Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Am I a door mat?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 lil red corvette
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 43
view profile
History
Am I a door mat?Page 4 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Do too much for a man + make it too easy = men usually walk

Men need a challenge... you need to keep us on our toes...

When men are too comfortable in a relationship they get bored and usually
wander off like a puppy looking for a new toy.

Your intentions were good but you probably went over the top in helping out.

His loss... go find a guy who will do for you as well....

There are some of us out there :)

Good luck
 MIBII
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 44
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/14/2008 8:48:48 AM
well to tell you the truth, I think sometimes ppl dont appreciate someone till the well runs dry so the saying goes. Reading your response I hope it doesnt intrude on your next relationship which may very well be the one your looking for. For a realtionship to work properly, in my humble opinion takes love, trust, and communication. Without those important ingredients, no relationship will function be it a friendship, spouse, or otherwise. You have been taken for granted as I have and Im sure so many others have. I was in a marriage for 10 years in a similar situation, now divorced for 6 years. All I can tell you is to look back and realize that your not someone who should be taken for granted. Especially when you put your heart into it. I m sure it hurts like hell, but in time you'll find out your better without that loser attached to you. Learn from this and better yourself. Take care friend and good wishes to you and your endevers.

"If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything"

Pauley
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 45
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/14/2008 9:38:24 AM

Why did he let me do all those thing's for so long if he really didn't want me?


What's funny as I met a gal like this along time ago and she could not do enough for me.
It was quite overwhelming at times and nice but I new it wasn't right!
I was just divorced and in transitional mode in getting back on my feet and we all know how hard that can be and time to heal and move on.
I was very honest with her from the get go and was not ready for a LTR as I was still in limbo and working to get back on track first with my life. It was nice she was there for me but to love from me I could not do.
I did respect her as a person but eventually had to break it off and wished her well. It was a very hard thing for me to do yet I have to be honest with her and myself. IMO,when you look in the mirror and in a relationship and you know it's not right, why play with another's heart,with false hopes and expectations.
She or he may not know it,but you do....
 tomboy87
Joined: 6/13/2008
Msg: 46
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/14/2008 10:00:54 AM
I have the same question, I just got out of a relationship with a guy I met on here, and I believed him to be my soulmate, little did I know how wrong I could be, while I still believe a lot of his qualities were exactly what I want, I know now the jeckel vs. hyde syndrome. let me explain he had a mental illness depression for sure, suicidal tendencies and thoughts and possible schizophrenia or bipolar, but I certainly didn't know all of this when we started the relationship, I gave him everything, I liked taking care of him and trying to help him I knew I couldn't change him or "fix" him but I was always supportive and I stopped him from committing suicide several times, when it was pretty bad...I guess I should have known better but I loved him so much...and he loved me he adored everything about me physically emotionally and we could talk for hours ...I just keep wondering what went so wrong and the answer keeps coming back with his emotional problems but after continually holding on and pushing me away all several times in a day, I was a wreck and still am, I want to believe in love, but how can I when guys like this exist? so much a part of him was the mental illness, same with why we broke up...I just feel so broken, and confused now HE's the one that won't talk to me and is pissed off, for god knows what reason, and frankly I'm sick of trying to figure him out when he hurt and hurts me so much, how can he care about me if he's being so mean, and hurtful? or is that just the other side of him...all my friends keep telling me I need to move on and get over him and somehow hearing that just doesn't help, it just hurts more because BELIEVE ME I don't want to be thinking about him anymore, or hurting from him anymore I don't seek him out, we don't talk at all, etc. and still I just feel dead inside. any advice would be greatly appreciated
 jus dave
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 47
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/14/2008 10:23:30 AM
tomboy- you have 2 pages of advice preceding your question...pick the ones that feel right to you.

if your situation is the same as the op- well...there you have what has been given.

good luck

dave
 cindy-estancia
Joined: 2/16/2008
Msg: 48
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/15/2008 1:55:59 AM
it has to stop somewhere.... you have to wake up one day and ask if this is what you really want when you become older.like when you have a silver hair.I became a fool for love too..its something that happens naturally when you are in love.its not practicality,its not even sanity but thats how love drives me sometimes..like crazy,anything I would do for love.but thinking about the importance of my kids,how they need someone who is reliable I woke up.been a fool for a couple of times too.
 candlelight and roses
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 49
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/15/2008 2:26:33 AM
his loss Angelfire, you sound like you have a great personality and a lot of loving to give.
 Remington55
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 50
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/15/2008 4:09:46 AM
No you are NOT a DOORMAT...

If you categorized everyone that you ever meet into three categories, you will understand the insights & wisdom of the attached article...
_________________________________________________________
Are you a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFETIME

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON. Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life.
_________________________________________________________

So I would say that you've helped someone & now your work is done, they have taken a stand & now you must move on... There are plenty of fish, a person with similar qualities to which you are looking for may be just waiting for you around the corner, or reading this forum, or at the gas station, or just falling in love with your smile. You'll give him a chance, won't you? They say that when one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. And giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.

Do not be dwelling on the negative aspects of this relationship, for you will soon find that things are never so bad they can't be made worse. It's a matter of choices...

**~Remington55~**
 Twigy6493
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 51
view profile
History
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/15/2008 4:19:12 AM
I have been see someone for about 3 years. We have had our breakups last was month then he came over we talked and started hanging again.He comes here or calls me everyday.I know he has dated others..Says he doesnt want to ever marry again has had 2 bad relationships before me.I think he is scared that he will get hurt again. You know gets close, gets scared then backs off.I COULD be wrong!! He is very busy person abut took time out to be with me during surgery. AM i door mat!!!
 cutetpie62
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 52
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/15/2008 6:09:34 AM
Hi angel- I'm living this right now too. I unfortunately feel your pain. You haven't been a doormat.. you've been you - loving caring and generous.

focus that positive energy into healing!
 catman50
Joined: 9/9/2008
Msg: 53
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/15/2008 6:16:48 AM
anglefire , I think the same thing . I treat woman nice on #1 and no date #2 . all tehy say is " your nice guy but I want more . " MORE what is that . you want a guy who treats you like crap ? YOU don't someone on date #1 .
 stldj
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 54
view profile
History
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/15/2008 6:19:20 AM
Eh some guys (and girls..) will use you until they have no further use for you/found someone they actually like...fully knowing they don't really plan on staying with you. I've had it happen to me. I can't say his motivation (whether it was another girl or what), but you should be careful in these situations.

I'm sorry for your lsos :(
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 55
view profile
History
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/15/2008 6:59:37 AM
OP, you might not have quite grasped the situation. Love is NOT doing what the other person wants. Love is NOT doing what makes the other person happy. Love is DOING WHAT THE OTHER PERSON NEEDS.

If this guy was simply in need of some emotional support and time to sort himself out, you gave it to him. The reality is that HE GOT HIMSELF INTO THIS SITUATION, BECAUSE HE WASN'T TOUGH ON HIS EMPLOYERS TO DEMAND WHAT HE DESERVED! He needed YOU to BE TOUGH ON HIM!

He needed tough love. He needed to be shown that he was being a cry-baby, and needed to stand up to the people in his professional life. He needed a kick up the bum, to get himself to stop feeling sorry for himself, and get on with what he knew he needed to do anyway, but didn't have the gumption to do.

You gave him the opposite. So he stayed in his mire, until he pulled himself out slowly. Once he did, he didn't respect you for not doing what he needed. He didn't respect you for letting him walk all over you, the same way he let his employer walk all over him. He couldn't be with you, because being with a door mat reminded him of how much of a door mat he is to his employer, and he wants to forget that feeling.

You need to realise that your love is precious. Give, by all means, but don't waste it. Your loving gifts should be for when it matters, such as when he's been working all day and is exhausted, and needs a warm, cooked dinner. If your b/f wants a beer, and he can get it for himself, then he should get it.

Let's be clear: I am NOT saying you should be his cook, cleaner, or in any way, at his beck and call. But love your man when he NEEDS your help the most. Save it for then. When he can do it for himself, and you do it for him, you are taking it away from the times he really WILL need you the most.

This guy was just down on his luck, and you gave and gave, even when he didn't need it.

I know it is very, very hard to cultivate an attitude of only doing what is GOOD for your partner, and not doing whatever will make him happy, because that means that sometimes he wil be upset with you, and will act like he doesn't love you. You have to look at his inner heart, not his outward appearance. If he loves you in his heart, then he wants you to be very hard on him, when it is best for him, because that is the best thing you can do for him. He ONLY wants you to give to him when he really needs it, and that is NOT VERY OFTEN, maybe 30 minutes a day at most. The rest of the time, he wants you to find ways to give him opportunities and incentives to express his love for you, because a man's innermost desire is to treat his woman like a queen, and his children like princes and princesses. It is only fear that makes men weak and abusive. DO NOT ALLOW YOUR MAN TO GIVE INTO HIS FEAR! IT WILL BE HIS UNDOING!

Be the best. Give your man hard love, as well as soft love.

Speaking from a doormat on the road to recovery.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 56
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/15/2008 1:49:31 PM
People’s needs change.

I now have a PHD in “People’s needs change”. It took me seventeen years to get that PHD but ......... I got it now.

Often when someone meets someone and that someone has something that the other one needs ...... a “match” of needs/has is made. They use the rationalization (sometimes) that the person is actually a match - when it is really only a “needed at that point in time” match.

When the person no longer needs what they needed (in my case her kids got grown) ........ they are gone.

Door Mat ....... maybe but ...... their needs changed. They no longer need what you had/have.
 outlawtomboy
Joined: 12/19/2007
Msg: 57
view profile
History
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/15/2008 6:11:21 PM
no, op, that's not the way it's supposed to be. the solution is to pick up your mat and walk away at the first hint of things being one sided

even steven is the only way to go
 androgynousvon
Joined: 7/5/2008
Msg: 58
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/15/2008 10:41:49 PM
OP,
You're not a door mat...you're just a nice person and one who tries in a sincere way. Unfortunately, some people misconstrue nicness, decency and sincerity as being a door mat. Given that sad reality, yeah, you should be a little firmer and more limit-setting with people (seriously)...also, try not to let it make you jaded. There's never anything wrong with decency...it's a wonderful virtue...in the future, just make sure if someone isn't reciprocating your efforts that you set limits and that doesn't work, you just have to pull out. Sorry that happened to you. Best wishes, Hun.:)
 xboxfunguy
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 59
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/15/2008 10:55:58 PM
The real question is why didn't it work. Everything you did would earn you title as a wife with any guy that wants things to work. It's tough to find a good women, so don't change and stay true to who you are. If you don't, you will miss your chance with the guy you should be with.
 ~AShootingStar~
Joined: 8/17/2008
Msg: 60
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/15/2008 10:59:02 PM
lst of all ya don't do good for another to get something back!
Ya do it ,cause it is in you to be that way.
Did you want him to be good to you, because you were good to him?
Did you do all thisfor him to gain his affections?
Are you aware that the said statement you made, was a familiar co-dependant
one 'I can change you'
when before the finale' of this relationship did you already anticipate the end?
But continued moreso to please to gain back his initial fabricated affections!
This man used you to get over his rought spots, and just as tiger cannot
change their stripes..............................................................................

neither can men like this..............

kindness is one thing,,,,,,catering too.........is another.
 James_in_SD
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 61
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/16/2008 2:17:52 AM

Why did he let me do all those things for so long if he really didn't want me?

Have you ever found a parking meter with time left on it?
 vrb1955
Joined: 3/26/2006
Msg: 62
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/16/2008 4:45:56 AM
OP Gee now where have I heard this story before???

Oh yeah I lived it !

Why do we woman feel the need to support the losers in life without any regard of how much they pull us down in the end? Oh yeah they are master of using women. They have that charming appeal we just can't help loving

OP ..lesson learned now move on

Only this time seek someone that is the complete and total opposite of this loser
 MaryAnn Singleton
Joined: 6/6/2008
Msg: 63
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/16/2008 5:11:10 PM
I think calling yourself a doormat is a little harsh. If that was your pattern, if you let ALL of your boyfriends treat you badly, then yeah, the doormat description would be more appropriate. But it sounds like you were like that with THIS guy.

As for the on-sided thing - it's never a good idea to be in a one sided relationship - sooner or later things are going to fall apart.

Funny thing though. I think that most women fall into this trap sooner or later. You meet someone and there's something about him that just screws up your rational thought process. Fortunately the rose coloured glasses tend to come off sooner or later.
 shirl38
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 64
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/18/2008 3:18:45 AM
BB, are you me? i had the same thing happen to me........
we must move on, it has been 6 months for me. I HAVE LEARNED THESE TYPE OF PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.
i am glad to have joined POF, it is fun it has helped me.
and you know you cannot fix people, I am who I am, only better :)
BE STRONG, BE COURAGEOUS
DO NOT BE TERRIFIED, DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED
GOD WILL WATCH OVER YOU
Shirl


 jus dave
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 65
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/18/2008 7:17:41 AM
^^^ but be verrrry wary...last i heard god was a man... utt oh.

dave
 James_in_SD
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 66
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/18/2008 8:20:14 AM

last i heard god was a man

Of course he is. Why do you think we say "Amen" instead of "A-women", and sing hymns instead of hers?
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 67
view profile
History
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/18/2008 12:57:38 PM
The door swings "both" ways for all of us, and the only reason that anyone would be a "door mat", would be because they allowed it to happen.....

OT.......Many of us work very hard at being kind and considerate, but also know when being taken advantage of, for how long, and for how much, and once there, know also to stop it before it becomes abusive....

Love can be the aphrodisiac that beckons you in, but the mind is what will show you the path to success, or the way out.....not the heart.

Just my opinion.......
Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Am I a door mat?