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 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 92
Taking a break from DatingPage 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Yes, of course, it's all my fault. I want to be cheated on and I pick the ones that have "cheater" written on their forehead. Alrighty then......
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 93
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/11/2014 10:33:48 PM
My dear, I never said you want to be cheated on and you pick the pick the ones that have "cheater" written on their forehead but I did say its your fault.

Rule number one; learn to accept your role in everything that happens in your life.
From there, figure out what you can learn from that.
You WILL need to make changes...or things will just remain the same.
Your choice
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 94
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/12/2014 6:52:09 AM
Karma, whatever you do, please exit the man hater club before trying to date again and don't implement a 90 day probationary period for your future suitors:)

You sound upset and rightly so.

Nobody wants to feel like they have to prove they're better then your ex's.

As far as digging up stuff on guys, I hope you didn't resort to having a friend send the dude messages on PoF to test his integrity? I've seen that crap before I've even met the woman and I have no problem blocking her and her friend for 'testing' me.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 95
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/12/2014 7:51:09 AM

Karma, whatever you do, please exit the man hater club before trying to date again and don't implement a 90 day probationary period for your future suitors:)


I don't think Karma is in the Man haters club, but in the look what I keep attracting type of club. Another group of people with a high incidence of cheating are cops. And before people jump on me about his, yes there are a lot of cops that are not cheaters.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 96
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/12/2014 9:17:31 PM
No, I didn't "test" him. I know women who have profiles up on POF in my city, and we were exchanging war stories. I asked advice about this guy being so "elusive", and showed them his profile. Lo and behold he had messaged them several times while we had already been "together" for six months. Before I found out I had my suspicions already and bluntly asked him several times, which he of course denied. After I got proof, I was done with him. I'm actually glad, because once I find out what a lying dirt bag someone is, I usually get over that person pretty quickly. He is not what he pretended to be, so I"m not sad to lose a great guy. Losing a great guy due to a misunderstanding is horrible, losing a lying POS not so much. Makes me more wary of men in general, but oh well. I'm talking to a guy right now who is not looking for a relationship and is upfront and honest about it. I can appreciate that. He is hot and I need some TLC, so we'll see about that one. A little rebound fling might be what I need, since the other guy and I only got intimate twice in the last six months.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 97
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/12/2014 9:24:32 PM
TrustInKarma...plus your physical appearance is that of a woman in 28 y.o. - 30 y.o. span.
So that might be what is potentially getting you romantically engaged with younger military men.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 98
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/12/2014 9:36:25 PM
LOL Eric, so should I make myself look older? Whatever the case might be, I live right next door to the biggest military installation west of the Mississippi. So yeah, they are all over the place and are kind of hard not to run into. But like I said, it's not just the younger ones, it's the ones my age and older too, who have turned out to be duds.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 99
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/13/2014 8:03:01 AM
Back to the topic, I have stopped dating completely. My last date was....Jan 2013.

I closed my online account in 2012 and do not pursue dating in the real world either. I will be completely honest-part of the reason is ME. I started out, after ending a 9 year relationship in 2009 with all the excitement and confidence in the world about dating again. Shot of the cannon with online dating and got my a** handed to me, fast. Big dose of reality. Not just about guys who were lying, looking for fast sex, all the stuff I could blame men for, but the biggest issue is with myself.

The dating experiences sucked the confidence right out of me. Date after date, no matter how fun, how interesting, etc..never led to another. Sometimes because I found out the guy was just after sex, or, if I liked them and was interested, they never called back, or they friendzoned me, telling me I was not dating material in their opinion, but they thought I would be "great to hang out with. "

Maybe a "normal" strong person would just laugh it all off.

I admit, I was beyond crushed. I took it all way too hard. It really started to chew at me, made me feel unattractive and screwed up, trying to go over and over in my mind what on earth was I lacking, that they would find some other woman they liked...and it was never me. I was always left alone, unless I was up for some instant Craiglist style fast sex with someone with herpes.

About nine months into the online thing I crashed and burned, feeling really depressed. I felt something was really wrong, really off. I had had two almost ten year relationships, and now, in my 40's, I rarely had a second date with someone who was not after fast sex. The only way I could see them again is as a "buddy."

A stronger person would persevere, I guess. I came away looking at myself as flawed and unlovable, never able to connect like I would love to with a man. None of this is because I hate men, although a couple people here have said I am a "man hater." Quite the opposite. I LOVE men, adore them, and would love love love a wonderful man to share my life with.

What a fantastic thing that would be-a miracle.

But online is just not the place for me, personally. And I have lost all confidence in myself, as I have tried to meet people in real life, chatting in public with men, at parties, and getting zero response. There came a point, as a middle age woman, where it was no longer fun. It was demoralizing and depressing, and I finally just stopped trying.

It's hard for some of us. Very very hard, and heartbreaking. And the "giving up" part is MY doing. That is MY choice. I decided I was not worth it anymore because of such incredibly poor results.

I suppose in a way I have a long term plan, which is to ride out the last of my 40's without the pressure of struggling to get a man to even look up from his celphone and at my face as I talk to him. Maybe in my 50's, after alot of therapy and a newly instilled belief that I actually matter to people I can find the courage to believe I am worth something to them, and actually beleive when I approach them to talk I am worth their time. Maybe moving out of LA is the answer, but i cant do that right now.

I know alot of people have a hard time meeting others because of the dismissive attitude in this city. I talk alot about how celphones have taken over people's attention and make communicating really hard, but here in LA, it is tenfold.

Really, above all, I just want to be HAPPY. This is my challenge to work on. Has nothing to do with men. There are some great and wonderful men out there. I know many of them, and their wives are darned lucky, and so so blessed.

I have to find it in myself to keep forging ahead, not take the "one date thing" so personally, and keep the hope that somewhere, out there, there IS someone who would be true to me, love me, value me and help nourish my soul, and I his, and I need to find strength for that journey to find him.

Meanwhile, I hope my advice here helps even one person. It is advice born from alot of experience trying to navigate the waters. I am clearly still interested in relationships, as I am here every day trying to help others, maybe help them avoid some of the stuff I went thru, and share what I learned. It's all I can do, and maybe part of the healing process for me.

There is nothing, nothing in this world, more profound, more healing and more valuable to me than the love of a wonderful man.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 100
view profile
History
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/13/2014 8:06:11 AM

I'm talking to a guy right now who is not looking for a relationship and is upfront and honest about it. I can appreciate that. He is hot and I need some TLC, so we'll see about that one. A little rebound fling might be what I need, since the other guy and I only got intimate twice in the last six months.


If he is dating other women (most likely), are you going to be able to handle that?

Bouncing from one guy to the next...wash, rinse, and repeat.

A long break from dating will be helpful. It's working for me.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 101
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/13/2014 8:14:44 AM

Really, above all, I just want to be HAPPY. This is my challenge to work on. Has nothing to do with men.

Plucking this out of the post and quoting it. So true - figuring out how to be happy as a heterosexual woman has absolutely nothing to do with men. Men are nice, they are around, they are fun at times but should not be where you get your happiness from if you plan on living a balanced healthy life. They will be drawn to happiness you're already exuding, especially if they have also figured out how to be content within themselves - they are likely not going to want to be the ones responsible for it as a whole. Most people don't want that job - nor should they.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 102
view profile
History
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/13/2014 8:19:29 AM
And, btw, even in a relationship, even with a really great partner who is everything you want, it will be up to you to continue to make yourself happy because nobody else can do that for you. So, you might as well learn it while you're on your own. It's much easier and simpler that way, and the issue of where you stand on your own doesn't get clouded by your issues as a couple -- because there WILL be issues.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 103
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/13/2014 8:40:36 AM
VK, by 'wonderful man', don't you mean baggage free, as in 'debt free', 'STD free' and 'lives alone'? These issues aren't usually first date conversations.

It sounds like your version of a wonderful man is a man that offers what you offer? An equal? Nothing wrong with that. A renter might not be appealing to a homeowner and a couch potato not as appealing to a triathlete, but instead of focusing on the 'commitment', you appear to be focusing on a list of 'equal to me' items.

If you're holding off on intimacy until you vet these guys with your list, that's fine, but be prepared for a lot of friendzoning. That approach seems a little too mechanical. You know, like you're vetting us as husband material asap, which'll send us running...

Maybe you hate men that aren't husband worthy??

Karma, you had a boring marriage and you want passion. Nothing wrong with that, but your disgust with your results indicates you want more then just passion. Stop offering passion to get a serious relationship (i.e. giving sex for love). These guys will gladly accommodate you by faking love for sex. I know you have more to offer then passion:)

Also, discussing a guy's profile with other women on PoF is disturbing. Do men do this? I don't. I've experienced a few of these digital posse's testing me with emails and now you admit to discussing a man's profile with other women on PoF. Warning to playas...those ladies you're chatting up are comparing notes...

Jeez, you were together for 6 months and still had active profiles? Doesn't sound like you were really together. I'm not shy about asking to take down a profile. Did you ask him to hide profiles? Even if you can't totally hide them now due to PoF restrictions, then delete them. I would hope that you heard the words 'I love you' in that 6 month period?

Statistically speaking, men say it first, and usually at the 4 month mark (+/- a few weeks, lol). So, if you both claimed love then deleting profiles is very reasonable unless you're both using the forums?

IMHO, I'd give up on the forums in a heartbeat and delete my profile if I met someone and fell for her. No ifs, ands or butts about it.

If the words 'I love you' were never exchanged in that 6 months? Well, there you go:(

Let us know how the rebound fling works for you.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 104
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/13/2014 9:10:24 AM

Sometimes because I found out the guy was just after sex, or, if I liked them and was interested, they never called back, or they friendzoned me, telling me I was not dating material in their opinion, but they thought I would be "great to hang out with. "


Perhaps you have such an idealized image of what a man should be, that either they don't fit it, or you put walls right away and they sense that and want to retreat. So realize first that ALL men are flawed. That all men WANT sex.

I like sex and I want sex. Lot's of sex. And quick sex and slow sex. With that said, I wanted it with one person, in a monogamous relationship. So I found someone that fits that ticket. But it requires that we also look at the other flaws and accept them. The reason that maybe men friendzoned you when you are very attractive is because they sense your wall, and to get past that wall in the end you have to do something that is very difficult to do, and that is to let yourself be vulnerable.

Good luck VK.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 105
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/13/2014 9:14:07 AM
Clooney, I asked him repeatedly to take his profile down. I took mine down for a while. He always had a good excuse not to, and of course, because I like him so much, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And yes, women DO talk about men they date with other women. It's not disturbing, it's normal. Looks like he took his profile down now, that I dumped him, because I can't see it anymore. Maybe he realized that he fvcked up? Yeah, right, not going to happen.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 106
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/13/2014 9:24:17 AM
when I was young, I realized that if I had a suspicion about a person...its b/c I was right. My "gut feeling" had to do with the fact I wasn't seeing the behavior of a person who truly was what they should have been. Instead, I was seeing the behavior of someone who had something to hide. Had they been real, they couldn't have hid themselves if they tried--they would have instinctively done what was natural, not hid it.

if you're finding your suspicions come true more often than they don't...its time to stop giving breaks to people in hopes of getting something in return. or giving them breaks in order to get crumbs in return. giving breaks may be the reason a person keeps attracting people who are in desperate need of having breaks given, instead of people who are real from the start.

and, of course, taking a break from dating may help one to work on the reason why they give breaks.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 107
view profile
History
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/13/2014 9:31:24 AM
Karma that's the dude you dated last fall who kept blowing you off, correct.? And everybody told you he had you on a string and to listen to your instincts. And then you started dating him again. And that's when you found out that he had been seeing other people the whole time. And now you're acting as if it was all a big surprise and you never saw it coming.

If you didn't see this one coming, it was because you refused to listen to your gut instinct and that of everybody else.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 108
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/13/2014 11:35:32 AM

If you didn't see this one coming, it was because you refused to listen to your gut instinct and that of everybody else.


Sometimes you are the last person to distinguish the forest from the trees. Everyone told me about an ex of mine. I did not listen. I split up with her 3 times. Went back to her. Eventually it collapsed to a level that I was able to see the light and see how stupid I was.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 109
view profile
History
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/13/2014 4:51:12 PM

Sometimes you are the last person to distinguish the forest from the trees. Everyone told me about an ex of mine. I did not listen. I split up with times. Went back to her. Eventually it collapsed to a level that I was able to see the light and see how stupid I was.


I've been there...done that..got the t-shirt.

Mine was on and off for over 7 years. I caught her in several lies and looked past these red flags. I was too nice and forgiving. She broke it off with me multiple times and was with somebody else immediately. I suspect there was always somebody else on the backburner. When that would collapse she would come back. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

@Karma...As you can see, many of us have made the same mistake over and over hoping for a different result the next time. I learned that people are who they are I can't change them.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 3/22/2014
Msg: 110
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/13/2014 5:18:00 PM

I'm talking to a guy right now who is not looking for a relationship and is upfront and honest about it. I can appreciate that. He is hot and I need some TLC, so we'll see about that one. A little rebound fling might be what I need, since the other guy and I only got intimate twice in the last six months.


Karma.....based on your prior posts on other threads, there is no doubt you want a relationship. And maybe you were kidding about a rebound fling......hope so as I think you may regret it at some point.....maybe not? You have not been out in the dating world that long and as the saying goes, kiss a lot of frogs before your meet your prince....you'll meet someone......you'll probably meet someone sooner than later especially since you attract the young and older ones.
Your picker is probably off a notch, so now you are a little wiser but to be wary of men in general.....probably too harsh, maybe cautious is a better word. :)

On topic, taking mini dating breaks is a good idea when negative attitudes (rightfully so) pop up here and there. But you never know, that next person you meet, might be someone who sticks......?
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 111
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/13/2014 6:11:21 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^
Spot on regarding the mini breaks. I think the ladies have an easier time with this then the men:(

Maybe in 10 years? lol

I'm cautiously optimistic that dating has more to offer then flings.

I think Karma's a beautiful woman with a lot to offer. I hope she's kidding about that rebound fling too.

You'll find a lot of things besides love if you focus on flings.

She sounds like my polar opposite. I assume all women want husband/commitment friendly guys and she's assuming all men want sex, right out of the gate. I think we're both attracting the wrong people with our behavior.

Slowing down and enjoying the journey takes patience:)
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 112
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/14/2014 7:51:08 PM
You know what's cool about not dating??

You can become that self adsorbed a$$hole that is emotionally unavailable. Heck...you might just have enough money to buy some toys too.

There's benefits to not dating:)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 113
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/14/2014 10:18:29 PM

You know what's cool about not dating??

You can become that self adsorbed a$$hole that is emotionally unavailable. Heck...you might just have enough money to buy some toys too.

Don't kid yourself - many people do this while in relationships/married. It's not specifically connected to being single at all.
 jrb1979
Joined: 11/19/2011
Msg: 114
view profile
History
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/16/2014 10:03:06 AM
I have been on a break from dating for almost 2 years now. I got tired of the dating scene and I kept meeting the wrong women. I felt I needed a break and to focus on myself. I am working on buying a house within the next year and making my life better. I don't need someone in my life for me to be happy.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 3/22/2014
Msg: 115
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/22/2014 6:11:16 PM

Can you wise forum folk think of some advice that you can give someone like me that may not get many messages and not have it affect my self-esteem?


TerCampbell:

I started online dating when I was close to forty-four. Now that I am forty-six, I have noticed a small decline in receiving emails. I attribute this to age only as quite frankly, I'm getting better looking as I get older. :P

With that said, does it bother me? ....nope. Why? Because this is an excellent opportunity for me to INITIATE more
emails versus just responding to them. The result: I am currently in a relationship and YEP! I initiated contact with him. And YEP, all from POF.

Don't let it affect your self-esteem. Don't take it personally, because it's not. You are only 42, so with good photos, good profile, I would imagine you will receive a good number of emails. However, don't let that stop you from initiating your own emails. Good luck!


I myself have taken a break from dating after my last relationship ended and because I was busy with some difficult classes I was taking. I am getting ready to revamp my profile and get out there again


It's good to take dating breaks....when you come back to the dating world, hopefully refreshed and ready to pounce!
So to speak :)
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 116
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 6/23/2014 12:08:07 AM
Well, it seems that every time Im trying to take break, I get flooded with messages, and when I'm looking, it's chirping crickets. I have quite a few interesting people lined up, but it looks like it will have to wait until July because I have made quite a few plans with friends and I will not cancel them because of a guy. It's crazy how this dating stuff works sometimes.
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