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 JoeinPortsmouth
Joined: 8/9/2008
Msg: 61
Who likes coffee for a frist date?? Page 2 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
The coffee shop meeting for a first date is simply a means to see if your online pictures are as posted. 99 % aren't, make that 99.99 %. I met one lady who showed me her Mon, Tue, Wed, etc. list of first dates just for that week, grossly obese from all those free dinners. No thanks you ladies, it's coffe or no date. Get fat on someone eles's nickel.
 trailgirl
Joined: 7/1/2008
Msg: 63
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:00:35 PM
The simple fact (at least in SoCal) is that there's a lot of misrepresentation on profiles as to actual age, weight, current photos, where they live, etc. I've heard it all and I've only been on POF for 7 weeks.

After spending considerable time on emails and phone calls, the first "date" has been too often like meeting a blind date, because you hardly recognize the person. I've heard this from many men as well, so can understand why they'd want to limit a first meeting, perhaps if only to verify you're who they have been led to believe you are. I don't take it as insulting, but then many people will take insult from ANYTHING. I don't choose to live my life that way.

There are many varied and wonderful personalities that make the world go round. The men that have held significant importance in my life were easy to talk to from the start because we perhaps held the same level of emotional intelligence, even if different personalities. I know I make people feel at ease, so if conversation is tough just sitting having coffee, tea, smoothie, whatever, we're probably not going to get along in the long run. Most people can go out and have a great time doing some activity with almost anyone, but that wouldn't mean you'd do well dating for any length of time.
 JoeinPortsmouth
Joined: 8/9/2008
Msg: 64
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:01:29 PM
See, typical female. GET THERE EARLY AND PAY FOR HER OWN.
 867love
Joined: 3/16/2006
Msg: 67
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:36:26 PM
most of the pragmatic women will want to meet immediately merely as a reason of not dragging it out -just to see if there is even a possibility for a quick face to face meeting. just a chance this someone can sweep her off her feet. -why waste time on anticipated romance if the two of you exist on a completely different plateau.
since one of the many definitions in the dictionary for DATE: "an appointment set for courtship" technically a quick meeting of a possible love interest is still a date. -even if its just for a cup of coffee. if the coffee meet works -theres no rules you cant add extra innings to your date and go grab some food...
most of the women i know, say its difficult to make a good first impression by stuffing her face with food. the first time they meet is very stressful, and she is even more timid than usual. making an attempt of dining while looking attractive and alluring, much more difficult for her. put a captivating individual across the table to give her butterflies in her stomach. the last thing she wants is garlic breath or something green stuck between her teeth -(just in case he cant resist sneaking in for a kiss -from this goddess who smells/tastes like garlic salad dressing)
my guess is the only women who demand to be dined on the first date are merely looking for a consolation prize if the date didn't work out.
 sherilyn70
Joined: 1/26/2007
Msg: 68
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:45:56 PM

If i spend accumulative hours on the phone with someone, and add emails, IM's. I invest somtime rvealing myself to them, and telling them about my life, dislikes, adventures, hobbies, children, family, work.... whatever AND THEN,
all that guy suggests to me is to meet him for a quick 15 minutes for a cup of coffee to SIZE ME UP to see if there is some "chemistry" .. HA, That is an insult.

I did this with one man. We talked in email, talked in IMs, talked on the phone for hours. Everything I knew about him said "he could be the one". Within 30 minutes in person I knew we didn't even have a spark going... it was a let down but thankfully we had met very early in the process and not wasted weeks getting attached to someone we hadn't met yet.


telephone calls and other prior communications often simply weed
out the man, before he has a chance to be attracted to her, in person

They also give lots of opportunities to build up false images. When we build someone to be something they actually are not it only leads to disappointment when you finally meet.
 redviking
Joined: 6/16/2005
Msg: 70
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:51:58 PM
My experience is that there is a directly inverse relationship between the amount of expectations, limitations, and requirements one places on dating and date behavior, and the "realness" and authenticity of their own person.

By extension, I find the "realness" of one's intentions and aspirations for a relationship to also inversely correlate with their requirements to be financially compensated, need for "control" (as in "he'd better do X, or else he gets the boot"), or need to be "entertained". Anyone geniunely seeking and capable of a genuine relationship will have a grounded, authentic approach to the situation as it develops... not a laundry list of behavioral requirements and a set script of events that must be strictly adhered to.

I think it' s also funny that there is so much resistance to the "coffee" or "drink" type of first meeting because there is an ssumption that it has a short time limit. I can only speak for myself, but I've had "coffee" start at 8pm and end at 2am ... and only then because we were getting looks from the staff at the counter who were just waiting for us before they hit the lights. And if you don't like coffee, suggest something else- the point is it's simple, low key, easy to talk, and "natural"... so hopefully everyone's comfortable, at ease, and being their genuine self rather than posturing, being on their "best behavior", and consciuously striving to "impress" or follow any particualr set of rules.

Also gotta love the concerns about "players" and statements to effect of "should be willing to invest some time/$/whatever", when wining and dining is probably the 2nd oldest page from the seducer's playbook.
 whothehellknows
Joined: 7/23/2006
Msg: 73
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 2:03:11 PM
A cup of coffee is just a casual meeting, and I prefer them over much more involved dates at first. Why plan on something for a few hours when we might not click and feel stuck in a situation for a few hours? If you can't hold someone's attention for 30 minutes, why spend 2 hours together?
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 79
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 2:20:08 PM
great post redviking. i used to live in hackettstown!

as long as the person is "in the neighborhood" then to me, coffee is preferable. besides, i really LIKE coffee. don't like the atmosphere? near me, we can go and sit by the ocean!

way back when i was first divorced from my first husband, we used to meet via newpaper single ads and voicemail boxes (there was no internet dating). i had some "dates" from hell. to me, coffee is a good way to meet and "then" decide what to do next AND it enables you to exit gracefully w/o being mean spirited. i do not believe in having someone agree to meet you, and then observing you secretly from a distance, deciding whether to leave or not. i am told this has happened to a few people, both men and women, and to abandon ship like that is (to me) both rude and insensitive. especially when someone does this based upon 'looks".

if a person has taken time out of their day and vice versa, i can commit to a cup of coffee. however, if they are unexpectedly obnoxious or not what they portray, i want to keep that as short as possible. by the same token, if a person has put forth gross misrepresentations, for example being ten or twenty years older than what their picture portrayed, then i would probably call him/her on the betrayal and possibly leave, after introducing myself. this has never happened to me personally, but it has happened to a few friends, both male and female. i also have prevented certain meetings when i find out a person has lied like this and even moreso when misreprenting themselves as being single, when they are married.

now, if you have spent way more time emailing and talking to someone, then you should at "least" feel you have a good friendship going and not have any qualms about meeting for a longer period of time, especially if this takes long distance travelling. it is harder, but in special instances it can be worth it. one of the better pof love stories involves a couple who found each other across the atlantic ocean. in that instance, especially if you had similar interests, then i would definitely schedule something to do. that way, you can both enjoy the doing of it, w/o worrying if there is or is not "chemistry". and if there is, you've set an example for the rest of us to follow and expand our vision and our dreams.

a seperate issue is money. i have no qualms paying for my half of a date. that way, nobody feels "ripped off" and you both can enjoy the activity, bottomline.
 Hawk8414
Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 82
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 2:26:58 PM
Shoe Princess, it just makes more sense to go for a coffee date. You may not want to, but it keeps the pressure off both parties, agreed? But unless you have so many demands that your date possibly feels uncomfortable meeting those demands, then something has to change. I can see it right now, you want to be the one in charge! And that's the way the cookie crumbles with you. You don't fool me, I can see right through your bullshit. You want to be treated like a real lady should on a first date. You want the date to feel like a good date. But you also want to be spoiled a little bit, don't you? Ok, some guys will do that. Others won't. Now, suppose you did this, and you wanted to go out to the most exspensive restaurant in town. You both go, ok? You meet there. Everything is fine, you introduce yourselves, he helps you into your seat, scenario, scenario. Right? Ok, now we get to the ordering of the menu. What do you order? Ok, let's say its Italian, you don't know what you want, but you know you want something different,right? Fair enough. You can't make up your mind so, you politely ask him to order for you both. (hint, hint) At this point, don't get ****y, just take it with a grain of salt and smile, alot! If he orders something that you do not think you would like, just keep your mouth shut and eat it anyway. Who knows? You might like it. It's called having manners. And right then and there, you really need them,ok? Don't lose your cool, unless he feels you up under the table or something equally as demeaning. Then you have the right to stomp the shit out of his feet and get up and leave. Ok, so, the food comes, and surprise! Its actually good! This man can order food,and he knows the wines! Wow! Hell, at this point, I would be impressedOk, so, you two are chatting and everything is fine, going really well, and you end it by talking until the doors closeOr we can do scenario number #2: You both meet, you take one look,and run back to the car screaming! LMAO!
Or we can do scenario #3: You both meet for coffee, and while you are talking, you tend to notice little things that kind of tip you off, that hmmmm, maybe he's not such a great guy after all. I don't know, he 's not really dressed up. He's kinda unkempt looking, hasn't shaved in awhile, and his breath is stale. Or OMG! He's really OLD! What do you do? Be polite, keep your mouth shut, and when the date ends, just tell him,"Thank you, but I don't think this is really what I'm looking for right now."
There is no excuse for being rude other than if he goes waaaay out of line!
Why do I put all this in here, because most people have actually forgotten what real manners are. It actually shows that you have some real class about yourself when you show those manners. Above and beyond all else, be careful. If you don't feel comfortable, then just tell him as politely as possible,"I'm very sorry, But I'm not very comfortable doing this with you." What else can you do besides give a very bad first impression of yourself?

Now, if you honestly think you're worth all that and some besides, you may have set your goals too high. And men can see right through that, and they will be the ones leaving you to figure out what went wrong.
 princesnotfrogs
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 84
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 2:37:07 PM
I agree with the OP. I do not like coffee dates and avoid them like the plague. I just don't think coffee shops present the right atmosphere and it always ends up feeling like an interview. I don't need a fancy first date, nor do I want to be obligated to anyone for a long dinner. What I find works best is meeting for drinks at a quiet bar or outdoor patio. It is an open-ended date. You can always choose to end it after one date, or if your initial impressions are good you can always extend the evening with another drink or dinner. I just find that both parties are more relaxed and open with each other rather than being guarded and supplying each other with "interview appropriate answers."
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 93
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 4:36:46 PM
ya know....even if you don't have "instant chemistry", if s/he is a good person, you might be able to fix him/her up with a friend OR vice versa. i just "don't get" that if you don't pass out at first site with instant "erection" or female version of that, you need to run off and do something else with someone else. unless of course you are putting together your own speed dating business. what ever happened to the boy/girl next store phenomenon? haven't you ever seen a drop dead gorgeous person who opens their mouth and the mood is instantly ruined? haven't you also ever experienced that someone grows on you and before you know it, you are "smitten"? that happened with one of my past loves. the chemistry was the best i ever had. sadly, there were other issues, but i did not attract to him on the first date, although i did on the first dance... it lasted a few years. and then, i i did get fixed up with a great guy by another i met and did not click with in that way, we are still friends and i hear from him a lot. waiting for his next buddy to come my way....well, in my dreams, but you can never stop hoping!

poster above: holding hands by the sunset would certainly be my fantasy....oh well....
 damantid
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 101
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 6:05:05 PM
When I'm going to meet someone for the first time I want a very casual, quick venue in case things don't go well. I don't want to be committed to an hour or more at dinner. If I'm not comfortable and want to get out of there I can finish my coffee and leave. If things are going well you can move on to something else. I wouldn't want to meet at Dunkin Donuts though. I would want to meet someplace more cozy and romantic. I know...Starbucks romantic?? The Starbucks near me is really nice with a great sitting area inside and an area outside on a little man-made lake with waterfull. It's a great place for a first meeting. I don't want to commit a lot of time and I don't expect a man to commit a lot of time or cash on someone he doesn't know if he even likes. My profile says for a first date...coffee or a very casual dinner. I prefer the coffee.

Just my opinion....
 damantid
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 102
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 6:10:22 PM
It's not quite as easy to walk out on a dinner as on coffee. What do you do, walk out before dinner is served? Leave the guy sitting there? That's just rude. With coffee, you can gulp that sucker down, excuse yourself and get out of Dodge. I've been on those awful first dates at a restaurant and all you want to do is get the heck out of there but it's just too uncomfortable to do that. It's not that the guy was being a jerk or anything, but there was just nothing there. No conversation just that very uncomfortable feeling. So...it's coffee for me on the first date. If we hit it off...it's fair game.
 MelloDLyn
Joined: 10/25/2004
Msg: 107
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 7:58:51 PM
No way not I! It is dinner and drinks or forget it. I think from a phone call I can tell if I have interest to go on a date. That is the cheap way out. They think we want to get ready to meet for 15 min. It is more or less they just want to see what u look like. So if they are not interested they will drink their coffee faster. If they are interested u may get a scone! Lol
 sherilyn70
Joined: 1/26/2007
Msg: 115
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 8:54:31 PM
Let me ask this coffee drinkers, is it just the pics are wrong or person is uninteresting? How quick do you arrange these meets?

No, the guy in particular I've mentioned in this thread looked exactly like I expected. He said that I looked just like my pics too. Just once we were in person it seemed like the conversation died and there just was no spark at all. It could have been false personality push on his part though, when he we talked on the phone he was a lot more aggressive and dominant than he was in person and actually left me having to make decisions. We met within one week of serious talk, just days after an hour long conversation on the phone.

For those that have said they would prefer to do something more active that is great... but for many people conversation is an activity. Being able to sit in a quiet spot and just talk is important to me in what I'm looking for in a partner. If you're not planning on ever having moments like that in your own definition of a relationship then the coffee shop concept may not be ideal for you.


They think we want to get ready to meet for 15 min

I don't understand the big deal in this. I never go out of my way to get ready for a meet... I only make sure I look good that day. I have never been one to spend a lot of time primping and making myself looking different than I do every other day of my life. I want them to see what they're going to get for the rest of their lives if they choose to be with me and not a false image that only gets made up every so often.
 deagain
Joined: 12/11/2007
Msg: 119
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 10:02:40 PM
I hate the "coffee shop" as a first date too. It's become so cliche. I see so many, obviously, Internet MEET & GREETS at coffee shops... hilarious/boring/laughable (how many of us have observed "I-NET-coffee meets"?

So, OP... If the coffee shop bores you, how about taking the initiative and suggesting something else?

Perhaps meeting at a community park that has lots of facilities - ie. skating, tennis, track, walking paths etc., or a community event, or a good for US volunteer facility, or a library, or an outdoor cafe for people watching etc?

Just trying to give you cost-effective suggestions.

BTW, you should always offer to split the bill (unless he's unbelievabley rich -- then you should still offer to pay your share but realize you won't be in his status quo and he will eventually feel that.)
 sweet smilin woman
Joined: 6/12/2008
Msg: 121
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 10:24:10 PM
Coffee, tea, an ice-cream cone, browsing a book store, checking out the library... something with an opportunity to see if there is a connection but also gives both people a chance to bow out gracefully if they need to.
 jsphn11
Joined: 12/24/2007
Msg: 122
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 11:51:20 PM
Coffe date for the first face-to-face is fine with me. After all those conversations about who pays for a dinner I'd like it to be as inexpensive as possible. I like to be invited for dinners, but I need to see that a man knows who he invites and likes me.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 124
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/29/2008 12:58:20 AM
I would rather be invited for a cup off coffee than a tumbler of gin to talk and get to know each other if we have something in common and good vibes...
 Hawk8414
Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 129
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/29/2008 8:45:02 AM
All the shallow people here in the room please raise your hands if you think you are worth a real first date with all the flowers and trimmings! Damn, if you folks think that a coffee date is so bad, then I'd hate to see what a real first date would be like. Nobody could please any of you because you are acting so shallow! I think as long as the person doesn't come across as fake or horrible as in his personality, or completely different from what they say in their profile, then hey, why are you so judgemental? Are any of you gonna look the same in 10 yrs? NO! People do change. And if that is so hard for some of you to accept then please don't bother to try and make yourselves out to be anything other than what you are, shallow! Even Morgan Fairchild had plastic surgery just so she could look like she has during the past twenty years!
Put it in your profiles,"I expect this and that and this and that, and if it is not done according to my standards, then you don't get the prize, which is me!" I mean, really be honest about who you are. If you're shallow, say so , then expect no replies. Maybe the silence will open your minds as well as your heads.
And all this because people expect more than coffee on a first meeting? Jesus!
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 133
Who likes coffee for a first date??
Posted: 8/29/2008 9:32:51 AM
it's intended to be a first meet where you can decide if this person is as they portrayed themselves to online and in pictures.


That might be true for some people. But some people will use the first meet / date to determine if there is instant chemistry. A person could look like their photos. There could be no obvious dealbreakers about this person. But if there isn't chemistry within 5 minutes or even 5 seconds of meeting the other person, then many people would quickly lose interest. People are entitled to do what they want with their dating habits. But I disagree with expecting instant chemistry because you really don't know the other person besides from a few email / phone conversations and their profile. BTW the first "meet" is technically considered a date. Since one defintion of a date is appointment with the possibly of romantic interest. That doesn't necessary mean that there will be romantic interest.

ll the shallow people here in the room please raise your hands if you think you are worth a real first date with all the flowers and trimmings! Damn, if you folks think that a coffee date is so bad, then I'd hate to see what a real first date would be like.


You are missing the point. I don't think anyone stated that the first date should be fancy or expensive. The point is that there are other inexpensive and more interesting things to do on a first date besides having coffee. These things don't have to last a certain amount of time either. You could end the date early if it is really bad or you could extent the date if it is going okay or better.
 Nao_Namorado
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 138
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/29/2008 6:20:19 PM
Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks would love nothing more than all of us POFers answering up "yes" on this question.

Oh wait! You said "Frist" date...make that former House Leader Bill Frist.
 heygirl49
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 140
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/29/2008 7:05:46 PM
I'm good with coffee, I agree it can just be relaxing. Ok, you could spill it down your front but it's casual and you can just talk. Nothing wrong with that.
 Hawk8414
Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 143
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/29/2008 8:02:38 PM
It just gets me because there are people who expect some guy to walk up to them and shove flowers in their faces! Look, just a simple coffee date takes off the pressure of not having to dress up and be perfect, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Its like you can really be yourself.
But when you dress up and do the real date thing, its almost like you have to put on airs to impress the other person so they will think good of you. Honey, there's one woman here on POF ,no lie, I actually read her profile, and I swear, I thought I was hallucinating! In it she wants her man, whoever he may turn out to be,to treat her like Tarzan would treat Jane! WTF?!
I was laffing my ass off! And the sad thing was, she actually was bragging about how smart,and funny and how beautiful she was and everything! And I was, like, "Oh god! These poor men don't have a clue!"
Don't brag about yourself, let others do it for you. I look at some of these profiles and I can see why the men have such a hard time, because it's almost unfair. Fellas, I feel sorry for you, just remember a pretty face don't mean there's a pretty heart under there.
It's not always about pretty and if she says in her profile ,"I'm all that and a bag of chips." RUN!!!
So, if she puts in there, she is looking for goodlooking, rich and smart, RUN!!! If it doesn't say, honest, down to earth and I can actually pass a real drug test, RUN!!!

If she actually talks down to you while you're emailing her or something, red flag, fellas! If coffee isn't good enough for her on a first date, then find something else to do.
If she wants to go dancing, hell, take her dancing! If she wants to go window shopping or checking out the antique dealer's place, hell, go.
But if she tells you, "I want to go out and have a real good time." Check your wallets! Its gonna be a loooong nite for you.
 sherilyn70
Joined: 1/26/2007
Msg: 153
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/30/2008 5:38:14 AM

I never said it "was a waste of my time ".... your putting words in my mouth AGAIN.

You're right, you never said it was a waste of your time. But you certainly did say things that would make others think that. Let me refresh your memory.

Msg 14: For me to go out, involves getting a sitter, I like to dress up a little and look good, It takes a little effort.I'm not gonna show up in sweats and curlers. I have 2 full time jobs and my time out is rare. So, if I make a plan to "meet" someone.... i like to have more thana "quick" cup of coffee.

Msg 58: If i spend accumulative hours on the phone with someone, and add emails, IM's. I invest somtime rvealing myself to them, and telling them about my life, dislikes, adventures, hobbies, children, family, work.... whatever AND THEN,
all that guy suggests to me is to meet him for a quick 15 minutes for a cup of coffee to SIZE ME UP to see if there is some "chemistry" .. HA, That is an insult.

So... what you really said was that a coffee date was a waste of your effort and an insult to you. It seems that you feel that you need to primp yourself and go out of your way to have a date with someone so you feel a need to be rewarded for this by having more than a short meet with them. To many people that could be seen as it being a waste of your time; it implies that you wasted your time by getting all prettied up and clearing time out of your busy 2 job and kids schedule.
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