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 Brownlady1953
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 85
I think I now understand why you are divorced.Page 3 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
A friend of mine who has been a therapist (and single by choice) for thirty years tells me that judging from her work, she believes that about 40 to 60% of adults have slight to major personality disorders that interfere with them having healthy relationships and marriages. Who am I to question that? I don't work with "personality disordered" people in treatment every day.

Having said that, I believe (through personal experiences) that those "too good to be true" folks -- male and female -- are the ones who have the most "personality disorders". Sure, they can be charming for awhile, but then, as several previous posters have said, there true personalities come out and they can be pretty abusive -- mentally and sometimes physically. And we can't change them; we can only change ourselves, and understand that NO ONE deserves to be abused.

I have encountered some horrible specimens of human male behavior, and I understood, almost immediately, why they were divorced and their children didn't want to have anything to do with them. Obnoxious, obnoxious, obnoxious....and that's one of the better descriptions for them.
 BlueEyes2love
Joined: 12/14/2008
Msg: 87
view profile
History
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 12/28/2008 12:19:32 PM
I don't view divorced people as being broken, less desirable, etc. As a matter of fact, I would prefer to befriend a divorced person because they may have similar life experiences to me.

I think all people can be great if they are inspired by the right person; what's good for me may not be for another - therefore, I say... look at anyone and do not discriminate divorced people; for they are "someone else's loss."
 FortyFine44122
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 89
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 12/31/2008 11:07:28 AM

Ohhhh gawd...I wish I would've heard their side of the story, I would never, ever had married him
Tha would be very interesting - to ask your date about references from his/her EX's

Strange enough, I loved being married and hated when it ended. I see my fault in the divorces, but I am pretty sure every time I chose the best husband for me. It just didn't work, but it might next time
 Brownlady1953
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 90
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 12/31/2008 12:34:32 PM
"Potentate of Pricks"

SunnyTexas, may I have your permission to use this wonderful quote, attributing it to the original authoress???
 LaAcesa
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 92
view profile
History
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 1/1/2009 9:53:57 AM
At my age, I am not interested in trying to change anyone. I seek someone that I do not feel the need to change and I enjoy being with as he is. We all have our faults and flaws, and while the blame for a broken relationship may rest more on one partner than another, none of us are entirely blameless. There are some faults and flaws that do not bother me in a partner, and others that I simply cannot tolerate. The ones I cannot tolerate, I will no longer excuse or look sideways at. What does or doesn't bother me may not be the same for the next person. None of us is perfect. I am not looking for the 'perfect' man. I am looking for the person that I can love and be happy with, despite his flaws. And he can be happy with me, despite mine. People forget that little, annoying characteristics at the beginning of a relationship will only intensify as the guards come down and the relationship goes on....so if it bugs you now, accept that it will get worse over time. You need to ask yourself, if this 'flaw' becomes magnified, can you still happily live with it or will it become a deal breaker? If the answer is the latter....STOP, do not pass go, get out now! As stated earlier, you cannot change anyone but yourself. Unless people change because THEY want to change, it won't last and will eventually lead to resentment. Honestly, are WE all looking for someone who feels the need to change US, or someone who will accept and love us as we are? Shouldn't we give any potential partner the same respect?

After my divorce, I separated the characteristics I would 'like to have' in a future partner from the characteristics I 'need' in a partner to be content and happy. I will settle for less than I would ideally like to have, but not for less than I truly need. There is a BIG difference between the two. Whether we expect a partner to live up to our 'ideal' standards or we settle for less than we actually need in a relationship, we are to blame because we are only setting ourselves up, and them, for disappointment and discontentment.
 Yankee again
Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 96
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 1/1/2009 7:10:19 PM
You can suggest...............but history usally repeats it self. And after suggesting, it repeats. Move on. You cannot fix broke. When broke don't know it is broke. Let some one else do it. Maybe it is not broke. But your perspective of things are different. You cannot change a person. And why would you want too. That is who they are. For me if things bother me. Move on. Love don't see faults. The infatuation is gone. Lust wore out, what ever is happening time to move on.
 Brownlady1953
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 104
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 1/6/2009 6:00:44 PM
Diamondgirl2727, since we live close to one another, perhaps we can sell our jerk magnets at a local yard sale..........
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 106
view profile
History
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 1/6/2009 7:43:53 PM
I took the end of my last marriage very slowly as I wanted to deal with myself first. I had a lot of time to reflect on why my marriage didn't work out and have always held myself accountable for my share of the problem.

The reason I've taken so much time had to deal with getting over any pain I might feel, any issues I might have had to resolve about the relationship, and to decide what I could have done better or should do better today. I'm not just doing this for the hopes of another relationship. I'm doing this for me. I realize that it took two people to make the relationship work or fail and I was one of those people.

There were too many unresolved issues on both of our parts the second time around and the healing was different for each of us. One might have dealt with it quicker than the other (I'm not going to say which one of us) but the unfortunate results of getting in a relationship too quickly took its toll on us both and only served to make us unable to continue our relationship.

I've been separated since 2003 and the divorce was finally a done deal in 2008. I don't think either one of us really wanted to admit it failed yet as time went by it became simpler and simpler to admit it and just go on with life. I have new hopes and dreams; a renewed spirit about who I am and a new appreciation for myself. I don't see how it could get any better than this as far as the learning to love myself first instead of putting myself on the back burner for everyone else.

I haven't yet started dating any one and I'm looking deeply into how people relate after failed relationships before doing so. I have some health issues that may be a deterrence to some people and my pocketbook may not be large enough for them but I'm really not looking for someone who cannot accept me for who I am anyways. I am looking for someone who can help me with some of these issues but I'm no way just another damsel in distress so please don't assume I'm so down on my luck that you can just sweep me off my feet.

I have come to realize that people have a past and they have to express some of their pasts to move forward, however, if that past is still being carried on their shoulder then I feel that it is not best to move quickly into a relationship with them. They need to take the time, as I did, to realize the mistakes they made in their former relationships and why they became attracted to the people they became attracted to then work on changing it for the better.

If someone is caring that heavy of a load for the past it is just too quick to assume that they are willing to learn from it and move on. Better to find someone who has dealt with it first.
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 113
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 8/29/2012 5:04:03 PM
If someone talks about their ex a lot, they are not over it and I am sure if you did the same thing, they would soon switch off. If he persists I would just move on. He is unloading on you and will move on more than likely, once he feels better and you only remind him of the bad period he was going through. It is called the "transition woman".
If you buy into trying to "fix" him, on your head be it.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 115
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 8/31/2012 10:03:26 PM
I have dated several men who I suspect were divorced with good cause. Two of them proposed marriage early in the relationship, one with the hope I wouldn't figure out he liked to be abusive, the other with the hope he could clean me out. I dropped both like a hot potato when they let their masks slip, so to speak and I have not regretted my decisions for an instant.

You have to date someone past the "honeymoon" period in the relationship so that you can see how they really are...at least a year or more. If you suspect they are putting on a show, let them go. A good man (or woman) is consistently good over timeand has nothing to hide. They do not cheat on, hit, verbally abuse or use you and they operate in the open without subtrufge or secrecy. They are few and far between in this age group, but they are out there.
 waitingforyoutoo
Joined: 7/19/2012
Msg: 116
view profile
History
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/1/2012 7:15:59 AM
Desert wildflower, as you know when you first meet most men they are trying to impress you. This could be for a number of reasons.
There are different types of men just like there are different types of women. I happen to be a no bullshit type of man. Is this good or bad? that depends on the type of woman.
Would you want a man to change you? I am always trying to change some things. I even catch myself and then reimind myself that sometimes saying how I feel about stuff might not be a good idea. In a relationship I want my partner to know how I feel and then we can discuss it and I prefer she does the same. Without communication in the relationship it is doomed for failure, this I know for a fact...

Talk to him.
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 117
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/1/2012 11:31:33 AM
I've been through 3 divorces. I've been held up to a harsh light on dates before and I respect a woman's desire to understand what happened. It is humiliating and embarrassing to admit I was a part of 3 failed relationships. I won't make excuses for this guy but only say that no matter how long him or me are single, we'll always carry some cynicism towards relationships and not necessarily women per se. Note the difference?

I wouldn't be so quick to assume all divorced men are pricks.

Back to your question, I would call him on it. Sounds like you are starting to see his true colors. If he can't resolve conflict in a decent manner, move on. But, don't assume all divorced men are like that. Thanks.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 118
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/1/2012 11:47:07 AM

I wouldn't be so quick to assume all divorced men are pricks.

no just many- as well as widowed & single too ;0P
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 120
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/3/2012 11:44:58 AM
I don't think you can make someone that age change. They are set in their ways. And if they put all of the blame on the ex, & take none of the responsibility for the break up, that's a red flag. With the exception being a victim of domestic violence or the partner abusing drugs or alcohol. A person that age isn't ever going to change, it just takes time before you see their true colors.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 121
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/3/2012 12:24:20 PM
^^^ I am divorced because my ex-husband is gay. I had nothing to do with that...he said he had known he was gay since about age 4 but came from a very strict, conservative upbringing (his family disowned him when he finally came out). We were married for 27 years and if he had not "come out", we would have probably been married until death did us part. I don't blame him for being gay...he cannot help that and there is no blame to be laid, but there are many people out there who are divorced through no fault of their own because of issues other than domestic abuse or addiction that cannot be changed or overcome.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 122
view profile
History
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/3/2012 2:07:04 PM
There are lots of men (and women) out there who were gay or lesbian and married because of "societal pressures" -- from family, mostly. Being gayor lesbian is not "something that one can work their way out of", no more than one can work one's way out of being black, short, or a redhead. It's genetic.

It is a shame that people are forced to marry and break the hearts of the spouse because of homophobia.
 RuralUrbanNZ
Joined: 8/26/2012
Msg: 123
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/5/2012 5:09:10 PM
Run - fast. Away.
 marybuckeye
Joined: 3/4/2012
Msg: 127
I Think I Now Know Why I Prefer Freedom
Posted: 9/11/2012 9:49:23 AM

We are fully responsible for accepting those we are involved with


As long as they are honest and forthcoming about who their true selves are upfront.
 Love.Notes
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 128
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/21/2012 7:41:26 PM
Your cue to leave was the day he started telling you all about his ex problems. People that are over their ex and bad experiences, don't talk about them let alone spill their guts out to the so called "new relationship.

1.If he's still talking about her/them he's still not over them.
2. When a person starts with the cutting remarks snotty comments, it's time to confront them. You should never tolerate disrespect.
3. Decision time shortly after that little "pep talk" about his attitude.
4. Water under the bridge or burn the bridge as fast as you can. Choice is totally up to you.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 129
view profile
History
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/23/2012 8:51:26 AM
I was married to a 2x divorced man . What I noticed not just my husband but women that I work with that are divorced ,are verbal petty things combatants. When I first come to America one co worker woman was always picking on me , I challenge her to fight outside, boy!!she got scared of a little me and become nice to me.

My late husband think that Asian women are docile and dumb ,because we look young and always smiling ,and he expected me to walk behind him .. Yes I straighten him ,I work hard to help pay the bills, and I am a tough person who expect no nonesense from anyone, to make the story short we live together for 18 years until he passed away in 2000. When he was alive, he told me that he never loved a person as he love me ,whenever he thinks of it ,it bring tears in his eyes.. I supported him 3 years ,until he got his SS .I showed him love and kindness, and he gave that back in returned..... His second wife regretted that she divorced him,( for financial gain) but my sister in law said that she can not do what sacrificed I did for him. And my husband told my sister inlaw to look after me when he is gone, that was very touching to me.

A man past history has nothing to do with his present, but he was mold on his past... A woman can break that mold that surrounded him to become a new man for her.
Vannili
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 130
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/23/2012 10:48:59 AM
so, I make contact with a woman, I tell her I want to go to the Improve comedy club on Friday and ask if she would like to go......

She says "yes", so I go and buy two tickets to that nights show........we text and talk on the phone during the day....

about 6pm she goes dark on communication.....30 minutes before the show is about to start, I realize that I have been stood up without any explanation whatsoever.....just "No Contact"


Another example of why first meets should be quick and cost very little.
 Happy Dude 63
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 131
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/23/2012 10:58:01 AM
OP,

I never speak poorly of my ex...or even discuss her with any dates. That was 'our' life and it is over, except what involves our children(17-25). Now of course "things" come up in conversation and there can't be 'I won't ever discuss that' attitude with your new spouse!!

As some have pointed out a guy or lady who has been married and divorced 1 or more times has to realize they have some percentage of responsibility. Obviously the more times married and divorced, the more the person needs to look within. Whether they are the problem once in the relationship, or the enabler getting into multiple bad relationships.

I have read some replies who sound like they were defending their ex in his/her past divorces...seems odd to me.
People who are divorced have some failure to admit to...NOW it is what you accept,learn and IMPROVE about that makes you ready to do better next time. I am not saying a good men/woman cannot get into a relationship with a very bad person. But we all are responsible for what happens in our lives, with some degree.

As far as your current guy? Some of the items of poor communication between you two sound like big problems to be. YOU CANNOT fix anyone but yourself. If you have been with this guy for awhile and he is doing all these poor relationship things you are noting, then you need to sit down and tell him what you see and feel. Look for a change,
if you don't get one, get out.

But do an honest assessment of how you got involved with this guy and if you have any issues to work on. Plus figure why you have kissed some many frogs??
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 132
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/23/2012 6:05:41 PM

So my question is, when a man`s behavior starts sliding, when he starts being a pr*ck, do you talk to him about it? Do you try to straighten him out and teach him how to
be in a relationship in order for it to be respectful and healthy.


I've tried to subtly do that with women.

It doesnt work; they resent you, basically, hate you for it.

Anything that makes you seem superior over them, in any way, is immediate grounds for divorce;; even if you make it clear that you think they are better at some things than yourself

There usually IS a clear and ever present reason why people are divorced, and even single, at this age
 Lostnwandering
Joined: 7/28/2012
Msg: 133
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 10/1/2012 9:24:57 PM
Get as far away from him,or her,as possible. Change phone numbers ,e-mail addresses and the locks. Until you are really sure,never let them know where you live.
There is no charge for this information.......
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 134
view profile
History
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 10/2/2012 5:03:02 AM

There usually IS a clear and ever present reason why people are divorced, and even single, at this age


Indeed there is. Its because they did not [re]marry!
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