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 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 20
asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I'd personally try to start up conversations with her before asking her out to make sure that you like her personality and that she likes yours. Women are way more comfortable going out with someone they have talked to on a friendly basis before. It also shows that you are confident and not desperate to go out with them.

This works well. Several years ago, there was a guy at work who used to say hi to me here and there. One day, he struck up a conversation with me at a company function and I found him to be witty and charming. After he came down to my floor a couple of times and after some banter, he went back up to his desk and called me to ask me out to dinner. We dated for 2 years and for the most part, it was good as we worked in different areas and were professional. Good luck to you, OP.

Editing to say that message 22 makes some good points about not dating at work. On the flip side, I dated the guy mentioned in my post a bit longer than I would have had we not been in the same work place. Be very careful and try to use good judgment. As Olympia Dukakis' character in Moonstruck said...don't shyt where you eat.
 Daywalker101
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 21
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asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/22/2008 9:41:16 AM
How about 'care to join me for lunch?' Its non threatening, non sexual, and will give the two of you an opportunity to talk.
 TheyCallMeMrAwesome
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 24
asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/22/2008 10:23:25 AM
Well, I don't ask straight up, I usually get someone to do some research, or i ask her friends, coworkers, or if ya got a good friend that is willing, have em ask for you, I've done all of the above, with a similar coworker, except I did it and she had a boyfriend, but we are friends.

Hope this helps
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 25
asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/22/2008 10:33:55 AM
You'll almost never know if a woman is single before you ask her out...you kind of have to take that risk if you want it bad enough. So what if you ask her and she's taken? No harm done...it's not personal to you if she is. Just ask her.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 27
asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/23/2008 4:37:31 AM

so what's the best way to approach this situation?


Casually say something like, ``You know... The only reason I haven't asked you out is that I don't know if you're married or dating someone.'' You should be able to turn just about any reply to that into a short conversation that doesn't leave things awkward for either of you.
 lil red corvette
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 28
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asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/23/2008 5:08:48 AM
And this thread isn't even a joke ... try saying "I'd love to have a coffee with you"
If she's married or seeing someone , she will say so... mind you .. she may just not want to have a coffee with you .

Just how long have you been thinking about this person without talking to her anyway ?

 riverkeeper
Joined: 3/15/2008
Msg: 31
asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/23/2008 7:02:28 AM
ask her out and expect her to turn you down. single or not thats the way women are. they say no automactly. then they have second thoughts after your walking away.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 32
asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/23/2008 7:15:43 AM
Most women give you signals as to their status in a relationship. What you need to do, are two things. One, find a neutral place to meet, like the coffee room at the office, or copier machine, a place where people usually gather by need. If her cubicle is in your way to something, well then stop by and talk. Second, the talk again needs to be rather neutral, but specific. You can ask her "how was your weekend, Did you and your boyfriend do something interesting?" You can even ask without the "boyfriend" part, and she will answer "I did this...." or "We did that..." to which you can ask, "You and your roommate..." and she more than likely will clarify. If she becomes nebulous it means that whoever she is going out with, is not working and she is not sure where it may go. So once you find out what she did ask her if that is what she usually loves to do on a weekend or what is they type of adventure, or activity that "makes" the weekend special. Now you are learning about her, finding common points of interest, and even if she is with someone, it doesn't matter. You are not hitting on her, you're finding common ground. If some of the activities have something in common with yours, then extrapolate and talk about some of your activities, "So you went to a wine tasting over the weekend? That is great, have you tried the Malbecs before? How about the Tempranillos? There's a little restaurant that serves...." and you go for a little bit and keep digging information.

Remember, most people are either in a relationship, ending or getting over a relationship, or in no relationship at all. Somebody in a happy relationship will automatically say "we had an awesome weekend." While someone in the other two categories will leave it more open, so even when they are still going out with someone, but is not going well, they may hide that, and if they do that, is for a reason. This is good and bad. It can mean that she has a lot of baggage or drama with this other person, or that it didn't work out and they are in that period of separation and seeing what flies. If she is still too attached, don't pursue. It's better to give her time, actually pull away, than to pursue her, only to become the bouncing friend to whom she will tell all the bad things the other guy did. Avoid that at all cost. But, if there's a hint of a guy in her background, realize that most women, at least those that are half way sociable have one, pay no heed. You're there to represent the future.

So yeah, talk to her, test the waters, but read all the signals, and if anybody tells you that reading all the signals is a game, get over it, dating is a game with a lot of non-verbal communication. Understand it, use it.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 33
asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/23/2008 7:21:42 AM

you have managed to tell her that you think she's beautiful and it will make her day in most cases. If she doesn't have a boyfriend/husband then she'll be then hopefully obliged to tell you this. And if she does have a bf/husband then she'll tell you in some form or fashion.


Hmmm. I don't think so. Call me an a$$whole, but I never, ever complement a woman on her look like this, it immediately comes across as a come on, and if it's someone I work with reads like a huge red flag.

Now, if she is a person I have absolutely no sexual interest, let's say a grandma type, who is adorable. Then I may tell her something of that nature, and in public in front of everyone. Anyway, that is just me.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 36
asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/23/2008 3:12:17 PM

You should NEVER, and I mean NEVER, say something like this to a woman you barely know if you want to have any sort of future relationship with her on any level.


I agree that telling a woman she's beautiful will not go over real well, but I've never gotten a negative reaction to a sincere complement about something very specific that I've noticed and find particularly appealing. It's been quite the opposite. Usually she''ll appreciate it and make some comment about knowing I meant what I said, if only because it's some detail I did notice and know exactly why I found it attractive. What sounds creepy are compliments that make it appear you are only trying to get in her pants.
 SteveinHP
Joined: 8/12/2008
Msg: 38
asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/23/2008 6:09:24 PM
Man up and ask, geeze.

Gone Sailin has it right...
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 42
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asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/24/2008 12:01:37 PM
Dude are you serious? Here is the deal. You are way too far up into your own head about this! You simply go up to her and ask her out for a coffee or a drink after work. If she is interested, she'll say yes. If not, she'll say no. Let her worry about her husband/ boyfriend/whatever status. You are imagining alosorts of what ifs that mean absolutely zero.

Ask yourself right now. "Why can't you ask her out if you don't know if she is single?"
Why not? You think that the reason is she will be offended or she will say no. If she says no then so what? And why would she be offended? You would have no way of knowing what her status is. Don't send someone to snoop abouther. That is childish. Don't try and be her friend because you are obviously not interested in being friends. Women tend to not date their friends anyways and why start out with a lie? You want a romantic relationship not a friendly one. Besides if you ask her out and she says no, then what? You stop being friends and now you are an ass.
Honestly, I would not ask her out. You seem to already know that she will say no and have already dug your own grave.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 43
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asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/24/2008 12:12:30 PM

just sit down and talk as friends.

This is the worst advice on the thread. Do not do this! I will never for the life of me understand why guys won't simply 'man up' and make their intentions clear. You don't want to be her friend. You want to date her! There is a world of difference! You don't want her to see you as a nice guy. You want her to be interested. Don't pretend to e something that you are not and then blindside her with a romantic interest when you were cultivating a platonic one. That is stupid. It also comes off as disingenuise... because it is! You are cultivating a friendship with this girl so that you can get in her pants (to put it crudely) If you ask her out and she says no then what? You are gonna stay friends with her? No! You never actually wanted to be friends in the first place!
Just let your real intentions be known and let her decide like a grown adult instead of ****footing around it like a child!
Guys that do this need to grow a pair!
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 47
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asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/24/2008 12:59:47 PM
If I were you I'll start on the basic, I'll be friendly with her . It is a slow move but it is a sure footing. this guy at work when ever we met we greet each other with smile good morning , that's all he never sit with me in the cafeteria,then out of the blue he stopped me and asked if I am single ( it was a wrong timing ) I counteract his question " Why are you asking me that personal question ? If he establish a good rapport with me engage me in some social conversation and get familiar to each other hmm,it might be a different story.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 49
asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/24/2008 2:28:26 PM
I just give an honest compliment that's wrapped in a litmus test:

"I bet your boyfriend often tells you you're beautiful."




Don't do this! It comes across as border-line creeper.


I agree. I'd feel ridiculous saying something that cheesy and transparent to a woman, knowing that she is thinkng I'm just one more idiot trying to get into her pants. Instead of trying to disguise a question as a complement, it would be much better to make a geneuine complement directly and ask the question outright in a way that gives her an easy out when answering.



 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 51
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asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/24/2008 5:02:01 PM

Just keep in mind that girls named "Trashcan" and guys who think that a girl's shoes are *fabulous* will think of this approach as borderline creepy.

Well while I would not exactly label it creepy, I'll definetly call it lame! What kind of litmus test is that? The woman obviously knows what you are trying to get at (hopefully) but thinks that you are way too clumsy to ask with more tact or at worst she thinks that you go to bed at night thinking about her and her boyfriend. To make any sort of reference about the details of an intimate relationship of a stranger is out of line, believe what you want, Takemeasiam, but that is really bad.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 52
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asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/24/2008 5:43:41 PM
You know I just gotta say, TakemethewayIam, you were really out of line with your insults towards those two people. Neither one of them wronged you in anyway. True they may disagree with your view point and I am usually quick to get confrontational in the forums but not peronal against someone where it was not warranted. The fact that you would even feel that insinuating that he may be gay (the 'fabulous' reference) is even an insult tells alot about you. Let me assure you, that there is nothing wrong or to be ashamed of in being gay. Whats next you gonna insult him be making a Hebrew, Chinese or Polish reference next?
Ther is nothing wrong with giving the ugly truth to someone that needs or deserves it, but to personally attack two people because they simply disagree with the advice that you gave (which was terrible) is petty, small and you owe the an apology (althoughI know that you won't give it).
If I were you I would take a loong hard look in the mirror.
 jackster121
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 53
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asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/24/2008 5:50:52 PM
I disagree with the "you can't just ask" thing. Just casually asker her if she is involved. If she says yes, she'll still be flattered and if she says no, she already knows where you are going and will probably be receptive to the idea.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 56
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asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/25/2008 1:00:38 PM

When it comes right down to it, if I state my approach and then somebody says that it's creepy then they're suggesting that I'm creepy. I see that as an insult because it is an insult.

This is blatantly not true. It was obviously aimed at the tactic and not you. You are way too defensive. Either way how does that rationalize Trashcan??

{quote]Everyone is entitled to post their suggestions and their opinions to the OP's question. Some people here thought it was a valid suggestion. Others didn't and they didn't insult me. There are ways of disagreeing that aren't so offensive as what's-his-name's. He could have easily just posted his own suggestion and made no comment whatsoever about mine. He could have simply disagreed and left it at that. But his intent was to score points against me and that I won't stand for. I won't put up with it in person and I won't here either.
Uhhh, if I remember correctly Your response to his opinion that had nothing to do with yours was to insinuate that he was gay. And again why even use being gay as a insult? If everyone is entitled then why attack him?


It doesn't bother me when you suggest that my advice is "terrible". That wasn't an insult to me. It's merely your opinion.{/quote]
That is interesting because I leveled most of my post as a personal attack against you. Frankly, you are the one and only aggressor here and none of this still explains why you would attack Trashcan.


Since this approach has worked well for me I don't honestly need any feedback from this forum and wasn't looking for any. So you can claim that I "need or deserve" that negative feedback but I'd suggest that no, I don't.

Congrats that this approach has worked well for you, but all that really happened was a few people made it clear why it would not normally. They pointed that out to the OP in an attempt to give a different perspective.
The truth here is that you felt that it was completely all right to make personal attacks against someone that disagreed with you. I don't know you, but your response was indicative of someone with low self esteem and confidence issues. You are not receiving negative feedback for the suggestion. You are recieving negative feedback for your behaviour.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 60
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asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/26/2008 12:57:38 AM
I don't get why you "obviously" can't just ask if she's single or not. Just ask. And then tell us how it goes. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you wait too long, you might just miss your chance. If you ask whether she's single or not, and she's coupled up, she'll still be flattered no matter what, unless you repulse her. Find out her answer. If she's got a partner, you can stop there, but it will be enough to put a smile on her face. If she is single, then ask her out right there.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 61
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asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/26/2008 8:02:51 AM
So, presumably in your dating world being friendly to women is out of order.

You presume wrong. If you do not know the difference between 'friendly' and 'friends' ... what am I saying? Of course you know! You are simply trying to deflect the issue that you have personally attacked two people that did absolutely nothing to you. You are still yet to explain what in the world Trashcan did to deserve it and frankly you are just weak.
The fact is that someone gave a better suggestion than yours and you attacked him, not his idea. When a woman also said that your suggestion sounded creepy you attacked her too. You are just pathetic.

... and for the record no, I do not believe that dating is the natural extension of friendship. There are women that I want to be friends with and there are women that I want to date. I am sexually interested in the women that I want to date. You can befriends with the woman that you are dating, but you should not look to date amonst your friends.
I am sure that that was SO hard to figure out without me explaining it to you.

You've already established that you attack people who try to give rather simple/thoughtful advice like "talk to her like a friend".

Not even a nice try. There is attacking an idea and attacking someone personally. Point out in there where someone has been personally attacked. Quote it. The fact is that it did not happen. The comment was directed at the idea not at the person that wrote it. He did not get called a name or have his screen name insulted.
 iherdcats
Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 62
asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/26/2008 8:12:15 AM

obviously can't just ask


not so obvious to me?

never safe to assume, I doubt that you can read minds... so why not just ask?
you are an adult now.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 64
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asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/26/2008 2:05:25 PM
Wow. You really spent some effort weaving a story for yourself there. Let me correst you here.
Whether we agree with the advice or not, it is all positive feedback as long as it is honestly attempting to help the OP. Neither you nor I am set up as the arbitrator of positive or negative advice. So get over yourself.
What you call destroying the suggestions of others, I call pointing out the shortcomings of those suggestions. Other posters have confirmed those shortcomings. That does not make them bad or negative. It means that there were flaws in your suggestions. Flaws that you are not adult enough to accept when someone points out and you need to take them personally.
Some of the people that you attack here have produced new ideas.
For the actual person that began the whole attacking people on this thread, why don't you go to your second post and see what you wrote. You threw the first and then the second stone. You and only you started talking trash to people here until I called you out on it. What B*llSh*t is it that you reacted to? There was none. You are simply a child that is having a tantrum when you were shown to not be %100 correct and for the record your suggestion was creepy. Trashcan made no negative move by pointing out that it would have been taken as creepy. You are still yet to point out why you felt the need to attack her or mock her name. Seeing how you have not done so three times now, I will do so for you. It is because you are a small man that is not able to cope with someone stating that your way was not the best way so now you have to start swinging at them.
Please show me the part where I ridiculed the OP. Quote it. Don't respond without that in your response, please.
It never happened. The only person that I have ridiculed here is you. Just you.
Quote it.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 66
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asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:19:37 PM
Well that explains your problem then. Neither of those are personal attacks. You are too far into your own head means that you are over thinking it. It is childish to believe that he needs to make a whole routine and ask friends about her. Just ask her out.

Your second quote is again attacking an idea. Not the author. No one was personally attacked. The author did not read and go 'Hey he attacked me'. The idea was on trial because it is childish, not the person. That said the idea is childish and there is no problem pointing that out. You on the other hand called one guy gay because he did not like your idea and Trashcan did nothing at all and you attacked her character because of her screen name.
Again (for the billionth time) Attacking an idea or a point is worlds apart from making personal attacks on a particular person... ie Trashcan says that your method is creepy so she must be a lesser person because her screen name is trashcan.

Seeing how a number of people have pointed out the same thing to you and you still will not see it, you are obviously being obtuse, so I am done with you.

Later.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 67
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asking out a woman who you don't know if she's single or not..
Posted: 9/26/2008 9:49:19 PM
You know what, TakemeasIam, I am gonna give you a break and cut you some slack here. The reason that I attacked you was that you were a real jerk to two people on hear that did nothing except disagree with you. You were aggressive with them not once but twice. There was no need for it.
I do not mean this as a slap in the face or an attack, but it seems to me that you are somewhat defensive. Neither of these folks attacked you and even if they did... so what? It's the internet, bro! They are not gonna come to your house and argue with you. Who cares?
Well obviously, you care.
But really, you have got to get a little perspective here. This is a forum. You will get people like me and people like you and everyone in between. The OP asked a question and many of us answered it. Some of the answers are better than others, but they are all just different points of view. That's all. It is not the goal of the respondants to make the forums a pleasant place. The goal is to answer his question and make sure that he gets the best advice possible to solve his issue.
That said some advice is flat out poor and to simply allow the OP to not be told that the advice is not so great is not a 'friendly' type of gesture. So sometimes when you give advice, others are going to point out that it is poor advice. But honestly man, they are not saying that YOU are a poor person or that you are stupid. They are just pointing out that what you said is not %100 the best way to go.
I suspect that this is an issue that you have in real life as well. Hey we all have issues. Multiple issues. But fortunately for you, this is an easy one to fix. Look my man, if ths is something that works for you then fine. Do it. I do alsorts of things that other people would say are poor dating strategies but they work very well for me. That is why it is called Plenty Of Fish.
I will end it just with this, don't take things quite so seriously brother. People are going to disagree with you all of the time. They are not making a statement about you. They are just coming from a different point of view. I can tell from the tone of some of your responses that this really got to you. Don't let me or anyone else wield that sort of power over you my man.
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