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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > When does a relationship move to a point where "not calling" is NOT C      Home login  
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 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 14
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Insecurity and a woman who thinks her validation comes from you, I'd run the other way. Anyone who can't take a few days of not hearing from someone they don't even know and jumps to the whine that she must have done something, meaning you are an ass for not spoon feeding her self-esteem...is always going to be nagging you and whining about pretty much anything that doesn't fill that big black void where her life should be. I don't know what you are looking for in a woman, but I'd think someone that delicate should be cut loose.

I know people are going to say you should have called her, but really, you didn't and if she did more than wonder and hope you were okay, then she's ran off the rails and jumped way into a relationship you don't have together. You'd expect to hear from a boyfriend or husband, but a stranger online, not so much. It's how people act in situations like this that should be the very red flags we pay attention to. She's obviously much more needy & insecure than someone who would fit into the kind of lifestyle you have, so why beat your head against the wall trying to get along???
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 15
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/26/2008 7:44:34 AM

Unfotunately there are a lot of women (including myself) that although mind reading is not at all possible, we wish that it did! Some men (and women) see this kind of behaviour as "needy" I myself see it as having "common courtesy" whether or not this "relationship" was "casual" or not? You admit your conversations were somewhat firty and all was going good, so I can see from her point of view, that she may have said something to upset you, hence not hearing from you again, when she had no idea that you were actually going to busy for the next few days. All would have been totally in control (bad word to use but cant think of another) IF you had just mentioned somewhere in those flirty conversations, that you would'nt be able to call, as you were blah blah blah for the next whenever, and all would have been just hunky dorey and she would have been excited and happy to hear from you again, as and when you were available ..............
.. I think this way also.
It's funny how many women are so contradictory in their thinking.. changing their fundamental views on relastionships from one post to the next. How many quote "He's Just Not Into You" ad naseum.. yet when the Op comes on and relates how he demonstrated the very premise of that book... you all call the woman needy and clingy? Too funny!

You have to realize that many men/women on dating sites are not exactly fraught with genuine intent.. many have been on the receiving end of "The Fade", "The Poof", The String Along", "The Backup" etc. Sooooo, when one receives the first Red Flag warning of any of these negative online behaviours... defenses tend to go up.

Op [I think] a little reassurance.. a simple line in your last written correspondence that you'd likely not be around for a day or two would have been, at the very least, thoughtful of you and reassuring to her.
 Pink Rose Lady
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 16
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/26/2008 7:55:09 AM
More than a few relationships have gone south when expectations were not met. When she didn't hear from you for a few days, she probably thought you'd lost interest. Your excuses for not contacting her again on your days off kind of back that up.

Pink
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 17
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/26/2008 8:51:28 AM
I guess I'm just being thick, but I'm still not seeing what many others are suggesting. They had contact for 3 consecutive days. If that led her to believe that contact would continue every day henceforth, why would she not have contacted him after one day of no contact? Or two....or three? Why is the responsibility of contact solely on his shoulders?

I understand many/most women want to be pursued. He did that....initially....made first contact....and things seemed to be going fine. However, many of those same women think something along the lines of, "I called/texted you last, it's your turn." Was it in fact "her turn"? Who knows....it was more than likely way too early in this "relationship" for any kind of ground rules to have been made or communicated.

It just seems to me that there was a misunderstanding. I don't believe she was clingy/needy, but I don't agree with her waiting for three days without contact and then leaving sarcastic texts on the fourth day without previously trying to make contact herself. Likewise, I don't agree with him having contact for three consecutive days where there seems to be mutual interest and then just disappearing for 3 days without a quick, "catch up with ya in a couple days," message, either.

So OP, perhaps you could try again with the understanding that she may or may not be needy....just something time and actions will bear out eventually. But also with the understanding that she values consideration and thoughtfulness which isn't a bad thing either. JMO.




~ds~
 Fun_e1978
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 18
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/26/2008 8:56:59 AM
You're not dating her, you don't owe it to her to check your messages every hour. However, if you were willing to set the baseline at chatting it up with her every day, she probably came to expect it from you.

It sounds like she was peeved, and that could be a sign of neediness. You have to figure out if, given the other qualities you see in her, you are still interested in the person as a whole to look past that.

Rather than being defensive, you could just ask why she felt a certain way and then just LISTEN. We men rarely do that enough.

Good luck.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 19
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/26/2008 9:53:46 AM

He exhibited the classic example of "not interested enough to care", and so many ladies posters came to his defense and called OP's victim needy and clingy.
I agree.. as I stated in my earlier post.

If the girl in the Oposters scenerio had given her side of the story.. all those calling her needy would have said "He's just not that into you" "he's playing you" " he's insensitive. "move on, kick him to the curb" Yet when the guy posts .. they call her Needy and Clingy and justify his behaviour. It's laughable really!
 smileee4u
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 20
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/26/2008 11:06:25 PM
She overcompensated for you. She is angry with herself. She got "carried away" and gave you "all she's got". She probably waited by the text, and got more excited and more excited, then FELT LIKE A FOOL, when you dropped the conversation. She is embarrassed and humbled by her extravagant feelings for you. She probably fantasized about you, and thought about you quite a bit. She has the "feeling", the timing was right for her, even though it was only texting and phoning. She feels stupid. She feels slighted, because her feelings for you were stronger. She has lost face with you. So, she says What Ever.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 21
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/27/2008 6:32:54 AM
Elaine.. I didn't say I agreed with them .. I said that that, that's what they would be saying... I've read them say it.

Having never met each other, I agree with you.. he owes her fvck all. However; if you listen to the ladies who think that the book "He's Just Not Into You" is the bible.. The Op's actions are a classic example of the title. He chatted with her everynight while at work and then when he had time off and an opportunity to actually meet with her, he blew the opportunity and went out with friends from work instead... In otherwords; he demonstrated that He just wasn't into her. According to the book..

My Post was directed more towards the hypocrisy of some gals thinking and how they have actually justified this man's behaviour by calling this woman needy and clingy. It's just as evident that she was feeling vulnerable because he appeared to be blowing her off.

In my book, no matter how you perceive this scenerio; Common courtesy.. has nothing to do with "owing" anybody anything whether one's met each other ot not
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 22
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 10/7/2008 2:47:59 PM

Anyone feel I am being selfish in thinking that I didn't owe her to the extent of making a point to contact her and tell her that I wouldn't be around for a few days?

No, of course you didn't OWE her anything...but if you were interested in growing this connection, letting her know you were going to be out of touch for 2 or 3 days would have been a nice gesture.
Particularly with online connections( but it happens in connections made OFF line as well) there is such a huge "flake off" factor, with both genders, or so I'm told.( I don't date women). She probably figured you just another "lookylou big talker,no action" kinda guy.
If I've started exchanging electronic communications with a guy that might at least make it to the starting line, I make it a point to let him know if I am going to be out of contact for a few days. Particularly if it's still in the "written" stage. (emails/IMs/texts, smoke signals, jungle drums, Morse code,whatever!)
so no, you OWED her nothing. But that little "above and beyond" of letting her know you were going to be busy/out of communication for a few days might have helped your cause.
Cindy O
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 23
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 10/7/2008 4:38:25 PM
So it's been almost 2 weeks.....what happened, OP?





~ds~
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 24
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 10/7/2008 4:51:34 PM
DS, my guess is that the answer is obvious - he never called again.
 KLeighHeart
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 25
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 10/8/2008 11:02:41 AM
I totally feel ya.. but I was on the other end of it...I had actually chatted with and talked on the phone with this man... for like 3 weeks... having great conversation .. I mean like 5-6 hours at a time.. talking about anything and everything... My issue with him at first was that he was a trucker... I from his profiles and conversations he seemed to be on the level...I trusted his word.... but we had actually met... He made the effort 3 times to come a see me... then out of state.. bad reception... I admit .. I did call.. maybe too much .. but at first was mostly :wondeing if you got a signal ... give me a call when you get a min: then wondering if your ok.. hadnt heard anything ... Granted in the time we were talking he did happen to have an accident.. so I was generally concerned... but still nothing...
I know I sometimes come off as being needy... not so much more than someone to talk to and since He was the top of the list.. interested in him.. spent time with him... sure thats who I wanted to talk to...but about a week of that...not knowing not hearing.... well Im over it and started to talk to someone one else ...( other posts- dating a trucker... long distant relation ships...come to mind ) I think my intentions just to hear from him was a little misinterperated and I didnt get to have that conversation with him...Im still a little mift about it... and hope he comes across my post...Man up.. its just a conversation.. but anyhoo... I understand when you get to know a person..its true... its the excitement...of something new... the prospect...I myself have had to deal with it both sides... not wanting to be hurt.. feeling like your putting your heart out there a bit... and Idont want to hurt anyone but .. Wow! flash just now.... sometimes you just have to cut loose.... Geeze... its different when you think aobut it ... and think about what you want to type and say about it.. I am always seeing something new..... you have to be careful when dealing with some people... they dont always bounce back so easily... Im over it but I still try to say hi to him and talk... at least that last conversation.. thats my m.o. but again... I try to see the good in most things.. if I feel your a friend... I want to know..ok so what happened... sorry to ramble but felt I needed to share as you had to start this one in the first place.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 26
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 10/8/2008 11:22:12 AM

Maybe I just want some validation, or a woman's perspective. I don't feel that I did anything wrong. Our conversation was definately flirty, and she was the kind of woman that I might want to pursue and date. But we had only talked for three days and there was no "relationship" other than a casual acquaintanceship.

Anyone feel I am being selfish in thinking that I didn't owe her to the extent of making a point to contact her and tell her that I wouldn't be around for a few days?


Yep, I just checked. I'm a woman.

So, hey how about females with real boobies and ovaries and everything, give you the low down on females instead of MEN who believe they know what a woman wants, thinks, and feels.

Ok?

Sweet!

I don't think you were wrong at all.
Period.
Most normal human's have a life.
Most people work.
Most people understand how things can go from calm and steady to hell in a hand basket.

Do I think you could have made an effort to communicate with her the two days you were off work and hanging with your friends?

Well, I think if you had been REALLY into her - you would have.

But clearly you weren't.
So she wasn't on your mind those two days, she was only on your mind while you were at work and bored on the computer.

That's ok.
Sometimes that is how it is.

If you'd been all up in her - you would have contacted her.
You weren't.
It's ok.

I think she was out of line to call you on it.
She should have simply stayed quiet.

Maybe you would have contacted her again, when you got back around to it, maybe not. Then would have been the time for her to say if she thought you had been rude or not.

And you might have offered an explanation.

The truth is this folks, both MEN and WOMEN - when you're REALLY into someone?
You can't stop yourself.
You think of them.
You imagine being with them.
If you're communicating you don't just stop for a week and then go: "oh yeah, I was digging this person"

It just doesn't happen like that and we all know it.

You weren't that into her. Ok. No obligation.
Was she needy and rash?
Who knows. Who cares. She felt something so her feelings are legitimate. We can't say they were wrong - they are HER feelings.

Just move on.
Game over on that one.

Next time if she matters to you, you might take a moment to let her know.
Otherwise....we don't read minds.

I think if you're honest you'll just admit that while you were enjoying it - you weren't all into her.

I wouldn't be after that little amount of time either, but some people fall fast and just know.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 27
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 10/8/2008 12:14:56 PM

(or actually dating other woman, after all he's in over 40 woman's favorite list).

So? Do you feel cheated?


The OP is a playa

Because he didn't maintain a barrage of communication with this gal whom he'd had some electronic "conversation". Because he HAS buddies, and apparently a LIFE?

I think I'll join the army so I can flirting with woman at work, and other woman cheering me on.

Well, good luck with that. Somehow, if your real life mindset is anything like the one you display here, you might have difficulty with certain aspects of qualifying for military service.
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 28
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 10/8/2008 3:21:08 PM
Mesg 71
With all due respect...they chatted a few times online, or by phone/text, whatever. Your post makes it sound like he left he standing at the altar! How could this lady "dump" someone she never met in person, let alone dated or had a relationship with.

she spent 3 days wondering if he fell off the face of the earth while he was out having fun
Well then the more fool her. If the were actually DATING and something like this happened, I could understand her being worried or upset. But a short term flirtation via electronic communication?
Yes, it would have been a nice gesture if the OP had mentioned to the lady that he might be out of contact for a few days. It's those little gestures that help some men be successful at dating and relationships, but some of them need firsthand experiences to GETthat.
No, he did not do anything WRONG. He could,however, have handled the situation differently and might have had a better outcome. I expect he KNOWS that now.
Y'know, I pretty much have developed a very very ambivalent attitude about dating,and relationships. The scenarios of exchanging emails, IMs, phone calls intensely for several days, followed by the guy falling off the planet, or getting all pissy if I'm offline or not available for daily chitchat,has gotten to be such a routine occurrence that I just can't get worked up about it anymore. Or even real life scenarios of a guy being all anxious to date, get involved, but then" getting scared"....Yah well, that's how it goes, c'est la vie.
And then I see these angry, clingy women having hissy fits about a guy they "know" from a couple of online or phone convo, stepping back for WHATEVER reason, immediately branding the guy as a "player", or just simply worthless,and I can begin to UNDERSTAND why so many guys are so reluctant to attempt any kind of connection, or why they "flake off" at the slightest thing.
I actually looked at this benighted topic originally because I thought it was about a REAL relationship that had run into a confusionary situation. But then I see it's about a few electronic fliratious communications, and I'm thinking...WTF??
Folks, common usage/popular vernacular deems "relationship" as when you actually have MET the person and are romantically involved in some way, be it regular dates, all the way to planning the wedding. You can't have, or "be in"a "relationship with someone you've had a few electronic communications, or phone calls.
Clarity, people! Clarity of communication.
Cindy O
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 29
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 10/8/2008 3:57:35 PM

^^^....and were enjoying do it....then boom nothing...so she probably didn't think much of it the first day....then the second day she was probably starting to wonder hmmm is he busy, did I offend him....but really unsure....but by the third day she was probably thinking well obviously I was reading more into our conversations then he was....if he's busy but thinking about me he has my cell # he could send a quick message but since he hasn't it must not be that important to him

Okay, just going by the OP's statements, I haven't read anywhere that she suffered a terrible accident at work and both her hands were cut off disabling her from CALLING OR TEXTING HIM. In fact, just the opposite....after 3 days of him not contacting her, she did leave messages.....so she was perfectly able and capable of doing it during the 3 days you say she was sitting there pining away for him and constantly wondering what could possibly have gone wrong.....working herself up to this state of frenzy where she finally had enough and left the condescending messages.

Yep, he sure could have let her know. The cool thing about phones these days though, is that EITHER party can actually dial out on them now.





~ds~
 clueless65
Joined: 9/3/2008
Msg: 30
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 10/8/2008 8:36:01 PM
Whatever you do end it with this woman. She sounds like a crazy obsessive person. If you continue this relationship she'll get worse. She sounds way too needy.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 31
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 6/6/2009 10:38:01 AM
Well, you didn't owe her anything but you evidently hurt her feelings.

I don't know if you were clear about your work schedule or mentioned that sometimes you do actually work at work and might get busy and not be able to chat. You could have told her that you were headed for your two days off, had plans and hoped she might be free to talk when you return to the job.

You also didn't like her that much or you would have texed her on your days off, said, hey out blowing some steam with the guys from work but wanted to say hi. Guys actually do that when they are interested and if she is seriously looking around here?

Guys (and gals) disappear in the blink of an eye and you never hear from them again. So from her perspective, you have crammed a couple of months of dating communication wise into several days and then poof.

Shame that she actually liked you otherwise she wouldn't give a shit. If you liked her, perhaps you should have actually set up a meet to see if there was anything to pursue and figured out whether she really was a whackjob or just disappointed to have spent some much time talking to you, perhaps anticipating meeting, only again for the poof.

She stays around for a while she will become conditioned to this and you will find the next woman you talk to for hours and hours really won't give a shit what you are doing on your days off.

Unless he went for a really younger woman, many women approaching 50 still subscribe to fairly old fashioned values when it comes to dating, at least initially, that it is inappropriate for a woman to contact the man, that it seems like chasing, etc.
 blue m
Joined: 3/25/2009
Msg: 32
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 6/6/2009 1:13:34 PM
Well I’m the other side of the fence and I need some advice myself from a men perspective. I have been seeing this guy for a little over a month ,we went out ,talked on the phone a few times a day until one Friday when we sad good night …talk to you tomorrow ..after that he just disappeared !!!!

I do have his number at work ,at home ,and cell and it seems that he goes to extremes not to talk to me lol .For the first few days I left really nice messg just asking him to call me back and let me know he’s OK that ‘s all …nothing ..to the point were I started checking the obituaries, until now day when I saw him driving .

Now of course I’m asking my self what happed ,did I do something ,can he just have the courtesy to say I think we should stop because …..?????

Maybe I should mention that I did not date for 6 years after my divorce manly because I have 2 kids that I wanted to make the situation a bit easier and also wanted to make sure that I ‘m ready…..this was the first person I dated ..I have to ask my self ..What the hell?

Maybe this is a normal thing to do …I have been out of the dating scene for a long time ,don’t know how to play head games ,not even sure what they are !!!!!

Is it that bad to be honest now ?
 2hi-iq-4u
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 33
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 6/6/2009 7:43:14 PM
OP was in Sept, 2008. Why the bump?

I could have answered the OP in one word:

Neurotic.
 bluesunshine_33
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 34
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 6/6/2009 7:46:55 PM
You didn't do anything wrong, don't be silly.

She's high maintenance.... simple as that...

Can you imagine if you DID have a relationship with her? Yikes!
 lbiker
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 35
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 6/6/2009 8:08:52 PM
Hey op

Lets see 3 emails, flirty info..both showed interest.
You might be interested in dating this lady..
She got upset that you didn't call for 3 days? So you post on POF asking who's right , who's wrong?

I think you are extremely insecure. Why are you feeling quilty? What really happened ? I can't imagine being so overconcerned about 3 conversations, with her, and now you are freaking about who is right? It was only 3 conversations..

Lbiker
 2hi-iq-4u
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 36
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 6/6/2009 9:35:38 PM
Scat,

I understand the rule is so people will add to an older thread with a related question.

I don't see a related question. I see somone bumping the thread to respond to an 8 month old case of a neurotic behavior that is likely resolved by now.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 37
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 6/6/2009 11:42:51 PM

I don't see a related question. I see somone bumping the thread to respond to an 8 month old case of a neurotic behavior that is likely resolved by now.

People get bored and dig up old threads and there was a woman a few posts above what I quoted that is currently experiencing this.

The point of recycling the topics is that they don't apply to just the one particular situation so whether it is currently helping someone that has asked or adding an opinion to an existing thread, it can be helpful to those reading it in a similar situation.
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 38
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 6/7/2009 2:07:46 AM
Maybe I just want some validation, or a woman's perspective.

Well OP, the way I see it is this. Your on & off line communication shows how differently we are wired (men & women). You were available 3 nights in a row - endless time on hands to chat (and being paid for it ) and there has been some substance to your conversation as she wondered as to why suddenly there was a silence. Does that mean that you enjoyed, flirted and showed interest in her only when there was nothing better to do?

IMO, the best thing you could do is to get together face to face, explain to her your work pattern, pros & cons your work entails and also how you feel about her.
There has been never harm in being honest.

P.S.
I agree with msg 83
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