they can and will stop because it's EASY for them... they aren't controlled by self destructive compulsions...

If you lack that control.... you're not mentally healthy. Which means you need help but you won't go there... the only one to blame for your problems is you.

And if you were raised by someone who was dressing you as a girl... my god... to downplay that by saying it's just "the way you were raised"... as if that wasn't totally weird.... is delusional. You were abused and you need help.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 135
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 6/21/2013 10:42:09 AM
Your arguments are weak Coma White... taking every twisting path around the point you can find...

""Why pay for professional help? They could just ask you. You seem to be an expert on the subject.""

You seem to be the expert... you've taken it upon yourself to answer back to every opinion posted here as though you are taking it all personally... I'm guessing you and the OP have a lot in common...
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 136
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 6/21/2013 7:12:28 PM
Your version of the facts... and getting bent out of shape over every opinion that differs from yours..

And I'm not telling anyone what to do... I'm giving my opinion, which is what the forums are for...

I don't know what cross dressers think when they look in the mirror but they should try to see themselves through a woman's eyes... dresses, wigs... eww... how terrifying and sickly ridiculous they look... they LOOK mentally ill.

And now I'm done.
 SCCrab
Joined: 3/13/2011
Msg: 137
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History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 7/23/2013 4:13:46 PM
It is encouraging to see that there are some GGs that are open minded enough to accept a crossdresser. I have had a couple girlfriends that were open to my crossdressing, it can really be lots of fun to share this with a partner.

Now I just need to find someone near enough for dating/relationship.

I don’t see the link to the forums on POF anymore so I’m wondering how many people visit these forums now days.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.