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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > opinions needed please      Home login  
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 1
opinions needed pleasePage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Ok, for the past year i've been talking to this woman online, who live about 8 hrs from me. We really hit it off from the start, and talked almost daily up into the fall, unfortunately our schedules didn't (and haven't) allowed us to meet. Of course the conversations turned serious, as they often do. Things seemed to be going quite well, then I lost contact for a week or two, and finally got an email saying that she has been offered a promotion at work to manager, and seeing that her goals were the same as the owners, she was going to pursue that, and would not be able to relocate anytime in the near future, so she wanted to back things off.
I wished her the best and continued on my way.

Fast forward 6 weeks or so, I happened to see her on IM and she said she was going to email me, she had been doing some thinking and had realized she made a big mistake, and wanted to try again, if I was willing. She said that she has allowed work to come between her and happiness all too often, and also that things were going almost too good, and she got spooked. She does have a bit of a commitment issue, having been divorced about a year prior.

So things went along fine for awhile, still had a very good connection, and would talk for hours..... then poof, didn't hear from her.

Several weeks passed, and then I ran into her on IM again, around the first of May She apologized for disappearing, said she got spooked yet again and at the same time her boss came up with a plan to open a store, and offered her part ownership if she'd run it. Of course she said she felt just awful for the way things transpired, and admitted being a total ass.
Again, I wished her the best, and pressed through with life.

First part of Aug. I happened to send her an offline "how ya doin?" for whatever reason, and low and behold she was on, invisible I guess. We started chatting, she said that she had missed me, thought of me often etc. etc. The store is progressing, hopefully open in Oct.
In either case, the connection is still there, and after some discussion,we decided to continue talking, knowing the issues are still there, and to see what happens.

I suppose you could say that things between us have gone even further this time feeling wise. She says she loves me, even though we've never met, and the only thing keeping her there is the store, which to her represents an opportunity for the future, and some independence. She has always worked in the agriculture industry,and those jobs are pretty "iffy" and hand to mouth, even tho you may love what you do.

Now for myself; I find that I'm very attached to her, and would love to get something going, but there seems to be so many road blocks. Even finding time to meet hasn't happened yet. (on her part)

So am I completely nuts for even bothering with this? Of course reading this leads me to believe I am, it sounds just crazy. I suppose if I can keep the thing in perspective, I'm not out much seeing what happens, since I don't have anyone else interested in me at all.
What's your take on all this?
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 2
opinions needed please
Posted: 9/15/2008 5:36:40 PM
Unless you can move to be with her, you are wasting your time.
Cus her job is keeping her from moving to be with you.
And can't blame her. The Girl has gotta eat to.

Not saying you have to upend your life for someone you haven't met either.
That would be nuts.
Just in the back of your mind, if neither of you can move to be with each other,
it's a fling at best.

Long distance things often end up that way.
But the distraction of them makes us forget that we're single.

Good Luck.
Joined: 2/17/2008
Msg: 4
view profile
opinions needed please
Posted: 9/15/2008 5:47:44 PM
You've waited a year. It's long past time for you to both make time instead of excuses. Pick a weekend, or find a couple weekdays for you to both take off from work, and figure this thing out.

Sounds to me like she is using her work as an excuse. Does she work 24/7? If not, then she has time to see someone she's talked to for a year and let the conversation turn "serious."

She lives 8 hours away, which means it would be ~4 hours if you meet in the middle. That would require ONE DAY. Can she not get one solitary day off?
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 5
view profile
opinions needed please
Posted: 9/15/2008 6:05:57 PM
Hmmmm,,,,,,,,,," she said she has allowed work to come between her and happiness all too often" "of course she felt just awful about the way things transpired and admitted being a total ass" "the only thing keeping there is the store" "even finding time to meet (on her part) hasnt happened" OP,,,,,,just exactly how many ways does this woman have to tell you that YOU DON'T RATE VERY HIGH in her game plan??? Tigers dont change their stripes. Some else suggested to U,,,,,,,,,tell her you are coming to see her, then go. If after seeing her and realizing that it was all fantasy, then run, run , run away anyway unless you want to be a victim for the rest of your life. Are you completely nuts for even bothering with this???? YES
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 6
opinions needed please
Posted: 9/15/2008 6:24:01 PM
Thanks guys, I appreciate all the input, and intend to continue to ponder it all. Just for the record, I do believe what she says about her schedule, she really does put in a ton of hours, at least 6 days a week. As far as a background check, well, she works part time as a deputy sherrif, if that means anything. As far as my moving for someone, I did that 5 years ago, thats how I come to be in Missouri. I've established myself here and have quite alot invested that i'd never recoop if I sold out. Something does need to happen tho, and soon. Please keep the input coming....
Joined: 8/12/2008
Msg: 7
opinions needed please
Posted: 9/15/2008 6:57:47 PM
You have been talking seriously for a year and have never met? Seriously? And you have been talking some kind of serious relationship?

I think you need to go lay down on that uncomfortable little couch and tell us about your childhood...
Joined: 12/19/2007
Msg: 8
opinions needed please
Posted: 9/15/2008 8:08:49 PM
all we know of an on line friend is what they tell us about themselves. i understand that it can become very believable over a period of months

many people who really want to meet will find a way to do it. the reasons to meet will far out weigh the reasons not to meet if they BOTH really want to see each other

you aren't completely nuts. you sound like a good and sincere man. could it be that it appears no one else is interested in you because your focus has been on her for so long? there are a lot of women who would jump at the chance to meet a good and sincere man such as yourself. just branch out a little, and give them half the chance that you've given this one!

good luck and my best wishes,

Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 9
opinions needed please
Posted: 9/15/2008 8:28:04 PM
Well, I took some of your advise, and when I spoke with her tonite I mentioned coming up sometime over the next few weeks. Her response was that things were getting crazier by the day, what with the store to open next month, and bear with her, that we would get together asap. Of course I sounded her out regarding just taking at least her day off, and I was told that she'd most likely even work sunday.
'nuf said.
I guess I'll just take a step back and see what, if anything, does happen. In doing so I really won't be out anything, and if nothing works in the forseeable future, i'll just fade away myself......

Thanks for the advise.......
Joined: 6/23/2008
Msg: 10
opinions needed please
Posted: 9/15/2008 9:30:22 PM
Nothing counts until its done or said in person.

Letting yourself get too wrapped up with someone just in IM, or emails, is doing yourself a diservice,
If she cant meet, she doesnt want too.

Block her, move on.

Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 11
opinions needed please
Posted: 9/16/2008 4:05:06 AM

These kinds of women never grow up. They never take the action necessary to keep relatives, work or other things from coming between them and their happiness. It isn't just women either; there are plenty of men that have the same problem

This was actually mentioned to me by one of her friends form the dating site where we initially met. They thought she was afraid of happiness.
What's sad to me is the perceived "connection", we can literally talk for hours, something that is rare for me.
During the times that we weren't in contact, I did make an honest try at finding someone locally and had given up on her. Unfortunatly, I wasn't the one of those women. When we spoke last nite and she told me that things were too crazy to get together I got pretty quiet, trying to digest the ramifications of that, and I was remembering what you folks were saying..... she asked a couple of times what was on my mind, but I chose to redirect the conversation. It will be interesting to see if she initiates anything today, as I'm sure she knew that what she said bothered me. I'll keep you posted, lol.
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 12
opinions needed please
Posted: 9/16/2008 3:11:49 PM

As quoted from exiss: "she asked a couple of times what was on my mind, but I chose to redirect the conversation."

You didn't take the bull by the horns there bud! That was your golden opportunity to lay it all on the line - but you chose to..............redirect the conversation????????

Sounds to me like you enjoy the game of cat n mouse as much as she does. Beginning to think you both deserve each other. One likes to play games and the other is the willing toy

I didn't press the issue because it was obvious she knew what was bothering me. At the time I was somewhat taken aback, and didn't want to say something that couldn't be unsaid. I don't like games what-so-ever, so that can be put to rest.
Obviously, I can't relate each and every conversation we have, but we are both aware of the issues, did from the start. But, as time goes by they do seem to loom larger, and after awhile become more excentuated by not being able to move forward, which I guess is a natural reaction.
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 13
opinions needed please
Posted: 9/16/2008 3:14:43 PM

"Don't make someone your priority when they make you their option"

Thanks man, i'd forgotten about that one obviously.
Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 14
opinions needed please
Posted: 9/16/2008 7:44:19 PM
How do people go for longer than a week or two of comminicating via email without meeting in person?
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 15
opinions needed please
Posted: 9/16/2008 8:05:55 PM
Ok I waded through all that but keeping my response short and sweet.

You appear to be a real nice man.
Do yourself this favor and her also...

Set the date.
Get yourself a ticket whatever you need and get to where she is.
Spend a couple days. No more than 2 she needs her space. Don't crowd but be firm. You're coming and here's the plan.

Book your hotel room.
Make dinner arrangements.
Meet her at the restaurant.

Then decide.

IF - she fails to arrive at the restaurant, delays this meeting, or makes ANY further stalls or disappearring acts then I'm telling you - STOP all communicating. No offline IM-ing, no emails, nothing,

She's playing you.
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 16
opinions needed please
Posted: 10/11/2008 1:05:18 PM
Just an update for those kind enough to reply and perhaps wondering what happened, I was intending to have a talk with her about things, never did happen tho. I think the 24th of sept. was the last time we spoke.
Her text messages got more infrequent, and any romantic content dropped off completely. If I said anything of a romantic nature, it wouldn't get a reply. Phone call went unanswered. then no text replies at all.
I did get a fairly detailed one a couple of weeks ago about what she's been doing, then she just up and disappeared...... of course, that is her M.O.
Thanks for all the advise, guess the problem took care of itself, lol.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > opinions needed please