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 romanticgal61
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 64
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Jokes for Tennessee!Page 5 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
i'll have to admit...a pencil was not what was on my mind
 romanticgal61
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 66
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Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 12/5/2008 9:56:37 AM
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before i buy." Johnny, looking worried, said "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!"
 romanticgal61
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 70
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Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 12/19/2008 12:45:27 PM
a husband and wife are shopping in their local wal-mart. the husband picks up a case of budweiser and puts it in their cart. "what do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "they're on sale, only $ 10 for 24 cans," he replies. "put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. a few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $ 20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basked. "what do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "it's my face cream. it makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. her husband retorts: "so does 24 cans of busweiser and its half the price." on the pa system: cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down!
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 71
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Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 1/26/2009 1:50:45 PM
An American woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in America arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The American woodpecker claimed America had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.The American woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the American woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'im-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The American woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the American woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'im-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the American tree, and the American woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:



Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
 spritefire
Joined: 8/31/2006
Msg: 72
Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 3/31/2009 7:26:29 PM
I THOUGHT THAT WAS FUNNY AS S*** ,it was a cool joke
 cj37167
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 74
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Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 4/24/2009 2:47:10 PM
why do women fake orgasms?


Because they think we care.

Please no haters......its a joke
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 84
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Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 1/7/2010 1:33:50 PM
Flying on Obama's private plane (AKA: Air Force
1) Obama looked at Oprah,
chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the
window right now and make somebody very happy!"
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I
could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten People very
happy!"
Michelle added, "That being the case, I could
throw one hundred $10
bills out of the window and make a hundred
people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his
eyes and said to his
co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could
throw all of them out of
the window and make 65 million people very
happy!"

If you're one of those 65 million, pass this on!
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 85
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Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 1/7/2010 1:34:43 PM
Dear God,

So far this year you have taken away: my favorite singer and dancer,
Michael Jackson; my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze; my favorite actress,
Farrah Fawcett; my favorite comedian, Dom DeLuise; my favorite pitchman,
Billy Mays; and my favorite sidekick, Ed McMahon.

Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama... and my favorite
senators are Pelosi and Reid.............and my favorite Attorney General
is Eric Holder..............and my favorite Chief of Staff is Rahm
Emmanuel..........and my favorite Presidential Spokesman is Robert
Gibbs..............and my favorite state is Illinois.

Thank you!!!
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 86
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Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 1/7/2010 1:35:56 PM
THE HAIRCUT

A young boy had just received his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a 'C' to a 'B' Average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
 RNDB2C
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 87
Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 3/3/2010 12:36:47 AM
Came across thought was funny.
Reminds me of BEER Thirthy and 5 O'Clock somewhere.
Start Fridays most time. Maybe a few during week.


Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
 RNDB2C
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 88
Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 3/11/2010 3:49:53 AM
Thought was TRUE, but found out j/k's on me.

I'm to Sexy For My Hair, Why I'm Bald!


Also LADIES...
If he's dumb enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go.
A KICK in the AZZ as he's going out the DOOR, don't hurt either.
Very funny for YOU as he falls on his AZZ.
 RNDB2C
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 89
Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 3/12/2010 11:49:14 PM
Remember YOU voted joke in office...
Now your saying

O..One
B..Big
A...Azz
M..Mistake
A...America...

How about them campaign promises?
I'm in office now.
Not no Honest Abe.
Just from IL.
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 91
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Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 4/19/2010 8:18:29 PM
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.


The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'


'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.


The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.


The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?



The bee answered,








Wait for it.wait for it..







You're just gonna love this..


BP
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 92
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Posted: 4/19/2010 8:19:38 PM
You may not care about Jesse James or Sandra Bullock but .......


Jesse James,

You Stupid moron. You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world

while you were porkin' away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of s#$% that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me for a while. Let's do lunch.

~Tiger*
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 93
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Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 4/19/2010 8:21:21 PM
Top Ten Country Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country &Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
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