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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 26
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
On thing I have learned in life, is when we start seeing a pattern, maybe it is ourselves we need to change and stop shifting the blame. Maybe you are going after a particualr mold, therfore you are getting these types of reactions. Lets cut the "being treated like a pricess" bullshit. This is not romper room. And if you are speaking to women or girls that even say that, you will get what you have comming. On line and off line dating both are full off narcissists and liars. I met and moved for one. Now I do things differently, that is all. Be gald yours were just dates and dinner, you did not invest feelings time and money and relocating for some ***hole. Change things. All you can do. And don't take these women out and spend a ton of money (if that is the case) go somewhere fun, but I hear serial dating can get pricy. I prefer to meet one man, talk and see if we get a long first then go out on some "dates." That way I at least know we have stuff in common and it won't be so awkward, and no one feels used.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 27
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 9/21/2008 2:01:13 PM

What is it with the large and growing number of women on dating sites who exist solely to go out on dates for attention, validation and "free stuff", but with no intention of actually having any interest or exploring chemistry?
Before you jump on me, let me explain..
I've been on a few dates with women in the last month who went out with me and during or after the first date would say something like:
"Oh, I was never interested in you at all from the start, but it was a free date, so what the heck!"
or:
"I knew there would be no chemistry, but you invited me out, so I accepted. I didn't plan on there ever being a second date."
What is this?
And I say "large and growing", because I've talked to at least a dozen or more women randomly across all areas over IM (a random "survey", just to be sure), and at least half or more of them admit that they had good intentions when they joined the site (this site and Match), but once they saw the attention they were getting (hundreds of emails a week, hundreds of profile views a day), they decided to just go out and "feel good" by being treated like a princess, get compliments left and right from dozens of random guys they're being taken out by and the obligatory free dinner/ball game/whatever.

So sorry OP ~ my mistake. Please replace "vast majority" to "large and growing number".



Should we turn the tables and do the same? Is this really what the online dating world has become? A field of borderline narcissists and liars?

Sure!! We can all attest that MEN never ever lie in a profile, during a date, before/after or during sex and we are all very well aware that narcissism is definitely a female trait ~ it's genetic I'd guess. (Overgeneralizations, gotta love 'em.)

~OP~ Whoever those women you are "randomly surveying" are such a small majority of women that it's impossible to have any reasonable theory to back up this idiology. Any male poster who claims such the following:



I've been on a few dates with women in the last month who went out with me and during or after the first date would say something like:
"Oh, I was never interested in you at all from the start, but it was a free date, so what the heck!"
or:
"I knew there would be no chemistry, but you invited me out, so I accepted. I didn't plan on there ever being a second date."

might wish to do some serious introspection/retrospection and re-evaluation of his preference in those he chooses to date. Women "players" aren't all that different from men "players" and I've yet to have any man sit across from me over dinner or afterwards and plainly state: "So, enjoying(ed) your pasta? Great! I think we can blow this joint and go straight to the car for a bj. I have no interest in seeing you again, and there is no chemistry ~ but what the hell, we're both here and you did accept my offer so let's just get on it." That's about as silly as what you claim was stated to you. Profess it how you view it, we're all entitled to our very own version of what happened. Let's keep in mind, however, that the only common denominator in your dates is: YOU. Re-evaluation of self and personal preference in a significant other/date ~ it's the key to meeting people who are more concerned with your substance than your wallet. JMO
 setuid
Joined: 9/5/2008
Msg: 28
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Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 9/21/2008 2:23:37 PM
Like I said, you want to point out that there is a problem and yet don't want to accept advice.

I see. Not reading the entire thread again?

Take the time to re-read my posts here (and in other threads) and see the several instances in this thread alone, where I was given advice, took it and made immediate changes based on it. Also witness me thanking those who were giving me advice which was heard and absorbed.

I am sorry that you did not post a serious thread to get the advice from others. Grow up.

Now that you've heard yourself speak, are you done? Or just trolling this thread again?

I wanted to, once again, thank everyone who replied with constructive responses here. The end result is that I need to raise my bar quite a bit higher than it was previously, and deal with that for a little while to see if the situation improves.
 lynnnn
Joined: 7/1/2008
Msg: 29
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 9/21/2008 3:41:48 PM
I just read this thread and I don't see where you are taking any DATING advice. Maybe you switched up your profile, but this isn't in the profile review section and any advice you took wasn't about dating. You still want to date tons of women too fast from the sounds of it and insult anyone that suggests that you shouldn't.

You are a perfect example of why I don't IM. Guys that don't want to take the time to get to know you properly, they want instant gratification, ask you out before you even talk on the phone!

Going out to dinner is not being treated like a princess. It is just eating food with someone. Being treated like a princess is the date pays for a massage, manicure, pedicure, hairstylist, and a new outfit. I prefer doing my own make-up and facials. Then the limo pulls up to your hotel where he paid for a suite for you. The limo takes you to meet him in a restaurant where he has roses waiting for you and a bottle of champagne ready to be uncorked. Of course he knows ahead of time what to order for you and how you like it prepared. I like my crystal slippers and never lost one on a princess date, but from what you have written, don't think you have ever actually done one or have ever met someone you felt was good enough to treat like a princess.

Talk about trolls...oh wait, maybe just a borderline narcissist and liar
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 30
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Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 9/21/2008 3:44:59 PM
attention, validation and free stuff? who knew?

i thought we went on dates to get the men to stop whining.
 submarinequeen
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 31
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 9/21/2008 4:00:25 PM
ok OP
who is WE?
Because last I checked most men on here really just want to find someone they don't mind doing the dirty with. I am always getting hit with friends with benefits, always. I believe that is along the same lines. Some people want a free date, some people want free sex. So if you are saying all men have good intentions, and so many women are just up for the free meal and compliments- I smell sh_ _. I somehow fail to understand why anyone would want to go out with anyone they didn't want to at least get to know as a friend. But such is the ignorance dealt. Either way, nothing is free when exchanging time and or money for anticipated outcome with no prior contract. Only experience.
Ready to roll the dice again?
lol
 lil_ladybug
Joined: 1/21/2008
Msg: 32
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 9/27/2008 1:53:55 PM
Unfortunately, there are people who do date to get a free meal. I have heard some women say "I am not attracted him, but hey a free meal is a free meal!" There are also others who are online to get laid, or had nothing else better to do.

Myself, personally, my spare time is very precious and I would rather spend that little free time I do have with somebody I am interested in knowing rather then getting teh free meal out of it. Oh well, first dates for me are generally the coffee shop, book store types anyways and I buy my own coffee!! LOL
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 33
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Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 9/27/2008 1:59:11 PM
I really don't think it's that common. I'm sure all those women who went out with you had at at least a small part of them hoping that things WOULD work out on dates and they would be thrilled to fall in love with a great guy. It's really not fun going on a bad date. It wouldn't be worth it for just dinner. If you're really serious, and want to avoid people who are just dating to have a good time, then just limit your search to women who put long term. There's still no guarantees that she'll want to see you again, of course. But by limiting your dates to those women, you'll know she's emotionally available and ready to go should it work out.

I think you're just hurt that more women aren't wanting to continue dating you, and it's easier to blame it on the women's attitude's rather than admitting they weren't interested in you once they met you. Dating is rough. But it's rough for both genders. Just in different ways.
 TheCreativeGuy
Joined: 9/20/2008
Msg: 34
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Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 9/27/2008 3:30:43 PM
I say relax and have a good time while you're out. As people have suggested, maybe spending less on the first outing may be a good idea if the prices matters.

I would take someone I just met to somewhere I would normally go, and let the chips fall where they may.

I also think it's better to leave the self-image at the door and go in with NO expectations. Life is so much better just enjoying the moment we are in. Sure, there are disappointments too as far as the heart and mind go, but the world still spins.

You can live to find your love another day, and without any worries, and you'll have less angst if you just enjoy the company you keep. There are so many fish in the sea, and you're sure to find one who really does want to be with you.
 novy 28
Joined: 11/28/2005
Msg: 35
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Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 9/27/2008 6:44:06 PM
I would have to say that you are offering them the world, so they are accepting it. I do not know what your 'date' consists of with these women, but for all of them telling you the same thing, maybe you think you need to praise them with expensive dinners and so forth. If you just be yourself and just tell them you want to go to the park or something with a prepared basket, you will get a different response. If they accept, they are interested in you. If they decline, you don't need them anyway.

Forget the dumb stuff, let some other jive turkey pick up the tab!
 CHAOTICBEAUTINESS
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 36
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 9/27/2008 7:04:29 PM
You sound exactly like the kind of man that only wants to find out about chemistry. Straight from email to come to my place to check out my set...chemistry set.

Is it working for you? I am guessing it isn't and that is why you are trying to put it off on women, sigh, that is another thread I read on here about men and women blaming each other.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 37
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 9/30/2008 8:54:00 PM

What is it with the large and growing number of women on dating sites who exist solely to go out on dates for attention, validation and "free stuff", but with no intention of actually having any interest or exploring chemistry?


I don't think this is happening only on dating sites.
I'm aware of it happening in REAL life as well.

I'd suggest men stop giving.
Until they find a woman worthy of receiving.
And vice versa.

Oh wow - and now I'll quote the Bible....

"Don't cast your pearls among the swine"

Take some message from that if you will, it's rare for me to make such a scriptural reference so possibly the sky is falling....

But the meaning should be the same.
If you give away the goods to some one undeserving, then you reap what you sow.

Oh.no!
More scripture.
I need to get some sleep.
 thegirliest
Joined: 7/31/2008
Msg: 38
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 10/2/2008 7:00:22 AM
I don't believe you, I think you are stretching the truth when you say "dozens" of women. If that were so, ratios would dictate that some of my friends would feel that way and none of them/us do. You should just have a 'meeting' first and then a date if it seems in order. That might eliminate some of the junk.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 39
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 10/2/2008 8:19:14 AM

100 emails a week and at least double that in profile views/winks is fairly common, and not a myth. This is why the women don't respond to emails or winks, because they're so inundated with them they just disregard most of them, unless someone is persistent or has all of the Tiffany qualities they're looking for.


From the women I have gone out with it was more like 100 a day. And the first day they had a profile up more than 500.
 INeed2FindU
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 40
Free Stuff?`
Posted: 10/16/2008 11:05:00 PM
Testing...testing....Am I at the right place? I just have to add my two cents.

We are all products of the choices that we make.

Maybe I should change my PROFESSION from Self-Employed to CEO or CFO, Hell I'm both. Maybe I can get some FREE STUFF , this is just my opinion but maybe that is what he is looking for SOME FREE STUFF then got his ego smashed, when she said "NO" you're not really my type, but thanks for everything.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 41
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 10/17/2008 7:13:17 PM
Um... We're ALL dating for attention. From the right person, anyway.

I dunno what a stranger can do to validate me in any way... nor do I really want stuff from strangers.

I'd really love to know how someone can know before meeting you that there'd be no chemistry.

I realize how attempting to make sure there's actual interest or the intention of it, at the least.. may come off sounding either paranoid or pathetic, but I think for guys, particularly... you should find a way to find out IF the interest is actually real as opposed to a ploy to get free meals, or whatever.

For every woman like me... who wants to find out if I'm a match to the guy I'm gonna meet (and him to me) for REAL... there's 2 or 3 who are just after a night out, free stuff, meals...
 GreenEyesGoldenLocks
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 42
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 10/19/2008 3:59:54 PM
so free stuff.. am wondering am I supposed to be taking the shampoo and soap if I stay the night? or is it like a conference where you get pens and chip clips with the logo on it. I personally havent been on any dates where there was any free stuff to take home.. wouldnt mind the attn and validation though.. oh I am sorry just cant take this one seriously.
 bobbycllhn
Joined: 9/20/2015
Msg: 43
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 1/1/2016 5:24:12 PM
Women being women is all I see here.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 44
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Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 1/1/2016 5:39:49 PM
I agree when there is a problem that is happening a lot, you need to look at yourself. You are the common denominator.
I find it hard to believe a woman would suffer through a free meal with a guy she had no real interest in. She would have be really bored or really broke. My guess is that you contacted really hot looking chicks and they are maybe online just to pass the time or play games. If you don't like it, then concentrate on real life meets. It is a free site and there are no guarantees.

You don't have to offer a meal on a first date after all. Just drinks and see how things go.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 45
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 1/1/2016 11:11:13 PM
based on posts here, i'd say a lady who takes a free meal from a creep, is learning a lesson she doesn't want to repeat, and from then on, doesn't let a restaurant date be the first date. she's sick of being stuck with a creep. HOWEVER, that said, she may find a guy she doesn't have a "real interest in" (ie, wants to sleep with), but hey, he's decent enough company, and well gosh, why not? I had a lady friend offer to take me to lunch today, and I know she's schtupping some guy once a week, and sometimes we run out of conversation and yet....I let her take me to lunch and talk about spending Christmas at Disneyworld.

It was a nice way to spend the afternoon, and I got a free meal out of it. Why say no, b/c I'm not going to get any "dessert" out of it ever? sometimes in life, you just get a platonic relationship. you have to be happy with the glass half full. sometimes in life, ya just don't get whatcha wa-aaant, and sometimes, Mick, you don't even get what you need. you just have some fun.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 46
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 1/1/2016 11:17:39 PM
Gtomustang,
Honestly, we live in one of the most affluent societies in the world. For those of us who have a job, buying a friend or a date something to eat/drink isn't a huge deal. Your friend felt like treating you to lunch - awesome. Treat her to the same another time. No, no dessert. :-) I sometimes pay for my friends when we go out, I'm sure you do the same. You shouldn't take her lunch offer as "she wants my body."
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 47
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Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 1/2/2016 5:16:01 PM

gtomustang
HOWEVER, that said, she may find a guy she doesn't have a "real interest in" (ie, wants to sleep with), but hey, he's decent enough company, and well gosh, why not?

I just posted this story in a different thread, but it bears repeating. This buying lunch business can get expensive!



Dating is expensive, I'll give you that. I had mid-day / afternoon date today.

Lunch at Pappadeux Seafood Kitchen (chain restaurant, sort of mid-scale like Olive Garden, which many here look down on).

$66 with tip.

Afternoon matinee at the movies, two tickets $18, and then $23 at snack bar. I always get a large popcorn and a bottled water and offer to share, but she wanted a bag of M&Ms and a Sprite.

Two drinks (one each) after the movie, $15 with tip.

$66 + 18 + 23 + 15 = $122, and I was at back at home by 5:30 p.m.

There's something wrong with this picture, I spent $122 on a date today, and I'm sitting at home alone on Saturday night. I may have to rethink this ...
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 48
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 1/2/2016 7:24:24 PM
I hear ya, O, took a different friend to lunch b/c her cheap daughter is driving her nuts. Went to Chili's, the tab was $30 plus. no booze, no appetizer, which was good b/c we were pretty full. the waitress had a great ass but had a too-sunny disposition, kinda like a first grade teacher who talks to adults like she does children. We went to a consignment shop and she helped me pick out a few shirts/sweaters for winter now that its finally arrived. So, $80 for an afternoon, and we're both home alone and here online :)

"better ruck next time, Cholly", for both of us.
 LIWOMAN1952
Joined: 6/13/2015
Msg: 49
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 1/3/2016 5:51:30 AM
We are suppose to get free stuff ? No one told me
 8inscrew
Joined: 11/17/2014
Msg: 50
Only dating for attention, validation and free stuff?
Posted: 1/3/2016 8:36:10 AM
Pontiac, maybe she noticed you noticing the waitstaff's derriere.... which she undoubtedly noticed first anyway.


I don't see anything wrong with dating for these reasons. Just these reasons? Yuck.
Also, honesty is huge. Acting like things are more than they are is wrong.

Casual dating often becomes a competition between suitors.
What's wrong with that?

When I was dating, women often got me gifts or did things for me, took me on get a ways.
It was validating. The attention was nice. Flattering sometimes.
From rich Daddy's girls to more mature professional women... make no mistake.
Ladies are ruthless in their stalking of their pr... I mean competition for mates.


What I don't get, is showing an interest in a gal and making the effort of dinner, movies, ect...
then griping about how much you spent. When it's "my treat" I feel good about that.

I got stood up some years ago by a gorgeous blonde. Because she liked me too much..um?
But it was a very fancy place. I looked like an ass. So I said eff it, and had dinner anyways.
Full course meal.. beers while waiting, tapas, entrée, dessert, 2 bottles of wine, then I ordered for her.
And ate that too. After espresso the owner gave me the bill and a cigar.. along with a healthy discount.
It was still like $400 with tip. What a treat.

If you just want sex... tell her to come over in sweats for pizza and a movie.
And to pick a pizza and a movie on the way over...

If you want to get out on the town and show off your woman.. get clean, dress well, smell nice
and hit the atm. Don't begrudgingly part with your clams with the hopes of sex. That is dishonest.
Destined for disappointment, maybe?
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