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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 9
Chemistry, is it real?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I recently watched a movie, and a line from it was "love might not be a lightning bolt, but a process". Several threads started recently had to do with beginning dating and the coffee date. Well over half said they want to see if there is chemistry, and that they would know in less than 5 minutes, many maintained it would take less than a minute.

I think most that say "chemistry" are actually referring to attraction. Once it's established you are attracted to someone, you may still have no chemistry, and you can also have chemistry without any physical attraction. It takes both to start a good romantic relationship, IMO.

Of course there are a bunch of other things to learn once you have those two in place that could still ruin things, but those two are key in wanting to know more.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 11
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/3/2008 10:50:00 AM
OP,

Do a thread search and type chemistry or instant chemistry. You will see many different threads and viewpoints about this subject. Personally I think there should be chemistry. But not necessary instant chemistry. Unless a woman was completely unattractive or unappealing, I would not reject her after just a few minutes simply because there wasn't instant chemistry. Sometimes chemistry can develop when 2 people begin to know each other better or when someone is more comfortable and less nervous.

Physical attraction may be a part of chemistry. But I think there is more chemistry than just attraction. IMO chemistry is based how well 2 people click and that can include personality, intelligence, common interests and values, behavior etc
 classic-man
Joined: 9/9/2006
Msg: 17
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History
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/3/2008 2:07:07 PM
CHEMISTRY == the long term jell that keeps the relationships together at all levels for a life time! JMHO
 vivaciousvixen2
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 19
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/3/2008 3:00:53 PM
classic man~CHEMISTRY == the long term jell that keeps the relationships together at all levels for a life time
soooo true**** i believe two people really know if they mesh well
it is a special little feeling that says i really like this person>it has nothing to do with looks~intelligence~~~~something in their mannerisms is special and different
it creates a special chemistry
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 20
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/4/2008 4:54:30 AM

Thank you Shoe princess, that is what I think, nothing wrong with infatuation, feels great. When you come down from the endorphins, when the rose colored glasses finally fall away, you'd better have built a he11 of a lot more than that.

Naturally....if you have attraction at first, you determine you have chemistry second and then you look for substance in the person, then you have a winning formula.

Most will find the relationship slips through their hands like sand. Preferences and attraction make possible your ability to connect and stay connected long enough to find out who you are connecting too, nothing more.

Of course they do, you have to use your head as well to determine if there's more than that....but it still has to be there in the first place.

If you feel all lust/love, and don't stop to find out about the person, you have zero. I feel as though people, both men and women, seem now to embrace the fireworks, and say "the rest will work itself out", ain't gonna happen!!

Who doesn't stop to find out about the person? That's what dating is supposed to be about...looking beyond attraction and chemistry to find common ground...

This is my problem with 30 minute meet ups. People are words on a screen and a pic, until you meet. Then if there is attraction, you date, it turns to lust and the cycle repeats. If you talk, listen, learn who you are seeing, you have an opportunity to go further, deeper into something. Bob

That only happens when people don't use their heads and get involved based on attraction alone - and for that you don't need 30 minutes. However, in 30 minutes you can determine if you want to know more about that person, which is what a first "meet" is all about. Preliminary attraction....
 Xcen
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 22
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History
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/4/2008 7:33:33 AM
Is Chemistry Real?
Certainly it is, I studied it in college. From the textbook I memorized categories of reactions, generically described as A + B ------> C + D. They also mentioned rate of reaction which is different for every set of chemicals. The instructor hammered away that the rate of reaction was doubled for every 10 degree rise in temperature. So, if things were going too slowly just put the ingredients together and heat them. (and always wear protective gear in case of a run-away interaction). Those were the basic rules. Of course when one went to the lab and had two unknown chemicals it was called experimentation to put them together and observe what reactions occurred. It did no good to hypothesize, the proof was in the mixing together and observing the result and upping the heat if things didnt happen. Certain categories of chemicals were known to be explosively interactive, such as adding an acid to a base. You did that while behind a safety screen. Many reactions produced products that werent useful for much so you just discarded the result and kept searching for the correct two starting agents that would produce very useful products. Come to think of it, this whole thing sounds like cyber-dating.

Shoe Princess,,,,,,,,,can we discuss the pretzel effect in person??? I suspect some awesome chemical interactions
 fancynanci
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 25
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History
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/8/2008 1:09:21 PM
Oh yes. I know within seconds if it is there or not. I call it the ZA-ZA-ZOO.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 26
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History
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/8/2008 2:27:05 PM
'Chemistry' is a combination of a lot of things. First off, is whether the other person has anything about them that turns you off; if there is, nothing will overcome that. Much of 'chemistry' is a collection of subconscious impressions and behaviors you get from the other person, many of which can be consciously manipulated and changed. Scent, for example, can be overridden by perfumes and such. Posture and gait can be temporarily adjusted to portray a different attitude than what usually exists. Attire can be changed to adjust the image of income, class, and taste of a person. Facial expressions and body language can be consciously controlled to make one appear to be different from what we actually are like. Speech patterns as well are part of 'chemistry', and can be learned as well. Basically, 'chemistry' relies on interpreting the image someone creates to attract us, much of which can be true or not.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 32
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Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/12/2008 3:59:47 AM
From Psych 101
Lovers throughout the ages have asked "Why doesn't he love me?" & "Can I make her love me?" Here's the chemistry in romantic relationships & why love happens.

“But why doesn’t he love me?” sobbed Sally as she mopped up her tears and runny nose in When Harry Met Sally. She was heartbroken that her old boyfriend married someone else. Sally’s not alone: most old and young lovers experience broken hearts and feelings of rejection in their lives. Why we fall in love can seem like a mystery.

Knowing why we fall in love – the chemistry in romantic relationships – may help ease feelings of rejection and heartbreak. If someone doesn’t fall in love with you, it’s not because you’re ugly, stupid or poor. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t right. Why we fall in love has been researched extensively.

Why We Fall in Love
Psychologist Mark Kristal from the University of Buffalo explains the chemistry in romantic relationships. “There are several types of chemistry required in romantic relationships,” he says. “It seems like a variety of different neurochemical processes and external stimuli have to click in the right complex and right sequence for someone to fall in love.” The chemistry in romance requires certain elements of love.

Smell. We fall in love partly because of smell. The scent of a bouquet of red roses, for instance, is a cultural preference that boosts the chemistry in romantic relationships. Dr Kristal says, “Smell forms part of the framework that conforms to cultural attractiveness standards. For example, smelling like a strawberry instead of mildew [makes you attractive].” Smelling delicious could be part of why we fall in love.
Love pheromones. We fall in love partly because of invisible signals. “Pheromones are unlearned, and perhaps unsmellable, signals that enter the brain through the olfactory system. They can function in sex, alarm, territoriality, aggression, and fear,” says Dr Kristal. He believes that we choose specific mates not solely due to pheromones, but for other reasons. Other sensory cues are better explanations for why we fall in love, such as touch, smell, and hearing.
The brain. We fall in love partly because of hormones. Oxytocin and vasopressin are present when people fall in love and stay together for a long time. Dopamine is also part of the chemistry in romantic relationships. So, when you’re wondering “Why doesn’t he love me?” you may have to look to brain chemistry as the answer. It’s not necessarily you, it’s just that your brain chemicals didn’t mesh. Lack of hormones could explain why we fall inlove.
Can you make someone love you? Well, since the chemistry in romantic relationships is affected by smell, you could try approaching someone you like with a dozen roses or a mug of hot chocolate. And since the hormone oxytocin can be created by positive experiences, it might be smart to ensure all your interactions are pleasant ones.

Just remember that the chemistry in romantic relationships doesn’t change who you are as a person. Sally in When Harry Met Sally was just as beautiful, smart and funny after her ex-boyfriend married someone else.


As a firm believer in "Science"; I trust the measurable evidence far above the "mystic"...you're just not looking at it properly, or yeah...it was there but you didn't recognize it. LOL! It must be one of those "subliminal" things then huh? My question is...is all the so called "stimulation" is just below our levels of perception, then how the heck will we ever perceive it? Write me down as one who says that those who deny the physical evidence are those who cling to the "mystic" mainly because dealing with "invisible and unperceivable" makes it so much easier to manipulate .
 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 33
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/12/2008 6:05:31 AM
I am studying it now, & I hate to say it, College text books are easier to figure out than most people...hahaha With people, and I find this even with friends; there is either an instant connection, or there is not. I am not sure why I am this way, and I have been my whole life. I either really like someone, or I really do not. Someone can be as good looking as sin in my eyes but if they open their mouth and are not so with it, I am instantly turned off. I am the same when it comes to making friends. Energy and vibes that people give , I can literally detect in a matter of minutes. I do believe in people being able to tell very soon if someone will be compatible or not. I also have seen a lot of people on here say they date a lot of people and are just as happy not finding that "connection". That part I do not get. If it takes so many trips to the dinner table to try and figure out someone, it sounds more like using to me.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 35
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/12/2008 7:36:05 AM
^^^How hard is this to understand? No lust means no sex - and most of us like that included in our relationships (at some point, anyway). Therefore, if we know there won't ever be any - what would be the point? It's not a "snap judgement". It's an essential part of a relationship to have that attraction. Unless you're looking for a 4th for bridge, that is.

AGAIN....the lust factor is a quick thing, sure, but it's pretty solid. If it ain't there, it ain't there...all the conversation, common interests and substance in the world won't change it. And that's something you can figure out in under 5 minutes. Whether or not you have attraction to someone.

HOWEVER, once you establish you have a lust, you should THEN use your freaking head to determine whether or not there's anything else beyond it. Obviously just jumping into something based on ONLY lust isn't too bright.

It's the combination of INSTANT attraction coupled with learning who someone is and whether you'd be a match anywhere but the bedroom that determines chemistry.
 CherylCake
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 36
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/12/2008 7:48:38 AM
Chemistry is how your pheremones act towards another persons' pheremones. They either attract, repel, or are inert. You can't make it happen, or not happen. I find the chemical attraction IS similar to an addiction. Just gotta have it at any cost. It has nothing to do with how a person looks, or talks. But you have to get past the looks & attitude before you can meet to smell the pheremones. Looks are natures way of getting the magnets close enough to attract & stick together.
And chemistry has nothing to do with long-term, although if you don't have it, you probably aren't going to be long-term.
Just because you have chemistry, doesn't mean you should jump eachothers bones immediately. It's just a starting point to see if the rest will follow.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 38
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/12/2008 10:12:34 AM
^^^Very hard to understand how anyone could decide in less than 5 minutes if you see yourself in a relationship with that person. You are entitled to your opinion but I still see this as a snap judgement, you know absolutely nothing about the person apart from the way they look and it seems ridiculous to me that you could make a decision based on that.

I can't decide anything in 5 minutes except any physical attraction - how someone looks has nothing to do with that...it's more any spark or being drawn to the person that happens (or doesn't) that I'm talking about. If you've never experienced that, then we'll stop here - you have to go thru it to understand it. AGAIN it's not a snap judgement or a judgement at all, it's a reaction to someone you are in the same room as, plain and simple. It's not a choice or something you can control.

Being that I can tell if I am physically attracted to someone fairly quickly I can decide if I want to know more or not. Naturally (am I repeating myself again?) if I feel no attraction, then it's not going to be dating.

I disagree.....a good flowing conversation, common interests and substance can change the way you feel about someone.

Yes, it can, but not romantically.

This is where the chemistry comes into it, looking beyond the physical and taking time to get to know someone for who they are, not what they look like.

Chemisty follows/includes attraction, so if there's no attraction, there's no (romantic) chemistry - however like I said, you can always remain friends.

Have you ever found yourself drawn to someone you weren't initially attracted to after getting to know them? I know I have, and i'm sure others have too.
Actually, no - if I have no attraction immediately, I never will. Most women are the same...while most men become attracted over time, tho not all. Which is why of course men don't get it and think it's a quick judgement...we know ourselves enough to know what we like (after 25 years old anyway).

The "5 minute" thing seems to be another example of the instant gratification of todays dating.....most people seem to want the immediate sparks and will pretty much write you off for the rest of the night if they don't like what you're wearing, or your hair, among other superficial things......sounds a bit sad to me.

The 5 minute thing isn't new and has nothing to do with gratification. Granted, men are having a hard time now that women are free to actually choose what they want and all instead of dating for financial security and all that, but outside of that what women like and want has never changed....it's more obvious here, but offline women pretty much go about it the same way. We know by walking past you if there's sexual chemistry or not. And since (most) people want sex with the person they're dating, they think it's sort of important.

If sex doesn't matter to you, or you're looking more for a companion where sex isn't part of the equation, then it's understandable why you'd not get it. Those of us that actually want to sleep with a man we date at some point consider it a pretty big requirement.

P.S. what the heck is "looking beyond" the physical - in the event you don't have interest in someone? I will look beyond the physical if I am attracted, but if I can never go back to the physical, what then?
 cw35
Joined: 4/8/2005
Msg: 40
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History
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/12/2008 10:05:40 PM
Is it real? Very simple answer. No. Our mind tricks us into thinking it sometimes but it's a decision, not something "mysterious" that makes you want to be with someone. So called chemistry can exist between anybody if they want it to. It's really an excuse to be picky more than anything else.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 44
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/15/2008 4:04:04 AM

It means continuing the first date with an open mind even though you don't initially feel the sparks within the first 5 minutes.

I am polite, and will stay till the end of a MEET so as not to be rude, sure.

They took the time to meet up with you, isn't it fair that you give the person a chance and not rule them out immediately based on a snap judgement?

If there's no attraction, there's no chance - but I can ride out the rest of the meet out of respect.

While you do make some valid points I can't understand or even believe that most women out there would make up their mind about someone within minutes of meeting them.

AGAIN (please read this right this time) I don't decide who they are as a person right away...however the physical attraction has to be a PART of giving them a "chance", and if there is none, then it's not possible. It's not going to happen over time.

If this were the case, wouldn't it be better to just end the date right then and there (before dinner) and stop wasting each others time?

It's not a date, it's a meet. There is no dinner. It rarely goes beyond a half hour.

If the roles were reversed, how would you feel if you met a guy for a first date, he took one look at you, didn't feel any sparks, walked out or stayed through dinner and pretty much ignored you all night based on his first impression of you?

Being a realist - I set up meetings to be a half hour tops so NEITHER ONE OF US has to sit with someone we don't have an interest in, and I believe men know right away too. A man who feels no sparks for me is more than welcome to turn and walk out - makes the meet much quicker and less expense for both of us, and a man who has no attraction for me IS NOT AN OPTION FOR ME ANYWAY.

Someone not having attraction for me isn't about me - it's not a choice, they don't feel it they don't feel it. Why would I take that personally? It happens a million times a day. Big deal. Next!

Again, the problem i'm having is the length of time.....if it was after the date then fine, but a few minutes makes no sense to me at all.

That's cause if you don't know right away you stick around to see where it goes. Those of us who know definitely within a few minutes that it's yes or no don't have to do that. Naturally you don't get it. That's ok - you don't have to. Know that those of us who do know what works for us.

Seeing that you have never experienced this it would be hard to explain. If what you say above is true wouldn't it mean that women are more shallow than men?

No, it means less men will get strung along and can then move on and be more productive about their dating schedules...that's if they use this to their advantage.

I seriously doubt that attraction can't build over time even though there were no sparks initially.

For me, if it's not there even a little to begin with, it never will be. Yes it can grow if it's there, but it won't appear later if it's not.

I have had enough experience to know for a fact that many women think personality is much more important than looks.....but thats just my opinion.

Personality may be more important than looks in the long run, but initially attraction has to be there. It's only after knowing someone months that personality overrides looks...doesn't mean looks don't matter at all.
 misszmsz
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 45
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/15/2008 11:25:17 AM
So I met this attorney online that I was attracted to. He was very good looking in person, but the chemistry was not there. Anyway he was very nervous, I tried to ask him questions that would keep the conversation going and get to know him better. It was hard to eat dinner because I was so bored, he was more alive talking online than sititing across from him. The palms of his hands were sweating which was the biggest turn off. After dinner he walked me to my car and said he had fun, that he was attracted to me and thought we had chemistry to make things work. Was he even on the same date? Physically attractive he was, a potential lover he was not.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 49
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/15/2008 1:41:56 PM
^^^Bob, I got from it that she found him attractive online but there was no actual attraction in person, on her end anyway tho he felt attraction for her...she can correct me if I am wrong.

Meaning tho someone might have classic good looks and be someone you think you will like from pictures, it doesn't always mean you will "click" with them in person.

You need to be attracted to them, but not everyone else has to find them attractive.
 NYerInDFW
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 52
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/16/2008 11:50:52 AM
Chemistry and attraction are two different things but it's something we look for in one package.

You can be attracted to someone and have no chemistry, and you can find chemistry with someone that you don't find attractive.
 misszmsz
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 53
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/18/2008 6:24:56 PM
Well Bob,
To answer your question, I spent over 2 hours with the lawyer having dinner, so it's not like I made a decision with haste. They say chemistry is actually an active phermone that you can smell. I'm not into shy guys or the strong silent type, so that is usually determined before I actually make a date. I like to converse with someone who has something to say, because I like to be entertained. I know I can be very entertaining, but I don't like to make a monologue, or feel I have to force the guy into talking.

One of my boyfriends was actually not handsome. I met him in a dance club when I was 25. I made every excuse not to dance with him when he asked and finally he said "Oh, come on it took me an hour just to get the courage to ask you." I found that quite honestly refreshing and so we danced quite a few. I ended up spending the whole night getting to know him. We had tons in common and there was a definite chemistry between us. So we started dating for 4 years and got engaged, but broke up when I found out he was cheating on me. But there was always a hot spark between us and I loved every minute of it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 57
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/21/2008 10:08:17 AM

Yes chemistry is real! I have found plenty of women attractive over the years but I have only felt real chemistry with 1 woman in particular and it happened immeadiately as soon as we saw each other and I have never felt like that since.

It is very hard to describe, I felt warm and had a tingly feeling in my stomach and it was just this special feeling that you cant explain unless its happened to you. Believe me you know when you have experienced it.

Exactly...if you've never experienced it, it's a lot easier to say it's superficial or shrug it off as choice...if you've been thru it, then there's no question about it or why someone'd want to feel it again in a dating situation.
 Skipe Townne
Joined: 7/14/2008
Msg: 58
Chemistry, is it real?
Posted: 9/27/2008 10:01:13 AM
YES real. Many experts of both sexes talk & make claims about Chemistry, Animal attraction, Magnetism, Yin-Yang but haven't a clue that their talking nonsense.

"Chemistry" is a obscure phenomena. It just happens haphazardly. Attraction & bridging the chasm between the species takes communicating & trust. I think "Chemistry" when I see, hear, smell or are touchingly close to someone thats "tuned" into me & me into them. In an instant we're communicating on the highest of human levels, Cerebral or cosmic.

C
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