Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Another heart in desperate need of repair      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 26
Another heart in desperate need of repairPage 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

That little bit of hope was all I had, now it is time to fall apart. All I can do is hug the little white dog I bought her for a Christmas persent that she gave back along with the engagement ring and cry. Thought I was bigger that this.

Falling apart is an important step in the process. Quit fighting it. You need to go through a grief process for the death of your dream,just as you would for the death of a loved one.

Thought I was bigger that this.

You, sir, are as big as you need to be. I applaud your willingness to be emotionally honest with yourself, instead of trying to play "tough guy", or take a "sour grapes" attitude. You came to love late and put everything you were into that love,and it just didn't work out. It wasn't in the cards, and that hurts like hell. You need have no shame for your tears, you are absolutely entitled and they are the beginning of the road back.
Cindy O
 exiss
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 27
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 9/25/2008 4:09:50 PM
Jim, sometimes the best, albeit most painful thing is that hammer blow between the eyes, that you just experienced. I think that perhaps when hope is extinguished, it allows you to turn that corner.
If I can help bro, shoot an email....
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 9/25/2008 4:59:01 PM
That hammer blow between the eyes sure does suck. Hope some day I find another to love like that. I do fear some day she would come back to me and I don't know if I would be strong enough to tell her to get lost. Never want to go through this again, at least with her.
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:11:07 PM
Thank you everybody, I have a long way to go to get over the biggest love I ever had but this fourm was a big state to my recovery.
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 9/26/2008 12:58:23 PM
Seems I was feeling better, but this time of day is hard. I would have stopped to see her at work by now, then she would have called as soon as she got home to tell me about her day. We would have went shopping and had dinner. Now she is doing it with someone else. I NEED SOMETHING BETTER THAN XANAX. I have to find something to erase her from my head.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 31
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 9/26/2008 1:10:55 PM
You need to change your routine. If the time after work is a tough time for you, then maybe you should look for a volunteer opportunity or even a "moonlighting" part time job.

Are you anywhere near a hospital or VA facility or a home for the elderly/assisted living facility that could use a volunteer at evening meal time? A homeless shelter, a "soup kitchen"?
How about tackling a remodeling project or a "deep cleaning" or redecorating project?
Cindy O
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 9/26/2008 1:16:06 PM
If only I felt like doing something. I have a lot to do just no ambition to do it. Mind is doing too much thinking. That's why I'm here, makes me feel a little better so many nice people and keeps me somewhat busy.
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:01:01 PM
I am trying to build up some anger. THis is what my sister tells me. I wish she wasn't nice to me when we talk it might be easier. About 18 years ago about the same thing happened to me with a girl I was living with. Friends for a while after she moved out, then she found someone else but I guess I didn't love her this much. I got over it quickly. I was in College at the time and only home on the weekends and being in my 30's and in College and living in the dorms I was very busy so that helped. I really don't think I am in self-pity or sorry for myself I just generally miss her.
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 9/26/2008 8:28:33 PM
I am thinking about a therapist, do they help? Lately everything rememinds me of her when I am try to forget. The places we went, the clothes the shoes just about anything. I bought a new CORVETTE after we first met and she has been the only other person to ride in it. I have lost interest in it now, just reminds me of her. I do need help. Trying to drink myself to sleep tonight. But she is waiting every night in my dreams.
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 9/27/2008 11:57:30 AM
Thank you, heelsROS4ever very insightful. Every post no matter how simple or indepth help more that you can imagine.
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 9/30/2008 5:42:09 PM
I would like to know the answer to that one Gullible. I am trying but not much luck, even when she is with someone else now.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 37
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 10/1/2008 6:50:56 AM
“how can you get angry at someone you love”

Start by STOPPING

- stop being emotional
- stop rationalizing
- stop thinking about how much you miss them
- stop thinking only about the good parts
- stop forgetting about the way they ACTUALLY treated you.

I spent 17 years RATIONALIZING her >>> BULLSHIT
I spent another three years letting her screw me around with the very same >>> BULLSHIT

Start being logical
Start admitting how STUPID you have been to let her (or him) get away then and now with their >>> BULLSHIT

--------------

I am a computer geek and also good at making digital pictures. I make full sized (desktop size) pictures as reminders.

Now that I have removed her ***freeking ivory tower, I had her on for 20 years*** ........ things are finally starting to get logical.

I made several pictures of - Remember:

- Remember when you saw her kiss that guy on the dance floor (4 years before she fluttered off)
- Remember her answer when you ask her the next day “why did you do that - “I don’t know”

I made several of those remember when pictures and they changed on the laptop beside me every 60 seconds.

THEN ........... just about three weeks ago (YEAH it has been five years now and I was/am still fighting off the feelings)

THEN ....... the big big one hit me. The whooper of all “Remember when”

For me the big big thing for me to never ever forget is the ...........

CONDESCENDING
- the condescending looks
- the condescending words
- the condescending actions

I think the looks - the condescending looks is my way out.

NOW - finally I have boiled down all the “remember when” to that one word ...

There will be no more condescending towards me from ANYONE - not her - not work related - not from some other gal - not from anyone.

-------------

Find YOUR “remember when”

STOP - rationalizing - and the hanging on of only the good parts
START - remembering and admitting the truth

Stop their >>> BULLSHIT
 MaryEllen1252
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 38
view profile
History
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 10/1/2008 8:27:52 AM
The best way to lose the desire to do something is to stop doing it on a daily or minute to minute basis. You cant think two thoughts at the same time. Everytime this tought comes in your head discipline yourself to not indulge in it, by any distraction method possible.
Eventually you will let go of it if you really want to. The decision has to be made that you are sick of being in pain and are willing to do whatever it takes to let go of it, and then go to any length to do that.
If there was only one person in the world for us we would never find them!!!
If you are in too much of a hole to take any positive action to resolve your despair talk to your doctor about an antidepressant. IT WILL REALLY HELP.
She gave the ring back but still used you for companionship until she found xsomeone she really wanted.
Its a pleasure to feel WANTED, and there is someone out there-someone appealing to you- who will want you-be patient, and take steps to be around single women and make youself as attractive as possible.
Doing good works for others in some capacity is usually tremendously helpful.
I did what you are doing and it was a terrible waste of time and pain but I finally stopped.
Yep it was the most tremendous connection on every level that I ever had(and I was already older by then too) but he did not ultimately see my worth and replaced me with an immigrant he could more easily control. Now he's sorry and recognizes what we had was one in a million and we should have worked it out-he emailed me after a year and I was always afraid of getting an email like that- afraid I would go back-it cast a shadow over other connections I was making. But I looked at the email and I thought--F you I am not touching it- and somehow that cured me completely. Go on you tube and listen to Leonard Cohen read "A Thousand Kisses Deep" it helped cure me Ill tell ya.
Maybe youll find another girl whose wild in bed or has lots of money-start looking!!!!
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 10/1/2008 10:55:31 AM
Well it's been a bad couple of days for me. Today is the worse. Monday she called me on the phone, I didn't know it was her, calling from a mutual friends house so the caller ID fooled me. She was there doing her wash. I have a new LG front load washer and dryer and she would never come here to do wash and I have free spring water. Anyway she was just chating about nothing important. Just being friends I guess. But after the call I got some hope back, maybe she misses me, she sounded sad, said she was just tired, maybe it's not working out with whats-his-name. But by later that night and the next day I relized I was holding on the false hope. So down I went in a pit of hopelessness.
Then today it has been five years since we first went out. I did see her and mentioned the five year anniversary with no postive response just oh thanks. And now everything is reminding me of her. From the paint on the walls, the furniture, the bed and pillows, new carpet, my car, the computer I'm on, everything over the past five years she has a hand in some way or another, either being there when I bought it or picking it out or suggesting what to buy even most of my clothes. Came home from work and went to bed for a while, now just awake and depressed. Don't feel like relief will ever come. I know I am doing it to myself. Jim
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 10/1/2008 2:35:24 PM
I needed that Irish Eyez. Thanks. Do you know we never ever fought about any thing. Hope I find that again.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 41
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 10/1/2008 4:37:36 PM

Do you know we never ever fought about any thing.

Only people who don't CARE never get angry or fight. This sis sounding more and more like you were in love with her and she...well, she found you USEFUL. And I am so sorry to have to tell you this.
Now, Jim I am angry! I am angry at you for being such a patsy! I'm angry because I care about you,and I'm angry because it seems like once again I'm shown that being a decent and principled woman is useless as far as "Adventures in Modern Romance" goes,because it's the selfserving, conniving wenches that get the men.
No, don't worry, you won't find me standing in line to get a Fulltime B*tch Union Card; Ido temp/freelance b*tchery when a situation requires it,(and I am DAMN good at it ) but I wouldn't care to make it a career.
If you were so close as to be engaged, and you never fought, ONE of you didn't much care. Doesn't sound like it was you, my friend.
Cindy O
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 10/1/2008 6:16:58 PM
Today was the last day she will be in my life in any way. I promise every body here and I promise MYSELF, that is is!
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 43
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 10/1/2008 6:23:24 PM
You just made the first step .......... stick to it.

I am sick sick sick of being alone - I could pick up the phone right now and start the yadda yadda yadda with my ex wife. I could get her over here for a bOink and pizza but ......... I don't.

I am proud to say ....... I have never so much of driven by her house ..... never.
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 10/1/2008 7:05:32 PM
I feel the same, never meet anyone again, hmw1. It's really tough around here not many single woman. This one was new in town and I found her before anyone else did. I got lucky or unlucky as the case might be. I guess I was lucky to have loved and been loved the way it was at first, never felt that much love before.
About the only thing it compares to,when I was 20-21found this beautiful 16-17 year old that everyone wanted and I got her. Held on the that for a year and a half. Felt pretty bad when it ended but back when your that young it don't take long for another to fine you. You know smei-good looking fast car. Those were the days.
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 10/4/2008 7:30:27 AM
No matter what I try I can't seem to feel any better. Only feel worse. How long will this last? Can't take much nore of this. HELP
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 46
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 10/4/2008 7:58:06 AM
"How long will this last?"

I don't remember how long your relationship was but ....

I had 17 years (then three more for 20) to try to get over.

I did chit pots of research on the net.

The "experts" say it takes 1 year for each 4 years you were in the relationship.

At that time I said NO WAY - no way it will take me four years to get over her.

Well ......... yeah - that is about what it takes. It takes about 25% of the time you were in the relationship.

By me letting her hang on to me for three more years (after she fluttered off) it moved my "recovery time" from four years to five years.

I am at around the five year mark now. No joke ...... for about the last 3 months (and growing) I can actually "feel" the disconnecting.

I think it was harder for me because - we like each other a great deal. I can also "sway her thinking" - I can get her out of her "rationalizing" that she had to do in the first place. She had to convince herself to dump me in the first place. She knows that and I know that. So ..... I could "work on her" some and sway her back if I put my mind to it but ....... I don't.

So ......... I would say expect at least 25% of the time you were with her.

I did not do the "other girl" route. Many people do that. I am not interested in a casual or "settled for" relationship to help ease my pain of being alone all the time. To me it would be lying to some gal.

I dove into my work to help take my mind off it the misery.

If you don't have something to distract you ............. INVENT SOMETHING.
 exiss
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 47
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 10/4/2008 10:25:14 AM

No matter what I try I can't seem to feel any better. Only feel worse. How long will this last? Can't take much nore of this. HELP


Jim, pull up man, gain some altitude! Sometimes when a pilot get's into trouble he forgets one thing..... TO FLY THE AIRCRAFT. I think life is kinda like that, and i'm as guilty as most of not doing it, piloting my life.
I've been where you are, and it will get easier, I promise.
One aspect of your life has changed, but it's just one. Everything else that was there before, still is, and is waiting for you.
Yep, this woman has dealt you a shitty hand. Time to change your perspective and look at it with a touch, just a touch, of animosity. Don't go overboard with it.
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 10/4/2008 1:44:22 PM
Thanks exiss and teletobby8, I like that "pull up man" Don't know how bad I would be feeling if it wasn't for everyone support. Wish I lived in a bigger town wouldn't have to see her. I am doing a pretty good job of avoiding her so far.
Ron9, wish I had a best friend like you, you have been there done that. Jim
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 10/4/2008 7:27:30 PM
WE were making some marriage plans. THan she stopped talking about it and avoided talking when I would bring it up she always had a problem like you have a cat, I don't like where your house is ( 9 miles from her work) it's 38 from my work. Than we started looking at houses and couldn't find anything we liked. Yes I was going to buy a new house for her. By the time all that took place it was over a year and she gave the ring back. I tried like hell to marry her. It looks now like a good thing I didn't. Like my one friend says, You might be sitting home alone now but you could be sitting home alone with only half your stuff. Bullet dodged
 exiss
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 50
Another heart in desperate need of repair
Posted: 10/4/2008 7:47:18 PM

Like my one friend says, You might be sitting home alone now but you could be sitting home alone with only half your stuff. Bullet dodged


There ya go, another way to look at it! Or, you could be sitting alone with someone in the house with you. Been there, much worse my friend.
Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Another heart in desperate need of repair