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 spiderette
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 8
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Op,
Several reasons. (1) Depending on one's age and life experiences, over time, sex becomes less of a "Oh my God, 'good girls' don't do that too early." At my point in life, that just seems sort of arcane and silly...as though I have transcended that thinking. Of course, that also comes with a certain power and confidence women often feel as the years go by, their careers do well, etc.. I think a lot of the guys' views shift, for various reasons, over the years too. (2) Pragmatically, if someone's really THAT into you, whether sex is early or later in a relationship will have no effect. They either really, really like you or they don't - andearly sex or late sex won't change that. (3) HOWEVER, unfortunately, there are a lot of people (both genders) who might not be that into you/me/whomever and who have no misgivings about using other people (whether for sex, money,or anything else). That's ONE of the main reasons I advocate waiting. The users drop out pretty quickly and the ones who are truly into you will wait until you're comfortable. (4) The other reason I advocate waiting is it's so much sweeter after that physical tension and build up. It also allows 2 people to emotionally bond beforehand, which also makes sex all the sweeter. (LOL some of the guys who don't believe that should try it! It definitely makes it better.)

Overall, in any case, if you're uncomfortable with sex (or anything) too early, then if the other person is really into you, he/she will respect your wishes and wait until you're both ready. If the other person isn't doing that, it's a BIG red flag and it means they're most likely just attempting to use you. Time to run! :)
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 17
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:19:41 AM
Ummm....for the same reasons that women will get intimate early on??

Seriously...it's different strokes, for different folks. Some put a higher standard or value on sex and intimacy in a relationship. In other words...no matter how great the person and the relationship is...they know if the sexual compatibility is non-existent, then the relationship won't last.

But...my main piece of feedback would be to STICK WITH YOUR OWN IDEAS of what works for YOU. :) When you DO find the person who shares your ideas and such...he will be compatible for you. :)
 spiderette
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 21
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:29:14 AM
OP,

Even playing devil's advocate and giving the guy the extreme benefit of the doubt: let's just say we assume he's of the mindset if sex doesn't happen early (no matter who the woman is), it's not worth pursuing even if he's in "love." Even in that case, it would be very difficult to have a relationship with such a person. To not be able to compromise to the point where you're comfortable indicates he's rigid and inflexible, which is not going to help any kind of a relationship. (I suppose he could reverse the argument on you, but that's getting into the realm of ridiculous given society's prevailing standards and norms regarding sex.)

Men like sex, sure, but just watch the men in your family for answers. I have a brother and trust me, he'd bend over backwards for a woman he really, really likes. Just as women do with men. I've seen it time and again with male friends too. The sex thing is a bit of a red herring. The bottom really is: how much is the other party truly into you? People (irrespective of gender) will bend over backwards to accomodate someone in whom they truly have an interest. The only exception is if insecurity comes into play. Then people will sometimes pull out rather than getting hurt even if they really like someone. Again, not a good basis or foundation for a relationship. We all have our insecurities, but if they're that overriding early on, they'll become huge problems later. Generally, however, even insecurity won't stop people (assuming they're really interested) as long as you give them a clear signal you're truly interested.

What all this leads back to is this: make sure you tell the guy you really like him a lot (and no, that won't turn him off if you do it in a succint, clear, non-needy fashion-just make it brief, surgical, and to the point - and do it when you sense the time is right & only you know that) and also make sure you tell him you're not ready for sex yet. As long as he knows you like him, you've eliminated any possible insecurity issues on his part. At that point, if he still continues to push with no regard to your feelings, then it's time to run. He's either using you or so inflexible it'snot worth pursuing. (As stated earlier, the latter is really stretching...it's most likely the former.)
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 26
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why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:46:39 AM
I find that if a woman really wants to know you, and is really attracted to you sexually as well, that they will be just as interested in having and enjoying sex, as you might be.....

It is all a matter of walls built for protection, boundaries set for sanity, health, and personal beliefs, and the security of knowing that you are not making a mistake by heading down that path.

Men like sex, but so do women, so that is a given, and what more men need to do is to leave the aggressiveness at the door that society and nature has instilled in them, and just relax and let her decide when it is right for the situation.

Once this is accomplished, and they know that they are in charge of when, where, and how, it seems to happen just as fast as when you try to be aggressive and force the issue, and maybe get it every so often, but look so typical male, thinking with your small brain, and making an a** out of yourself.

With all the ways to prevent pregnancy, testing for STD's, and moving more and more towards equality of the genders, women have as much a need and desire to enjoy the one they are with, as much as men do..........so, why not let them take that lead, and you be the one to say yea or nay when right?????.......

Just my opinion.......
 spiderette
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 28
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:58:34 AM
OP,
The biggest thing you can do for yourself given the situation is to make sure you've been up front with him, honest, and sincere about your strong feelings for him (not the time for games-embarrassing as it may be to speak forthrightly - of course, it has to be done in a non-needy way, but also in very clear, sincere way that communicates your true feelings...difficult to execute, but can be done). That way, if he doesn't come back, you won't be sitting there wondering if things might have been different if only you'd done or said something else. It's also your best chance for him to come back (if he's vacillating or has any intention). Once that has been done (and it sounds like you've done it---& I assume you said what you truly wanted to say with no games), then it's out of your hands. You'll have to wait and in the interim you need to get focused on things other than him in your life.

In any event, if he's what you want, I hope he comes back. If not, then you've positioned yourself to move on more easily.
 The Artful Codger
Joined: 2/29/2008
Msg: 32
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 11:26:00 AM
"Always" is hyperbole, "so early" is subjective and I can't answer for all men.

That said, and speaking very generally, it has been my (unscientific) observation in life that many women need to have an emotional connection in place with a man before they can comfortably have sex with him, and many men need to have sex with a woman before they can comfortably develop an emotional connection with her.

I don't know exactly why this is, but I suspect it is buried deep in our reproductive and survival instincts somewhere . . .
and reinforced by cultural stimuli and personal experience.

The trick, I think, is in finding or negotiating a middle ground that is acceptable for both parties.

-----------


could you tell me please how to enclose those little boxes of quotes from previous replies?
Go here...
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts469064.aspx
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 61
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 2:29:47 PM
Eghads....please, please Forum Gods...don't let this turn into another "Who pays" thread!!!!
 Gangster Kitten
Joined: 4/3/2008
Msg: 70
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2008 8:46:15 AM

I really liked the most recent guy, we hit it off in all ways, however on the third date he started dropping hints that he wanted to sleep with me that night. I turned him down and explained that it wasnt that I dont fancy him (I did), but that I want to get to know him better first.
I didnt hear from him again in the next couple of days (he had been texting a couple of times a day prior to the date), and so I contacted him, saying that I am very sorry but it is best if we finish the relationship. He has since been contacting me frequently 'arguing' about my turning him down, and still trying to get us back together.



So he came onto you, you rejected him, then you called him later on to break up with him? Sounds a little bit unfair to me.

That said:

Why do women always want sex so late in a relationship?


See? I can do it too.
 pokerjimmy
Joined: 11/10/2006
Msg: 71
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History
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2008 10:30:44 AM
First off, men are wired to want sex and it has nothing to do with a relationship although when the two work in tandum...it's the best.

You won't get the man you fancy by giving up sex, you'll only provide him with sex and will probably get additional dates...of sex.

It's a long process to find the right man just as it is to find the right woman. In the mean time, as a woman you'll find LOTS of us that want sex. As long as you provide it, there will be no shortage of men and BS that will leave you wondering.
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2008 11:22:19 AM
Um, because it's fun? I don't want to go to Disneyland and go straight to the gift shops.
 martin-blank
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 79
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2008 2:24:10 PM
Agreed.. if the guy is digging your chili, then what's important to you should be important to him. If not then repeat after me:

"wow, what a timesaver"

If he wants to get to know your naughty bits before getting to know the person inside, then it's time to jettison the cargo..

Sex is honestly pretty easy to come by. Finding someone you really click with and see as a kindred spirit is not, and I assume that is your end goal.

A guy to whom you matter, will be focused on what matters to you..

Everything is a two-way street, but people should agree on things, not be emotionally-manhandled into giving in to the other person's predilections.
If he is that unilateral on this, which is a big deal to you, then you will likely have issues during the future meetings of the minds with him, should he even stay around that long..
It seems to come down to a lack of respect, and a desire to have what he wants over what you have indicated you want. Gotta go, gotta go....
 Urbanessa
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 92
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2008 12:56:50 PM
I am certainly not advocating jumping in the sack before both peeps are ready to do so, and I am somewhat repelled by anyone who thinks he or she needs to date by some weird rules. But women that are playing hard to get strike me as odd. It would raise the red "she's playing some power-freakish game with you" flag.

What's wrong with getting naked with a man if you are physically attracted to him? I don't get it. It's not the timing of having sex that defines a slvt - it's the reason that does.
 pontus6
Joined: 12/24/2004
Msg: 105
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History
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/23/2008 11:56:47 AM
For some sex is a big deal and for others it is just filling the need we all have for a little intimacy like eating when we are hungry. It depends much on our level of experience but is either right or wrong? Are we not damed if we do it and also damed if we don't do it? If we don't eat we starve and if we do we risk food addiction or stomach pains. There is always some misunderstanding of the other persons interest so who's fault is that? Most of us don't even know what our own interest is till we try but we are all born hungry. Love is the most misunderstood word because it can not be defined. As soon as we say what it is then it is that and then no longer love. I just feel sad for those who think they know what they want and what they don't want before they even look or try. Maybe it is good to moderate indulgence a bit though? As for me I am happy with a nice kiss or two.
 LemonVision
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 106
view profile
History
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2008 11:37:58 AM
Stop tarring us all with the same brush :(

I'm not like that, and nor are most of the guys I know. I only know one who'd do this, and he'd be honest with the person concerned about his intentions if he did.
 LemonVision
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 107
view profile
History
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2008 2:15:53 PM
Well, I do think there's something pretty unpleasant about sex with someone I don't see myself having a future with... I just couldn't do it. Just a reminder, we're not all like you :S
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