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Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 5
Affair with a married co-worker.Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
forget the morals, forget everything else.

It all boils down to one thing:

how is this gonna f#ck up your job? You didn't mention a thing about it. THAT is far more important, unless you plan on leaving it before she leaves you. YOU KNOW, don't you, that this is gonna make things at work real uncomfortable, don't you?

The relationship will end, she'll go bang someone else, and you have to be professional around her. Can you handle that? Can she? Can her husband, who will apparently know where to find you, should he want to screw with your income?
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 17
Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/17/2008 9:10:33 PM
Well Bing, go ahead - have an affair with your married friend. Just remember when you are married, that should your wife cheat that it's perfectly ok. No harm done. Yeah, right...

Edit: What people are trying to tell you is that the easy way is not always the best way and that it will come back to bite you in the long run.
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 20
Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/17/2008 9:20:27 PM
"And if I was ever with someone who cheated, I'd be done with them, period. No second chances, nothing. I'm not defending cheating. "

Then don't be a hypocrite by having an affair with a married woman. Wrong is wrong. You're only hurting yourself even entertaining the idea.
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 22
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Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/17/2008 9:37:33 PM

she doesn't love her husband anymore and is just waiting until the kids get a little older to leave him.

I've heard that lame line many time's. I have also read much on the subject when I dated a divorcee and had some friends go through this. It's rarely good for the children to stay in a bad marriage. If she's having many affairs then she's just a tramp and I'm sure things at home aren't so easy to mask from the children hence teaching them the wrong things about relationships and family.

Sorry, you just seem to be smitten by a seasoned pro. I have to respect the fact that you aren't going to go this route with her but be strong if she sets her sights on you. She will use every trick in the tramp handbook to get what she wants especially if you turn her down.
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 23
Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/17/2008 9:45:04 PM
OMG young man .......

Do you have any idea what a 30 year old - hot to trot - multi flings gal would do to you.

You would be like a little sad puppy dog after she gets done with you.

Cheating sex is about the hottest sex there is ....... her having tons of experience - she will make you think you are King Kong (even if you are horrible in bed).

None of the gals your age will EVER measure up to that sex.

Sure .... it would be great for about an hour until the down side. There would be a downside a huge one.

How about when she screws her boss next ?

Besides do you really want part of a cheater's bullchit?

If you do ...... always remember that when YOUR WIFE boinks her boss (or some co-worker or any guy) 15 years from now.
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 25
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Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/17/2008 10:10:54 PM
U are 21!!!! Sheesh... Don't do it.. it is bad all the way around.. first of all never have an affair with a co-worker.. at the very least you could get fired for something like that..

Plus.. you don't know the hubby could come after you with a gun... and of course.. she wants a new daddy for kiddies probably... sheesh..

Don't do it..

I just read your last post.. good idea to pass on this.. and btw... 2 adulterous affairs in 2 years is a lot!!! ok??? Esp. for someone her age with little kids.. she has got serious problems.. and you get involved with her.. no telling what would have happened. Bad karma all the way around.

In 5 years you will look back on this and be soooooo glad you didn't take the bait.. go out and find you a nice single girl who is on birth control and have a nice life!!!
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 29
Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/17/2008 11:18:18 PM
Sure right now you say you aren't going to do this, but you keep making excuses for her behavior and for yourself. To keep making statements like the following shows you are still not getting "it":

"And no, at my job, I couldn't get fired for that, lol, and even if I was, not a great loss, as I already said."

People that keep making excuses tend to waiver and change their minds. You are the one that was wondering if she is going to cheat anyway, why not with you. These people care enough to try to make you understand why this is a bad thing so that you will not waiver. They are trying to save you from hurting yourself just as much as hurting anyone else.

Whether you like it or not if you were to have an affair with a married person and still think you would have the right to be upset should you be cheated on you would be a hypocrite (this would not give your spouse the "right" to cheat on you). This isn't rocket science.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 34
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Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 12:56:01 AM
Bing, one of the things I have always respected about you is your moral compass. You are trying to justify something you know is wrong because you really like this woman but forbidden fruit is forbidden not matter how much you try to dress it up.

The fact that she has done this before and apparently has not been caught does not matter. She chooses to remain in the marriage and she should find happiness without having extra-marital affairs. She does not remain because she is being abused or is afraid or cannot support herself, she is too lazy to leave and uses her children as an excuse to stay for the comfortable environment of two incomes and a second set of hands raising the children, period.

Most of the regrets we have are those things we don't do but sometimes those regrets revolve around our inability to turn back the clock and change what we have done. If you sleep with this woman, you are no better than any person who decides to cheat. And really, why don't you have a problem with this? She is not someone that has cheated once, realizes it is wrong and has stopped, she just keeps doing it over and over again. Would you be cool with her knocking off convenience stores?

This is not a situation in which you didn't know she was married and were duped into participating, you know going in that you are engaging in something that would be devastating to her husband and children if found out and even if not, hurts those children. Do you think those kids don't realize that their parents are different than other people? She should hightail her azz to marriage counseling instead of continuing to troll the work environment for a piece.

I haven't read all of the reposts but I have read those on page two so I am happy that you have shored up your moral fiber but remember, the important thing is not how this chick would think about you if the whole thing blew up in your face, but rather how you would think of yourself if you ever crossed that line. The situation you describe is not a marriage that cannot be fixed, if you really care about this woman, recommend that she read a book called Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch which would help her discover why she is really cheating rather than the bullshit excuses she has offered up and might actually motivate her to make her marriage healthy again which is really the right thing to do for the children.
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 42
Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 4:57:07 AM

Though I don't really support cheating, she's going to do it regardless and I really like her. Thoughts on this? I don't think I'm going to touch it, but I'm definitely intrigued,

Ok - have a son your age.
Been a woman her age...

So, I can understand all the (FEELINGS) that are happening here, and come on...everybody's human and a sinner.

But, son
don't go here.

If you want to be a man who doesn't shake his head and look back with regrets and wonder "how the f&^% did I get here?" do NOT do this.

1. She's got a husband.
2. He's a man - just the same as you.
3. If it was your wife, your woman and you had children with her - how would YOU feel.

I know you're young, I know it's flirting. I know all the facts and feelings floating around...

Be smart.
Get the hell away from her, and tell her to stay the hell away from you.

It's the safest and smartest choice. an idiot. God knows we have enough of those around...
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 46
view profile
Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 6:46:59 AM
You don't condone or support cheating and yet you are considering doing it because it would somehow put you on the fast track to better self-esteem and making it easier to deal with women later? And what is the point, you are using her then as much as she is using you because you would never want a relationship with her.

A hypocrite? I don't see how. I fully support her husband being done with her, they should be done already frankly, they're an awful fit and a prime example of why people shouldn't get married at 19-20.
So you are kewl for potentially being the catalyst for this train wreck if her husband discovers the affair, which could easily happen when she decides she wants him to know so instead of a relatively amicable mutually desired break-up you are going to put the kids through, no matter their age, dealing with the knowledge that their mother had an affair. Sweetie, just a little too much justification for what you want and not enough about what is right and wrong.

Had a chance to look at the reposts on the first page and you said no one had said anything that would really dissuade you, etc. You also said that you feel like you need to be more assertive in going after something you want. But it should matter that you shouldn't want this even though you do.

When I was around your age and married, I met a guy at work. I was very attracted to him and I am sure we would have dated, had a fling, whatever if I had been single. I felt horrible, mortified, for a while, that I could actually love my husband and still have feelings and sexual attraction for someone else. What I figured out obviously was that attraction sometimes occurs with the wrong people and what makes a difference is whether we act on things.

Now, you may think her husband is not worth much and that he has not worked to make the marriage any better but the bottom line is that if you were the married guy, even if you didn't love your wife, which he now says he still does, would you want the wife cheating on you? This is the bottom line with moral dilemmas, how would you want yourself or someone you love treated?

You said you could wait because you think the marriage will be over in a year, then wait and if it isn't over in a year, you are moving on to something else anyway with graduation and a career. We all feel comfortable talking to folks that are off-limits and you are correct that this is why you two are so close. If you really appreciate her friendship you need to recognize that that too will change even if you remain friends and it sounds like you two need a good friend more than either of you need a lover.
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 50
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Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 7:31:50 AM
OP, I know you've said you won't do it, however I don't believe you because you've busily constructed rationalizations to explain away all the good points people have made.

Let's re-examine a few:

It wouldn't effect the job at all.

Yes, it would. The word, btw, is 'affect'. Your saying it won't happen doesn't make it so.

As for losing respect for myself... I think I'd actually gain some, lol.

Actually, you wouldn't. That's the thing about being so young - you think you know yourself so well that you can make these decisions easily. However, you still have a lot to learn about your own self, particularly where emotions are involved. You are in total denial about whether or not these people will find out. Maybe she pulled it off before but nothing says she will manage it again. Surely you don't want to be the sort of person who makes a man and some children unhappy.

Getting up the nerve to go after something I want would probably help me more than regret about having done this would hurt me.

Not really. All it will mean is that you're so selfish that you go after 'what you want' even when it's not free for you to go after. Let's translate this philosophy to money, homes, cars - ought you just take them because you want them? Even if your neighbour hates his car, does that mean it's ok for you to take it?

One of the tasks of becoming a mature adult is learning to make peace with the fact that you can't always have what you want. Principle means that you stand by your beliefs even when it is hard, even against your own desires. You grow strong in doing that - and that's how you develop self-respect.

I know for a fact that she has no feelings for him anymore and wants a divorce but won't do it until the kids are grown

Doesn't matter. He still has feelings for her. Which means you'd be party to causing pain to another man. How would you feel in his place? What would you think of the man who did that to you? IMHO, you don't damage your fellow humans. I won't have an affair because other women deserve better from me.

But I guess I'm frustrated and tired of waiting for something that quite frankly, I can't seem to find anywhere.

And you won't be finding it here, either. Oh, well, you'll get schtupped - big woo. That you can get at a bar any night if you drop your standards low enough.

Now here's a beaut:

Girls my age aren't interested in serious relationships

Um. Hello? 'Serious relationship'? You're claiming all you want is casual sex and that you have no thoughts of being in a relationship. You'll likely fall in love, considering how vulnerable you are, and get hurt by this woman who's cheated twice already and unquestionably would cheat with you should she end up with you. Still think you'll have no regrets?

I'll regret it but life is full of regrets.

It doesn't have to be at all. It depends how you choose to live your life.

Many affairs? Two in ten years isn't a good thing but I wouldn't call it many.

Someday when you're in a relationship, think of what you've said here. I guarantee you that you'll realize how foolish you'll realize this all is.

Bottom line; drop all the rationalizations because otherwise you will use them to go ahead. Listen to what you're being told, especially by people who've gone this route. You think you know better than those who are offering you advice - we all used to think that LOL. Then we found out we were wrong about that just as you will.
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 53
Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 8:23:30 AM
Wear a rubber and have fun.
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 55
view profile
Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 9:03:38 AM
If you are gonna go there, just go there with open eyes.

1) you will get dumped. she will NOT leave him for you...
2) if she DOES leave him for you, you will then have her ex-H and 3 kids to deal with... all before you've finished college.
3) affairs are emotional roller coasters - and those emotions can be hard to hide when you are working together.
4) if you get caught by the powers that be at work, you will BOTH risk the chance of being fired.
5) wear a condom. ALWAYS. unless you want to be the "babydaddy" - or want whatever lovely little germ her husband might have (and assume if she's getting some on the side, so is he, and you don't know who HE's sleeping with.
6) even if she says she doesn't sleep with her husband, assume she does. and you CANNOT be jealous of that fact. Married people have sex.

If you are ok with the consequences, I'd say don't let anything but fear and common sense stop you.

It's your life, and your decision. Whether she cheats on her spouse is really not your concern, its whether you want to get involved with a person who is living their life with someone else.

eyes wide open, OP.
that is all.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 56
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Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 11:11:07 AM
^^^^ Outside Mr. Happy Pants which was succinct and to the point, this is actually brilliant. More than one reason Bing.
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 57
Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 11:18:18 AM
merrylass has some excellent advice as does Edward the whatever...I just prefer merry's method of discourse.
Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 58
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Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 11:51:57 AM
I don't know a kind or mild way to put this...
Affairs with Married people are STUPID.
Affairs with Co-Workers are STUPID.

Haven't you ever heard the axiom "Don't crap where you eat?"
Well, having an affair is doing EXACTLY that...

Consider what your 'Work Environment' will be like after the affair is over.

Since you are 10 years younger, maybe you are young enough to start over someplace else, and maybe you are young enough to get some self respect back after you have this 'Affair' with someone else's wife.

The old adage of 'What goes Around.... Comes Around'.
(What will your wife be doing 10 years from now?)
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 60
Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 3:28:38 PM
Having a relationship with a co-worker isn't necessary a bad thing. It depends on the circumstances. I know some married couples who met at work. However there is NO upside to having an affair with a married woman regardless of where you met her from.
 bulls eye annie
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 65
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Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 6:02:05 PM
Well put Silken Fire, "Character is what you do when no one is watching," let's add integrity!
Secretfriend74, Agree, " Never CHIT where you eat"

EllyKay Don't be a homewrecker that tips the scales in harms way for the children.

Takmeaziam: Want to add somthing here to self sabatoge....losing weight just to replace with another habit.....another form of self-sabatoge?

Don't mix work with personal life EVER!

Remember Karma? What you put out comes back three want your wife to cheat on you? Your children cheated on one day.........???

Working in male dominate organizations throughout my work history, I can tell you, She has the knowledge and she's abusing it......want someone to do that to your kids?

How on Earth is this going to improve your confidence? Just for SEX?
Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 6:15:11 PM
Hahaha ... Looks like you want to "do it," you just don't want to get caught! Wrong place to think out loud Einstein!
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 69
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Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 6:26:54 PM
It always cracks me up when someone writes posts like this but has Christian in their profile, you are how you act, not what you pretend to believe in. Your character is shining through and I see no reason why you shouldn't jump in there and both of you, who have zero self-esteem between you, should be happy as hogs slopping around in the mud. I have one request of people who behave this not turn around and whine about being victims or how it hurts or gosh you just didn't know the other people involved, as in husband/children could possible be damaged by your actions. Go into it knowing that it's sleazy, trashy behavior and that you are excited about it to the point of bragging. Own what you are and what attracts you, own what will be attracted to you in the future and know that being fat is absolutely no excuse nor is it the reason that the two of you have no morals or values. Neither of you are doing this because you are/were fat, her husband has nothing to do with her character, her husband has nothing to do with your character, you are both who you are because of what you are. Own it and happy whoring. As for the children, great harm is done to them by parents who use them as the excuse to stay in a marriage while they cheat, lie, build resentments and damage their children, sometimes for life. Yeah, great excuse, we have to screw our brains out because, well her children are keeping her tied to a man that just forces her to cheat. What a pair!

There are two kinds of people, those who do what they think is right and those who take advantage to gain whatever they can get, if it's wrong, well blame someone/something else.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 72
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Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 6:52:40 PM
Annudder, it is just possible that people are responding from their experience but also what they know of the OP. When people make choices that are contrary to the way they normally conduct themselves they tend to regret them. If the OP was comfortable going down the road the thread would not be here and assuming that any people that advised against this behavior as simple right or wrong meaning they have been cheated on, get a grip.

Your last point about the lawsuit. Good luck with that. Courts these days pretty much don't care a whit about any moral activity of the people involved in a divorce or custody case unless people are screwing in front of the kids.
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 73
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Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 6:53:38 PM
OP: Been there, done that. The way you feel about her after it's over will be very different from the way you feel now. Be prepared for that. Another thing you have to realize is that it will affect her entire family. Most married women who cheat like to think that "the kids don't know" about it. They know. A lot of times the husband may come to realize it, too.

You need to set a time-table for yourself to end this thing, because affairs get worse and messier over time. They rarely get better. At some point, you're going to sense that the curiosity has been sated, and you're going to need to cut the thing loose. A breakup from an affair is different than a breakup from a faithful relationship, so be prepared for that, too. You also need to realize that one of you is going to end up leaving that job after the affair is over. You're 21, so it's most likely going to be you, OP. I take it that that is not a big deal to you, so just be aware of that.

Never meet at her house. Never brag about it to your friends, coworkers or acquaitances. Never be seen with her in public places in your local town there---if you're going to eat out or do activities, go out of town. Never let it become a relationship about love---don't say "I love you" even if she asks you to. Never try to turn her against her husband or family----it's better to let her sort out her own conflicts/feelings.

It's the wrong thing to do, OP; but you already know that. Set a time-table to end it ahead of time and be discreet. Try not to get yourself hurt if the husband finds out.
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 74
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Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 7:02:18 PM
there's a thread right above this one, about a man who was fired for sexual harrassment for just being "friendly" with a married woman. don't mix business with pleasure. and what kind of pleasure is cheating?
Affair with a married co-worker.
Posted: 9/18/2008 7:33:50 PM

a married woman with 3 kids who's a minimum wage mcdonalds slut
I resemble that remark (the slut part, at least)!!
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