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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Why do some men act interested, then pull back?      Home login  
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 Javan2
Joined: 7/9/2005
Msg: 126
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?Page 6 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
From reading the O.P., what I hear is a woman who thinks that she doesn't have to show any interest in the guy. He has to make all "ALL" the moves to get the relationship moving forward? Maybe he senses from you that, "You're just not that into him"? Message 141^^^^^ Thanks for mentioning the book, but why not tell us about the author? At least give us his name.
 rodneyg79
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 127
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 9/27/2008 10:49:38 PM
Well sometimes as one gets to know another person on a deeper level things that they don't like and aren't willing to accept can come to the surface. Thus, they pull back despite their initial interest.

In your particular case the guy may have been opposed to dating a women with kids, but liked you so he decided to just give it a shot and see if maybe he could deal with it. After giving it a shot he may have just decided it wasn't something he could deal with and thus pulled back.

All in all this is just part of the normal dating process. It surely does suck I can say, but it's going to happen. Sometimes you'll be the one doing the pulling back and other times you'll be the one being pulled away from. I suppose it'd make things more helpful if we knew why the person had a change of heart, but that is seldom the case and if we do get a reason it's usually something generic like we're not compatible all the while we know there was something(s) specific they didn't like.
 kre8tivity
Joined: 3/15/2008
Msg: 128
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/18/2008 7:53:16 PM
Aurora, this describes my last (failed) relashionship very well. And I am still wondering what I did wrong but something kept telling me that I didn't cause him to pull back. Or at least not entirely.

When this guy and I met, he was always free, text-messaged or phoned me every minute he had, tried to make plans for dates, he even cooked me breakfast once. I understand we try a little harder early on in a relashionship. But very quickly, the kind words only came when he was drunk. Very drunk. Don't get me wrong, he ws a happy drunk, but really, I like a sober man to be fun as well. Within 2 months, it had gotten to the point where I felt pushed away because a headache would be reason enough to cancel our plans. So I broke it off, not without much pain. I was very much into this guy.

Now what I have concluded from this is that since I never thought he was a player type, I either turned him off somehow - which after a couple of physical relapses I tend to doubt - or he was hiding his drinking from me, thinking I would like him less if I found out how much he partied. I believe it's the second option from him having tried to slow down and quick smoking while we were together. But after failing at it, he became distant. Even though I do like my fare share of party, and even though it was never a problem for me, I think that's what caused him to pull up his walls.

I am still very sad by this. It is hard to break up with someone at the peak of physical attraction. But I knew it wasn't going anywher and prefered to cut my losses. I'm still hopeful though :-)
 jlev326
Joined: 12/14/2007
Msg: 129
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/20/2008 8:32:49 AM
i can completely relate..i always show multiple pictures and i am upfront of what im looking for ...initially he will be really interested and then i wont hear from him for months if at all...when i ask what i did wrong i look like the lunatic when i really just want to know what was going on...my theory is this..if youre just looking for a piece say so..if youre not interested say so...honesty is always the best policy...if you dont have the time to get to know someone on here then dont bother in the first place and if youre looking for sex, say so on your profile...ive stopped taking it personally, its not worth my time or energy ...love will happen when its supposed to
 Sprawlie
Joined: 2/21/2008
Msg: 130
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Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/21/2008 8:25:34 PM
fear.

Sometimes some men when they get to close to someone just become chicken and sabatoge their own chances
 falcon7838
Joined: 5/7/2007
Msg: 131
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/22/2008 12:25:46 AM
Ok ladies I'm gona lose my guy card for telling you this but here it is in a nut shell,
most you you guys tend to choose the pretty boys and badboys, you know that great looking guy with that smile so white it would put Barbra Bush's hair to shame, with the six pack abs you can do laundry on, yeah that guy.
And what do you expect, he can have pretty much any woman he wants and does till something else comes along that looks a little better.
His head is about the size of the Goodyear blimp from all the women he uses and dumps
and he could not care less about your feelings because its all about him.
I would reason to bet there are thousands of guys on this site that would worship the ground you women walked on, put they dont get the chance because the dont look as good or they are not as tall as you where looking for, or they drive a bus instead of being CEO.
Do you like fighting your guy for the mirror cause he thinks he's better looking then you? does he have more hair and skin products then you?
Come on ladies , give the nice guys a chance in stead of the badboys all the time.
 sweet lady Lori
Joined: 3/19/2008
Msg: 132
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/22/2008 3:29:23 AM
Well falcon...not all us women are like that. I for one prefer an "average" guy over an adonis or "bad boy", so your theory doesn't apply to all, and it certainly doesn't apply to me.
I am not sure why so many men find it hard to believe that some women look at a mans heart and soul more than his face and body.
I am going to go with the poster before you and accept some men pull back simply out of fear. However, there really isn't anything to fear is there? We are just women!
I
 LaMediaNaranja
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 133
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/22/2008 9:28:22 AM
OP: Seems to me after spending time with one another, they realized no future with you or someone better suited came into the picture.

Of course, if he's a player - he "hit it" and now conquest is over.
 Plastic Sturgeon
Joined: 12/5/2007
Msg: 134
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/22/2008 9:39:52 AM
Loukiss. Sure I would care to comment! It's not necessarily true!
A mature confident man, doesn't act like a school girl! Until one has
had a DOZEN or so dates, nothing means anything! Patience and SELF
CONTROL are key ingredients to the formation of a good and secure
relationship! How can anyone be gone over someone they don't even
know? I've had women give me this love at first sight crap! Well where
are they now? lol This flash-in-the-pan BS does no one any good!
 LaMediaNaranja
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 135
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/22/2008 9:41:52 AM
"A mature confident man, doesn't act like a school girl!" - maybe a "school boy"?
 Plastic Sturgeon
Joined: 12/5/2007
Msg: 136
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/22/2008 10:00:12 AM
It REALLY boils down to self control! We may feel like a little school boy
or girl, but we must put on our best poker face and pretend otherwise! lol

And I rather suspect that many women just LOVE to dig around below
the surface and see how we really feel about them! Too many guys just
don't get this and ruin all the fun and sexual tension that goes along with it
by blurting out all their feelings!
 coachofspin
Joined: 9/28/2008
Msg: 137
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/22/2008 10:46:03 AM
vv2,

You need to realize when you meet people, they will NOT mesh with you on every level you demand. Yes, I said demand. You have a wonderful son who is a challenge. A lot of people DON'T understand what it is like to give so much more of yourself for him. I have been in your shoes. As much as you give him, you demand someone be as nice or nicer to you.

If you haven't made any kind of commitment to be together (all the foo-foo talk aside), you can't tell him what to do. That is the FASTEST way to have anyone high-tail it and leave for good. Having just chemistry does not a relationship make. If you don't have the other pieces of the puzzle, you will never be complete.

I am not trying to tell you do anything, but maybe you should see a couples counselor before you get in a relationship. You need to get a perspective from a third-party and not a family or friend. You need someone impartial to tell you who is wrong for demanding or not delivering.

The energy you spend being PISSED off could be spent finding the one. Your son needs you when he is not in school. If anyone can't accept that, you should take that as a first and last sign to leave. Why stay pissed when you can be hopeful or even happy you are not in a bad relationship?

Someone is out there waiting for you. You are NOT going to find "the one" pissing and moaning about the guy who obviously is going to treat you like crap.

I hope you do find the one that will treat you and yours the way you deserve.

Bill
 vickijw
Joined: 10/12/2008
Msg: 138
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Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/22/2008 11:52:43 AM
TAKE YOUR TIME WITH SOME ONE,
GET TO KNOW THEM,
DO NOT BE PUSHY.
BE YOUR SELF,BE HONEST,
 Giggles02572
Joined: 9/12/2008
Msg: 139
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/22/2008 7:52:11 PM
Yep its that wall! thing...but having had it done to me I have to wonder if his excuses as to why it happened were excuses or if the fact i had kids really bothered him...oh and that i dont have a perfect body lol!..when you have been casual with someone, friends and all of a sudden he starts hanging out with you and your kids in your home and well its just wonderful your starting to let your wall down and feel comfy and stuff ...for them to just stop dead because you said something that he reckons made you seem demanding and needy when in actual fact (asking someone to dinner) must be demanding who would of thought lol! I think alot of guys start to fall or get comfy and then think fuk is this what i really want...i think im ready to settle down but in reality maybe im not RUN!! for the hills ...guys seem to think that if they commit, what happens if something better comes along i will break her heart but really if he opens up and knocks that wall down he could of found the most wonderful relationship he could imagine....take the risk I say...because sometimes you throw away something really special because your scared...But I wouldn't mind knowing why men pull back too.....??
 HeyGilligan
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 140
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/23/2008 2:49:13 PM
this just happened to me. i never had it happen before.
we did the emailing, talking and texting for a few weeks.
we met.
i text him a few days later "hope you have a great day."
i don't hear back from him, so what.
i come on here to answer another email.
i see he is gone from my profile.
he poofed.
i get a text 6 hours later "thanks. i hope you have one too."
i ask "did i do something wrong?"
he responds "no. why?"
i say "ok."
i asked, he said i didn't do anything, so i'm cool.
five minutes later, he texts me this paragraph on how we "just met" and "we are all here to make friends, he doesn't know if he met "the one" or not and asks if i know "what he means?" "we can still chat" and then he told me he was getting on the road so he couldn't text or talk. (not that i wanted to)
i am stunned.

i have no idea where he got "i want to move in with you and marry you" from "hope you have a great day."
i didn't respond to his text.
i haven't heard any further from him about it.

i feel like i've been played.
he was the one calling and texting me.
its easy to get used to someone doing that.

if you don't feel that you want to continue talking to someone after meeting them or at whatever point you discover that the person isn't for you, then just tell them.
when you go silent and poof, its the most unkind and selfish thing.

if you want honesty, then you have to be honest yourself.
 ShouldNotBeSingle
Joined: 10/5/2008
Msg: 141
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/23/2008 8:14:59 PM
Why do woman chase men that do this? Because it works.

If they end up getting hurt; they stop trusting guys; even the decent guys. And decent guys get hurt because they've all been in the friend zone; desperately in love, with a woman that's been played by these types of guys.

Every see the Movie "Hitch"? Great scene; the speed dating scene, where Will Smith Explains that guys hire him, because women do not respond well to being told; "I like you".

There is a book; "The Game" by Neil Strauss. It covers all of this in detail.

The principal is this; women don't respect needy men. Men pull away to show they aren't needy. It builds anticipation, it builds sexual tension, and it works.

The bottom line is this; if you're attracted to bad boys, pursue bad boys, and don't mess with decent guys by giving them false signals. If you're attracted to good guys, and want a good relationship, don't chase bad boys.

If you've got a guy who seems great, but is pulling back; call him out on his behaviour. If he talks his way out of it; he's a bad boy. If respects you; he'll work on meeting you half way, and on working out a compromise that does demean you, and he'll probably open up about something that's bugging him too. That's a relationship; and a good one.

Good luck fishing :)
 ShouldNotBeSingle
Joined: 10/5/2008
Msg: 142
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/23/2008 8:17:11 PM
Last line should read:

If you've got a guy who seems great, but is pulling back; call him out on his behaviour. If he talks his way out of it; he's a bad boy. If respects you; he'll work on meeting you half way, and on working out a compromise that "doesn't" demean you, and he'll probably open up about something that's bugging him too. That's a relationship; and a good one.

Good luck fishing :)
 Omni_essence
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 143
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/23/2008 10:34:25 PM
Unfortunately it sounds like you gave him an excuse before he could give you one. Did you still have a profile up or do anything like answer the phone and head to the other room- for privacy=saying on the phone-you call them back later when your not" busy"- If your possitive that you didn't give him the impression of being second choice.. then its a pretty sure thing he's a player not worth the time. *and a week is peanuts when the preference is shown to be your number one.! Happy fishing
 travelseeker
Joined: 9/27/2008
Msg: 144
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Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/24/2008 3:07:57 AM
I am asking the same question...received an email from a guy and had an immediate connection. After a week of email exchange we met and he asked me out for another date. Before the second date an ex-flame comes back into his life and he becomes confused as to what he wants. He ends up canceling our date with an explanation that he is confused and needs sometime to figure everything out. He says he is still very interested in going out with me, but he doesn't want to juggle two women at once and needs some time, but he understands if I don't want to see him again. I completely understand his situation and indicate that he should take the time and let me know when he has come to some resolution. A few days later I receive an email opening up our email exchange again leaving me to wonder if he has made some decisions. But after two days he disappears. I would like to go out with him after he resolves his dilemma if I am not seeing someone else, but why does he write and disappear...other then to check in and see if I am still interested. I could exchange emails with him forever, but that's not what I am looking for. I feel like if I do that it just prolongs his making a decision and keeping me on the hook.
 Ralleac
Joined: 5/17/2008
Msg: 145
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Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/24/2008 3:44:21 AM

Why do some men show interest and pursue a woman and everything seems to be going well, but then for whatever reason, will start to back off?


Because we have to act interested to some extent or we'd never get past the initial approach. It isn't an act, I suppose. One can be "interested" based on almost nothing until they discover something that eliminates their interest.

One of the main purposes of dating is to determine whether or not there is potential. Chances are if someone backs off they've come to the conclusion that it won't work for them. The reasons will vary greatly from person to person.
 HeyGilligan
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 146
To ST and Omni e
Posted: 10/24/2008 9:09:18 AM
i'm not sure if you are responding to my post, but i will answer.

ST:
You have a great points there; thank you.
I'm not chasing him, just trying to make sense of it.
I haven't initiated any contact with him whatsoever.

Omni e:

yes, my profile was still up. i will take it down when i'm dating someone.

no, i think its rude to answer the mobile when you are with someone.
anyway, i don't give my number out very often.

its just wierd all the way around. i've never had anyone act this way.
nobody comes with a perfect package. i believe he is a good guy in his heart.
 fluff57
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 147
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/24/2008 4:35:38 PM
Windsor saints08 - that has happened to me twice. Broke my heart - I don't understand it. I've also had several guys tell me I intimidate them. Seems like I pick the wrong type.
 TimmyJones256
Joined: 10/13/2008
Msg: 148
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/24/2008 5:56:09 PM
Bah. This is fairly simple if one thinks generally. Why do all relationships fail? A disparity of interest between the two parties and the interest they want from a partner. He was investigating whether you were suitable, same as you were investigating him, and decided you weren't and gave a reasonable excuse. Why is that complicated? The fellow even tried to back out politely. On an aside, yes it certainly is important to be up front about you want out of a relationship but I have never heard of that happening. If you have the potential to be together you ought to understand each other well enough to know what the other wants otherwise one of you is using the other to masturbate, be it physically or emotionally.
 FluffyBrain
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 149
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 10/25/2008 9:14:07 PM
Gosh, so many good posts on this thread. I find myself in agreement with almost all of them as divergent as they are.

OP, I guess the bottom line is this: you have to do what you think is right in any aspect of your life - including love life. You have to be true to yourself while also maintaining your ethics regarding how you treat others (or allow them to treat you). On the other hand, I think there's some psychological valididty in keeping people on thier toes not quite in the very, very early stages of dating....it creates desire on both parts. After that point passes and you settle into something more comfortable together, it's time to pack away the games and do I stated above. That's all you can do...be the best person you can be in all regards. If other people, at that point, misinterpret it,or aren't interested, or whatever, you've done all you can constructively do and then it's time to let the chips fall wherever they may. It may turn out well or it may not. All you can do then is if it turns out well, go with it....if it turns out not so well, all you can do is move on. The only thing that ever tells for sure is time. Whatecer happens, good or bad, will be come very obvious in retsrospect over time. The real question is: how MUCH time before you either have it truly together with the guy vs. cutting your losses? At any rate, I hope this is one that turns out well for you! Best wishes.
 gossipgirl_2010
Joined: 8/27/2008
Msg: 150
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 12/6/2008 12:54:24 AM
Well it all depends, with your situation I think the guy just wasnt honest of what he was looking for straight up from the beginning. So basically some men especially single ones find it hard to be a father figure when they've never been around kids. Or the same goes with women being with a single dad. I have had relationships with Single dads it was tough in the beginning but in the end the kids started to get close to me;eventhough I am no longer with their dad I am still good friends with the kids.

So basically as i said it all depends- BE STRAIGHT UP with what you are looking for & about having kids - that goes for both women & men alike because it complicates things when neither one mentions about having kids. Same goes if you are looking for a relationship or mere casual FWB relationship.
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