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 Ed Bear
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 76
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What if you were warned?Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Long ago, my very first girlfriend left me (after one very intense month) for another guy. I was more confused than hurt; we stayed in the same social circles (university days) and not long after that she married him.

The guy was known to be a real hound, chasing all over and scoring like mad. She was also fairly aggressive and experienced, but not a liar or cheat. I wasn't invited to the wedding, but one of our friends did take her aside on the morning of the wedding (while the groom was shagging another girl upstairs, it turned out) and try to tell her gently that he was still living up to his reputation. She told our friend that she knew his past, and she hadn't exactly been virginal, but they really had their future on track now.

Nine years later, after midnight, I got a call... she was lost and locked out and had nobody to turn to. What? Why call me, so long after we'd last spoken, and an ex besides? Well, she'd been out to dinner with hubby and confronted him about the little disease he'd brought home (good old clap, thankfully nothing incurable) and he'd laughed and told her she knew what he was.

She stalked out, without her home keys, not intending to go home, and called her best friend. Who then laughed at her on the phone and said she'd screwed him, too, and what did she expect? You can guess the rest - he had systematically slept with EVERY SINGLE WOMAN SHE KNEW, and alienated her from any help, which was why she finally looked me up for a place to crash and someone to talk to. I had at least been out of touch and not refusing to tell her what he was doing...

Con artists are good. Liars can be very good. Honest friends are good, too... but they can be conned, too.

My advice is to be clear about what you expect, and if there are excuses CHECK THE FOOTNOTES! An honest person and friend WANTS to prove the truth... that's why I insist on being documented and not let things slide, giving people reciepts when they give me cash (to get something for them or to pay me back for something) and showing bills when I pick up something for them. If all the excuses and distractions are things that cannot be verified - and not all can, after all, that's life - start asking for proofs. Indignant "you don't trust me!" replies are an indicator of likely deception.

FRIENDS WHO MAY BE RELUCTANT TO COME TO YOU WITH WARNINGS **WILL** LIKELY TELL YOU IF YOU COME TO THEM WITH SUSPICIONS OR ASKING FOR ADVICE! I've had friends I liked but wouldn't advise people to trust because they were screwups. Someone who can't get their life sorted out isn't likely to be able to pay you back or live up to promises.

Look at how someone treats other people! The guy who laughs and boasts about what he's done to people, or says it's all their fault, is sending you a warning.

If someone is going to stay with you because of need, ask for a plan and a time limit. If someone's borrowing money, don't let it slide if they miss payments or are late, and let them know you are counting on them. Don't let someone who has been sloppy, then suddenly paid you back, then borrow a larger amount; skilled cons build confidence like that. Ask yourself why they need money again after you helped in the last crisis. And CHECK THE FOOTNOTES!

Lots of cons begin with a sob story that gets the victim to offer help without being asked - if you do this, be careful, document it, and make it clear what you expect. And if that's not lived up to, stop right there. Don't be afraid to file a claim - look at all the screwups on the TV court shows.

What do you tell a friend who asks if they should trust someone? Can they afford to take the chance is a good start. You'd better be honest about real experiences, not just being bitter.
 Spoken For
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 77
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What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 4:16:17 AM
They didn't tell you because they know that there was a 99% chance that you wouldn't listen to them. There are countless women and men who go into a relationship even with everyone telling them they are making a mistake and don't listen...they are convinced that "it's different with us," and that the people who are warning them are "just jealous of what we have."

It's usually not worth it to even try.
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 78
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 4:57:24 AM
once again we have negative people attacking the op..*sigh*

i do believe in warning friends..and if it is someone you don't know, well that is trickier, because more often than not you'll be accused of playing the jilted lover. none the less, there are plenty of times i wish i had known certain things that others chose to withold for fear of seeming "meddlesome". i personally have taken advice when forewarned about certain people, and not regretted it in the least! when it comes to giving someone the heads up on a particular love interest, you have to decide if you are willing to be put down for your efforts. i had a boyfriend who cheated on me with a close friend of mine. needless to say that within a bare month of their new relationship i saw him in a compromising situation with another girl. i swallowed my pride and gave former friend the bare bones, (time, place, actions) and was called a lying b*tch. two weeks later she caught him and was deeply hurt. she lost our friendship over a guy that wasn't worth her time and was made a fool of to boot. it was a sad situation, but i think i would have felt dishonest in not trying to give her the heads up, i know it would have been great if someone had done that for me.

people may believe you, they may not. either way you will have a clear conscience knowing that you tried.
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 79
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 5:15:19 AM
I tend to agree with many of the other posters who say that no one would listen if they were warned about someone new in their lives... What people will do to avoid being alone or lonely has been written about time and time again...

But would I listen? Yes I would... now... after a few times of not listening when I should have... I would still want to see for myself but I'd be very aware of any red flags in his behaviors and chances are pretty good, I would keep myself detached...

It's human to try to see the good in people and even baseball teams get new seasons but when someone has a well-established pattern of using and abusing, I would never think I could change that...
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 80
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 5:26:45 AM
Look at how someone treats other people! The guy who laughs and boasts about what he's done to people, or says it's all their fault, is sending you a warning

That is excellent advice...thank you :)

It can be very hard to try and "warn" someone about a future friend of many years tried to warn me about my I did listen but in the end decided to follow my heart instead of my head. It can also backfire on you when you try to "warn" a friend and they will end up resenting you for staining the imagine of the person they are in love with. The poster above I believe said it best...that a good friend might not come to you and say anything BUT if you go to them with suspicions they may be willing to give their opinion then.
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 81
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 5:50:29 AM
He never asked for money? Okay, then it is not the guy I met from here. Mine needed gas money (which he used to go gamble with) and never had a dime when we went out. Or when he flew to Florida (on my dime) to help me move (and sat in the truck the whole time playing video games.) Bottom line, if you have or had warnings, pay attention to them. I only WISH I had the warnings some people did. I did not find out about mine until after I moved, but then again being out of State was not an easy way to hear about anyone. But I did find out on my own afterwards. I am not saying what all people may tell you is the truth, but if a number of people are telling you something, chances are, the person MAY be what is being said about them. This is a hard situation. Just pay better attention to you own gut feeling. MOST if us have a good idea. And if he is local and there with you all the time, you should be able to have a pretty good idea. I was told a lot of things, by neighbors and his local hang out spots which really did turn out to be true. Do your homework. Most people, will talk.
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 82
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 11:47:20 AM

I was in a similiar situation. I met someone, began dating him, and we hit it off splendidly. After date number 2, I was suddenly inundated with a host of emails, texts, and phone calls 'warning' me about the man in question. The lady who was 'warning' me about him, in turn 'warned' him about me. The lady had no idea who I was, but had a field day trashing me. I discovered later that the woman was a friend of the man I was dating, and because she had romantic feelings for him, she tried very hard to sabotage any chance of us staying together.

While I thanked her for the 'warning' and 'concern' I told her I was able to make my own decisions about him myself. Well, shortly after she upped her need to put a wedge between us and it worked. I broke up with him because I had enough of all the meddling going on ( I mean this woman even called his previous ex to tell him he was asking for her when in fact he was not). At any rate, I was upset, because I really liked him, but the 'drama' became more than I could personally digest.

Yes, I think you did the right thing for saying what you felt she needed to hear, but I am not surprised by her reaction. Everyone has different motivation for the things they do and say. I can't say I heeded anything she said, because she not only talked a lot of smack about my then boyfriend, but she did the same to me. I guess it would depend on the situation and the parties involved. All I can say, from my point of view, is following your own gut instincts makes the most sense.

In regard to this comment you made:

I've come to learn where there's smoke, there is fire.

Sometimes people PUT smoke where there is no fire. That, sometimes, is far worse than the latter.
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 83
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:32:40 PM
>>>>> The guy who laughs and boasts about what he's done to people, or says it's all their fault, is sending you a warning<<<<<'

That really is excellent advice!!!

My ex bf is boasting about how men are men and we should expect them to lie and cheat simply because they are men. He says that if a woman is stupid enough to let a man get away with it, then we deserve what we have coming.

What if we didn't know they were lying or cheating? As soon as I found out I broke it off, but he was doing it for a couple weeks before I got the evidence, which turned out to be from the one he was cheating on me with. She thought he was a joke and she ended up using him the way he used me. So I guess that karma came around to him because she is the love of his life... still wants her back even though he's telling this new woman he loves her.

But I would say that is a very good red flag... listen carefully how someone talks about an ex or what they did to an ex. If it sounds vindictive, cruel, hurtful, etc, chances are you are hearing right from the horses mouth what that person is like, and people basically don't change.

Thanks for the advice!

Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 84
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:52:50 PM
When emotions are involved not everyone acts in a rational manner. Or do they observe the "signs" that are obvious to others. They are too emotionally close to the situation. One doesn't want to believe that the person who intimate with them and claims to care is actually using them and abusing them financially or otherwise. Flags are ignored or put on a shelf because they are in denial. It can't be happening. I care for this person. This person cares for me (so they claim). Don't beat yourself up and don't feel badly. You did nothing wrong except trust someone who didn't deserve your trust. The scoundrel is in the wrong. They don't deserve your tears or the wasted time in trying to figure out how you could have been duped. This was a life lesson to keep your finances apart until trust is proven.

Of course you could have used a warning. However, not everyone listens to another person's warning. Not everyone is genuine in their motivation to warn you. Women do this to each other much more than men. We are socialized to be competitive instead of being sisterly in our concern. So women tend to be suspicious of other women's motives.
Joined: 10/23/2005
Msg: 85
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 2:12:37 PM
What I would like to know is ....

How do these guys get away with doing this 'over and over' and still land these women 'again and again'....

Are we at a point (note - I did say 'we') where we are so blinded by the 'good' stuff we see about these people and so hopeful that they are what we seek that we overlook things that seem 'odd' or a bit too much????

How is it these guys get away with this over and over and don't run into the scorned woman with enough 'anger' (for lack of better words) that does something that keeps him from doing this to others????

THEN - poor unsuspecting guys like myself come waltzing in to a woman that has been on the recieving end of such behavior - and we are suspect to the Nth degree, never trusted, never given half a snowball's chance in H3ll, etc...

What I think really needs to happen is - people on the 'recieving' side of things can't really be expected to effect a change. It needs to come from the 'sending' side. It needs to be family, friends of these 'players' that need to step up and tell them - "You are an a$$hole" - when they see them behaving like this and doin' this to people.

I have told a friend of mine - when I see that he has treated a woman poorly - "you are a jerk"

Too, I have met the bf of an ex of mine. They asked me 'I wanted to ask you about XXXX (her)'. I just told him that he would need to find out for himself. I do not know if she still is struggling with the same issues (bipolar and refused to do meds, etc).

People, if y0u see a friend or family member of yours treating others like cr@p - do everyone a favor and let them know what you think of them.
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 86
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 4:31:11 PM
Sharzi, I'm amazed to see your profile lists your age as over 25!
Whether it's a cheat, a scoundrel, or a con-man/woman - they all share in requiring a willing victim.
If you were not willing, they'd not have victimized you.
Looking oustide of your self for direction is a delusion.
Strangers warning you?! Come on. Just check your horoscope!
It's your rush to willingness that gets you.
Everything is obvious in time. Patience is the virtue that's lacking IMO.
Slowing down the process would surface the inconsistencies.
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 87
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 5:16:10 PM
stevelfun wrote:

>>>>> People, if y0u see a friend or family member of yours treating others like cr@p - do everyone a favor and let them know what you think of them.,<<<<

I call out friends and family members in a heartbeat if they treated people badly. The problem is, if a person is inclined not to have a conscience, chances are anything I or anyone else would say will not change them.

Trust is hard. We don't trust someone who might warn us, we might hold back trust from someone we're interested in because we've been hurt, and really, trust is something we have to earn.... it shouldn't be given out willy nilly.... as I've learned.

I used to trust everyone until they gave me reason not to. I no longer do that. I want to get to know a person and reserve judgement until I do. Once someone has my trust, it is always shocking to find that you've opened yourself to someone who truly didn't deserve it after all.

I know it's got to be frustrating when someone nice comes along and the other person is making them jump through hoops. But it's a self-protection, because I don't know how many times a person can be hurt before they do put up a wall. I definitely have a wall now, but it's going to take someone very special who really does care for me, to stick around long enough to tear it down.

Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 88
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 5:23:27 PM

Again blaming the victim. Here's the thing, some people are pretty nice folks. They don't normally go around being suspicious of everyone, and especially someone who also appears to be a good person.

I cared for him very much and wanted to help him and in turn he was going to help me. But, I kept my eyes open for anything that would signal ill intent. As soon as I found it, he was gone. It took a week for me to get what I needed to dump him.

Still, I had no idea what I was really dealing with until after we'd broken up and everyone came forward to tell me some very horrible things about him. I had no way of knowing, and he was quite gifted at hiding things.

Had those same people come forward and told me the things they did after the fact, there is absolutely no way I would have been with him at all. The things he's done are scary, disgusting and cruel. It would be one thing if someone warned me he was a cheat. But quite another with the information I got from them, not to mention, apology after apology from his friends. They truly believed because he was so crazy about me, that he would finally straighten out his life. He can't. He is who he is.

I would have appreciated that warning. If nothing else, it would have given me a lot to think about.

Joined: 8/12/2008
Msg: 89
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 5:23:31 PM
You last boyfriend was trying to play me, still telling me he loved me, missed me, wanted to hang out etc. and he lives an hour away from me and we've only seen each other once since breaking up in October, so I really didn't know the truth from bullshit...I found something on his facebook page "spending time with Nikki", asked him who Nikki was, and he said A KID HE HAS. Even went as far as sending me a "picture of the kid"...Well, not believing much of what he says, I decided to try and find this fake myspace page he even had told me he had...would never give me the link though. Found it and found the girlfriend he has that he met online, and had been dating for 3-4 months before they decided to move in together...I tried to contact the girl...he intercepted the messages. So I contacted her friends, to tell her what he's like...Then they all blocked me from sending messages, and supposedly she wrote me back saying she'd handle him her own way...they're still together. She acted as though I was bringing drama into their relationship when it was really her boyfriend doing it...sometimes girls don't want to believe what they're hearing when they're sooo in love, or so they think...with whoever the guy is. I tried to help her, and although it bothers me that someone's so naive, I have to just know I tried to help her and that's all I can do. This guy is also a sex offender, I had later found out...and she said she knew about all that already....but yet has pics of kids at their house...while he was around. Some girls =)
Joined: 5/7/2008
Msg: 90
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What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 6:03:10 PM
quote[But, I'm curious how many of you would really heed a warning if you were crazy about someone? I know there was a time when I probably wouldn't have, but I've come to learn where there's smoke, there is fire. ]

You probably feel that way because you found that out the hard way, which up until that happens, most people won't listen to those warnings. Your ears grow exponentially after only one time falling for one of these people
Joined: 10/11/2007
Msg: 91
view profile
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 6:25:21 PM
This was many years ago, but I started going with a guy, and a few people had really negative things to say about him, which of course he poo-pooed away. But when shit started happening between us, it didn't take me long to drop his ass. He was very charming, witty, good looking, and fun to be with. So if I had not been warned, I might have put up with the crap for years. Point being, even though I did not dump him on the spot, I had been warned, and I think it saved me a lot of problems.

I also experienced something similar to annastheasia's. My friends and I were out partying one night, and my best friends live in, just happen to be in the same bar. He came onto, and made passes at everyone of us. So, since she was my best friend they talked me into telling her, so I did. She talked to him, and he said I was a liar, and I just wanted to break them up, yadda, yadda. She really didn't know what to do. She told me she thought we all just misunderstood his intentions. We remained friends, they remained live ins, until she happen to check up on him one night, and caught him with someone else. What I said to her, had sunk in. She of course apologized to me, and left him. So once again the warning did help.

And I did also experience the thing where your friends keep you informed of what your ex is doing. And I finally had to tell them to stop, that I didn't want to hear anything else, I no longer cared what he was doing.

But, if I was warned today about someone I was seeing, I might not necessarily break up with them, but I wouldn't be blind either.

Giving someone a heads up, is not a bad thing. If you are doing it to protect someone. jmo
Joined: 2/8/2005
Msg: 92
view profile
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/13/2008 6:30:22 PM
Definately if you have experienced being put through the wringer, you learn to listen to the warnings. It's not worth the heartache. For those that have not experienced it, they might just have to jump in the water and learn it anyway! Most people dont listen. If you are not going to listen to your own intuition, you are going to listen to anyone else that is trying to help protect you!
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 93
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/14/2008 5:32:19 AM
Sharzi, Why do you feel 'the victim'?
Didn't you engage or entertain involvement for your own pleasure?
If not, you'd consider your 'givings' charity and be ok with it. Some give for nothing.
You were in it for you - your benefit. Now You feel short-changed, victimized.
Yet you 'went there'. And fail to own up to your willingness to do so.
Your judgement is clouded and directed firmly away from your self.
Find a mirror and you'll find the cause and solution to your victimization. It's you.
Not blaming the victim, not even blaming - just putting responsibility where it belongs.
Where it can effect change - No one can protect you from your self!
Your statement that he 'would finally straighten out his life' is a judgement of what you think straight is - and others need to follow your path.
It ain't his path! He's on his path. Maybe he was put in your path to straighten YOU out!
Consider him a warning to you. Think about it.
You're looking for validation - poor Sharzi. Many give it to you. Ultimately, it's worthless.
Good for you, you are absolutely right - he's a bad guy. The world is full of them - let's protect the world by dividing it into good and bad.
Then make a warning system!
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 94
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/14/2008 6:12:13 AM
Warnings can come from inside & outside- I definitely try to heed inner warnings, the so-called "red-flags". I' m also willing to listen to the warnings given by others- I try to assess their motives, & I will think about what they say & how valid it may or may not someone simply being vindictive or is there a validity to what they are saying? I ultimtely make up my own mind. I recently was contacted by a member on this site, was vey interested in him too- was telling a friend of mine about him & his profile etc...she had alot to say about this man's history & reputation...I wrote him & asked him for the facts behind what I was told. In other words, I try to be fair...also tried to be tactful...this person has never responded, which makes me wonder if what I was told was, indeed correct.
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 95
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/14/2008 6:14:33 AM
People always need to find out for themselves and learn from it. You just end up looking like a bitter and twisted old pike. If the man (or woman) was slimey enough to pull one over on you, then they are likely to be able to talk themselves out of whatever you have just told the new partner....And as for ex's telling me stuff, well, I think I'm big enough and clever enough to watch out for my own red flags thanks and deal with it accordingly.
 Pixy Dust
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 96
view profile
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/14/2008 7:31:11 AM
This is an age old question isn't it? To tell or not to tell and how it would affect your relationship with the friend in need... not to mention would I listen if it were told to me.

In this internet dating world you do find all types of relationships gone bad and when you get to a event some will sit around and point out if they are comfortable with you this guy or that girl that is a "playa".... not knowing some of these people giving out the status report on the guilty party you do question whether or not to believe them based on what you've heard about the individual doing the talking...mmmm if it were a close friend I would listen.. I've ignored in the past to my own detriment... we can all recite a crying story of our own if we dig deep enough into the databank in our mind... it depends on who is passing out info... in this world of are you damaged goods if you can't trust someone until they prove to you otherwise thought process I think alot of women especially fall into the trap of trying to prove they let go of that baggage... you read constantly the guy who says "I'm a nice guy!" "don't lump me in with those jerks you dated".... most of us NOT in our 20's or even 30's anymore hope and pray we've figured out the writing on the wall.... before we get hurt... the trouble is a con can be so charming and say all the right things and you so want to believe them... until you find yourself beating your head against that proverbial wall..... stop beating yourself up OP...
 Gentle Aura
Joined: 10/9/2006
Msg: 97
view profile
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/14/2008 7:57:38 AM
For starters the guy is obviously a slime ball. People (women in this case) have to have more self-respect for themselves. The warning signs are all over the place yet they think that for some valid reason they are "different" and it will be different with them than the rest. It's because of this thinking, they always end up getting burned.

I had a "friend" of mine that got caught in that same trap. I met a slime ball here on POF (and yes he's still currently lingering around and I wish I could somehow call him out), he was the guy that painted a perfect picture for you only to end up the guy that you never wanted in your life. He was the epitome of a slime ball. A very dirty man that plays very dirty games. She knew everything that this man put me through. She opened up an account and decided that she's going to give him a taste of his own medicine. She fell into his clenches instead. She obviously thought that she was the one that going to be "different". Three months later, she ended up in the same shoes I was in. It didn't bother me all that much when she came to me to confess her stupidity because I knew she was going to get burned and also because I was (still am) in a very healthy and happy relationship so it was better that he was someone else's problem and no longer mine.

So yes, I agree with the OP. Where there's smoke there definitely will be fire. You did he right thing to warn this woman. I would have done the same thing. If one chooses to ignore the warning signs, then they get what they deserve.
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 98
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/14/2008 8:05:22 AM
Ok After reading your thread OP I was getting dizzy.

There are always signs. You need to learn how to spot them. Take time to observe and listen. And always, above anything, listen to your gut feelings.

I have never had to have anyone warn me about anybody. It is I that would have that gut feeling and everyone else would say, oh just give him a chance.

And it doesn's stop with just me. I also experience this with my kids friends. If they are no good I know it and tell them to watch for signs.

Going forward make sure to pay more attention!!
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 99
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/14/2008 8:31:57 AM

I will never think it's okay for someone to lie, cheat, steal. Weren't we all taught those things were wrong? We used to get punished for it when we were children and now tat we're adults, it's okay?

If you take a nice person for a ride under the guise of "love"... you don't think that's wrong? I personally could not live with myself if I ever did those kinds of things to someone. But there are those who have no conscience. I guess you're okay with all of that?

Yes, I gave him money, but we had a handshake agreement that he would in turn do some work on my house. No work was done. We had a agreement that I would put him on my phone plan but he would be giving me $80 per month. I never saw that money and he racked up a bill of $358 that he didn't pay either. Then he spread it all over the small town he lives in that he had a girlfriend with some money and he was going to "bleed her dry."

Yes, as far as the money goes, I have learned my lesson. I won't ever give anyone money again no matter what agreement we have unless I have it in writing with that person's signature. I have emails, text messages and witnesses, but that's not good enough I'm afraid.

To me, we've become a society where the bad guy is somehow rewarded for his/her creativity in deceipt. It doesn't matter what wrongs that person does, let's take the person who was hurt and drag them through the wringer. After all, you should have seen the lies coming. Oh, and the cheating... well, you deserved it. And lest we forget, you should beat yourself up for being nice and kind, trusting and caring. Because, damn... that makes you a target and well, take a look in the mirror.

Sorry, I don't buy that. Maybe it's how I was raised, but I believe in truth and honor... I still want to believe that taking advantage of others to get what we want... is wrong.

I'm wondering how many who are pointing fingers at the one taken advantage of, has ever done it to someone themselves.

Joined: 3/26/2006
Msg: 100
What if you were warned?
Posted: 9/14/2008 8:41:08 AM
My mother has a saying

Hard head soft behind

Funny thing

Mom was right about the man I married and the man I was with last year

Next time I go to Atlantic City ...I'm taking Mom
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