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 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 112
Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?Page 7 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
If and when that trust is broken it can make your heart stop, hoping that it never starts again. We reflect more on the cause and we try to work through the "what just happened"?

That actually describes, for me, more what happened when I was 17 than what happens now. At 17 I didn't appreciate that people lie, or in fact *don't know* who they are.

With one exception in my life (my second marriage) it has never been natural upfront pheromones/chemistry; it has *always* been a gradual process of getting to know someone's soul: their real authentic self, and *then* letting one's own natural chemical factory go into high gear. Even then, things may go wrong -- there may be more baggage than is easily found out. There may be more diverse interests/desires/needs/drives than can be melded into the relationship you wish for. There have never been any guarantees that both will grow the same direction, or at all.

I've never recovered easily from love's end; I still don't. And as I've gotten older, I'm less inclined to believe without verifying. BUT. Even given that, falling/becoming in love is pretty much the same thing. The joy, the elation, the over-the-moon sensation: the same. The living out of the day to day has been even better because I've *chosen* better. More harmony, less conflict: I've learned and they've learned to communicate better. Things don't fester: they're addressed and solved. The pleasure quotient has risen considerably.

Grow old along with me; the best is yet to be. . . . And dat's da troot!!

 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 115
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Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 2/8/2010 9:01:34 AM
As I get deeper, more spiritual and more sophisticated, falling in love is also deeper, more spiritual and more sophisticated-! The raptures of youth are a bit more measured, I don't just hop into bed right away, but the new depth is appealing too!
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 117
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Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 2/9/2010 2:33:20 AM
your point is interesting cynthia. i am at that very juncture right now. my definition of love is pretty much what you say. i have always said there is much strength in vulnerablity. i tend to share my joys and my fears--but it has to be a two way street and it has to be mutually safe.

i am finding that many let fear be a barrier to relating or it becomes the thread of their existence, so there is not much joy, alongside what is feared. they must think that what they fear is a secret, and don't welcome others in, to share and thus be found out. i'm not sure that i get that approach.

having spent a lot of time in think tank mode in nyc and much of my life at work, there has always been openness and growth. now, i'm not clear if it's regional differences or that i am no longer working and missing out on that kind of energy. but, i am clear that i have been allowing myself to be distracted and to go off on relationship tangents.

i have spent a good part of my life disproportionately trying to assuage the fearful and walking wounded-- instead of going inward, and finding "MY" barriers that have not let me open up to those who do know how to love and to share.

parrothead, another pof'er once said to me, that we are all our one common denominator. so, it's hard and not readily apparent, but slowly i am seeing things in my self and life, that had advantages in certain ways, but were "missing" in other respects. i tend to do things backwards. the successful career, adopting the kids at age 50, etc. now, i have to slow down and sit with myself and remember a whole lot of my life, in order to decipher patterns.

there is a chemistry measure on one of pof's personality tests. it talks about self control and i have yet to read on anyone's profile that they have that, myself included.

so, now is the time....gotta get it right, therefore "me" right....but yes, the love is still there, but the added thought is the focus now.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 120
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Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 2/9/2010 10:28:08 AM
raravos41. well that's a bummer. what about not putting life on hold and believing that there is a good chance?!*
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 123
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Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 2/9/2010 11:02:21 PM
well yes, heart tunes and no offense taken. except when one does what one does, it is selfish at the time it is done! it is afterwards, that the aha moments start to bombard "my" psyche, as intuitively at first something is not right-- and then after a while it suddenly rises to consciousness.

so now, time for introspection and the next transition! i own what i do. but deep rooted change (growth) takes a lot more work. this is why there are so many books and definitions of love. easy to fall and to me, not something that diminishes with age. but, it is the journey after the fall, that i am seriously thinking about now. i think everything we each do is selfish. but healthy is another story!
 rustytraveler
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 124
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Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 2/9/2010 11:19:38 PM
Hell... I wouldn't know .... after 4 yrs online in Italy, think I could count on one hand the Europeans that would even vaguely consider the concept.
As for the sex mad Casanovas on the boot? They've all got a mamma who takes care of stuff, why bother with an actual 'girlfriend' .
Some of the Brits, Dutch, Germans etc ... do consider the love option on occasion... but then it's a whole new language and culture to wade through..... and you yanks thought you had problems .
 lonelydavid77
Joined: 5/7/2007
Msg: 128
Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 2/10/2010 2:40:01 PM
I cannot answer this question in all honesty, because as of yet I haven't found my third true love.

My first was in High School, my second I married, my third is yet to be found. I am willing and able, I am sure of what I would like to attain in a relationship, and am not worried about any of the forthcoming derelictions of body functions, I feel I will deal with them as they encroach upon my lifestyle. Which by the way is so profoundly different than what it was 10 years ago!
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 133
Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 2/11/2010 12:28:32 PM
Falling in love after 45 for me wasn't hard at all.
I didn't notice a difference from when I was younger.
What I have found in my later years that I didn't find
when I was younger is unrequited love.
Apparently I forgot to be cautious and to tread lightly
with my guard up and my defenses at the ready...looking
for a reason not to trust.
I almost wish my previous relationship had left me with
the inability to love again...I find unrequited love harder
to get over.
But that could just be me.
What the heck do I know...I'm here posting with you guys.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 142
Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 2/15/2010 8:56:42 AM
I don't find falling in love to be different. What I find different is the type of relationship I want (have) that is different. I don't focus on the future and lose track of what today with the person is all about. In other words, I don't sweat all those little things that people tend to do when they're younger. It makes for a much more relaxed relationship without "things" getting in the way.
 URXO2
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 144
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Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 2/16/2010 2:17:53 PM
Ismene1 Qoute:

I am wondering about all the feelings associated with 'falling in love.' All the feelings, all the behavior, etc. Do you think it is different for people who are in their late 40's or in their 50's, 60's, and so on, than it is for younger people.

Can't say I can speak from experience as I haven't been that lucky yet, I'm thinking those euphoric emotions would feel even better the second time around, but I would like to see one difference, I'd like it to last forever this time..
 jonas63
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 150
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Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 2/23/2010 11:29:04 AM
Don't think is different...its just more difficult.
 MsRobbieAnn
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 151
Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 2/24/2010 2:19:04 PM
To me personally it is different to fall in love at a later age... You understand it more you know what to expect and you understand the feelings more than when you were in your teens and early 20's... and ho-pefully know the differance between love and lust
 satx78218
Joined: 10/30/2007
Msg: 154
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Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 4/29/2010 10:48:20 AM
It's exactly the same.

"If you can't be with the one you love, then ..." I think about her, talk to her, want her, etc, etc.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 157
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Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 4/29/2010 4:23:09 PM
" too little baggage, as in not enough experience upon which to make or evaluate certain choices."

I can even remember thinking this adventure is going to cost me financially and emotionally. Today, I would walk away from the situation.

"I'll be able to weigh my feelings against experiences."

That makes so much sense. The older we get, the more we realize certain types of love just aren't worth it.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 161
Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 4/30/2010 9:05:39 PM

.........just have the right man to take the risk with me...............


That's the only pre-requisite that's the hardest to fulfil. Most are too scared and too scarred to want to try. They want the sex without the emotional ties.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 164
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Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 5/10/2010 8:16:16 PM
For me.........I find that I don't fall in love as quickly as I thought I did when I was younger!!
I now know what love really is......and I don't confuse lust and wanting to be in love.....with actually being in love.

and yes.......it is different for me now.
Because I can appreciate what being "in love" really means.......and I know
it gets harder and harder to find true love these days.
 Doc_Sage
Joined: 2/25/2009
Msg: 168
Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 6/3/2010 8:48:48 PM
The "falling in love" part is the same but... my expectations are different.

I lived alone for 7 or 8 years before returning to the "search" and, I will be honest, I am not looking for a "wife", someone to share a home with. See, I love my evenings alone, listening to my jazz/blues CD's, reading my books and going to bed when I feel so. If I feel like pasta three nights in a row, I do not get a rebuff. No skin milk in my fridge. I do not have to put up with the boob tube, I find little of interest on TV except for the hockey finals. My home is decorated in my style, without plastic flowers and doilies. No Harlequin novels in my bookcase.

Now days, I am looking for a lover...but not 24/7. Someone to share a meal out a few times a month, to enjoy a play or a concert, a hand to hold during my next walk by the water. Someone to share a joke in private, someone to dance with, someone to give me an opinion on my next wardrobe purchase...and, yes, someone to cook for when I feel like it. Oh...I almost forgot, someone to travel with.

Being in my 50's I have different needs, different then in my 20's. I have no need to have a kid to raise, been there, done that. No need to own a house with a yard for the dog, my small condo does me well.

Well, I hate to tell you ladies,but I have found my "someone". Here on PoF.
 rustytraveler
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 170
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Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 6/3/2010 10:50:30 PM
That struck a cord from one Rusty to another:


I'm looking for full time. I want someone in my life full time not just on my whim or his whim. I like all of the things that you mentioned above but I can be reading in the bedroom while you watch a hockey game or you can read in the den while I paint at the kitchen table. I can buy two kinds of milk, it's cheap. I can go to bed at 10 and you at 11. All of this worked for me in my 30 marriage, I like a home and a home can be a house, condo, apartment - just doesn't matter. It's the people inside that make it a home.


And what I have seen as the Catch 22 of us/we over 45s.... most men only want to hook up for sex when it suits them and most women love the company of a good man. It seems we have divergent needs at this time of life.. if not for much longer than we realize. I have spoken with many women, seen their comments here and on other sites and am quite amazed that whatever has come their way in life, by choice or default... they still want to love someone and be loved back.

Doesn't seem the case for that vast number of men still single however. I see more negativity towards women than the other way around.... they simply don't need us in the same way as we want and need them... and perhaps that is the fundamental difference between men and women. They get stuck in procreation and we remain nurturers and the upholders of human connections. There is often a lot of bitterness and talk about "How men are taken to the cleaners" when here is a little article for your perusal: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/25/divorce-women-research.... and yet we persevered with less money and usually the total responsibility of raising the kids ... and are still here looking for a partner to share the road home; smarter, not as naive maybe, with some criteria to protect our mental and physical health.... but still willing. Does this seem common among the men?


I'm looking for full time. I want someone in my life full time not just on my whim or his whim. I like all of the things that you mentioned above but I can be reading in the bedroom while you watch a hockey game or you can read in the den while I paint at the kitchen table. I can buy two kinds of milk, it's cheap. I can go to bed at 10 and you at 11. All of this worked for me in my 30 marriage, I like a home and a home can be a house, condo, apartment - just doesn't matter. It's the people inside that make it a home.


I totally agree with your flexibility here.... none of us are selfish teenagers anymore, we've learned a few lessons going down the pike, if we were ever selfish in the first place? Good women like to SHARE, at least most of my friends that I value do. At this point I don't think any of us wants to oppress or subjugate anyone..... I know that I don't and never have. But want of 'sharing' at this time of our lives.. the time, energy and freedom we now have, with respect and acceptance of the differences and uniqueness of each of us is still an idea that I find quite healthy, if somewhat disappointingly futile it seems .


So I guess it boils down to a few differing opinions and options at our age - some want part time, some want full time, some want to ride solo, some ride in a group, and I could go on but he list would be long. I hope we all find what we need.


There's the rub..... is it possible?

 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 171
Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 6/4/2010 10:57:34 PM
You know, funny how that job advertisement thing works. . . . My last love had been single for about five years. And looking. In NYC. For a sweet young thang. And he had plenty of young actresses hitting on him. I wasn't remotely near what he'd been looking for. We got involved with each other over a year blogging together on the Howard Dean blog. Ended up taking it to private email, and then meeting. My first visit was 10 days, my second 30 days, and the next we were virtually living together, and made it official at Christmas. Keep in mind, I was *not* what he'd been seeking.

One night we were watching TV, he in his chair, me lying on the couch, holding hands. I happened to look up, and his face looked like a little thunder cloud. "Wha?" "Oh, I was just being angry at God for keeping you out of my life for so long. . . ." Perhaps we'd all be more successful if we didn't narrow our parameters so much?

 Mon Cherie
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 172
Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 6/5/2010 1:27:36 AM
I haven't fallen in love in so long I don't know if it would be different than when I was younger. But I hope I find out someday.
 Wahoo4me
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 173
Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 10/31/2011 9:13:38 AM
I am 45 and in love -- really -- for the first time in my life. I had many romances in my 20s, met and married what I thought was my best friend in my 30s, and divorced a few years back. When I met my love, I was in the process of preparing myself mentally to "settle." You know, find someone who meets the requirements, someone you like and want to spend time with, but not necessarily someone who knocks your socks off. Boy, was I in for a surprise when my man walked through that door and I touched his hand for the first time. I'll be taking down my profile on this site today.

And yes, it really is the same in almost every way. I do think men are better able to express themselves, their feelings, when they're older and so that makes it even more intense. And I do think 45+ people are able to gauge more quickly whether the relationship is a true "keeper."
 zippytwo
Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 174
Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 10/31/2011 4:57:26 PM
Yes, it's different....we've heard all the 'lines' and can pick up on the 'red flags' quickly and know we won't settle for anyone just to be in a relationship. We've gained wisdom over the years, and have seen a lot.

The feeling of falling in love is the same, that doesn't change, but we have. It's a wonderful feeling and fortunate are those that experience that again. It would be awesome if it happened and I haven't given up all hope for it, just not holding my breath!
 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 176
Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 11/1/2011 9:00:20 PM
I know that many people see love as something you fall into. Something that sneaks up on you and knocks you over the head. I've been one of those people. But now, I think love is something you do. Something you give away to others and hopefully are given in return. What we call love when we are young and inexperienced can often be something else. (Or amplified by something else.) Lust. Obsession. Ego. Desperation. (I'm sure the list goes on.)

I think that as we get older and more experienced, we don't let these things cloud our judgement as much, or maybe we just become jaded. In either event, we tend to choose who we love, rather than trying to love whoever gets our blood up, or presents herself/himself in a time of need or weakness. That's if we allow ourselves to love at all.
 travelinshoes5
Joined: 10/16/2011
Msg: 177
Is falling in love different at age 45+ than when you are younger?
Posted: 11/2/2011 12:13:56 AM
I fell in love and the hurt is ten times as bad as high school
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