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 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 26
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationshipPage 2 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

(Msg 64) She falls in love with you and gets to have the privilege of watching you grow old and die before very eyes leaving her alone and an emotional wreck.


Huh? That happens in every relationship where people honor the "till death do us part".
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 27
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 5:56:09 PM
"Huh? That happens in every relationship where people honor the "till death do us part".

Maybe so, but both sets of my Grandparents died within a few months of each other....not 20 - 30 years of each other. Actually my mothers mother was a little older than my Grandfather and he died within a month of my Grandmother. I'm just glad they weren't alone for too long...
 COUNTRY364
Joined: 1/3/2008
Msg: 28
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 6:42:33 PM
not necessarily!depends upon your hearts&heads.theres is such a gap thou,as you become older and she younger,most times you grow apart.been my experience.i have dated young women,doesnt seem to last ,we want different things in life at different times.good luck&best wishes.they do help keep me young.lol.
 angelwinz
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 29
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 6:42:42 PM
Well OP, I've read all the posts to date and found the subject and replies interesting to say the least so thought I'd pop in with my two bits worth.

My experience as I've grown from a young girl to a mature woman has shown me that age really is only a number, it is the feeling you have when you are together and apart that makes the difference.. when I was younger, close to your friends age, I dated a man that was a lot older than me.

He taught me how to communicate, enjoy differences in cultures, music and many many things that I might never have gotten to experience until I was a whole lot older, if ever. This relationship, though it only lasted a few years, had stood me good as I matured, some I've even passed on to future relationships .

Now I am past his age and dating younger men at times, but I don't feel a whole lot different inside, I'm still a young girl in my heart and mind.. so yes, I truly believe age is just a number. But Please, Just be sure you do have a lot in common, that it is not an ego thing but true feelings for each other, otherwise one of you will get bored quickly and someone may get hurt.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 30
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 7:29:17 PM
(Msg 69) Maybe so, but both sets of my Grandparents died within a few months of each other....not 20 - 30 years of each other.


My mother was 10 years older than my father and he died nine years before she did. One never knows. Besides how many relationships last 20 or 30 years today.

Also, it's usually the young person who leaves such a relationship. The odds are she'll leave so she wont be exposed to watching him go through his 80's.

Finally, as Angelwinz writes about her relationship in msg 72,
He taught me how to communicate, enjoy differences in cultures, music and many many things that I might never have gotten to experience until I was a whole lot older, if ever.


The opportunities for the young person in such relationships are abundant. Things like ending up a single mom, financial difficulties, dealing with a partner her own age struggling to come to terms with adult life.........all those things will be exchanged for mature love and stability.

If she is attracted to the man the benefits far outweigh what she could reasonably expect from someone her own age.
 IGFN21
Joined: 10/2/2008
Msg: 31
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 1:33:54 AM
30 year diff. wow I wouldn't go for any thing more then 5 to 10 years diff
 Cutepid
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 32
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 8:46:15 AM
once you get over a 15 year age gap..interests...hobbies..music..life in general is too far apart
 DEH
Joined: 10/19/2004
Msg: 33
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 9:07:41 AM
Im a male who seems to end up with younger ladies for whatever reason..and we work out great but the sparks fly in heated debated at times because we are so different but nothing to deep or serious to end a relationship but there are some areas that women dont hit the spot men want them until they are older and we think young ladies are all into the physical so we love bein with them then we get reality..they look good on your arm and are funa nd wonderful but not the playmate ya thought you were getting..both people change and things can be fine but many are not open to someone much older we have to accept that.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 34
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 1:24:36 PM
Personally I wouldn't have a serious relationship with a woman who is 30+ yrs older than me. I don't think there would be any more long term compatibility when the age difference is that large. A woman who is that much older than me would be in her 60s and close to retirement. However if a 60 yr old woman wanted to date a 30 yr old man or vice versa, then that is their prerogative.
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 35
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 4:13:20 PM
So you are 53 and she is 23? Many women of that age are not ready to settle down and experiment by dating men of diffeent ages, styles and backgrounds. It almost surely will not work out long term but you may end up learning a lot from one another, having a great time and may even eventually become long term friends. Each relationship is different and you both may gain from it or it may ultimately be a heartbreaker for any number of reasons.

About a year ago I met and am dating a beautiful 33 year old. She travels a lot for her job and many men nearer her age she meets will not accept that. She is very well educated and a real go getter careerwise. Anyway, she meets a potential mate now and then but she is afraid she will not find "the one" soon enough to get married and have shildren. She and I have a lot of chemistry for some reason. We also enjoy one another's company and we find a lot to talk about. We both know we are not long term mate material for each other since I am within 6 months of being twice her age. Yet we still date. We agree we can meet and date other people but no one else has come along for either of us. Neither of us are "easy" so I do not worry about getting an STD from her. Who knows where it will lead but it is great for now!

Live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself.
 bewitchingall1
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 36
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 4:31:30 PM
Read some of the responses your getting and most are against this type of relationship...so i'm going to be out of the norm. My oldest daughter is 20 yrs younger than her husband of 5 yrs. They have as strong a relationship if not more than people that seem like perfect matches and close in age. The key to a relationship should not be hinged on age, sex, race but on compassion, emotion, and compatibility. Partly because of my religion (Pagan Witch) I believe your body is just a vessel and it is the soul that marks your path in life. There are many young looking (age wise) people that are very old souls. Old souls that in previous lives have lived many things. Match them with a newer soul or a soul that isn't as old and BOOM...your compatible. On the outside..(looks/age) you don't look like you should match but inside in your souls you have much in common. I know alot of people don't buy into my beliefs but for those that don't think about this.....have you ever seen a man an woman together that seem so totally in love yet you can't see what they see in each other?????? It's their souls.
Why does everyone want to find their Soul Mate?! K... back to you lol sorry... If you have that much in common and you are both of CONSENTING age then meet. Your souls will do the rest. If your ment to be together you will see each other like no one else can see you....if your not your souls will let you see as others. hense...LOVE IS BLIND! Best of luck
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 37
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 9:02:38 PM
i come across age differences all the time, however 30 years is a bit much! even when i get milfer type emails or someone "too young" comes onto me in real life (30's and below) , i just want to smack them! they aren't coming after "me", they are coming after a visual or it is the thing to do for younger guys! they get brownie points like it's some sort of computer game.

for me, even ten years is a stretch in light of the issues that i will be facing in ten years or so. in a few weeks i will be 60 and it's quite a bummer as i feel much younger and look it. but, then again, i am looking for a long termer and in my mind 55 and up is the best deal for me--usually not past 62 because of the way men are not taking care of themselves and becoming whiney and resentful. they need male hormones fast!!! however, some do manage to get themselves together, so i give everyone, up to five years older ( as well as younger), a chance before i decide. if anyone were younger than that (up to ten years younger), it would probably have to happen in the course of doing life. i would not entice it or welcome it online. plus, most online men are looking for younger women anyways when in their 50's. not sure why that is that men in their 40's contact us but not men in their 50's?

my good friend married a man some 20 years older when she was in her 20's and he still looked good. now, it is very sad even though she has grown old with him and loves him. he holds her back and she is getting depressed and fat from no one her age to do things with and enjoy life with. her sex life ended years ago as well. i have several women friends who married ten years younger. they are still in their fifties, holding their own --but in fact, their hubbies look older than they do. so not sure what that is all about. maybe its botox and restylane? or have these men, like my first lady friend, been robbed of part of their youth in the course of events?

i am often attracted to men in their forties, but i put a cork on it! i just do not want to face my elder years with someone who would not understand. so, i keep friends of all ages, but i put limits on anything intimate. i am told that often we have unfinished business in a particular age group if we keep going back and often when people get divorced or a partner deceases, we tend to go back to the age when we first met the lost one. it's like that's where we left off.

for me, my next ltr and hopefully last, will be my best friend, lover and partner in crime! for me, i need to share memories and future longings and realities.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 38
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 6:12:11 AM

my good friend married a man some 20 years older when she was in her 20's and he still looked good. now, it is very sad even though she has grown old with him and loves him. he holds her back and she is getting depressed and fat from no one her age to do things with and enjoy life with. her sex life ended years ago as well. i have several women friends who married ten years younger. they are still in their fifties, holding their own --but in fact, their hubbies look older than they do. so not sure what that is all about. maybe its botox and restylane? or have these men, like my first lady friend, been robbed of part of their youth in the course of events?
serenityCW, I can understand your surprise. Women have far more potential biological health problems than men: pregancy, childbirth, crossed tubes, internal bleeding, osteoporosis, and far more. If a man and a woman have the same height, the same diet, the same exercise, and the same care to their health, then it should be that men would be healthier than women. Also, if you look at the years from 1930 and before, and pictures from those eras, it's pretty clear that women weren't healthier than men. It's especially true when you consider that men's work was always very physically active, so men were getting just as much exercise as women.

However, 2 things stand out:

1) Women tend to marry men who are taller than them by at least 4 inches, and statistics of people show that the taller you are, the earlier you die, because shorter height means the organs are better supported by the back, and that means the organs work better. So a man probably dies earlier than a woman, because she marries taller.

2) The feminist movement has supported women's health since its inception, and has continued to push for better and better health for women. However, there is no such equivalent movement for men. There are plenty of women only groups that help women, and some groups for women and men, but very few groups for men only. So the unisex advances improve the health of men and women, and the large feminist advances help women but not men. So women's health has been promoted and improved far, far more than men's health has.

3) Worry and stress and low self-esteem has been explained as the reason for a large part of illness, bad health, and inactivity, and in particular looks, for a very long time. Maybe as much as 50% of your looks, and your vitality can be accounted for by good self-esteem. Right now, women's self-esteem is being promoted in every avenue. Men's self-esteem is not promoted. In addition, men have been blamed almost exclusively time and again for the hurt suffered by women and by children. So that has seriously contributed to decimating men's self-esteem. That is bound to make women look better and be more vigorous and be far healthier than men.

So what you are seeing is perfectly natural, in this environment. In a society that promotes the health and self-esteem of women and men equally, I suspect that you'll see that this difference will become very small indeed.

When that happens, you won't find a problem finding a man close to your age who can live with you for many years.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 39
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 7:54:42 AM
I think that we middle aged and older posters will all agree that we are not the same people today that we were in our early twenties. Our life experiences and knowledge have had everything to do with that. Many young people do not yet know what it is they want from life. Some of us old ones too for that matter. I was married at 18, with 3 kids at 22, and single again at 29, and having very little in common with others my age. Had I known then what I know now, my marriage may have survived. I have learned so much since then. While I don't criticize the OP for considering this relationship for his own interests, I do criticize the fact that he seems to be ignoring her best interests. Certainly, he can teach her and guide her, but the end result is that she will miss out on her youth and the related life experience. Their mutual social life will be ridiculous for both. It seems reasonable to think that they may both have an independant social life of sorts....its' just a matter of time before the young woman realizes that there is more to life than an old man in her bed. I think that this older man, being a father figure of sorts will be responsible for stunting her emotional growth and independance. It will be very difficult for him not to even subconsciously manipulate and control this girl, and in the process, she remains protected, dependant and immature. I think that if the girl were in her 30s' at least the odds would be more fair.

I've never dated men younger than myself by more than 5 years. I choose not to risk the possibility that they will start looking around at younger women as I age, and I'm not so naive as to believe that this may not happen. Alternatively, when I was in my mid 30s', my partner was 13 years my senior. It was lovely for the 5 years we dated, but the age difference was the eventual deal breaker for me. I couldn't get past the thought that when I reached his age, he would be over 60! It seemed unlikely that our wavelengths would continue to match. I chose not to take that risk and he respected my choice. He went on to marry a woman closer to his own age.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 40
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 9:45:41 AM

(Msg 116) I think that we middle aged and older posters will all agree that we are not the same people today that we were in our early twenties. Our life experiences and knowledge have had everything to do with that. Many young people do not yet know what it is they want from life.


Which is why, in this particular case, going with an older person is the better route. Many young couples get married and have children. While they can still pursue certain interests their life is pretty much mapped out for them. It's unlikely the older gentleman will want a family so the young woman can opt for "single and free" if/when she decides that's what she wants to do.


Certainly, he can teach her and guide her, but the end result is that she will miss out on her youth and the related life experience.


I've seen this mentioned before but never any specifics on what she'll miss out on. For example, one person may go away to college and experience dorm living and another will stay at home and go to a local college. Did the person who stayed with his parents miss out on something? Perhaps the one who lived with his parents used the saved money to buy a car. He/she always had proper/healthy food to eat.

If we weigh the things she may miss out on against the opportunities/ benefits she'll receive being with an established man is she really losing out?


Alternatively, when I was in my mid 30s', my partner was 13 years my senior. It was lovely for the 5 years we dated, but the age difference was the eventual deal breaker for me. I couldn't get past the thought that when I reached his age, he would be over 60!


Perhaps when you had reached his age you wouldn't feel 60 was that old.


It seemed unlikely that our wavelengths would continue to match. I chose not to take that risk and he respected my choice.


While there's no explaining love I do have to say I can not comprehend loving someone but leaving them because of what they may be like 13 years down the road. Iwonder if anyone else finds this "strange"?
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 41
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 2:45:53 PM
For all the 'life planning' people do, or want to, there is always the uncertainty of exactly how long we're going to live. When time seems limitless, we're more likely to put off dating anyone unless we feel that they are exactly right for everything we want. But a true connection is so rare, I don't feel that we should pass up any person if it feels right. Love is elusive; take it where you find it. If you're a younger person, who knows, you might discover you have a terminal condition in five years, and all of a sudden that 40 year old is going to out live you, so why did you pass up on them? If you're an older person, you may find the reverse; you may realize that you are going to live another 50 years and (if longevity runs in your family, you're probably going to clock in at about 100 just like they did), you may want to find someone who might be around for that. True love is rare; don't pass up on it when you find it. Once you hit 25, your personality is pretty much set; anyone over that age is fair game.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 42
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/9/2008 6:03:15 AM

If we weigh the things she may miss out on against the opportunities/ benefits she'll receive being with an established man is she really losing out?


She'll miss out on the opportunity to establish close friendships with people her own age. She will also miss out on the crucial importance of making up her own mind about things as she travels the normal path, that is whatever she chooses, of a woman her age. The old guy will be only too happy to direct and advise her, and anything else would be patronizing....and father like. When the relationship ends...and I believe that it will, either by death or decision....will this young woman have grown enough to handle taking care of herself? Although she may not be ready for children now, as many her age are not...doesn't she and those children deserve a father in his youth?


Perhaps when you had reached his age you wouldn't feel 60 was that old.


I'm 48 now and my parameters allow no one over 52 to contact me. I was 35 then and 60 is still too old.


While there's no explaining love I do have to say I can not comprehend loving someone but leaving them because of what they may be like 13 years down the road. Iwonder if anyone else finds this "strange"?


Obviously, I didn't love him enough. The age difference was too big an issue.


Real/genuine love IMO does not think of the future, real love sets "fire" on Today/The Present, real love is not possessivess or calculative.


I don't agree. I left an alcoholic I truly loved for mine and my children's sakes.


"...All any of us has is "today", and we can lose "today" through a constant focus on "tomorrow", projecting into an unknowable future. ..."


I like to have a hand in the planning of my tomorrows as opposed to blindly accepting whatever may feel good and right today.


If you love her let her be.... at greater than 30 years age diff .... she is what 21 or 22


Regardless of the OP's claim that they are so closely matched, I think that you can ocnvince yourself of a lot of things when the desire is there. If they are so alike in their thinking, then its' either she that is incredibly mature and informed, or he is not. The OP already said it....she may as well be sleeping with her father and if the ages were even five years less, he would be considered a pedophile. Indeed, many people will take these people far less seriously than they deserve. Why begin life by choice with such a handicap? IMO, the OP is being selfish.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 43
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/9/2008 9:49:01 PM
scorpionmover, i am not surprised, i am sad. developmentally, we women want a man our age, but too many have given up and devote little energy to self improvement. still, i hold out for him. as to men's health, here it is a very big issue and i came across it a lot in my consulting days which, mind you, "stopped" about 14 years ago. the dilmena was that most men avoid health care and in particular prevention and self maintenance. in the past, their wives pushed and pulled them to where they needed to go, like "children". so, with the divorce rate so high, the non profit marketing dilemna became how do you get these men for services "before" it is too late. believe me, we stretched the strategies--putting testing corporations in malls, at fairs, hosting events and meetings such as AA, support groups for grieving, etc. i try with my male friends and was unsuccessful with my past SO who refused to seek assistance. is it a man thing? or is it a matter of self esteem or intelligence? you can bring the man to water, but you cannot make him drink!

in many ways both men and women have the same issues. hormones, self care, bad experiences, et al. it is what you make of it. women (who actively seek a mate) go the extra mile, because they know men are visual. men don't seem to get it, that women are ALSO visual. we do look away more than men, but then it gets worse and worse. but still, the bonds, the memories, the developmental stages that we hit, would sure be nice to share with one another. just takes that much longer to find one another. me? i have not given up. not about to hop into the sack with a child!
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 44
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/9/2008 10:28:23 PM

i have not given up. not about to hop into the sack with a child!


Thats' exactly it! I am 48 and a man 30 years my junior would be 18. How is that so different than the situation of the OP except by 5 years? My oldest son is 29. My youngest child is 26. Ewwww....any which way...a man so much younger would feel like pedophilia. I have had the opportunity of many younger men, having been considered a MILF by the friends of my children for many years. Although I was somewhat flattered, maybe....I have NEVER considered any of them potential lovers regardless of their conversational or social skills or even their level of emotional maturity...for their age. EWWWWW!!!!! They are children to me at this time. Now...if I were 60 and attracted to a 40 year old? Different story. We are now both legitimate adults. That 40 year old should be old enough to have decided what it is that he wants out of life, unlike the average younger person in their 20s'.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 45
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/10/2008 2:49:48 AM
shirley, i'll be 60 in a few days, and although i agree they are not like having a son (even though they could be), men in their early 40's would be hard pressed (in my mind) to relate to the full range of experiences that pertain to being 60. sure, the sex would be a no brainer, but the sharing of all the other stuff, including dealing with the changes and the inevitable, would be a drag to impose on a 40 year old--assuming that it was a full fledged relationship that one were looking for.

at 40, i would never even consider a 60 year old! so why would i look to the reverse? now, that being said, do i feel attracted to younger men? sure. the same as if they were older. some yes, some no. but, i will not act on it. if it were just a sexual thing i was looking for, then i suppose i would consider it, but not younger than 40 and quite frankly, now that i think about it-- if anything, the younger men i 've found attractive are more in the mid 40's.

the OP has expressed a kind of love for this young woman. well, love is not all that is necessary. are there exceptions? sure. but they pay a very stiff price. he can weigh all this, but can she (at her age)? my child who is very smart, still could not get the ramifications.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 46
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/10/2008 7:23:41 AM
I agree with you Serenity. I was just trying to be a little more open minded by considering the 40/60 scenario. I very definitely agree that love is not the only consideration and that an man in his 50s' has no business limiting a 23 year old woman, even should that appear to be her choice. He is moving into the final years of his life while hers is only just beginning.
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 47
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/10/2008 10:26:12 AM
"then i don't know what to say that will please you...apologizing for telling the truth seems to defeat the whole purpose of this forum... "

I wasn't asking for an apology, and just because someone does not share your views does not make that person cynical.

I admit I'm curious about how a relationship with a 30 year age differnce works. What I mean by that is what do you do for entertainment? What activites do you share? Do you have friends in common?
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 48
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/10/2008 5:50:33 PM

(Msg 150) Tv shows and you learn to like new ones or accept ones your partner enjoys, just as in any relationship

Talk, Eat Dinner(homemade generally) and spend time together...Internet, tv, movies, & shopping to start.

Yes, I go shopping with my guy..........

He took me last week to a work function..............What we do is have a life like any other couple living together.


Beautifully explained!

I never agreed with the importance of "common interests" when first meeting. IMO, a couple develop common interests. There are so many activities and interests to be enjoyed today can we realistically expect to find someone who enjoys the same things?

"Usually" relationships start when we're young, say, in our 20s. Two people grow together, experience activities together. The point being all relationships should follow a simialr path in the sense that two people learn about each other, try each others activities, listen to and try understanding the others beliefs, etc.

When it comes to conversation there is no need to discuss the past and dwell on differences. Whether it's discussing current events or what color the living room should be painted or where they'll go on vacation conversations should be about either the present or future.

I suppose when one reaches the point where conversations take place on the front porch in rocking chairs then the past is an appropriate topic, however, by that time the couple will have a past to discuss.

As long as a few basics are in place regarding lifestyle, such as one doesn't party till 3 am when the other has to get up at 7 am for work or one feels a sleeping bag on a sofa is a well furnished home , two people in love have lots to do and plenty to talk about.

When I think back to high school and the following dating years I don't recall discussing the past. The gal and I discussed what was happening in the present and just being together was what mattered. The longer we dated the more we enjoyed each others activities/interests. Maybe that's what people forget as they age. Maybe they forget that starting a new relationship is starting a new life.
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 49
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/10/2008 6:23:32 PM
"Beautifully explained!"

Yes I agree, I guess because it's not ONE thing a young person would do, but everything an old person would . So in an older younger relationship it is the young one who does the compromising. Not that it's a problem I was just curious....I don't watch TV and shopping is a chore so it is certainly not a lifestyle for me, but to each is own. I would die in her scenario, but not everyone is the same. Her lifestyle sounds like my parents before my mom died last year....But if one is happy with that it's all good...I just want more.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 50
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/10/2008 10:37:46 PM
The only things that one has more in common with someone of similar age, are things of the past.

I can assure you ~ there are many more commonalities between me and a man of my age (or very near my own age) than just the past. There is the future. I want to grow old with someone, not watch someone grow old. I want to grow old with someone, not watch my partner play X-Box on Friday night while he clears up his post-puberty acne. One is too old, one is too young. Hence: at or very near my own age. The most obvious commonality between people, is in fact, age. That's why for the past 50 years or more, there are generational labels. (i.e.: Baby Boomers, X'ers, The Me Generation, etc., etc.) It's commonality. It's being of the same time-zone that includes: the past, present and future.
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