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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 77
What is friends first?Page 3 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

You are right!!! Most women know how to cook nice dinners by themselves. Who cares for the free dinner? Don't waste my time with an unmeaningful dinner!

LOL...exactly! No one's THAT hungry, honestly!

To me it means no sex, no pressure to be in a relationship, and no exclusivity - meaning you can continue dating other people. Then if they like you and you two hit it off, it can start getting serious at that point.

I agree wholeheartedly.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 78
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/13/2008 8:45:49 PM

I hear this over and over, "looking for a friend first and possibly more". Don't friendships develop over time? I'm in my mid forties and I don't have time! LOL I want to date my future lover. I want romance and passion as soon as compatibility is established!


Wow! Well good luck to you with that!
Hopefully by creating this thread you were immediately hit with plenty of offers for compatible sex with total strangers who might at some point be a friend. Cuz tick tock tick tock your clock is wound tight and you don't have all day.....come on men, get on it!

I'm a little shocked the thread wasn't pulled for it's blatant plea for male response.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 79
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History
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:21:19 PM
Ron, you are a genius!

(((Then - I realized the gal was just using internet babble ..... trying to come off as a "good girl" or actually a "good girl" that did not understand how a respectful guy would take that babble.

............... all that goes without saying. Just put yourself around respectful men ...... you will not need to be concerned about "friends first".

The same thing goes for "my kids come first" ............ that is another ............ well DUH ....... it goes without saying and 99% of the guys understand it)))

Swamphunter, you are not.
 da5thletr
Joined: 7/21/2008
Msg: 89
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 1:05:18 PM
Men that say that don't want to come off as rushing into a relationship or look desperate. Women that say it, try to deter the "one night stands" appearance. But it makes me question how many many "friends" the person has...
 funnyfireguy
Joined: 4/13/2006
Msg: 92
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What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:44:09 PM
I just sat and read this... and will have to put my two cents into it later.. but that my "friends" you will have to WAIT for.....LOL

My favorite lines though are

" you are a really great guy.....but...."

and of course after you have been in what you would consider a committed relationship and the other party ends it .... " we can still be friends"... LOL... more on this later.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 97
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/15/2008 12:41:14 AM
A potential boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is TOTALLY DIFFERENT than a male friend - female friend relationship (I know well duh).

The thing is ..... they are NEVER the same thing ever. Not at first - not in the middle - not in the end ......... NEVER the same thing.

The “friends first” ...... is a sex implication. It also looks like a early warning that SHE will control the relationship.

What guy (that is respectful - loves his mom - loves his dog - loves apple pie) wants HER RULES shoved in his face - BEFORE she even knows he exist?

A real two way match - happens pretty fast. The “friends first” tries to speak to “don’t expect fast sex”. In a real two way match - the sex WILL happen and it makes no difference AT ALL ...... when.

All of my relationships have been long-ish. Far far longer than average. From ...... well from pretty much instantly we both knew the sex could happen sooner or later.

First girlfriend - took me about three months to get her pants off. I keep cranking up the heat - cranking up the heat - cranking up the heat ..... finally.

Second girlfriend - took about two weeks - same cranking up the heat but ..... I think I was getting better at it lol.

Both of those two girls - came and picked me up when I got back from boot camp - we had a fun night (no sex) everyone still liked everyone.

Susie - me and Susie dry hunched for about 18 months .......... never did get her pants off - had rug burn for months lol. She finally moved out of the country for a big job. My point? ......... 18 months pants never came off ........ keep going back.

First wife - married 16 years ....... took about 2 months

Second wife - married 17 years ....... we had talked on the phone a couple of times - that was before the internet - never even seen a picture of each other - mutual friend suggested we maybe should meet. We screwed our brains out the first time we met. Still like the pOOp out of each other and always will.

My point ???

Friends First is NOT the thought wave going into a potential male/female (boyfriend/girlfriend) relationship ...... THEY ARE DIFFERENT from minute one.

Do you have to be friends for it to last ....... yes
Do you have to LIKE each other a bunch for it to last ........ yes
Do you have to have a hard time keeping your hands off of each other - for it to last ......... yes

Does it start from day one as friends ........... no (two way respect - yes - friends no)
 Jmarquiss
Joined: 9/12/2008
Msg: 103
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 12:07:54 AM
It means they want to have sex with you but don't plan on having a 'relationship' any time soon. They enjoy being single.
I agree with this statement totally at least when it is in a man's profile!
 Jmarquiss
Joined: 9/12/2008
Msg: 104
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 12:36:24 AM
Personally I like sex and really don't want to waste alot of time on a man that is no good in the sack.(Now by good in the sack I mean is he trying to be good. Most women would consider a man good as long as he is trying to be good in bed. Example if he doesn't last longer than 3 minutes does he still make sure that she is sattisfied before he goes to sleep?) No matter how nice he is, how wonderful he is, the truth is if he's no good in bed, it won't be long until I'm lookin elsewhere. Now if he is good in bed,and our pesonalities click, I'm keeping him. He aint' getting away. I'd rather know which one he is right away, so I can break it off if need be, before he has strong feelings for me, or I have to feel really bad about hurting a friend.
 Invictus01
Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 105
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 3:43:44 AM
Not sure what it means when it's said in the profile, but when a woman tells you this it means "Congrats! You are in the friends zone! Actually, with YOU, I'm gonna be friends first, second and third. I'm just too chicken to tell you this!"
 SmartSassyBBWinLA
Joined: 5/6/2006
Msg: 110
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What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 11:52:08 AM
Having lived long enough to have had plenty of casual meaningless sexual exploits I am now at a point in my life where I am not sleeping with anyone who isn't a "friend". Takes some "getting to know you" time--and some mutual respect and admiration. If a guy isn't up for that...then he is not my type of man.
 prissywild
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 114
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What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 2:47:07 PM
To me if you can't be friends first ..Then what have you got ? I personaly will not get involved with a man sexualy unless the friendship grows ..The only way the friendship can grow is though #1 contact on this dating service or others or chance meeting then #2 chats,e-mails or phone conversations ..#3 A FACE TO FACE MEETING OR DATE IF YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE AND YOU SHOULD BY THEN! then if the chemistry is not there you've made a friend ..if it is then possible in a few weeks, months let the sex come natural ....LOVE HAS TO DEVOLOPE THROUGH FRIENDSHIP .....
PRISSY WILD
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 122
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What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 5:14:52 PM
I think "friends first" means "I want to get to know you before I jump into bed with you." That's my take on it. Really, I think the concept of "friends" first is a mistake. I'm all for getting to know someone before becoming lovers. People could avoid a lot of unnecessary heartache if they'd take a little time to get to know someone before having sex with them. But I think the idea of developing a "friendship" is all wrong. I don't f*ck my friends. When I meet someone, they are either on potential boyfriend track or friend track. Having sex with a friend is almost like incest and a surefire way to screw up a friendship. It's an entirely different set of dynamics. I don't flirt with friends. I don't develop sexual tension with friends. Yes, I will develop a friendship with my lover over time, but that comes later.

It isn't just men that say it; women do, too. I'd prefer to say, "I want to get to know you before getting intimate."
 Invictus01
Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 125
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 5:57:24 PM


I don't think "friends first" is a viable option. Either you want romance with that person or you don't...

Willing to wait to get to know them? Sure... Think a "friend" will develop into a "lover"? No way.


What she said.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 131
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What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 9:22:53 PM

I think its sad if someone passes someone off just over one small thing on a profile such as friends first . but hey what do i know im here just like everyone else .


It seems to me that if they would just ask, instead of ASSUMING...or putting their own interpretations on it...it wouldn't be such an issue. Men and women think different...fact.

Or, maybe, when a large majority of women say this is what we mean...they just accepted that instead of arguing we are wrong?..lol..

On POF? Not likely...what fun is that?...lol...
 funnyfireguy
Joined: 4/13/2006
Msg: 132
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What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 10:33:09 PM
Well after my first post on this here topic... I see that there have been others that pretty much mimic my thoughts so i will try to keep it brief...

Though I am not opposed to making "friends" I am not on a "Dating" site to do such.
Call me Mr. Larry Littoral but when I think of a friend... I think of someone whom I have do not have an interest in dating. HENCE is why I come to a DATING site and throw a profile up.

I have a couple very close female friends whom I love dearly like family... but I would not sleep with them because I value the closeness we have and would not want to jeopardize that by "dating" them and some how finding out that we were better off as " just friends" did it once....and I refuse to allow it to happen again because I truly did lose a friend... we did agree on " just friends" in the end, but the dynamic of that friendship changed and we are no where near as close as we were before.

I know some who read the next line will take it way the wrong way.... soo... here it is...

I did not join a dating site to make "friends" as I have a lot of them already. I joined a dating site toadd another tool in the possibility of maybe finding a relationship. No I am not as extreme as some I have read from here. I do not just click off a profile and move to the next if I read "Friends first".

To me... it is simple...... because a dating friend has a completely different dynamic when compared to going out for dinner with "JUST a friend"

Might not make any sense to any of you reading it.. but it makes perfect sense in my head.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 139
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/18/2008 8:16:35 AM
Janet4ever for ........... President of this thread.

FINALLY a female that understands the difference.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 142
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What is friends first?
Posted: 9/18/2008 12:47:09 PM

It very well could, but then of course there would be no need for the "Hang Out" catagory under what your looking for either. :)

Confusion reins supreme.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.



Problem here is...not everyone means the same thing..but, I just don't get this insistence on forcing other people to adopt your interpretation ( general you, not personal you)...just ask what someone means..then you know? How hard is that?

I know that a lot of people , generally men, like things to be really clear and obvious...unfortunately, people aren't that simple...and women certainly aren't...most of the time they do mean what they say...they just aren't aware that someone else has a different meaning? I certainly always say what I mean , and mean what I say...but, people still misinterpret me..especially online...as risk/confusion free everyone having the exact same interpretations of all words and actions would be..just not realistic.

We are influenced by our thought processes and experiences...and we all don't interpret everything in the same manner..

Scorpio: I think I know how you long for crystal clear simplicity ( many men do...its more their way of thinking)...but, I don't know how you can practically make that happen..especially since most women aren't linear thinkers to begin with...if someone interests you otherwise...what is so hard about asking exactly what she means by that...then, if you don't like her interpretation...you can just move on? It is literally impossible to get a consensus on almost anything in male/female dynamics...

Seems to be tilting at windwills to think you can...
 bajabenedik
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 146
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/18/2008 2:15:39 PM
Susan,

My last few relationships I've had started out with attraction, romance, great sex, and passion. Things moved at a blinding speed. However, within a few months time, either I realized or my ex realized that we really didn't have much in common and had traits that both of us weren't willing to live with. So it would end like it started...fast and furous...lol. After being through a few of these whirlwind relationships, I think the "friends first and possibly more" might actually be a better way of starting a relationship. I'm finding that taking things slower, you really do get to know the other person first and you find whether you really would like to get to know the other person on a deeper level. You also find out if you are compatible and your senses of humor mesh. It certainly keeps my head from spinning and allows me the extra room to evaluate how things are going as opposed to reacting and keeping my sanity.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 147
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What is friends first?
Posted: 9/18/2008 2:21:42 PM
You could find out the answer on the other 400 million threads just like this. OR did you read them and still confused?
 trish7
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 163
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Friends First / Revisited
Posted: 9/21/2008 4:16:42 PM
Friends first is just that. How that translates into being labeled an asexual or fearful or I don't need a man/woman is ridiculous. Friendship is the scaffolding of ANY relationship. I don't know about anyone else but a solid foundation builds my house!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 171
Friends First / Revisited
Posted: 10/8/2008 9:10:09 AM

but a deep friendship NEVER becomes a romantic relationship for me.

Dude, I'm sorry to hear that. The interplay of romance and friendship is what makes relationships that last for years and survive adversity. Ideally, the friendship and the romance develop at about the same pace. Of course perhaps you are not looking for a true "significant other" partnership,in which case your comment would make sense. You are looking for a reliable source of sexual gratification, and if you have experienced a longterm deprivation in that respect, your policy makes sense for YOU, but it's not a universal relationship truth.
Cindy O
 dancetoday
Joined: 12/5/2007
Msg: 173
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What is friends first?
Posted: 10/8/2008 7:45:36 PM
[ I don't know if men are protecting their hearts or not. I think that they might be saying that for us women, so we know that they are not just trying to just get you into bed.

And usually men who use that line are doing EXACTLY that...
For a relationship to be highly functional, of course the 2 people have to be friends, respect each other,etc...but I think the friendship and the male/ female chemistry have to develop at about the same pace. If you let either component get too far ahead of the other one, you risk winding up an" I love you but I don't like you" or a"you have SO become my 'best friend'that having sex with you feels weird"scenario.

Cindy O]

Yes, I agree with you Cindy. You can't put an artificial boundary around it and say "For X number of weeks we will be friends first. Then we can become lovers." Well, I suppose some people do but to me that is just another game. If it feels like you are friends, that is probably what it is meant to be and there is no chemistry. If it feels like you want to be lovers but you want to get to know the person more first, that's fine. You don't have to jump right in the first date. But to say you will always just be friends first is not natural, from my perspective. I once surveyed my girlfriends and asked them if they thought chemistry was something that you knew was either there or not there right away or if it could develop as you got to know someone. There was a wide range of responses. So what is right for one person, isn't necessarily right for another, as in most aspects of life.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 174
Friends First / Revisited
Posted: 10/8/2008 9:18:50 PM

The problem with "friends first" is that it isn't developing sex and friendship at about the same pace. It's emphasizing one side to the exclusion of the other, as if, becoming friends automatically leads to sex, when the reality is quite the opposite.

No, that's not always the case. And for anyone who's obtained a mature age, or anyone who SINCERELY wants to have ONE partner until death does them part, the relationship had better have a damn strong friendship component. What happens to a relationship if sex is the complete foundation and a medical situation takes sex off the table? In a relationship that wants to have a home and children, there may be times in the progression where sex gets moved pretty far down the priority list. Unless that friendship component is STRONGER than the sex component, in either of those scenarios, you have a relationship that's in trouble.
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 177
Friends First
Posted: 10/9/2008 11:26:57 AM

there are some people have pictures with their opposite sex friends identified as the best friends. As so-called the best friends, they should be not only friends but also have romances, shouldn't they?

No, not necessarily. I have several dear male friends with whom I would not be even REMOTELY interested in having a romance with.
OTOH, there have also been men in my life with whom I was having sex/romantic involvement with, but when it got down to brass tacks, I could not call them 'friend'. Therefore the romance never progressed to a full fledged relationship.
I still maintain the opinion, that a relationship founded with friendship as the keystone,and sex as a very strong and important component, has the best chance of truly lasting for life. A strong foundation of friendship is what makes a little old lady, or little old man, for that matter, break their ASS to care for a partner with a disabling illness,instead of sticking them in a facility.
So yeah, "friends first", the way I interpret it, makes great sense. Of course one has to encourage the sexual/romantic aspects as well, if the intent is a life partner type of relationship. But IF the spark is there,the thing usually sorts itself out just fine.
The "bad" usage of friends first is to stick with someone because they are a good friend ,but the sex is an "obligation" on has to get through. The other "bad" usage of the 'friends first' is as a smokescreen for "hit it and quit it" intent.
I'm not for a moment suggesting that one stay in a relationship where there's a good friendship but the sexual compatibility is marginal, that's a bad idea, too.
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 179
What is friends first?
Posted: 10/9/2008 2:27:14 PM
lookinatit
No, I don't think you did. But there are other posters here who have different interpretations and see "friends first" as code for "You ain't gettin' any, dude."
But that's what makes life interesting, I guess.
Cindy O
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