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 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 82
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Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?Page 2 of 56    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
If you cannot participate in what is considered 'normal' for a lot of people then you still have work to do with your therapy, and need to understand that guys that are not bad men will consider it a dealbreaker. But I am sure there are men out there that would accept it knowing your explaination.
I cannot imagine any of the men I have been with being able to do without forever though.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 85
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Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 10:30:23 AM
Let's talk about the elephant sitting in the middle of the bedroom...

If a man enjoys oral sex (and most do, at least a little as foreplay) he is going to learn to resent not ever getting them and on top of it, having to never get one because of past baggage that a plethora of people carry and get over and move on without drawing the line at something most find highly enjoyable. Sex may be only part of a relationship but lack of a favored sex act is going to consume the relationship negatively.

Another poster asked the OP if that meant she also did not ever want to receive oral, I don't think she answered that but that would also be a huge potential resentment to be giving but not receiving while someone blames some past abuse that carries over into a relationship. I know many many women who have used an excuse to not give but who insist on receiving, just as there are men who do this and yes, almost every time, it's the cause of resentments that ruined the relationship and often was the excuse for a partner to find it outside of the relationship.

There are men, of course, who do not want oral sex and there are men who would be willing, without resentment, to never get it even though they'd want it, but for the most part, it's never a good idea to give up something you know darn well you are going to want and will become resentful over time for not getting, just to be in a relationship with someone you 'think' you could give up anything for in a moment of early excitement. I would never enter into a relationship where I knew I could not/would not do something that the person really wanted from me. I'm not in of the mindset that martyr-ism is healthy in a relationship.

As for the forgiving the abuser, what a crock of chit, some people have to do that because they are always thinking they must be guilty somehow. When you come to understand that the abuser is the sole guilty one and that that person deserves all the baggage and all the blame and can remove yourself from that guilt, then you don't need to forgive anyone, you need to realize you were a victim, you are not a victim now and you don't have to carry the guilt. This guilt that an abused child carries is the killer, it's not the forgiving someone who deserves no forgiveness that frees you, it's learning that you were not the problem, that is what frees you. We straddle people with more and more emotional damage with this forgiveness crap. You don't have to forgive yourself either, you were a child you didn't do anything, you need to hand the baggage to the people it belongs to. A child abuser of any sort doesn't need forgiveness, hell why not just give them a the key to the city, they need to be removed from society and any chance of ever being around a child again. Forgiveness, give me a frigging break.
 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 88
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:30:30 AM

...if you have a guy that you think you are going to lose because you won't perform fellatio than he is probably not worth keeping.


Could you explain why that is? Because he is a poor man, or because they aren't sexually compatable? I can agree with the latter. The former is moronic. Everyone has things they don't want to do without in their sex life. Could you forgo the best part of sex from your perspective? Whatever that is.

Hopefully, a woman isn't withholding vital information like this until after a man falls in love with her. We should know up front that oral isn't going to be happening. That way, nobody gets hurt because of a lie of omission. If a woman waits until I'm in love with her, then hits me with the, "Oh, I don't do oral.", I'm not going to leave her because of it. I bet that when things start getting rough in the relationship (Everybody has their ups and downs.) that I'll be less interested in working things out, if the sex isn't good. That's just the way it works. I've never left a relationship because she didn't perform oral. I think I was less inclined to work things out when other issues came up though.


I personally don't have a problem with it, especially if he is going down and I enjoy it and need it sometimes


So, if a man you weren't in love with told you he didn't eat at the Y, you wouldn't have second thoughts or move on? You said, "sometimes you need it." You wouldn't feel frustrated that he wouldn't pleasure you in the ways you like? Even if you loved him? Not couldn't, "wouldn't."


I usually don't give a guy a blow job unless I am unusually horny, or I really like him. Not to say that I sleep around that much at all. I don't like to give anyone anything that expects it either.


I can understand and respect that; but, I don't think I've ever asked a woman to perform fellatio. I've never just pushed her head where I wanted it either... (Well, not out of frustration at least.) If she does, then I'm in heaven. If she rarely does, or never does, or does it like she feels like she has to, I'm not happy. I'm going to not want to have sex as often, either. Especially if other areas are lacking as well. Which is why I like BJs in the first place.


Your man would love the fact that you are hesitant with the masses and have gotten out of your shell "just for him". Who doesn't like that special attention that is saved "just for him". :)


Can't argue with that. I agree.
 duckling
Joined: 2/28/2006
Msg: 90
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:50:29 AM
It wouldn't be a problem with me for a woman I was dating. But, I would be reluctant to marry or plan anything long term with a woman with any sort of sexual hang-up. There have been things that women I dated were really in to, that I wasn't crazy about, but sex is a two way street. Sometimes we need to put our lovers needs ahead of our own. In my experience, satisfying someone else's desires usually ends up reaping incredible rewards.
 duckling
Joined: 2/28/2006
Msg: 91
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:20:02 PM
I think that IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE we should all have to categorize what we expect in a healthy sexual relationship. We could have "Women that don't perform oral", "Men that don't recieve oral", "Guys that need an annual BJ", "Women who prefer doggy", "Doggy's who prefer women" and the "Totally slutty" sections. I'm thinking that women who love everything will be the most popular, but it's all guess work until POF makes the categories essential and collects the scientific data.
 who me noway
Joined: 3/14/2007
Msg: 92
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:27:04 PM
Yikes Mr Look..
give it another try. some women LOVE doing it and do it extremely well..
 Ben Evelent
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 94
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:29:17 PM
I don't like them. I want to be the one giving that kind of pleasure.
 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 96
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:38:34 PM
Let me try to understand what you are asking....hmmm... First, what did I say that had anything to do with how much money he has? I hate it when people answer questions with questions but I can't seem to figure out how you got the "dollar" into play on what I said. Yea, the former is moronic and that spewed out of your moronic head.




Poor = not good. A bad man. That was a "poor" choice of words on my part. You missed my point on just about everything I said. I'll keep things more simple if I ever reply to one of your comments again.
 lil red corvette
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 97
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Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:41:16 PM
I am more concerned with your chilhood abuse and any partner should be too.

Tell him about the abuse and if he doesn't understand , run as fast as you can !
 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 100
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:46:44 PM

If a woman can deal with a man who won't go down on her, a man can deal with a woman who won't give him a blowjob.



And if his options are so poor that he has to, he will.
 Gangster Kitten
Joined: 4/3/2008
Msg: 104
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 1:07:45 PM

If a woman can deal with a man who won't go down on her, a man can deal with a woman who won't give him a blowjob.


But I quite enjoy the prospect of going down on a woman. So what about me?

As for the OP: sorry about your history, sounds like a touchy subject. But just off-handedly it sounds like you got dealt a bad hand on so many levels. It would make you sexually incompatible with a lot of guys.

Would I dislike the idea of never getting a BJ? Probably yes, and a relationship like that wouldn't get far enough to where it wouldn't matter to me. That said, it takes a lot of guts to date a woman with a history of abuse, as the sexual component of the relationship is about 1000x harder on both man and woman in the situation.





And to the above poster. Could you be with a man who didn't want sex of any kind ever? Who wanted to be with you but no sex ever, period? After all, it's just a simple sex act.
 Grider1
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 107
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 1:24:29 PM
This no blowjob talk is very distressing. I can't live in a world where I don't get them often. Oh wait that is my world ....................now I'm sad! Anyway if I can be slightly serious blowjobs are very important in any relationship I'm in. I could lie but there really isn't any point.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 110
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Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 1:39:42 PM
Maybe we can add the question to Profiles right under 'Do you own a car?'
Does she or Doesn't she?
 tideliner
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 112
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 1:48:07 PM
^^^^

Carolanne makes my day again! .

Yes. I could deal with it. As long as you can deal with sulky, passive aggressive, snotty behaviour. hahaha. JK.

If one has been married a long time, one knows the answer to the question. We might not like it, but we can deal with it. Other things can make up for it.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 115
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 2:14:27 PM
I wont give blowjobs. They can accept it and be with me, but if they REALLY care that much about some sexual act, are they even worth your time? I vote no.


Would you date a man if he wouldn't give you oral sex or perform some other sexual activity that you really liked?
 jackster121
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 121
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Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 6:02:00 PM
There is something almost unexplainable about your woman making love to your penis with her mouth. It's an act of love. It's an act just for your pleasre. Although my second wife gave really bad ones, they were still blowjobs. Also, a man knows whether it is an obligatory BJ or one out of passion and want. Obligatory are very unsatisfying.
 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 123
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 7:18:38 PM
There is a politically incorrect word that I used in another forumn that is just on the tip of my tongue. I know this is wrong, but you are a retard. Dude....your opinions edge idiocracy. What? Do you say shit to just say it or does anything spewing out of you mean anything? (BTW-I think that "rolling the eyes" icon looks too happy-I am actually rolling my eyes and squinting about what an idiot I think you are. Way to represent Carolina. :)


Opinions vary. What's always impressed me with you, is how beautiful you are on the inside. I'd match wits with you, but I'm obviously not in your league.
 Gangster Kitten
Joined: 4/3/2008
Msg: 125
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 7:54:52 PM

Kitten, you're equating not giving blowjobs to no sex of any kind?


Yes, because the logic you use allows for the comparison to be made. EG: Just a sex act.
 lastbat13
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 126
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Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 7:59:14 PM
Jen, it all depends on the man. I really like oral sex so it would be a deal breaker for me. Some men aren't that keen on oral and they would be great for you - as you have already seen. Just be up front about it (you don't have to say why) when it comes up and let the chips fall where they may.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 128
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Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 8:40:14 PM
Obviously, some of the men on here have never been sexually assaulted...or had a penis forcibly shoved down their throat...the lack of empathy some men on the forums seem to have for a female perspective of things is discouraging at best...you don't have to date someone who isn't into BJ's...but, to belittle someone's experience, or tell her to just "get over it"..is unbelievably mean, and expresses some selfishness on their parts...

For those men who think this is a case of not wanting to out of pique, spite or selfishness..you obviously lack not only understanding, but empathy as well. Sometimes , even when someone makes the best efforts to deal with a traumatic event, and even , for the most part has dealt with it...some specific things may still bring memories flooding back...very unpleasant ones, that ruin the experience for both parties.

There is a huge difference between not doing something sexual because you just "don't care for it", and not doing it because it literally is a very unpleasant experience, or a huge turn off...for, whatever reason...I don't think anyone of any gender should be expected to be forced or coerced into doing something they just can't enjoy...it is supposed to be enjoyable isn't it?

Personally, male or female, any person who is obsessed with only one aspect of sexual behavior has a problem of their own. I have often wondered if some men would trade intercourse for BJ's....great for them...somewhat of a rip off for women..and don't get me wrong...I think they are great...except when they become an entitlement issue, or all the guy cares about..now, that is selfish...

Op..if you are even still around after some of the abuse slung your way...I have known men who love them, who could take them or leave them..and even a few who actually hate them...I'm sure you could find someone who is in one of the latter two groups, or, there are also guys, who given the situation, would be understanding about it...and who actually would be willing to come to compromises that worked for both of you...and who believe that love and sex are a shared experience...

And keep in mind....the POF population, especially the forums, are not really representative of the population as a whole...there seems to be a skewed percentage on here that think that a woman's only value is what she does for him sexually...or, that somehow , their needs have more weight than yours...
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 132
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:40:55 PM

Yes, it's supposed to be enjoyable. So, why do you expect men will remain in a relationship where sex is not enjoyable?


What OTHER enjoyable aspects will a woman be required to participate in or expect him to leave?

And does this work both ways?

Laundry isn't always enjoyable. Should I leave when his stained briefs begin to lack pleasurable feelings for me?


So, a woman who is obsessed with NOT giving BJs has a problem. We agree on that.


The OP has already confessed that due to her sexual abuse as a child she has issues. Are you trying to be uncaring and crass?


What's so strange about it? After all, women around here seem to think that only their needs are important.


Really? If this is how you feel - why would you remain here?
I dont' think it's accurate.
And I don't believe you meant it.

However, you put it out here....so?

Why is it that no one within this thread has been able to discuss this topic without personalizing it, seeing it as gender bashing, taking it to personal attacks and giving in to your own issues which cause you to behave badly and say things that really - aren't relevent or that you mean?

Many of you that have posted here have done so out of ire, and anger and your own personal issues about a topic that really is quite personal and this young woman was seeking help.

Instead it became a bash and trash fest of all of YOUR issues.

How about some compassion?
How about acting like humans and adults?

Oh, wait, I have unrealistically high expectations.
I forgot.


Ok go back to beating each other senseless and being crewd and cruel with no reason or regard for other's experiences - painful as they may have been.

I mean really - who the hell cares what this young woman went through and survived - after all it's all about the real issue that matters isn't it?

Blow jobs.
Who will, who won't and why it should be mandatory.
doh.
 jitsuman
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 138
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/1/2008 4:17:27 AM
Nope, you sound like you're smart.

Anytime someone says "I'll NEVER do that" alarms should be ringing in your head. Baggage ahead! (get it.. a 'head'?)
 polskalady
Joined: 5/9/2008
Msg: 140
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Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/1/2008 4:47:43 AM
I agree with Mr.Look, if a man really cares and has respect, he shouldnt push you , sex is something for both to be happy with.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 141
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Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/1/2008 8:36:54 AM
Funny how all you old women stick together


Well, see..that's the thing about us "old" women.. we have been around for such a long, long, time that we actually learned some things..one of which may be that love can conquer all? And meanness is unnecessary...


No. I'm trying to balance that "if a man doesn't want to live without receiving BJs, he has a problem" attitude.


Actually, rockhunter, maybe I didn't express it properly ( though I did say if they are important to you, don't date women who don't agree)...my objection isn't to men who find them vital to a sexual relationship..my objection is to vilifying a woman who doesn't agree..especially in a case where something beyond her control, and very traumatic is at the root of the problem...and I didn't look at her profile, but, I believe she is still very young too, time and the right guy..and things may change.

These men could have just as easily just said...they are too important to me to give up..period. Or added something like " but, all men are not alike", so don't pin your expectations on what some say. Or, I'm sorry that happened, and good luck..I don't know..anything but trying to make her feel bad because of something that was beyond her control and isn't easy to deal with or get over. Basically saying that anyone who doesn't get with "their " program is a bad person/woman. She asked for a simple answer, not a psychoanalysis by people who have no clue what it's like, or an attack on her position.

I have no problem with sexual preferences , and obviously compatibility is important for both genders..I do have a problem with "my way or the highway " from either gender...or judgments when one disagrees...


So, a woman who is obsessed with NOT giving BJs has a problem. We agree on that.


There are some men who are obsessed with them..just a general observation..and those who are would obviously not be a good match for her...being admamant about what you find uncomfortable, isn't the same as being single focused on one aspect of sex, especially one that is passive...


What's so strange about it? After all, women around here seem to think that only their needs are important.


Sweeping generalization much?.lol..I have read enough of your posts, that I probably shouldn't engage, and in a battle of who can be the most insulting, I would probably lose...however, some women think that...some men also think that..and from a female perspective, since I date men...I just avoid those who are like that..and I would comment that on POF, since things get magnified all the time..it is often an overreaction to being in a relationship where they weren't met...and just as many men as women have these experiences and complaints...from my end of the pond, many men feel the same way....


What is this, a contest of who can give LESS and still get a boyfriend?


Not for me...in my experience it was the other way around...and I think that sometimes you may mistake being accepted as who we are as saying we want to give less...

 jeeperspeepers
Joined: 12/23/2007
Msg: 145
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/1/2008 9:25:12 AM
{"OP - you are you and if something about you - bothers others ........ that is their problem - not your problem.
With that being said - perhaps sometime in the future - you and a very special man in your life .........
May find (thru exploring each others specialness) may make some discoveries that you never even dreamed about.
The two need to be very very special - very committed - very real to each other - very honest with each other ......... but sex with the right person is very very different. You almost become one. Sometimes making someone feel so very special to you - is very nice indeed.
You are special ... someday you will be very special to some young man. Try to reserve your thinking until someone is special to you."



Wonderful answer. I agree wholeheartedly with this post. Doesn't answer the original OPs question, but much more insightful than just an answer.

ron9 - wish you lived closer to me, I like a man that thinks like you.
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