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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?      Home login  
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 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 57
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Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

I can't love anyone I don't respect, which means I can't be friends with someone I don't respect.


This is interesting. Are there people out there who love people who they don't respect, except possibly their own children? Same thing with loyalty and mutual respect? I would think any relationship lacking those components would be rather defective...
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 58
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 12/17/2009 9:40:14 AM
Well yeah I think I do, but I don't necessarily expect my friends
to be good in bed.
But kudos to them if they are.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 59
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Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 12/17/2009 9:45:30 AM
Well, there are some biological aspects to being in love, and we have had previous discussion about them. Sexual fidelity is neither a prime factor in love relationships, nor a particularly determining one. Many people are quite loyal to their mates by are not sexually faithful.

The respect issue is also one I see as being problematic. Its a person's psychological viewpoint that determines whether respect is there or not. You can surely respect a person but not approve of their behaviour. I think that people outside of a love relationship can look at something like alcoholism or drug addiction and have no respect to the addicted person because of their own judgments about these matters, but the person inside the relationship may well have a lot of respect for the person while recognizing that they have some personal problem.

There is lots of evidence that sexual infidelity is a pretty common phenomenon, and while some societies, like ours, place that behaviour as being not respectful, its certainly not a universal view. Even if it is granted that it shows a lack of respect to the other partner, love can still be based solidly on the respect that partner has for the other. I think it would come down to the values each person has.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 60
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 12/17/2009 1:58:26 PM

They have to put up with me, and keep me laughing.


Pretty good there I do like your criteria a whole lot.. If he does not make me laugh usually a no go for me. Let's face it if he will not put up with my crazy antics there is no hope either.

thecatsmeoww
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 61
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Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 12/17/2009 3:19:37 PM
"Sexual fidelity is neither a prime factor in love relationships, nor a particularly determining one. "

On my planet that is not reality.

Fidelity is respect. I would never disrespect my partner with infidelity, nor would I accept it.

On my planet, people who pick the right mate don't need indidelity.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 62
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 12/17/2009 6:49:47 PM
All my true freinds have qualities that I admire, respect and adore. Granted no one is perfect, everyone has their little idosyncracies, but so do I.
Their is a proberv that goes like this: "When you lay down with snakes you wake up with fang marks on your neck". Simple but true, I pick people that I would gladly give my last cup of water to, and I have confidence that they would do the same.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 63
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 12/18/2009 2:52:03 AM

Sexual fidelity is neither a prime factor in love relationships, nor a particularly determining one. Many people are quite loyal to their mates by are not sexually faithful.


Indeed and many men have numerous wives as well and father children with all of them as well. While other people may enjoy having an open marriage.

However in our society this may well not fly with a lot of us. So certainly something one should discuss before getting too involved..

thecatsmeoww
 MustangRedGrandma
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 64
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 1/10/2010 2:11:52 PM
No. We can be friends with anyone. Our date, however, is our potential partner. And, to be successful and healthy we do require someone that has a moral code that is similiar to our own.

I have pretty good credit, for example, so why would I want a partner that owes money to everyone and has difficulty paying his bills? It is more headache than what it is worth! But, as a friend I would help that person learn to budget their money & pay their bills promptly.

With a date, we are looking for a Partner to share our lives day in and day out and work toward common goals. A friend we just enjoy for a few hours occasionally and we can have conflicting goals.

Good thread -- promotes some thought!
 Mon Cherie
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 65
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 1/10/2010 2:52:52 PM
Interesting thread.

I like to think I apply the same criteria to choosing friendships as I do for a relationship but I think I am somewhat more lenient with friends than I would be with a mate. I think it depends on what the criteria is.

For example, some of my friends smoke and I don't care (except I know it's bad for them) but I don't want to date a smoker . Mind you I don't kiss my friends like I would kiss my mate either.

I have some pretty chatty gal pals and I love that about them, but with a mate, if it tuned into long term or even co-habitating I don't necessarily want someone being chatty ALL the time. I need a balance of chatting and quiet time. My chatty gal pals won't be around day in and day out.

More serious character traits like abusive or controlling personality types would not be tolerated as either a friend or a mate.

I would never tolerate cheating by a mate but when I caught one of my friends cheating on her boyfriend I remained her friend (for a while). I did tell her I did not agree with her behaviour. I also never felt the same about her after that even though I tried to just keep the friendship going. However that friendship fizzled and I always wondered if it was because I totally detest cheaters so I was different around her and if she may have saw me as a threat to her relationship as I knew her secret. Who knows. I did learn from that experience that I don't want that kind of friend in my life anyways.

I gravitate to people who have similar integrities and values as I do - whether it is as friends or as a potential mate. I have a large circle of friends and no two are the same but they all have similar values and integrities. That is also what I look for in a mate.

Hmm, after some thought, I guess I have been more lenient on acceptable character criteria for developing friendships than for mates so that gives me something to think about. I will however, never compromise on some criteria, whether it is for friend potential or for mate potential.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 66
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 1/11/2010 1:40:16 AM

So do we compromise our principles for the sake of friendship, yet be uncompromising when it comes to love?


I think we don't consider it a compromise on principles when we are talking about friendships.. I know I do not expect my friends to have the same principles I do.. Most of my friends share a common interest with me and that is the reason for that particular friendship..

In love we are very willing to make compromises in order to have that relationship in our life..

thecatsmeoww
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 67
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:59:11 AM

Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?

Nope. I don't need to be physically attracted to my friends. My dates? That's mandatory.
 Avalon96
Joined: 9/1/2006
Msg: 68
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Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 1/11/2010 5:29:47 AM
I don't think the same criteria applies to dates as it does to friends.
Friends can be often situational, and can be thrown into our our lives rather than
chosen.
When we are young we make friends with close neighbours, school mates,
sports teams we play on, as we get older our horizons broaden, we go to college, share dorms and apartments, start working, pursue our interests and passions.
All the people we meet will not be friends,
some of them will be left were we met them,
but others we meet along the way will have a connection with us for all our lives.
When picking a potential date, there may be favourable traits of my friends that I would appreciate in a partner, but I would seeking that special something
that my friends were not able to provide.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 69
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 1/11/2010 12:02:27 PM
Perhaps friends and mates are the same in that they are food to us. And in the same way that a table laden with food is wonderful in its diversity ~~ salads, pies, turkey, vegetables, drinks, fish. But if you take the pepper from the soup and add it to the lemon meringue pie, the result is not going to be all that good. Best to keep to your recipes, lol! That said, in a broader sense, no one wishes to eat poisoned food, and makes choices for themselves based on that. So, ya, I have friends who are sweet and sour soup, who are artichokes, who are standing rib roast rare. . . . My Love is like a carrot cake. . . . luscious, moist, and edible.

 Notdesper8atall
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 70
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:37:33 PM
^^^^ I actually understood that and it makes sense. Also made me hungry and now I have to dig up my cookbook to double check a few recipies before dinner.
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