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Joined: 5/2/2006
Msg: 9
Advice about midlife crisis/commitmentphobicPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)

I told him I was going to look for someone else, that our relationship is crazy, he tells me I should. Yet, he still wants to be in my life.

You and the children need stability and deserve a solid marital relationship that you can all really relax into. Relationships that are built on a solid foundation create security and peace of mind, which enables those in the family unit to be the best they can be. You're torn. You admit the lack of security, the ups and downs are "driving you crazy." You're going to have to play your last card and hope things turn the direction you desire, if you really love the man, while at the same time preparing yourself for the fact that they just may not. This is called "the ultimatum card."

Now's the time to be firm, honest, and straightforward. You say what you mean and mean what you say. You tell him "I've been with you a long time, expecting to make this permanent. I'm worthy of marriage. I'm worthy of commitment. I don't want to end our relationship but if you don't feel you can make this commitment that my kids and I need, then I'm going to have to get on with my life. I won't be able to see you for awhile. I figure we'll need about six months or so apart in order to give it some time to become a different kind of relationship -- a truly just friends kind of deal. I hope you'll be okay and I wish things didn't have to be this way but apparently they do. You let me know if you change your mind and feel that your goals are the same as mine and you see us married, living together as a family for the rest of our lives." Then give him a peck on the lips, turn and walk away, hon. And don't call him. Don't call him no matter how bad it tears you up. If you need to whine, you get on this thread and talk to us here on POF about it until it becomes bearable again, or you call your girlfriends, or your mom, or whoever you trust to confide in.

Now comes the really hard part. You wait awhile, if you so desire. Maybe a month or two, and if you hear nothing and you don't see him showing up with an engagement ring, then you start dating and don't you look back no matter what.

You and those kids deserve the full package deal! Don't you even think about settling for less. If he can't get himself together by fifty three years old, enough to buy an engagement ring and offer to marry you and come to grips with a grown up's kind of commitment, then you let him go on down the road and find yourself a good man who will be by your side for the rest of your life, who isn't afraid to really make you his.
This man has told you to go ahead and find someone else. The ball is in your court and it's time to make your move, in my opinion. Make it count.

Best wishes...
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 11
view profile
Advice about midlife crisis/commitmentphobic
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:07:18 AM
After reading your profile, I think his commitment problems have far more to do with your life than your age.
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 14
Advice about midlife crisis/commitmentphobic
Posted: 8/14/2008 8:19:42 AM
Let's get to the brass tacks of this thing.
OP you desire a formalized committment. and there is nothing, absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. This man you've been with for 5 years apparently wants all the goodies of marriage without taking any risk or making any committment. You met this man when he was 48 or thereabouts,right? Didn't the fact that he's never been married and from what I gather not a father, give you a CLUE that for whatever reason the guy hasn't got the sheer blind faith and nerve that marriage requires?
Now, for the other not so pretty reality. You are 38 and have kids at home. Most guys your age have been through a divorce, you may find yourself kissing one helluva lot of FROGS and maybe you never will find anything resembling a prince.
So you need to understand, you WILL have to cut this guy out of your life and you will be ON YOUR OWN. Can you deal with that? I'm not saying you should settle for the crumbs this man is tossing you but you need to know that "finding someone else" might not be all that easy. And once you burn your bridge with this guy, be aware that giving up and returning to this glorified FWB thing you got going with him,(if your Adventures in Modern Dating SUCK,)is going to put you in the "spineless" category.
So if you are gonna play the "find someone else card" you better be ready to follow through. There is the outside chance that he will realize that losing you is disastrous,and offer you what you seek. But ask yourself if you want to spend your life having to beat this man over the head emotionally to keep him sticking around.

I cannot and would not presume to tell you what to do, all I can do is lay out some of what you may have to deal with.
Cindy O
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 17
Advice about midlife crisis/commitmentphobic
Posted: 8/14/2008 8:32:40 AM
A couple of questions. Is this the man you say in your profile is your Step father? Is it a different man? Why did you divorced the father of your children?

I am with what others say. There are a lot of issues here. Some have to deal with this man, but many have to deal with you.

Does this man has problems with depression? How does he relate to your girls?
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 19
view profile
Advice about midlife crisis/commitmentphobic
Posted: 8/14/2008 1:50:23 PM
well...go find someone else and see!!

perhaps you think a relationship with this male friend would be an easy out for yourself!

Time to move on girlfriend! You can still talk to this man but it is obvious that he DOESNT want anything more with you then a friendship!
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 21
view profile
Advice about midlife crisis/commitmentphobic
Posted: 8/14/2008 2:16:39 PM
I know what it is like to want to figure out the guy's motivation or lack thereof but it doesn't matter. Learning the why isn't going to change the behavior and no matter how good he is to you and your kids, if he wanted to be with you, he would, and he is only partially involved in the relationship for a reason. It has been five years, it isn't going to change so if you want to find someone that will be good to you and your kids and wants to actually have a relationship, you have to untangle yourself from this man.

Maybe if he allowed himself that degree of vulnerability the control that allows him to be function and be sober would be gone, again, it doesn't matter. I don't think there is commitment phobic people, there are people that are chickenshits too afraid of taking risk and there are people that don't really want to have to really work for something in order to have it. So, they don't have to really figure out if they can make a relationship work if they are not really in one, so they avoid them, lets them avoid looking at themselves too carefully. But IT DOESN'T MATTER, what he does matters and that isn't what you want.

My X is soon to be 54, for years I figured I could outwait his b.s. and he would become too tired to act like a jerk and be more like the nice charming guy I married. Guess what, nothing has changed and nothing ever will. He has had enough wake-up calls in his life that I can assure that with him and with this guy you are living with, there is no light bulb moment big enough for you to keep settling.
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 24
view profile
Advice about midlife crisis/commitmentphobic
Posted: 8/14/2008 5:08:57 PM
He is a lucky guy and evidently does not know it. Find someone that wants to give you the love that you want, he is out there.
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 25
view profile
Advice about midlife crisis/commitmentphobic
Posted: 8/14/2008 8:03:11 PM
I told him I was going to look for someone else, that our relationship is crazy, he tells me I should.

OP: So you gave him an ultimatum.....Haven't we all done that? Posters who have a quick answer like "grow up" or " He's not for you" haven't loved anyone. Only you really know if you love him or not in your heart.
As for Commitment Phobia? I truly believe that if one has been in a true love relationship and lost it, fears committing again.(whether they'll admit, act on it, or not)
As for mid life crisis? He may be....But males ( not being offensive guys!) don't often admit to it.We women go to Dr's. or even just talk to family & friends and find out what we're not alone it what we're feeling.Most males don't get together and talk about it at all.Call it a 'guy' thing~ The Reality is 50 is tough to face. I bet he looks at you and thinks how he wishes he could be '30 something' again.
Age creeps up like underwear.....more noticeable to the one aging than anyone.
Search your heart as if you were telling your best female friend to.
Good luck in what ever you decide to do!
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 29
Advice about midlife crisis/commitmentphobic
Posted: 8/21/2008 3:24:29 PM

It's hard to walk away.

Girl, you have GOT TO. What needs to be your priority right now is getting your life back on track and preserving your precious sobriety.
Just think how very very STRONG you will be if you can quit this guy and put your life back together all on your own.
Cindy O
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 30
Advice about midlife crisis/commitmentphobic
Posted: 9/4/2008 4:49:30 PM


Joined: 7/14/2008
Msg: 34
Red flag
Posted: 9/7/2008 4:13:08 PM
Call me Ferdinand the Bull, but I saw a big red flag when he used the phrase "child molester." One of the sad facts of dating life for single moms with young kids is that men are just using the women to get at the kids. I'm not saying confront the guy or accuse him, but be aware that this can happen and does happen. Talk to the kids. Talk to a counselor or a child psychologist to know the signs. If he's been behaving improperly with the kids, he knows it and probably feels guilty about it, and that may be why he used that phrase. Or it could just be a terribly poor choice of words. In any event, check it out. Put the kids' interests first.
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