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 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 38
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Jokes for Tennessee!Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
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 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 42
Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/21/2008 10:59:31 PM
The following is the winning entry in an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term: This year's term was Political Correctness.

The winner wrote:

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end..."
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 48
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Posted: 10/28/2008 7:05:45 PM
The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to
teach good manners, asked her students the following
question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a
nice young lady, how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael
said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher
responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go
to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

'And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very
dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you
to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted
 romanticgal61
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 50
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Posted: 10/29/2008 10:48:00 AM
Two Nuns and a Vampire

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen are traveling through Eruope in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!!!" shouts Sister Catherine. "what shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination", says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall i do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross", says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking!" says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off the car!"
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 51
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Posted: 10/31/2008 10:57:58 PM
Thought For The Day

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada
for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed.

Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who
couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze???

Just something to think about....
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 52
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Posted: 10/31/2008 10:59:03 PM
The Wisdom Of Our Time

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.




You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.



We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'smart'?



The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.



A fool and his money
can throw one hell of a party.



When blondes have more fun, do they know it?



Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.



LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL



Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.



Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.



If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.



Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.



Time's fun when you're having flies.

......Kermit the Frog



We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.



Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.



Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.



Friends don't let friends
take ugly people home.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.




Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi .



Gaseous clouds
have been detected
around Uranus.



ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.



GUN CONTROL:
using both hands



The more I learn about terrorism,
the more I understand the phone company.



The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population.
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 53
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Posted: 11/3/2008 9:18:46 PM
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.





She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'





She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'





'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'





She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'





The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'





'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'





The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.





But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.





'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'





'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'



The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 56
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Posted: 11/14/2008 4:27:30 PM
I was depressed last night over this financial crisis, so I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 57
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Posted: 11/14/2008 4:29:14 PM
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other prog rams and now monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 . I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed!

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings Alimony C hild Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it t ends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 61
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Posted: 11/19/2008 2:29:11 PM
John Hinckley to be released! Be sure to read the whole letter.....

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental 20 facility, treating Hinckley , reports to have intercepted this past weekend:


To: John Hinckley
From: John McCain
My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,
John and Cindy McCain

PS: Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a hurricane. Thought you should know.
 romanticgal61
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 64
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Posted: 11/22/2008 10:20:40 AM
i'll have to admit...a pencil was not what was on my mind
 romanticgal61
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 66
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Posted: 12/5/2008 9:56:37 AM
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before i buy." Johnny, looking worried, said "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!"
 romanticgal61
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 70
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Posted: 12/19/2008 12:45:27 PM
a husband and wife are shopping in their local wal-mart. the husband picks up a case of budweiser and puts it in their cart. "what do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "they're on sale, only $ 10 for 24 cans," he replies. "put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. a few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $ 20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basked. "what do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "it's my face cream. it makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. her husband retorts: "so does 24 cans of busweiser and its half the price." on the pa system: cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down!
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 71
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Posted: 1/26/2009 1:50:45 PM
An American woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in America arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The American woodpecker claimed America had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.The American woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the American woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'im-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The American woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the American woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'im-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the American tree, and the American woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:



Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
 spritefire
Joined: 8/31/2006
Msg: 72
Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 3/31/2009 7:26:29 PM
I THOUGHT THAT WAS FUNNY AS S*** ,it was a cool joke
 cj37167
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 74
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Posted: 4/24/2009 2:47:10 PM
why do women fake orgasms?


Because they think we care.

Please no haters......its a joke
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 84
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Posted: 1/7/2010 1:33:50 PM
Flying on Obama's private plane (AKA: Air Force
1) Obama looked at Oprah,
chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the
window right now and make somebody very happy!"
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I
could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten People very
happy!"
Michelle added, "That being the case, I could
throw one hundred $10
bills out of the window and make a hundred
people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his
eyes and said to his
co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could
throw all of them out of
the window and make 65 million people very
happy!"

If you're one of those 65 million, pass this on!
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 85
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Posted: 1/7/2010 1:34:43 PM
Dear God,

So far this year you have taken away: my favorite singer and dancer,
Michael Jackson; my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze; my favorite actress,
Farrah Fawcett; my favorite comedian, Dom DeLuise; my favorite pitchman,
Billy Mays; and my favorite sidekick, Ed McMahon.

Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama... and my favorite
senators are Pelosi and Reid.............and my favorite Attorney General
is Eric Holder..............and my favorite Chief of Staff is Rahm
Emmanuel..........and my favorite Presidential Spokesman is Robert
Gibbs..............and my favorite state is Illinois.

Thank you!!!
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 86
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Posted: 1/7/2010 1:35:56 PM
THE HAIRCUT

A young boy had just received his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a 'C' to a 'B' Average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
 RNDB2C
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 87
Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 3/3/2010 12:36:47 AM
Came across thought was funny.
Reminds me of BEER Thirthy and 5 O'Clock somewhere.
Start Fridays most time. Maybe a few during week.


Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
 RNDB2C
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 88
Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 3/11/2010 3:49:53 AM
Thought was TRUE, but found out j/k's on me.

I'm to Sexy For My Hair, Why I'm Bald!


Also LADIES...
If he's dumb enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go.
A KICK in the AZZ as he's going out the DOOR, don't hurt either.
Very funny for YOU as he falls on his AZZ.
 RNDB2C
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 89
Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 3/12/2010 11:49:14 PM
Remember YOU voted joke in office...
Now your saying

O..One
B..Big
A...Azz
M..Mistake
A...America...

How about them campaign promises?
I'm in office now.
Not no Honest Abe.
Just from IL.
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 91
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Posted: 4/19/2010 8:18:29 PM
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.


The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'


'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.


The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.


The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?



The bee answered,








Wait for it.wait for it..







You're just gonna love this..


BP
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 92
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Posted: 4/19/2010 8:19:38 PM
You may not care about Jesse James or Sandra Bullock but .......


Jesse James,

You Stupid moron. You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world

while you were porkin' away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of s#$% that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me for a while. Let's do lunch.

~Tiger*
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 93
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Posted: 4/19/2010 8:21:21 PM
Top Ten Country Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country &Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
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