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 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 8
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is is all my fault?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I think that was a bit much. I always think there are lines we just do not cross, kidding or not. Now, everyone is different and has different lines, but I think just generally speaking a good deal of the population knows how far to go. The fact that you asked if he was gay then followed up with the princess remark was probably too much for him, as I think it would have been for anyone.

I dated a guy who did not know boundaries and felt he could say anything he wanted to me, however, nothing could be said to him, kidding or not.

There is teasing and there are passive-aggressive digs. What you did sounded more like the 2nd.

I also truly believe you have to be very careful what you say to people. Thinking before we speak, knowing that once it is out there it can never be taken back, is important no matter how sorry we are for the remark.
 willowbunny
Joined: 7/20/2006
Msg: 9
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is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 6:11:43 AM
Silly girl. Guys hate being told they are gay when they aren't.
You couldn't have been much more insulting if you tried.
Why on Earth did you think it was a good idea to say that to him and what's the big deal about him going somewhere with his friend? For god's sake grow up.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 13
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is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 7:04:50 AM
This may be the reason that he didn't try to resolve this with you. It appears you have a really hard time accepting other people's boundaries by asking "why couldn't he just have said??..." Everyone is not the same, and maybe you would not have taken offense to having something like that said to you not once, but twice, there are those who would. Having understanding and empathy for others who are not "just like you" is very important in all relationships. People who think/say stuff like, "you shouldn't have felt that way" is not showing consideration for other people's feelings. And, we all want to think that are feelings are important to people who are a part of our lives.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 16
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is it all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 7:12:46 AM
since we can't unring a bell, but hopefully learn, and move forward is about the best we can do. I am not certain how.. Not everything needs to be said, and we have to understand also why do we NEED to say it. Is it from a hurt that you feel you experienced from the person or what. Realizing that we cannot "fix" everyone to be like we want, or like us I think is key. I guess I would start with what do you find offensive and wouldn't like said to you.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 22
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is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 7:26:04 AM
You know, you do remind me of the guy I was dating. Sometimes he would say the most insensitive things imaginable. Sometimes I would wonder how he couldn't know they were insensitive, especially knowing how sensitive he was (not saying you are, don't know that about you). Sometimes he would jokingly say things and sometimes they would be teasing, sometimes it was a way to get a point across or to get back at me.

It maybe the type of personality, I am not sure, but now that you do know this about yourself, try to learn how to take a few seconds before you say something, and ask if you think this could be insulting to the other person, and if there is any doubt, don't say it.
 bellazingara
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 24
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is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 7:30:19 AM
It's one thing to tease a person about their idiosyncrasies.....perhaps they are known for being clumsy or always late. That they will likely see the humour in; but it seems you were insulting him more than teasing him. If he had to put up with your negative comments on a regular basis, then it's not surprising he wanted to get out of this relationship. Nobody wants to be with someone who puts them down regularly, they want to feel good about being with that person.

People will always remember how you made them feel so be careful what you say to someone. You'll catch more bees with honey than you will with vinegar.

Better luck next time.

H.A.
 EagleEric
Joined: 11/2/2006
Msg: 25
is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 7:35:09 AM
What kind of wacky nonsense is this?

If he was gay, why in the Hell were you dating him? If he wasn't gay, then why did you insult him by accusing him of being gay? And don't tell me you can't deterrrmine if a man is gay or not. Any man or woman who is just slightly observant can tell unless they are a complete knothead.

Words have immense power and be very hurtful and harmful to a relationship. For every nasty thing said, it may take a thousand "I'm sorry" to make up for the damage.

This relationship is done, and you had better use it as a lesson to mend your ways.

The Eagle
 Xcen
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 35
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is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 8:40:23 AM
In my mind most men that are secure in their sexuality would not be terminally offended by a teasing comment about being gay. I doubt they would be offended at all but would respond with an equally teasing remark about you. Of course its all in the perception of how the remark was intended. Teasing is one thing. True criticism is something else. It would also depend on how the man perceives you. From your picture you appear to be very attractive. A perceived insult from an attractive woman that the man has pretensions for could lead to the assumption that she is cruel and arrogant and its best to look elsewhere for romance. Another respondent got it correct, one should build up their significant other, not criticize them , or tear them down. Any criticism should be handled in private and very tactfully. If they are willing to change so be it, if not you have to accept them as is or move on. Overall I suspect the man is hypersentive and would have to be handled with kids gloves. If that is the case you havent really lost anything. Divas are unpleasant to be around whether they be male or female.
Oxford dictionary or not,,,,,,,,,,in the USA no one routinely uses sth, and I have never seen it before you used it.
 Xcen
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 40
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is it all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 9:03:30 AM
LOL,,,,,,respondents seem to insist you wrote you criticized him daily ,,,,,,,,,,which you did NOT write. There were two points to your original post. You did mention criticism and you mentioned teasing him about being gay in front of his friends. As I mentioned earlier criticism should be rare and should be done in private. Did he critcize you, also? Teasing is commonly done in private and in the presence of others. I suppose making a joke of him being gay in front of friends could have embarrased him but I cant imagine it being reason for never speaking to you again,,,,,,,,,,,,unless it was part of a continuing pattern of public "insults"and became the straw that broke the camel's back,,,,,,,,,,so to speak. It could also be a cultural thing and that men from his culture expect women to be silent and subservient.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 45
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is it all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 9:18:09 AM
These things tend to spiral out of control, don't take it personally, I have seen it many times, including one thread I wrote.
 geeleebee
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 46
is it all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 9:27:57 AM
I think that you DO need to take his response personally; you called him 'gay' (asking him if he was gay, and then saying 'I didn't know I was dating gay' is the same as outright calling him gay), and you called him a 'princess'.
(8/22/08) "...and I called him a ..."princess".")

You asked for the frigid response you received.

In answer to your question, 'is it all my fault?': Yes.

Also, to use the term 'gay' as a slam is simply callus and ignorant.

To Snakewhisperer, who wrote in part:

"...As an aside, I don't know what's up with the lynch mob mentality? The OP is sincerely asking for help and being very polite about it. How many of us have not made a mistake in a relationship? As most of us are single, I'd venture to say "none". And all the criticism because she abbreviated "something"? Come on, have you seen some of the spelling and grammar in these forums? Hers is probably in the 99th percentile of good grammar and spelling. Can we cut her a little break?"


Often, people don't read what others have posted, which is why you find what you call the 'lynch mob mentality'.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 51
is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 1:11:32 PM
I read your profile and you say you are independent and artistic. For me that means in a lot of cases people are self absorbed and feel that they can say and do whatever they want.

You acted like a diva; an arrogant one at that. If any woman called me gay or a princess I'd blow her off in 2 seconds.

You disrespected him; what if he said, you are too skinny, or I wish you had bigger breasts. You would have ripped him apart and so would women on this site. Well you pretty much questioned his manhood; something a woman should NEVER do. You made him feel like crap and then you say, no kissing or cuddling; are you serious?

Many people need to think before opening their mouths. They feel "independent" and that being blunt is cool but all it is insensitive and rude.

Real men don't allow themselves to be disrespected; you are only telling us a little bit but I'm sure you complained all the time.

For you to even think this is his fault or his personality is at fault is scary and extremely self absorbed. What man wants a nagging, criticizing diva. The answer? NONE.

You need to mature and realize that people want to date someone that they feel comfortable with and that they know are for them. If you can't be nice and nag and complain so much, then you are in big trouble. Humble yourself and realize you really need to change your nagging and negativity. Attraction only goes so far. Good luck.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 52
is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 1:16:57 PM

Hello Juicy8,
I have learned the hard way that after a breakup as hard as it is we must put the past behind us and move forward. It really doesn't matter who did what. The important thing is that you are taking responsibility for your part in the mistake department.
I have found that when one dream doesn't work out, it is time to chase another dream that you can make come true.
Good Luck To You,
Gentle Healing Hugs, Lauren


lol; i wish all women were this kind to the guys that make mistakes; wow;

You can't leave the past behind. When you breakup you have to realize what happened and try to improve yourself.

And she didn't take full responsibility; her very question is "is it my fault" and questioned whether it might be HIS personality. At her age she should know for sure you dont nag and be negative. Words hurt and sometimes they destroy a relationships.

The OP in my opinion needs to take the blame and fall on the sword and realize she was a nagging mean spirited person to this guy. She needs to be 1000 times more sensitive and realize her words can build up or break up a relationship.

It's good she realizes she was wrong, but I hope she realizes how much real men hate to be ripped apart all the time. Thanks.
 FortyFine44122
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 57
is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 6:03:00 PM

I see that you're slim, beautiful, blonde, and smart, everything a lot of men are looking for.
I'd agree with slim, beautiful, but smart? Educated doesn't mean smart...and I wonder if she can learn it.

For me it sounds like OP didn't have too much experience in communicating with people. And she's a teacher?

I didn't think. I just said it. I would not think that the consequences would be so disatrous :-(
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 60
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is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 10:56:20 PM
I think people are overreacting in this thread, just like that guy overreacted. Some guys would just start pretending to be gay if someone said that to them, and play it up with their male friend. I don't see the big deal here, and I bet you there were other issues involved with him wanting to break up. I wouldn't worry about it too much. But I would suggest that a guy wants to be with a woman who makes him feel good about himself when he is with her. Perhaps it wasn't just criticizing "a few times" but something that he felt was constant, in which case, he just couldn't handle it. It is probably meant as just playful teasing on your part, but if he takes it as criticism (every person wants the person they have strong feelings for to adore them and admire them, not look down on them), then it's not going to work out. Date people that you genuinely admire and don't feel like putting down. That's the only solution I think if you have a tendency towards criticism.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 63
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is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/23/2008 6:14:03 AM
Sushi-Girl:

Telling someone and treating someone as if they over-reacted to something they found offensive makes the other person feel as though you do not care about their feelings.... Following it up with the "princess" remarks only probably sealed that deal. - teasing someone and calling them names only makes it much much worse, because now you have offended somone and following up with ridicule about how they felt.

We don't know other people's specific boundaries until they tell us in some way (i.e. reaction) at that point the mature way to handle it is to apologize to the person. To say to someone either directly or indirectly that "you over-reacted" is saying that the rest of the world should view as you do and if you do not - you are wrong. No one's feelings are wrong - period... Now, later on I might think that I over-reacted to someone and tell them so, but at the particular point in time... This is how I feel and that should be respected. It is up to me to decided if I over-reacted. Others cannot tell me how I should or shouldn't feel.

I am sure there are things that you would find offensive that others would not.. should how you feel be blown off because others wouldn't find it offensive. Nope

In a sense you are correct though.. it probably wasn't as much about the gay/princess line as it was a strong indication that she does not have respect for what he thinks is important in life, and might end up being ridiculed in the future when there were differences. People do not always agree but respecting other's ways, feelings, etc.. is crutial in finding the balance in the relationship.
 lil red corvette
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 71
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is is all my fault?
Posted: 9/25/2008 5:37:10 AM
Would you like being constantly called Skinny,or fat... or foolish or even lesbian.. ?
Why would you ridicule someone you supposedly care about ... whether in public or in private... so in answer to your question...

Yes ...it is your fault... learn from it.
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