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Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 323
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Who likes coffee for a frist date?? Page 7 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

Maybe I see something wrong here, some people may be burnt out on dating?
It has absolutely NOTHING to do with being burned out on DATING. It has to do with perhaps being burned out on getting burned though.

A first "face to face" meeting is hardly the same as a "date". As I believe DJ has already pointed out, "online dating" has things just a tad backwards. MEET the person BEFORE you "date" them.

A first "meeting" should be casual in most cases, although there's also nothing wrong if 2 people have been chatting for a while and determine MUTUALLY that they'd like to plan a more formal or longer "first contact" situation. Not everyone however is THAT comfortable before they meet face to face, and a "no expectations" meeting can be EVERY BIT as exciting (if not moreso) than a "date" which lasts for 9 hours..and one of the people is wishing that it had ended after 9 minutes!

I find it more "exciting" to meet someone for coffee thinking's just coffee....only to find that 2 hrs later, I don't want the conversation to end...and discover that....neither do they!

I think the difference is perspective is NOT due to any sort of "burn out", but rather to the differences between people who ARE able to be relaxed and casual and go with the flow...and those who have to have everything planned out to the last tiny detail or they're dissappointed.

What's the big rush??? Are they suddenly going to close every restaurant in town if you don't have dinner with this person....IMMEDIATELY? If indeed all those "butterflies" are present....then will they not still be there a day or 2 later??? I would certainly HOPE that if anything, a first brief meeting would INTENSIFY the excitement for a first "real date", not lessen it.
 just me67
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 325
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/24/2008 1:37:41 PM
Coffee works for me but it has to be during the day, there's no way I'm drinking coffee at night then I'll be wired!!'s a meet and greet, lunch works well too..It's an hour of your life if there's no connection you move on.
Joined: 4/8/2008
Msg: 326
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/24/2008 2:17:03 PM
It's not about meeting for actual coffee. It's about developing a repoire with someone that you've never met before..i.e online. I've met someone online before ata bookstore for a quick first meeting. Nice person...but no romantic chemistry.

Now if I met someone at a store or a nightclub..that is much different. The repoire has been establishing. The mutual attraction is there. In that case I would take that person out to dinner for a first date.
Joined: 5/25/2007
Msg: 331
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/24/2008 3:02:18 PM
I for one am not offended by the mention of coffee for a first meeting.Besides coffee being my drink of choice, I feel it is a nice casual meeting place where i feel safe. If all goes well who knows the date could be extended to a movie or lunch.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 332
Who likes coffee for a first date??
Posted: 9/24/2008 3:27:26 PM
Well it may be semantics, but most of my life a "date" has been planned with established attraction and interest in getting to know more; I've always known or known of the guy I got asked out by. Before it's determined there is mutual attraction, I can't say I want to date anyone - so yeah it's a "meet" to me. Maybe it does seem like a job interview, but until I am face to face with someone and can experience knowing them in that way, it just can't be very personal.

I also can't get nervous or butterflies for someone until I meet them and decide I like them - there's nothing to get nervous about or nothing to go on which would create butterflies. For me that comes from in person attraction, chemistry and further interest...all of which don't exist before I get there.

I did feel that the first one or two times I met people and then realized for me that it was misplaced before an actual meeting to get nervous (beyond looking for someone for the first time and looking really dumb walking into a place, which I developed a method for).

After I meet someone and we both get that "spark" going, then sure I will have butterflies for the next bunch of dates, cause I like the guy and get nervous about it.
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 333
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/24/2008 3:35:35 PM
Who doesn't love a large, hot cup of Timmys? Meeting someone online- nice, safe public place to do it in- my real thought? At first meeting if your expecting more than that, might be perceived as a gold digger from the start. Coming from the girl-coffee or a drink or two is fine- unless you don't partake. You may find you don't like dude at all- so why have him spend his money on dinner?? Save that for the good stuff later :)
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 335
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/25/2008 12:07:33 AM
I want that butterflies too. It used to be real date back in the old days when meeting throught the internet were still less common. But I agree with message 379. First meeting is not first date, if things go well ,first date can follow right away. Some guys are willing to drive for over 4 hours each way ( after talking on the phones few times) to meet jus for coffee. When this happened, I get hesitate. But I met nice guys this ways.
People have different experiences (some had been fooled by misleading pictures, etc), that I had guys who actually would try to just "have a peek" from the parking lot of a strip mall without actually physically meet. (i had few guys talking abouth this kind of meeting !!).
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 336
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/25/2008 1:55:41 AM

Ditto...What she said!

Count me in on the dittos of Bullie's well-thoughtout posting.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 339
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/25/2008 8:41:39 AM
^^^I'm with Bullie...I believe people say "chemistry" and actually mean "attraction".

Attraction is a given to most of us as a requirement for dating, and therefore if it's missing, while getting to know someone is nice and all...there's no future in dating them. Most of us can tell if we have attraction to someone or not in the first 5 minutes of being face to face with them.

Determining chemistry takes longer, but since romantic attraction is a part of overall dating chemistry, it stands to reason that no attraction means no chemistry.
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 341
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/25/2008 11:38:17 AM
I agree......attraction is that initial connection and draw, but chemistry is what develops once secure in the attraction.

There are many good looking women that I find attractive, but have no desire to have a relationship with because there is not enough chemistry to warrant it. That chemistry is rolled up into attraction, personality, style, education, financial security, etc.

The whole point, for me at least, is that I want to wake up with you as much as I do taking you to bed........

Just my opinion.......
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 348
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/26/2008 6:26:34 AM
That's because most people are afraid to even use the word "Date" these days...don't know why.

I explained why earlier, and the poster above you explained it as well. At least in my age group (35+) and region, the word "date" implies you already know and like and want to learn about someone, and it comes from a time you'd meet people before you talked to them. On a dating site before you meet in person, technically you don't know any of that yet.

Once I know I have attraction and interest in knowing more (and it's mutual), then I don't care if it's called dating, cause to me that's what it is at that stage.

I also think a date is a situation where two people do something elaborate. Meeting for a 20 minute coffee to me isn't involved enough to be a "date". It's no more complicated then a business meeting, really. You meet, you sit, you see how you feel, you chat a little and you shake hands and thank them for their time.

if I meet a woman from a "Dating" site...well....what do you think I call it?

If you both meet and like each other in person, you begin dating - and yes you call it "dating". I think it's more that people are here to meet someone they might want to date, not date people they don't know and hope they like em. To me that's what "dating site" implies - that you're here with the eventual result of dating that one person that you click with.
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 350
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/26/2008 7:01:15 AM
I have read these and have had a good laugh. keyzgu, you are hitting the nail on the head any woman who is worth meeting shouldn't expect dinner, may want dinner, but to expect it. Common on. I am currently involved in a relationship that began with coffee. I just expected coffee and conversation, and yes it was just like an interview for a job, you put your best foot forward to make an impression and hope for the best. And yes, if it works.....then dinner. But if shoes is limited on time, because of work and children, then get involved in some other way to meet single men who have the same problem. You know men work, men have children that they raise, some men have two full time jobs, things are so different in this society today. We are all so fast paced and we make the best of it all. So take the time to get to know the person before coffee, be willing to talked several times before the "coffee" date, and yes most of us are in a hurry to get something started. But the "coffee interview" worked for me. So good luck with whatever you find. Yes I still come to the site to see what the forums have to say.....Sasakigirl.....
Joined: 9/13/2008
Msg: 352
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/26/2008 8:24:16 AM
I don't know what a "Frist" date is........

If you mean a "FIRST" thoughts:

I wrote that I would be comfortable meeting for the first time...not necessarily a "Date"....for Coffee..... I am a Woman.....not only Men post this.

That is a comfortable, light atmosphere, inexpensive, public, way to meet someone new. If you don't like Coffee....have Tea, Juice, Water, order a Danish, Pastry....whatever.......

Meeting for Coffee does NOT mean hanging out at Dunkin Donuts.....There are a lot of little Cafes that are pleasant, cozy, and have areas that you can quietly chat with someone. If there are no "Cafe's" or Bakeries in your area....go to a Restaurant and meet in the late afternoon...before Dinner hour starts. If you hit it off with this meeting, than stay for Dinner. ...have a beverage.....EASY.....No pressure.
If you don't seem to be a good match, than leave on a friendly note.

Expecting to go out on the town and to be spending a lot on a Dinner, possibly with beverages, can be a little much if you don't find an attraction to each other. Lets be realistic here.....with the cost of fuel, and dating a few people to find a partner,
it makes sense to go slow...if it works will have more to spend on your next "Date" with that person.

Good Luck in your search.........
Joined: 9/13/2008
Msg: 353
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/26/2008 8:41:48 AM
Hi...again, I also read some of you prefer other activities. In this day and age UNFORTUNATELY...not everyone on line is honorable.
To meet somewhere hiking, or to go out on a boat....or some other less public place, may be a safer choice for second meeting.
As well.....what do you do halfway through a hike, or out in the middle of the lake, and realize.............
there is nothing left to talk about, and there is no all means.....if your initial meeting goes well....head off to find a more creative place to get to know each other better.!!
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 355
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/26/2008 10:01:01 AM
Elaborate?????.........For a first date? I must be in a different world then, but I am sure many think so anyway.......

Meeting for coffee or a drink is just the "meet and greet" process, which allows two that find each other interesting, the chance to see if there is enough attraction and connection to warrant developing that potential chemistry so necessary for having a real relationship............

Once established, my dates can vary as much as the situations and women involved. It can be as simple as meeting in a park for a walk and stopping by for a drink and listening to some music, to as complex as planning a trip together to just get away.

I have invited some to join me climbing 14,000 foot peaks, spending the day at a "pow wow" enjoying all the native activities, riding with me on some adventure in the mountains on the back of my Harley, while we stop and listen to some bands play on the patio, to going out and enjoying a nice dinner together.

There are many times that a date can consist of taking turns cooking for each other and putting on a fire, sliding a movie into the DVD and enjoying wine while we watch.

Other times there are NO plans, just a get together to spend that time so necessary to develop your relationship.......nothing mandates "elaborate" at all, and sometimes the most mundane things will be fun when doing it with another that you enjoy......

Just my opinion.......
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 357
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/26/2008 10:32:52 AM

I am sorry, but that is incorrect. The definition of date excludes any kind of age groups involved (35+). And not relevant to whether you know the person or not.

In my book, it's the way I and most people I know in my age group see it. To ALL OF US the point of a date is to get to know someone we already like. Period. It may be incorrect in your personal definition, but in our case it's right on the money.

A date is by definition: a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person. Example: to go out on a date on Saturday night.Notice the definition doesn't say whether or not you know the person, or what age group that it entails. It does not imply anything.

I don't date anyone on a Saturday night I don't know like and want to spend more than 10 minutes with regardless of what Webster-Mirriam says. Thanks for saving me the trouble of looking it up tho, not that I planned to.

If I don't know you and it's 30 minutes or less, it's a meet as far as I am concerned.

Example: "Let's MEET for a quick coffee." Or: "Let's meet for a quick drink/appetizer." "Date" doesn't work in that situation...not for me anyway.

Now, perhaps you redefined the definition to suit your personal situation. But the fact remains that it is still a date.

I explained several times that it's the way I see it...if it were just me, I'd let it go, but I'm not the only one who sees it that way. It's not to suit me alone at all.

Meh - you originally asked why people don't like to call it a date, I told you (again). For those who don't - that's usually the reason. You dont have to agree with it or like it, but it is what it is.
Joined: 3/16/2006
Msg: 361
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/26/2008 12:33:50 PM
a "date" by definition is an appointment set for courtship. whether its about a quick meet over some coffee or three hours dining on lobsters -if its a meeting for courtship -its a date.
-never know what your going to find on the other side of the computer or telephone, until you meet them face to face. isn't it easier just to get off the keyboard, get in your car and go meet them right away -in one of those cute little diners, restaurants or sports bars for cokes etc. and decide then if you really want to see them again (without too much emotional investment?)
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 364
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/26/2008 12:42:29 PM
And why not? Just as '...luck' said, first time face to face & without too much emotions attached to it, IMO, it's just the best scenario. Then we either still feel there is going to be a part II and both parties look forward to meeting again or we could say nothing ventured ~ nothing gained
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 365
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/26/2008 12:55:47 PM
I couldn't agree more with Laughinglibra... It's a low pressure environment and if one of you doesn't feel the connection then it's easy to keep it brief without being rude. If there is chemistry and you're both feeling it, you can parlay the coffee into another activity afterwards. I've had some amazing email/phone conversations with people that just didn't translate in person. People have busy lives! A brief coffee date is just another step in getting to know someone. Why should a guy invest $100 on a dinner date when he doesn't even know if he's attracted to you or if there's chemistry in person? Like Laughinglibra said; if it's that important for you to get the dinner date, then you ask, you pay. It's 2008 after all...
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 368
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/27/2008 6:13:50 AM

f a guy is a true gentleman and has any class, he will treat her with respect and buy her dinner. Otherwise, don't bother.

It has nothing at all to do with class for the first meeting to be dinner. It has everything to do with compatibility for both parties. Dinner dates first-up can be pressure situations with real or imagined expectations, hardly the best atmosphere in which to get to know each other.

A man should never tell a woman "I'll buy you a coffee first and then see if you're worth more that that". It's rude and disrespectful. I think it speaks volumes about how he feels about women in general.

That's not what coffee means at all. Coffee is an ice-breaker for both people and quite often leads to dinner.

When I buy a woman dinner I do so without any expectations except good company, but a woman who EXPECTS a dinner from me as a first date, merely because she is a woman, will be sadly disappointed. In my view such an attitude is rude and disrespectful on the woman's part.

A first date may well be dinner, but I date equals, not princesses.
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 369
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/27/2008 6:42:59 AM
I dont get it either, I only drink coffee first thing in the morning to wake up so a drink or a smoothie works for me but not coffee
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 380
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/27/2008 7:41:29 PM

i demanded another pic, cos it was getting stranger by the minute and he put another one up. He was about 20 stones heavier and nothing like his ten year old picture. so yeah, i have to agree, meet em for a cup of tea first. . its easier to bail out of if you find all is not what it seemed to be.

Dare I ask, did you 'send him to Coventry' when you found out? lol
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 381
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Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 9/27/2008 8:09:11 PM
Wieghts and Measures 101. The British Stone (Imperial measure is 14 pounds avoirdupois). So this Kiwi was 280 (give or take fifty) pounds overweight? Wouldn't an airline charge him for two seats for a flight from New Zealand to England? Seems to me that's a trifle pricey just for a cup of tea...unless the cream scones are really, really good! Did New Zealand run out of women? Just are very cute, and if I was as rich as Croesus and thirty years younger, I'd consider making the flight. But then I'm only one stone overweight, so they might not charge me the tonnage penalty.
Good luck in your search! (just a hunch, but it seems likely that there must be at least one reasonably good fish for you in the British pond!)
 thelast gentleman
Joined: 2/5/2007
Msg: 384
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 10/16/2008 10:51:29 PM
LOL Romance? Heck, if I've never met the woman before (and until we meet face to face, we haven't met, in my book), there is no romance involved. We meet somewhere initially to SEE if there could be. That's a tall order. When you meet in the traditional way, ie not on the web, you KNOW if the two of you are attracted on multiple fronts and then get to know each other. On-line dating is BACKWARDS, you only know if you are attracted to the way they write, or what they say on the phone. Not to mention, most of the people now days have some form of body dysmorphic disorder and unless they have a few pictures posted they're probably bigger than they THINK they really are. 5'5" and 160 pounds is NOT "Average".

So a first meeting is just that, a first meeting and I see no reason either party should be required to pay a lot of money for this first meeting.

IF you meet and find that there is mutual attraction beyond the written word or phone call, then it's very very easy to extend the meeting to dinner, a walk, whatever or make plans to go on a more romantic date.

Let's face it, the first meeting is a screening for both the man and the woman. If we are both attracted we can progress at the speed and manner we both see fit.
Joined: 11/11/2007
Msg: 385
Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 10/17/2008 3:49:48 AM
I didn't take the time to read every post, so someone else may have brought this up. I don't want to limit my searches to women who live no more than 5-10 miles from me. But Greater L.A. is a very big place, and that presents a couple problems.

Let's say that after a brief phone chat with a lady, I suggest we get together, and she agrees. Even if you have traffic in mind when you're suggesting a time to meet, you may not both be able to do it when traffic is light. And as the one doing the inviting, I've felt I should also offer to do the driving.

But in L.A. these days, it's almost impossible to estimate how long it will take to get across town--if there's an accident, breakdown, or whatever, sometimes it can take twice as long as you thought. It's not that easy to show up on time--or to be relaxed when you do. So just to get to our first meeting and back can be quite an investment in time and gas.

The other problem is finding an appropriate place to meet when (as often happens) she lives in some suburb I've never even set foot in. The Zagat guide, etc. can help, but not always. I've sometimes had to ask for suggestions, but then I can't be sure what some place she suggests we meet is really like. And that makes it too easy to get ensnared in drinks, appetizers, etc., so that before long you're looking at a $40 or $50 tab.

I've also tried meeting someplace halfway--but then, neither one of us has much idea what's there. So you end up looking up the address of a Starbuck's near the halfway point. Not very original, but in hindsight, at times that probably would have been the best plan.

I used to do all the driving and all the paying, for no reason except to be a gentleman. But too often, my good intentions have been rewarded with apathy at best, and at worst, outright rudeness. So from now on I'll drive, or pick up the tab if she drives--but not both. Fair is fair.
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